words in movies
[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.]
Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.
Joey: Do we have to know about that?
Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.
Chandler: You have to pick your moments.
Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?
Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker.
Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean.
Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?
Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician.
(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.)
Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good too.
Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here.
(Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.)
They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry and you cry...
Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.
Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause) What if the baby needs him?
Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. (pause) What do you mean, Joey who? (covers the phone, to Joey) Joey who?
Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Joey) She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.
Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.
Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.
Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.
Carol: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're not making it any easier.
Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot.
Susan: (to Ross) See what you did.
Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen...
Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe.
Ross: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady?
(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.)
Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]
Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.
Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?
Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.
Monica: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he's gone. (Listens) No no, you don't have to fly back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this might be your only chance? (Listens) Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet.
(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]
Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.
Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?
[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is walking up to Lydia's room with balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby's father has arrived. He listens at the door.]
Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.
(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.]
Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.
Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, you were fighting.
[Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]
Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening me.
Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?
Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing.
Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]
Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!
Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.
(Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)
Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot your legs!
Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need(reaches for an instrument, Rachel's hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have this?
Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!
Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?
Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.
Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.
Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. (walks out of the picture) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns)
Chandler: And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.)
(The screen fades to black.)
Tag: (handing his to her) This ones from me.
Rachel: I cant let him go out that way, hes got a meeting. (To Ross) Youve got something here on your back.
Phoebe: (trying to hold back the struggling cat) He seems to hate you. Are you sure?
Monica: What happened to your teeth.
Ross: Oh great! Hey-hey Joey, do you want to check out pictures of me and Mona ice skating?
Joey: The part I want to audition for is a fireman, this is so meant to be!
Janice: Oh well thats what I thought about my first husband, now Im lucky if my kid gets to spend the weekend with her father and the twins and little Ms. New Boobs.
Chandler: (To Monica) How are you feeling?
(They hear Monica trying to unlock the door. So Phoebe quickly pushes his head down onto the table to make it look like the turkey is just sitting on a platter and not stuck on Joey's head.)
Rachel: Id love that. I would loooove (Carol goes to make the coffee and she sits down.) So uh, so where is sweet little Ben? I would love to have a little...
Cecilia: Id love to, but my lawyer said I cant do that anymore.
Monica: Sex! This is the last day I�m ovulating, and when we don�t do it now, we�ll have to wait till next month. (walks towards bedroom)
Joey: All right, so... next time, you take her to your place.
(Joey starts to walk away, but stops.)
Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't get into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.
Monica: Oh, Rach! Rach! Umm hey, could you do me a favor and would talk to Chandlers dad and try to keep him away from Chandlers mom?
Monica: How could you mess this up? It's so easy? You go into the booth, you count to five and you turn around!!
Phoebe: Hey! So Chandler, wanna go to the coffeehouse?
Rachel: (ignoring him) Anyway, Ralph just came in to tell me that hes so happy with my work that he wants me to be the new merchandising manager for polo retail.
Monica: Ross, I think we should stick to the routine, we dont wanna look stupid!
RACHEL: And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.
Phoebe: (quietly) Sells drugs to kids.
STEVE: You used to be my babysitter.
Monica: Okay, the owner of Allesandros came over to yell at me, but instead I made him some sauce, and he offered me the job as head chef!!
Amy: Well, I don't need you to help me, because I already know what I'm going to do with my life.
Chandler: (starts to laugh, but then gets serious) So umm, you-you flirt with guys all the time?
(They putting their notepads down and get up to leave.)
Phoebe: Okay, what about you? (Points to Karin) Wouldnt you want a date?
The Wedding Guest: Oh, I used to work with Frannie.
[Time lapse, Monica is going over to talk to Joey.]
Chandler: (To Monica) Shes not as pretty as she was when she was 29.
Chandler: also I was the point person on my companys transition from the KL-5 to GR-6 system.
Monica: Wait, were supposed to organize the wrapping paper drawer.
Rachel: Ohh, you can say. Come on, I dont want you to feel like you cant tell me things. (Motions for him to sit down.)
Ross: (showing the Playboy magazine to Gunther) Oh, hey, Gunther, check this out.
Ursula: Right, yeah, cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.
Monica: Chandler! You don't have to ask for my permission. (Quietly) You can go.
JEANNIE: Oh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.
[Scene: Ross goes to see Mike to explain about Phoebe.]
Joey: You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan)
PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
Phoebe: Wait, if thats his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?
Ross: (to Joey) So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.
Ross: No, NO! (they're moving to the side of the bed, where they sit down) Look, I need to talk to Joey. I mean, you guys just broke up. Before anything more happens between us, I need to know he's okay with it.
Joey: Okay now, before I make my final decision I uh, I just want to make sure our personalities match. Okay, so I made up a little test. Now, Im gonna say a word and then you say the first thing that comes to mind.
Mrs. Geller: Can we talk to you for just a yknow Its just a little thing. Well we think its absolutely marvelous that youre having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why weve told them all that youre married.
Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.
Joey: Yknow, when we talked about face to face, I dont think we thought it all the way through.
Phoebe: Hey! You guys, Im writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you want to hear it?
Monica: Pheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?
Cecilia: Well, its nice to know that you
Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!! (Runs to Monicas.)
Monica: (To Chandler) You kissed a guy?!! Oh my God.
Phoebe: yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh (takes a deep breath and sits down, knock on the door)
Phoebe: Yeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? Because I can, and my Mom couldnt, and I thought y'know, I figured that was something I got from our Dad.
Frank: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesnt melt.
Ross: (To Rachel) Do you wanna start telling secrets?
Phoebe: (entering) Ross! How could you do that to an old man?!
(He goes to turn off a machine. Suddenly, Dr. Drake Remoray appears at the door with two cops!)
Phoebe: Oh, great! We couldnt keep our eyes off each other all night and then every once and a while yknow, hed kinda lean over and stroke my hair and touch my neck. (Does that to Monica.)
Phoebe: Right, yeah, ok, I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault.
Gunther: Hey! Take these cappuccinos to table 11 and that guy over there (points) wants the biscotti.
Chandler: Well, lets just say its ironic how footage of someone being born can make you want to kill yourself.
(Ross hesitates then leans down trying to get her to kiss his cheek, but she moves his head around and kisses him on the lips again.)
Joey: Ahhh (To Rachel) Eh?
Ross: Hey! Its starting to snow.
Monica: (Runs out to the hallway) Chandler, wait. It goes: Old job, (Raises her hand) new job, (Raises her hand really high) you. This is just something I have to do.
Ross: (to Ben) Okay! All clear!
Chandler: Yeah lets head off to work.
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Chandler: Yeah, were gonna have to get you out of those shoes.
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandler's beard.)
Elizabeth: I wanted to say how much I enjoyed your class.
Phoebe: That is so smart! (To Chandler, under her breath) Break it off. Break it off now.
(He goes to sit down next to Ross.)
Joey: Come on! What are you doing?! Im in character! Would you talk to her! (Storms out.)
Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me.
Rachel: Hi! Ok, you're ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping?
Ben: Can I do it to you?
MNCA: [disgusted, trying not to show it] I love how it crumbles. Now see, your chocolate doesn't do that.
Rachel: (mouthing it to him) Yes, you did.
Chandler: You dont want to be guys, youd be all hairy and wouldnt live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)
PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Monica: Toe the line. Thread the needle. Think outside the box! (Tries to leave, but is stopped by Rachel.)
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh
Monica: Great! Were hangin in the kitchen! (She drags him into the kitchen and turns his back to the living room) Lets stay in the kitchen!
Chandler: Thats right! Where are the guys? Im ready to get drunk and see some strippers.
Ross: I have a bone to pick with you.
Phoebe: (starting to cry) Thank you so much.
Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Yknow how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you?
Rachel: Oh Ross!! (Runs to the bathroom and closes the door.)
Chandler: Pheebs, can you help me pick out an engagement ring for Monica? I cant figure this out! Its so hard! Should I get her a (turning to each page) Tiffany cut or a Princess cut or aah-ah! Paper cut!
Monica: Youre gonna like him so much. So umm, when do you want to meet him?
Ross: Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me?
(They both start to read ahead.)
Ross: Hey listen I uh, talked to Chandler, sorry about the movie.
Elizabeth: No, I have some turning 21 to do.
Phoebe: Really? Theres nothing sexual about this? (Sexily) Oooh. Oo God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh. (Some cute guy is watching closely.) (To him) What are you looking at?! (Pause) I mean hi.
Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. (Camera fades to Ross, who's listening very carefully) Joey was there too.
Ross: What are you reading? The Kidnappers Guide to Manhattan Private Schools?