words in movies
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Transcribed by: Coffee Mug Russian to Roman alphabet: Gabriela Horber
Dedicated to the great work of Eric Aasen, Guineapig and many, many more
Phoebe: I know! (Phoebe picks up a little packet of sugar, shakes it, and then realises she can't open it with one hand, but doesn't want to let go of Mike's hand. She tries to tear open the packet with one hand.)
Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious? (Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed, start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say nothing now, but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar)
Phoebe: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be... having that conversation.
Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... (He tries to get something from his pocket, but it's not that easy... Phoebe looks in a "what's happening" face to him. He finally has found something) No, not... that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's there...
Phoebe: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars.
Mike: It's to my apartment.
Mike: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because...
Phoebe: Oh no, I want to.
Phoebe: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I wanted to... do this with. Here you go. (Both Phoebe and Mike look really proud.)
Rachel: So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like our nanny to start right away, so that Emma could get a chance to know her.
Rachel: Allright. Well thank you so much for coming... (they're standing up and make their way to the door)
Rachel: Really nice to meet you... and we'll call you.
Ross: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews (They sit down and Rachel sighs) And worse comes to worse, we can always reconsider the uhm... the first one we met with.
David: Well, just for a couple of days, uhm... I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant, why it's a positive thing that we spent all their money and uhm... accomplished uhm... nothing.
David: Well, it got me to New York anyway, and then I got on a cab at the airport, and the guy said where to? and I just... gave him your address I... I... I didn't even think about it.
Phoebe: I mean I guess, I just have to... tell David that nothing can happen between us. Unless I don't... You know, complicated moral situation, no right, no wrong...
Monica: You have to tell David!
Chandler: (angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just like knock-knock jokes... (laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he enters)
Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state. (Monica looks at Phoebe, who also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch.
Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.
Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that, because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?
Monica: Well, he did this bit... You probably had to be there, but it was Liza Minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken. (Phoebe bursts out in a laugh)
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Were you there?
Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a piece of your heart... (Ross has got that bored/angry/skeptic look and Rachel is very emotional)
Ross: Are you gay? (Rachel turns to Ross in an embarrassed way)
Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I got to watch him grow into this awesome person... When I left, I said: I'll see you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... (Ross and Rachel look puzzled) That was his name for me... I'll see you every day... right in... (points at his heart, but starts to cry before he can finish his sentence. Rachel tries to comfort him, but Ross has this "you've got to be kidding me" look all over him)
Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. (In the other room Emma starts to cry.)
Ross: What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny? I-It's like if a woman wanted to be...
Rachel: (she's got that "yeah, try to say it" look on her face) Yes?
Sandy: That's great! (He gets emotional again and waves his hand in front of his face in a feminine way, like trying to dry his tears) I'm sorry. It's just... such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family...
Chandler: Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but gestures 'wait a minute' with his finger while he finishes reading the article. Chandler waits for Joey to finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks.
Chandler: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?
Joey: (sees Monica) Fire trucks! (Chandlers eyes double in size and he turns to Monica who doesn't understand what's happening. Then he turns back to Joey, who says "you're welcome" without a sound)
David: In fact, ehm... I going to kiss you now. (David holds Phoebe and wants to kiss her.)
David: Damn it! I-I'm sorry. I-I don't mean that. I-I want you to be happy... But only with me. No, uhm... that's not fair. Uh, who cares, leave him!. Oh, I don't mean that. Yes I do... I'm sorry Uhm, I... I think I should probably uhm... go...
Phoebe: Well... but David, just... I just want you to know that... that... you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Phoebe: Of course, yeah.(they hug and Phoebe sighs... a little after that also David sighs and makes his way to the door) You know, a kiss on the cheek wouldn't be totally inappropriate...
Phoebe: I mean... (David kisses Phoebe on the cheek, makes his way to the door and turns around again)
Phoebe: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... (They kiss 2 on each cheek... and then they pause... David turns to the door) In New York... it's... (and then David grabs her by her neck and kisses her full on the lips... They kiss passionately and cannot seem to stop.)
Rachel: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just... was just telling me about how he proposed to his fiancée and it was just sooo beautiful.
Rachel: Yeah! (to Sandy) Excuse me... (She walks to the kitchen with Ross and sighs)
Rachel: What...? Too sensitive to take care of our baby?
Rachel: Well, I... you know, I-I-I don't know what to say... I mean, I never thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be men. You know, 'cause I gotta tell you Ross, it not like you just came in from branding cattle.
Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive? (There's music coming from the living room. Ross opens the door to the living room and he and Rachel see Sandy play a song for Emma on his recorder. Rachel is moved by this, but Ross only sees his point proven again, and walks back into the kitchen, angrily. The door he was holding, swings back and hits Rachel.)
Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if he doesn't want to believe what's happening)
Phoebe: (points to David) And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you.
Ross: (looks like in heaven) Lighter than air... (changes back to serious) But that's not the point. (Joey now also enters)
Joey: That's like a woman wanting to be a...
Monica: Is that why he's acting so weird...? He's jealous...? Oh my God, that is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Geoffrey...
Joey: ...No... (he just can't seem to grasp it)
Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... (the door opens and Chandler walks in with a pizza)
Monica: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean, you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a funny guy! (Chandler turns to Joey)
Monica: Honey, listen... You have nothing to worry about with Geoffrey.
Ross: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you! (He points at Chandler. Joey gestures to Ross "What are you doing?)
Joey: Not knowing when to shut up...
Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no... It's not... it's not... i'ts not as bad as it looks... really. I was just saying goodbye to an old friend.
David: Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade.
Phoebe: No, uhm... David and I did use to go out... but years ago, and he lives in Minsk. He's only... he's only in town for a couple of days.
David: Why? Wh-What are you going to do about it?
Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits David's finger with his finger and they start to finger-fight using their fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)
Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets really hurt! (they stop and Phoebe gets David's jacket and gives it to him) Here David, you should just go.
David: Oh, you're going to Minsk?
David: Right... Goodbye Phoebe. (Makes a move to kiss her.)
David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good care of her. (and he leaves)
David: I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number (gives Mike a business card) We'll uhm... we'll party up Vladnik style. (He leaves again)
[Scene: Ross walks in the hallway to his apartment and stops in front of his own door. Now he hears two recorders playing a song. When he enters, Sandy and Joey are playing the recorder and Rachel listens.]
Ross: (looks angrily at Joey and points at him) I swear to God...! (Joey is in shock)
Sandy: Well, please welcome... The Snufflebumps... Who wants to be mr. Wigglemunch and who's gonna be the Grumpus?
Ross: Okay, okay... How exactly is a two month old supposed to appreciate puppets?
Sandy: Actually studies have shown that the movement and colours help their cerebral development... The whimsical characters are just for us. (He winks to Joey and Rachel. Ross's face says he disapproves. Joey sees that and kind of angrily says...)
Joey: I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch. (and makes a "there" nod to Ross)
Sandy: Well, I guess we know who's gonna be the Grumpus... (Ross goes to the kitchen)
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry. Please apologise to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for me.
Ross: No! Hey, you know what? I'm sorry. I would never force you... to hire someone you were this uncomfortable with...
Rachel: Well, you're the one who wants to fire him, so you're gonna have to do it. (Ross walks to the living room determined to fire Sandy)
Sandy: (In a puppet voice) So you see Wigglemunch, that's why it's important to shaaaaaaare...
Chandler: Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your Maitre D. friend has any funny Oklahoma jokes, tell him to e-mail me at www.hahanotsomuch.com.
Chandler: I love you too. (Monica and Chandler kiss. He turns to Joey.) And... I like you as a friend. (They hug and pat each other on the back.)
Joey: (to Monica) Did that guy really make that joke?
Rachel: I can't watch. It's like firing Elmo. (Ross walks to the couch where Sandy sits)
Ross: Sandy... Hi, we uhm... we kinda need to talk. I'm afraid it's not working out.
Ross: I... just feel that the... the chemistry isn't right. I'm sorry. We're... we're more than happy to give you good recommendation...
Sandy: No, none at all. You need to be happy with whoever is in your home... Although if you don't mind telling me, what was your problem? Maybe it's something I can work on in the future.
Ross: I know I am! (Ross now starts to cry) ...And when it's summer, and it's hot, why can't you wear a tank top?
LITTLE BULLY: Us, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.
(He tries to put it on her finger.)
Joey: Well, anyway, I got to go change, Im ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks.
Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.
Rachel: What do you really want to do?
(Chandler hands Phoebe an envelope, and some more to Monica)
Chandler: Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do?
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Thank you.
Monica: Chandler, please dont think I was trying to pressure you. Phoebe and Rachel
(Emma starts to cry)
Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration!
Rachel: Thank you! (goes to get coffee)
Monica: Hey, they dont pay me a penny a word to make friends.
RACHEL: Okay, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today.
Richard: on the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)
PHOEBE: I know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. [leaves]
Ross: (to Rachel) Haha! Looks like you're not going to be in the wedding either. (Looks at Phoebe) So sorry Pheebs.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is at the counter drinking coffee as Elizabeth enters with her dad, Paul. Elizabeth goes to kiss Ross, but he just kisses her on the forehead. By the way Paul is played by Bruce Willis. Yes, that Bruce Willis from Moonlighting, Die Hard, and Armageddon.]
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey is giving Chandler the bracelet from season 2.]
Mr. Treeger: Well Im gonna have to put on a new lock, theyll find out anyway.
[Scene: Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey]
Ross: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actuallyI-I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that.
Joey: This is so exciting for her. Well, Ill let you two fash ists get down to business. (Exits.)
Monica: Ross used to stay up every Saturday night to watch Golden Girls!
Phoebe: All right, I guess I'll have to find a new bridesmaid.
Phoebe: To kill Bob??
Rachel: (sitting down next to Chandler) Im training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks.
Ross: Soon hell be able to call you, that lady he knew who got fired.
Joey: Whew! Stood up to fast, got a little head rush.
Rachel: (worried and shocked) Yeah, sure Mr. Zelner, for you anythingminute. Okay. Fine. (To Tag) Abort the plan, abort the plan. (She start to usher Tag out.)
Gavin: Pleased to meet you.
Chandler: Look, you cant call somebody after this long just to say, In case you didnt notice, I dont like you!
Monica: Pleased to meet you. So you're coming to Rachel's party tonight?
Monica: You were just being so nice to him!
Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, youre going to have three babies.
Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person.
Ross: We have to stop them before something happens!
Joey: I came over here to tell you guys.
Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a persons hands?!
Joey: Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute, I mean Rach, I mean if if... . If Hugsy means that much to Emma then... well she can have him.
Gavin: Yeah, hey. (comes in to the balcony)
Ross: I dont know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.
Rachel: Well Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.
Joey's Doctor: Are you ready? It's time to try peeing. (Joey makes a face like he is trying to pee.) Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! It's almost time to try peeing. (Points at the bottle Joey is to pee into.)
Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes.
Monica: Dad! Theres Ross (points), why dont you go talk to him?
Joey: That's right Ross, I can see you in your new apartment! And you can see me! Same as yesterday, (To Monica) same as the day before.
Joey: (entering) (He clears his throat to get their attention.) Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something.
David: Hey! Oh, I was just about to leave. I-I-I-I didnt think you were coming.
Ross: Rach, I think I'm gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I don't want to infect him.
Monica: Oh really, you want to talk about quality? Have you heard of a key? It's what some people sing in.
Helena: (disappointed) I see. Well, I wish you both a lifetime of happiness. (To a bald guy.) So youre bald?
ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!
Ross: (to Rachel) So, hes just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesnt want anything in exchange for helping him?
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.
(Oh, I should point out that the live studio audience at this point goes absolutely wild. And I had absolutely no idea that this Will character was that popular! Maybe they should make him the seventh friend. Which would work out just fine since hes already married to one of them. Will is played by some guy named Brad Pitt, I guess hes some sort of actor.)
Phoebe: Hi. Listen, Im sorry about that whole thing with Roger. It really wasnt right, and I, and I want to make it up to you, so umm, I brought you something that I think youll really enjoy. (Goes into the hallway and returns carrying the Evander Holyfield cutout.) Now, this is just a loan. Okay? Im gonna, Im gonna want him back. So (Looks at him longingly) Im gonna go now. (Exits.) (Pause) (Entering) Im sorry, I thought I could do it and I cant! (She grabs the cutout and exits for good.)
Ross: (not getting it) Yeah! Yeah! Rachel picked it out for me. She told me to trust her and you know what? I'm glad I did! I turned quite a few heads on my way over here.
Joey: Oh man! I have to get those done too?!
Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something?
Joey: Ahhh! I heard "I do", were halfway there! Okay! (To Bobby) You!
Phoebe: Cause youre still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and...
Elizabeth: Yeah! Im just going down there to relax and hang out with my friends.
Chandler: Oh really?! You think youre stronger? Why dont you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)
Joey: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you to know youre not gonna be alone in this.
Ross: Don't you have to be at work?
Gary: Okay, now I've really have to go!
Chandler: Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
Chandler: I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment... Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?
Monica: Okay. (They walk away to get some privacy.) We have got to beat them! {Here we go yet again.}
Phoebe: (without moving her lips, wearing a fake smile) Okay, I will. (to Rita) This is my husband Crap Bag.
Gavin: Yeah! But you said not to worry about...
Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself Im partial to
Mike: If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.
Gavin: Hi! Gavin! Please to meet you. It was my idea to stand there.
Gavin: I think you should talk to Ross about all this.
Joey: Oh! I see what happened. It's because I was trying to repel you. Right? Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.
Phoebe: Hi hi...Oh you have got to sing.
Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).
Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica is trying to erase Chandlers dirty words while he looks on.]
Rachel: Okay Joey, were luffing a little bit, so could you tighten up the cunningham? (The mainsail has started to flap in the wind and has stopped working efficiently; she wants him to tighten it so that it starts working again.)
Ross: No, its Its not that. Umm, now what Im going to say to you, Im not saying as your friend. Okay? Im-Im saying as it as Monicas older brother.
Stripper: So is that a bedroom? (Points to the guestroom.)
Joey: What the hell am I supposed to do!
Rachel: (on phone) Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat...(cut)...I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. (She hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket.)
(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)
Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasnt finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But dont worry! Were gonna go down the fire escape!!
Rachel: Oh God. You know what? Who you think you are? Who are you to decide what messages I should or should not get?
Chandler: (really try not to laugh) Good to know.
Ross with a look of wondering how long this is going to go on on his face: Still me.
Monica: I swear I didnt. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?
Michelle: Hey, do you want to go away this weekend?
Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, youre back with Rachel. If you bring this up now youre gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.
Rachel: Oh, that�s what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me?
Jill: This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think? (She spins to show Rachel the outfit shes wearing.)
Rachel: I would love to live with you Ross; thats-thats great! Thank you!
Monica: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.
Rachel: No, so I dont have to get married until Im 33! Thats three years, thats three whole yearsOh, wait a minute though. Ill need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and Id like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged Which means I need to meet the guy by the time Im thirty.
Ross: I never gave it to you.