words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: will be two months
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "Im with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "Im lost and I cant find food."
Carol: Yeah! And maybe someday we could get a place with two bathrooms.
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someones been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Chandler: No, there were two.
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Rachel: Look Joey, come on shes so perfect for you! I mean shes sweet, she-she likes baseball, and she-she had two beers at lunch.
Charlie: A guy who won two.
Ross: Oh. (Reaches into his pocket for some money as Rachel enters the living room and watches holding two stuffed dinosaurs.)
Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts?
Richard: Just the last two pages.
Ross: Come on sweetie! Youve had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time?
Joey: Hey Ross, wouldn't it be great if we could go two straight hours without dropping it?!
Chandler: Yes, but theres two in martini, soo everybody back to my office.
Phoebe: Well okay but I have two tickets to the ballroom dance finals. (She holds up the tickets that Kyle gave her.)
Ross: (looks) Oh yeah! You'rehey, you're right! Here's an affordable place, (reading ad) two bedroom, close to work, ooh, it's available in five weeks!
[Scene: The hospital. Monica and Chandler are holding the twins, while two nurses are taking care of Erica.]
Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this ones free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third ones free.
Lady: Oh, the woman upstairs is very nice. She and her husband have two kids, he's on Wall Street and she…
[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting up by the window because two guys have their couch.]
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
Monica: No, those first two windows, (Points) that's the lobby. And y'know the other one over there, that's the stairway. You've been counting wrong.
Chandler: Y'know what? You should go to my guy, because when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. Y'know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.
Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, Ill let you two fash ists get down to business. (Exits.)
Ross: So you two are..?
Phoebe: Oh did youwhat did youdid you work for two days straight?
Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.
Ross: Two, I think a two.
Monica: One Two Three...
Monica: Were just two people who find each other very attractive. Right?
Rachel: Honey, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. (she kisses him)
Ross: Look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so
Monica: Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Now I don't want anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few things you can discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it.
Phoebe: Im sorry, for the last time, why arent you two together again? (Silence from Ross.) No, I know. I know, because youre not in that place. Which would be fine, except you totally are.
Chandler: That's where people make number two!!
Assistant: You got two more twos?
Chandler: All right ladies, heres what were gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandlers the king! Chandlers the king!"
Phoebe: So what did you two do about it?
Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.
Joey: Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars?
Joey: Dude, two times that happened!
Rachel: Well, there's two spots left right?
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, thats not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and theres a concept you should really be familiar with. Its what the Japanese call (he holds two fingers up to his temple, and he does this every time he says this word) unagi.
Ross: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? (Sits down next to Rachel) Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. (Doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up either.
Joey: (angrily) Thursday! Look if you need help remembering think of like this, the third day. All right? Monday, one day. Tuesday, two day. Wednesday, when? Huh? What day? Thursday! The third day! Okay?!
Ross: Two seconds...
Ross: (entering) Okay, okay, okay, I've got two cabs and no people. Go! Go! Go!
(Chandler looks at the other two guys, embarrassed)
Joey: Look, theres nothing I can do for him right now, hes still in his sweat pants, thats still Phase One. Y'know? Ill be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.
Chandler: Oh yeah! Okay, lets play again. (He deals out two cards each again.) What do you got?
Phoebe Sr: I mean, I know what Im talking about. I gave up two babies, and I only wish I had someone there that had given up babies, that could tell me how terrible it is to give up babies. I just think that, it would be something you will regret every single day for the rest of your life. So, how ever hard it is to give up this puppy, it would be like a million times harder to give up a child. (Phoebe is playing with the puppy again, and not listening) I really shouldnt have given you the puppy first.
(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women wont see the face she pulls, and sits down.)
Joey: Strike two!
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler and Joey are walking up the stairs.]
Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?
Chandler: You know, guys I got to say. This means so much to me. That you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know I've had my doubts about my skills as a father, but that you two.. that you two.... <starts to cry>
Ross: Fine, two tickets, I need two tickets.
Ross: He hasnt gotten out of that chair in two days.
Chandler: Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.
Chandler: And I also got... two more apples.
Realtor: You two know each other?
Rachel: Absolutely. Shoop, shoop, shoop. Only a hundred and two dollars to go.
Phoebe: What's that smile? Did something happen with you two?
Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (Its a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. (Mr. Zellner looks shocked). I just heard it as you must have heard it and that’s not good. Let me start again. I’m a paleontologist, you’ll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones… fossils!
JOEY: Okay.� (pause.� He looks over her shoulder at the table with the wine.)� Whoa, whoa.� Why are there two glasses of wine out?
Director: Next on the platforms are (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where hes pointing to. He points away from them) you two! And (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) You two!
Ross: One Mississipi, two Mississipi, Three Mis...(the sprayer starts again, spraying him in the face and torso again) WAIT! WAIT! I'm not-I've not finished counting!! (he leaves the booth) (the assistant enters the room)
Chloe: Oh, okay. (to the bartender) Hey, two beers. (sits down next to him)
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! Its a museum! What, youre the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I dont know to the waiter.)
Assistant: You got sprayed with two two' s and...
Rachel: Oh, youre one of those. But yknow what? I have two sisters of my own and we just-just tortured each other.
Rachel: Ross is on a date with my sister and they shut the drapes two and a-half-hours ago.
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.
Dr. Biely: Three for excavation and two for analysis.
Phoebe Sr: Well, yeah, mostly nudes. It combines my two passions, pottery and erotica.
Phoebe: Oh my God! May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands! They're identical! Now, I've never seen anything like that in the business world.
Rachel: Oh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants.
Ross: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do?
Janice: Oh wait you two think of me as family?! Oh, I have to ask you something now and be honest; do you want me to sing Careless Whisper or Lady In Red?
Ross: I tired attacking two women, did not work.
(Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.)
JOEY: Oh, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?
(At that moment two very large men start screaming and running towards Emily and picking her up.)
Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two monthsI didn't get to win once.
Male Jeweler: Uh yes, I have these two rather beautiful $5 bills. (Holds them up from his pocket.)
Joey: Well okay, so then youre fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as its hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. Its when the heat goes away, thats when youre in trouble.
Rachel: Hey. Oh, I have a question. If-if-if one of you had to pick one of the other two guys to go out with, who would you pick?
Rachel: Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there!
Joey: It is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh I left My Heart in San Francisco.
Rachel: Ross! We broke up two years ago; you've been married since then. I think it's okay that we see other people.
Chandler: Oh, it doesnt matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, yknow what, Ive got two tickets to tonights Rangers game, you wanna come with me?
Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]
Salesman: Two days before Christmas? Sorry, man.
Phoebe: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what Ive got?
Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! Thats like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.
Ross: (exhales sarcastically) Not two years in a row.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Monica are holding the twins. Joey and Phoebe are sitting by the window, while Ross and Rachel are standing together. The apartment is completely empty. Two men are carrying a large dresser.]
Phoebe: (still laughing) No. (points to Rachel who stuck two straws in her mouth to look like a mammoth's tusks)
Joey: Look, just because I know about you two, doesn't mean I like looking at it.
Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.
Ross: Sure, one year is paper, but two months is lapdance! (Joey nods his agreement.)
Rachel: (entering) Monica? You gonna be very proud of me. I just got us dates with two unbelievably cute nurses.
Gunther: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress?
Ross: Oh no-no-no, were just two people who happen to run into each other here at the coffee house. (He winks at her.)