words in movies
[Camera pans back from the TV to show the gang watching.]
JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
CHANDLER: Yeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat. . . all of the sudden I have this big attitude problem.
MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
PHOEBE: Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
PHOEBE: I know, I know. [to Rob] Hello.
PHOEBE: Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.
ROSS: Well, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchan, answers to the name Marcel.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing] Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike. But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner. Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too. La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
ERICA: No, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.
ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?
ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.
PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you get older when you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you. . . But don't. Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?
ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK. I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.
RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.
[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]
CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.
ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]
ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?
JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?
SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.
SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.
CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse. CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.
SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]
RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?
RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
[back to Chandler and Susie]
SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.
SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?
[back to Rachel and Monica]
MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...
RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.
CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?
CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?
PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?
RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.
CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.
CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]
SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.
SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.
CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.
MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...
RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.
CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]
VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.
PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.
CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that?
Rachel: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you already gave that to Monica, so...
Ross: Calm down. Theres no reason to get testy.
Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.
Monica: This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to! (leaves)
Chandler: Yeah, Joey said I uh, I needed to relax so he gave me an antihistamine.
Ross: Yes lets. Yknow what? Uh, its-its not important. What is important is that, is that were having a baby. And its notDoesnt matter who came on to who.
Joey: (shocked) Dah!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)
Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.
Monica: Oh my God, the cat's made my eyes water! Don't-don't throw it to me! My vision's been compromised!! (Quickly grabs a tissue to wipe her eyes.) Oh God! Okay. Okay. It's okay. Man, that was close.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.]
Phoebe: Im, uhh, making up flyers trying to get new massage clients. So, can I come to Bloomingdales and use the copy machine.
The Cooking Teacher: Monica, you go to the head of the class.
Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone)
(Ross walks over to the scrum, walks around a bit looking for a way to get into the scrum.)
(He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey's apartment. She sneaks up to the shower door)
Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.
[Scene: Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face.]
MONICA: Really? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.
Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. Theyve been taping those people up there all day.
Rachel: (to Monica) Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.
Joey: You got it! Oh-oh! (He starts patting the burned spot, which just happens to be over her breast.)
JOEY: Yeah, we're goin' to a Ranger game.
Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. Im family, Im it. Now, now Im done. (starts to leave)
Joey: (whispers to Phoebe and Rachel) Hey, thank you so much. (They both exit.)
Phoebe: Or, yknow, I used to beg for money. Of course it helps if youve got yknow a little of this (she sticks her chest out and shakes it) goin on. Wow! I still have it!
[Scene, The Airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman.]
(They all rush toward Rachel, who panics and runs away. She runs out of the park and up along the fence, she then comes back into the park and runs past Monica, as she gets to Monica, she throws the ball at Monica, and it hits her in the eye.)
Joey: Ah, he cant make it, he said he had to his... (sees Ginger) Whoa-oh! (hides behind the coat rack.)
Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears)
MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".
Phoebe: Oh youre my biggest fan? Ive always wanted to meet you! Hi! (Shakes his hand.) Sure! Yeah! (Signs the autograph)
Chandler: Stop it! Youre killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!
Phoebe: Okay, this is inexcusable. I am shocked to my very core!
Phoebe: Go Charlie! But my point is, ok so she dated them but she also broke up with them. Maybe she's looking to, you know, slum it with some average Joe Phd.
Phoebe: But I already gave them back to you!
Joey: So, so is she still going to Paris?
Ross: (loudly) So I'm going over to Amanda's tonight!
(Ross frantically starts to open the window as Paul enters and traps him halfway out the window.)
Ross: God, you're amazing... I didn't even have to ask you to call me that.
Phoebe: Oh Chandler! Thank God you're alive. Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute?
Joey: Get the ball, ready? Get the ball, get the ball! (Joey pretends to throw it, but really doesnt, and the dog goes running off.) Well, youre cute, but youre not too smart!
Ross: That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!
Joey: No, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. (walks into the kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he turns around and gets startled). Oh, hi, you know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair (holds his hands up to signify she has big hair)?
Phoebe: YOU’RE SO GENEROUS AND KIND AND (crowd stops cheering) YOU'RE AMAZING IN BED (everyone hears it and stare at them.) (to everybody) IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY!
Joey: Uh well yeah, that was the plan, but by the time I got to it there was only a couple of pieces left!
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!! I'm stupider than Jane Rogers!!
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey's on the couch when Ross walks to him, with his jacket closed.]
Benjamin: I'm sorry. I just haven't seen her for so long! All these feelings are rushing back! I'm starting to realize how much I missed her, and I'm gonna need you to break up with her.
Chandler: When it comes down to it, you would risk your life for Ross before you would for me. That's the bottom line.
Joey/Drake: How can I? Knowing I'll never hold you in my arms again, or touch your skin, or feel your lips, knowing I'll never make love to you? How can I accept that... I can never kiss you again when it's all I can do not to kiss you right now.
Joshua: I invested in this night-club and its opening tonight, would you like to come?
Phoebe: So great! Okay! Tomorrow were gonna drive out to Montauk.
[Cut to Chandler and Joey's, Ross is seen throwing the ball into the bathroom, presumably where Joey is currently using the facilities.]
Joey: (To Rachel) Do you think he saw us or can we still sneak out?
SUSAN: Suddenly I'm seeing him go off to college.
Phoebe: Can I get you something to drink? Like a water and Valium?
Monica: You see that guy? Hes in classics now, but y'know as soon as we leave hes going straight to the porn.
(Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)
The Professor: Do you have a moment to talk about your lecture?
Nurse: Just so you know, Dr. Long cant be here today, she was called to the hospital, so Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China.
Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.
Monica: Anyway, I picked up this outfit that I want to wear and the, and the boots dont really go with it.
Ross: I cant believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some strangers gonna be living in my room.
Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear.
Joey: (With Big Eyes.) All right, youre right. Ill talk to her.
Joey: (entering, with bag) Hey! I'm off to my audition. How do I look?
Chandler: Well, you got here just in time. I really have to go buddy. (They hug)
Phoebe: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, its has to be 800. (picks up the instruction manual to check the phone number) Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one. (Finds the number) Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.
Chandler: They said it could be up to a year.
[Scene: Another street, somewhere along the River Themes, Ross, Emily, and Monica are walking to where theyre gonna get married. Emily is relating the troubles with the caterer.]
Ross: Well, I tried! But when I got to my lawyers office all I could hear was, "Three divorces. Three divorces!" Look, I just dont want my tombstone to read, Ross Gellar, Three Divorces.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. What's up bro?
Chandler: I didn't get to the bathroom. I bumped into Owen on the way, and he didn't know he was adopted. And there's a slight chance I may have told him.
Whitfield: (sits down) Well, I have to tell you, I was quite impressed with your paper on Pre-Cretaceous fossils. Yeah, it confirmed everything that I have written.
Ross: Right that's why I came over to talk about. Hum...I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony,even though there were NO LIGHTS !
Rachel: No! Come on its late, were not gonna go down to the office.
Rachel: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties?
Phoebe: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me.
Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?
Phoebe: Im sorry. Im sorry. I never got to be in a club. I-I didnt go to high school, but three of us would meet behind a dumpster to learn French. Bonjour.
Chandler: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.
Monica: Yknow what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case (Chandler gets that disgusted look back.) Okay
Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]
Joey: (whispering to Chandler) Youll tell me later?
Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I meanI'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.
Rachel: I can't believe this. All I wanted to do was help you try to figure out what to do with your life and this is how you repay me?
Joey: Yeah, you'd think I'd give up being a minister and start paying to ride the subway? Huhuh...
Joey: Yeah. I realized it about a half-hour ago but I didn't want to say anything 'cause I didn't want to jinx it.
The Food Critic: Im torn, between my integrity and my desire to avoid a beating. But I must be honest, your soap is abysmal. (Throws down the spoon and walks out.)
Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?!
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I cant get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and Im cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joannas desk.)
Phoebe: Uh Joey, were trying to dial down the crazy.
Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.
Ross: Oh, but I've got tickets to the Van Gogh exhibit! I've been waiting like a year for this.
Ross: Ok, I'm off to talk to my unborn child.
Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.
Bill: Some little snacks for everybody. Oh, you don't have to eat the sour worms. Those are for Owen.
(Joey whispers in Rachels ear to confirm his response.)