words in movies
(Ursula Buffay, Phoebes identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)
(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)
(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)
Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?
Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now Im here.
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. Im gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)
Joey: I dont care. Phoebes Phoebe. Ursulas... hot!
Chandler: Your sister Ursula.
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
Joey: Oh, no no no. Its for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.
Phoebe: Yeah. Its just, you know, its this whole stupid Ursula thing, its...
Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.
(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)
Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?
Ursula: Who is it?
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Yeah, can I help you with something?
Ursula: Wait! If umm, if you want to come, I guess thatd be okay.
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
Ursula: Right, okay, then no.
Ursula: No Im not.
Ursula: Oh, its you.
Ursula: Yeah, were not thirty, were 31.
Ursula: Yeah.
Ursula: Yes.
Ursula: Wow! Didn't she die like five years ago?
Ursula: Yes! Phoebe.
Ursula: (sarcastic) Okay.
Ursula: Umm, nothing. I mean, Im getting married next week.
(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)
Ursula: I dont know. He said he did all this stuff and then I said I did it too and he got so excited, it was really fun.
Eric: Ursula?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Ursula: Hey!
Ursula: Oh, I thought there was a mirror there. Okay, bye-bye. (Starts to walk again.)
Ursula: Hurry up I gotta pray!!
Phoebe: You-you you had sex with Ursula?!
Ursula: Oh! Okay, so thats why youre (Motions to what shes wearing.)
Ursula: Yknow, wed really better get going.
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
Ursula: Yeah, no were not thirty. Were 31. Okay. (She closes the door.)
Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.
Phoebe: (reading from the note) Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. Ill miss you. P.S. Your Mom lives in Montauk. You just wrote this!
(Phoebe hands Eric Ursulas purse and he walks away.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]
Phoebe: Peace Corps, really? (Ursula motions, "I dont know.")
Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Ursula: (waving the cigarette in Phoebes face) Its a filthy, disgusting habit and I want you to quit now!
Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
Phoebe: So, I just came from the company Ursula works for.
Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
[Scene: A Street, Phoebe is walking down it and passes Ursula.]
Phoebe: Ursulas fianc�e?
Ursula: Yknow, twin stuff is always a real big seller.
Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!
(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Moms suicide note.
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe that is Ursula!
(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)
Phoebe: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods Yes.) Well, do you still have it?
Eric: No-no its not! I dont want to lose you! Its-its like I was saying to Ursula when I was making love to her and I thought she was youYeah it is too weird.
(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)
Phoebe: No Im having fun. Im reallyAnd Im really-really excited for you and Ursula.
Phoebe: She is lying! And I bet I can prove it. Excuse me. (She grabs Ursulas purse and starts going through it and finds some papers.) Okay. Okay. YeahNot a prayer chain, but what looks like a detailed drawing of a bank floor plan. (Holds up her nametag.) Okay, heres the nametag from the restaurant where she works as a waitress! Not a teacher, a waitress. All right, heres her driver license, this oughta be good, she always lies about this. How old did she say she was?
[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]
Phoebe: Oh no-no, no, I made a promise to myself that the next time I would talk to Ursula would be over my dead body. And thats not happening til October 15th, 2032.
Phoebe: Ursula! (Ursula turns, smiles, and continues walking.) Wait! Err-err, its me! Phoebe!
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!
Eric: Not really. You youre blurry, but you still look like Ursula. Youre Blursula. Okay wait. Maybe If I-if I just dont look at you for a while. (Stands up and turns his back to her.) See? It it works. Im not, Im not angry at all anymore! This is a great date!
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Ursula: Yeah, I can talk them into giving you like, 30 dollars.
Ursula: Well, then who's been dead for five years?
(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)
(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebes face.)
Ursula: Yeah. It wasnt a town when I got there, but it was a town when I left. (To Eric) Shall we get me really drunk?
Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.
Ursula: Yeah, its a fine line huh?
Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams the door shut.)
Phoebe: You too. And Ursula?! It was really nice meeting you tonight!!
Ursula: Yeah, I got a big box of family stuff when my mom died.
Ursula: Right.
Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.
Ursula: Huh. Well, Im supposed to be working at the restaurant tonight. Im supposed to be working right now, so who cares.
(Ursula opens the door and is all dressed up with big hair and lingerie.)
[Scene: Ursulas apartment, Phoebe is going to confront her twin about her new porn career.]
Malcom: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Phoebe: Huh? (Ursula motions for Phoebe to keep quiet.)
Phoebe: Wait! (Knocks on the door and Ursula opens it.)
Ursula: Oh!
Ursula: Uh-huh.
Ursula: Who?
Ursula: You have not changed!
Ursula: He is? Why?
Ursula: Right, why do you keep saying that?
Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...
[Scene: Phoebes birthday, shes taking the hippity-hop to Ursulas apartment as a gift. She knocks on the door and Ursula answers it.]
Ursula: Umm, no. See I already thought she was dead so I kinda made my peace with it. Plus, I'm going to a concert tomorrow. So I'd invite you, but umm, I only have two tickets left.
Eric: Uh listen, I justI thought you should know I broke up with Ursula.
Ursula: Yeah! Yeah, its gonna be a small ceremony. Just family. (Phoebe looks at her.) His.
Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.
Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?
Ursula: Yea-huh! Thats what is says on my birth certificate.
Ursula: Oh great! (Opens the door.) (Disappointed) Oh, you. Umm, what's up?
Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
Guy: One more chance Ursula, please?
Phoebe: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)
Eric: (entering) Hey. Ursula said she left her purse.
Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.