words in movies
(Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.)
Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research.
(Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)
Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) special someone?
Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.
Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.
[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]
Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?
Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)
[Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]
[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?
Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]
Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?
Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]
Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.
Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.
Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?
[Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]
[Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]
[Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]
Joey: (sitting at his table) Oh, I know it... It is amazing these little things open doors... huh! (mimes opening a door with his own keys, Phoebe looks at him in a "yeah, yeah, yeah" way.)
Monica: Okay, but if we don't get this house, she's stil gonna show up wherever we go! I mean, at least if she's here, it eliminates the element of suprise. I mean, never again will you have to hear the three words that make your balls jump back up inside your body. (She shows this with her index finger, mimicking it pushing something up)
JOEY: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with.
Phoebe: Yeah, ok. I guess you're right. Allright, so we should just give them away. But to nice families, with children, and reduced fat wheat thins. They're Bob's favorites.
ROSS: Well uh, it's cause he had a thing with, wi-, with the thing.
(She opens the door to reveal Ross with a pencil mark from his forehead to his chin.)
Mike: This is the first time hes ever used this product, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (To Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.]
[Scene: Outside of Elizabeths dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.]
Rachel: I am feeling nothing. Speaking of hot, watching you do that really makes me want to have sex with you.
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see now the one with the feather boa? Thats Dr. Francis. She used to be a man. Oh look! There(Marcel (Katie) jumps away)Okay. (And runs behind her on the back of the couch for a little while.)
MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.
Chandler: Janices birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
Monica: Oh please! Yesterday on the subway? You couldn't stop staring at that woman with the big breasts the whole time.
BIG BULLY: You got a problem with that?
Ross: Well, Rachel moving to another country? Not being able to see her every day. How can I be okay with this?
Rachel: Well yknow, its you guys. You-you do this kind of stuff! Yknow? I mean, you-you were gonna get married in Vegas and then you backed out! I guess Im not upset because I dont see you guys going through with it. Im sorry.
Ross: Okay, umm I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. I mean, I mean Ive been in um, relationships in general, uh but I have never done it with a studentI mean I notnot it! I mean, I mean I dontWe havent done it. Uh, I mean, I mean, weve-weve-weve done stuff. (Paul is not amused.) Okay, okay, a joke, a jokelighten the mood. Umm, two guys go into a bar. One of them is Irish.
Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book...
Joey: (He just sits there, legs very close together with a painful look on his face) Soldier down!
[Cut to into the bedroom, with Monica still hiding under the covers. Richard enters and sits down next to her.]
Ross: (talking agitated and angry) Everyone gets a goodbye but me? What have I got to do to get a goodbye, huh? Be best friends with you? Uh, go out with you? Have a baby with you? Oh wait a minute, wait a minute, I did all those things.
Rachel: Phoebe? (She turns her head further away.) I'm sorry about the whole lifting out thing. (Moves over next to her.) You gotta come with me!
Joey: So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing... You know, like Ross's thing is... (he can't come up with anything)
JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. [picks up the orange juice carton and it's empty] Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice f or the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.
Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! (She storms out.)
Phoebe: Wha..? Again with the nature, what are you? Beavers?
PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that.
Nancy: She is kidding, but don't ever disagree with her again. Okay, now I'm kidding!
Chandler: (to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel enters and notices that Joey has set up a space for the baby where the couch was, complete with a crib.]
Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?
[Cut to later in that episode in Central Perk, a meeting with Phoebe, Rachel, and Joey where they discuss Chandler and Monica.]
Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I dont have to break up with her this time. Were not involved! Im going to do a pre-emptive strike! Im going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)
Joey: Yeah. Ill let you play with my duck.
MNCA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the rocks with a twist.
[Rachel is in the kitchen fiddling with her English truffle. Joey and Ross, anxious to leave and go to Janines party, are egging her on to hurry up.]
Ross: Look, G. I. Joe's in, Barbi's out. And if you guys can't deal with it, that's your 'too bad.'
Barry: You know, you were right? I mean, I thought we were happy. We weren't happy. But with Mindy, now I'm happy. Spit.
Tag: Are you kidding me?! With a cute butt like this, Id find work.
(They go into the hallway and see Mr. Treeger watching one of New Yorks bravest breakdown Monica and Chandlers door with an ax.]
(Phoebe enters with Hums While He Pees also known as Kyle.)
Ross: A date?! Shes-shes got a date?! With who?
Chandler: Well, she probably wasnt familiar with the process having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings!
Ross: No, NO! (they're moving to the side of the bed, where they sit down) Look, I need to talk to Joey. I mean, you guys just broke up. Before anything more happens between us, I need to know he's okay with it.
Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now you won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going on!
Joey: So let me get this straight. If you go with Bonnie tonight, youre doing the smart, healthy thing and moving on.
Rachel: Whoops. (Starts to go into Chandler and Joeys.) Oh, hey, do you need help with that?
Written by: Jeffrey Astrof, Mike Sikowitz, Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider Transcribed by: Jim & Tracy Lambers With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein
Joey: Well, I've never been through the tunnel myself, 'cause as I understand it, you're not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car, right. But, it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else, you know, face your fear. It have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building! If you're afraid of bugs.....get a bug. Right. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say you go in there and be the most committed guy there ever was.
Charlie: Oh, you know what? I'll come with you!
Rachel: Oh, you go out with him. (goes over and hugs her)
Mrs. Waltham: No, Im bored with you now. Im going to cut you off. (She hangs up.)
Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.
Monica: You had no right to go out with him.
(He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.)
Phoebe: Yeah, I had a date with this guy, and I swear to God, he is her other half.
Phoebe: Alright, whadyou do with him?
Joey: (entering with Ross) Hey! You guys! Check it out, check it out! (Hes wearing a blue blazer) Guess which job I got.
Chandler: Well, thats the best kiss Ive had with anyone Ive ever met in a mens room.
Joey all nervous and looking down and fiddling with his ear: Oh.. My sister's raccoon.
Chandler: Little toast here. I know this isn't exactly the kind of Thanksgiving that all of you all planned, but for me, this has been really great, you know, I think because it didn't involve divorce or projectile vomiting. Anyway, I was just thinking, I mean, if you'd gone to Vail, and if you guys'd been with your family, if you didn't have syphilis and stuff, we wouldn't be all together, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm very thankful that all of your Thanksgivings sucked.
Joey: No, one man for the rest of my life? I dont know if I can do it! This means Ill never get to sleep with Joey!
(He tries to move in front of the class, only goes out of control and rolls into the hall, catching himself on the doorway with his pointer. He then pulls himself back into the room with the pointer, only he jams one end of it between the door frame and the door and breaks the pointer in half.)
Monica: Oh, great! Just what you want for a new house with infants. Bird feces.
Ross: Theres nothing the matter with me. See, Im not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings.
Mike: (puts on a fake smile) Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it? (he takes the ring from the cake, and cleans it with a napkin)
(Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel. The guy next to him starts laughing, which starts Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he stops.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, with the puppy, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Rachel: Oh, it's so much more fun with you.
Ross: Oh, I know. Yknow what, I never wouldve gotten this if it werent for you. No really, when Im with you Im-Im like this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, but that guy! I-I love that guy!
EDDIE: That's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?
Mischa: Hes says, Walking with you makes this strange city, feel like home.
Joey: You shut up! (To Phoebe and Rachel) I love arguing with her. (To Erin) Ill be right back.
Chandler: Yeah! Im just pretending to watch the game so I dont have to help out with stuff.
Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.
Rachel: With ah, extra anchovies.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
Chandler: My God! He wants to do it with Phoebe in London!
CHANDLER: I'm sorry. �That's the one thing I can't do.� I promised I'd be with Monica.
Rachel: Not even with your best friend.
(Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.)
Rachel: Well, I should think so. You slept with someone.
Chandler: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman.
Rachel: (to maitre d') Hi, I'm here to see mr Campbell... with Gucci. The reservation is probably under Gucci. It's spelled like Gukki, which could be confusing.
Ross: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you?
Phoebe: Eh, dont be so hard on yourself. If someone I was still in love with was getting married
Rachel: So I hear the Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room. (Kim stops the elevator and turns to Rachel.)
Ross: Then talk to him! He might be fine with it.
Monica: I missed this apartment! Now, this is a grown-ups apartment! Yknow, I-I should be with a grown-up, do you know what I mean?!
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding.
RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
Joey: (hearing Rachel and jumping up with his plate) Oh God! Thats Rachel!
Phoebe: I know it's so exciting! You know I've never lived with a guy before.
Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? Hes the one who slept with someone else.
Rachel: Well, we were paying for our stuff and this saleswoman just started flirting with him.
Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep?