words in movies
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I cant call my office theyll kill me! I cant call my clients theyll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? Cause I think I read it!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susans coat.)
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
(They both laugh.)
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and Im having heart attack.
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
JOEY: They can't kill me, I'm Francesca's long lost son.
Rachel: Okay, calm down, here they are. (Gives back the sunglasses.)
Chandler: How can she be great if shes from Poughkeepsie? (laughs, at they all look at him) That joke wouldve killed in Albany.
(They don't move, just look all around them.)
Monica:: I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! (They hug)
Joey: And Rachel. I would've told you but they made me promise not to tell!
Ross: Ok. (they both go)
Monica: Im sorry, they surprised me. There was nothing I could do!
(They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth. Then they roll across the fur rug.)
Joey: Which one, they all suck!
(They both start laughing. There's a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: (watching around and whispering) Ok, are they listening?
Joey: Well to tell you the truth, they uh, (Pause) they had a problem with the bag!
(they hug)
Monica: Money! (they all look at her) Friends...
Joey: (sitting on the otherside of the counter from Chandler) Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.
Joey: What are they doing out here? The coasts all the way over there. (Points to the coast.)
Rachel: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, Im, Im sorry. (walks away)
[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]
Phoebe: Oh my God! (they hug)
Phoebe: Ok. (they walk away together)
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
(they hug)
Joey: Well thats true. And I am only naked in one scene. Plus it sounds really great. My characters catholic and he falls in love with this Jewish girl. Who run away together and they get caught in this big rainstorm. So we go into this barn and undress each other and hold each other. Its really sweet and-and tender.
Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, (Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee.
Chandler: Yeah, we were just talking about that. I can't believe how stupid we used to look. (They both quickly push their sleeves over their elbows.)
Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.)
Rachel: They made you head of the department!
Rachel: Thank you. (they walk away)
(they just look at her for a moment; then they go back to checking the tickets)
Ross: Hey! High-five! (they high-five)
Ross: Oh! (She kisses him) Ah. (They kiss more, and move down onto the couch. Ross's hand moves under some garbage) Aw! (His hand is covered with something brown and gooey.)
Joey: Yeah. (they leave)
Phoebe: Yes! (they hug)
Ross: (not paying attention) Yeah, they dont like you.
Monica: I highly doubt that. (they both go to the bathroom)
Phoebe & Mike: Yeah! (they leave)
(They start playing again)
Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. Theyre like, theyre like a family, and if, I dont know, theres chance they could make that work, I know I wouldnt want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?
Joey: (standing up) I will sit with you Dr. Geller. (He goes over to his table and they shake hands.)
Charlie: Are they still looking for us?
(They walk over to the playpen.)
Ross: I don't think they saw us.
Charlie: I don't think they did.
Rachel: We cant find Chandler (Phoebe sticks her head and motions that they found Chandler)s vest. We cant find Chandlers vest.
Chandler: (still helium voice) Right behind you, big guy! (they both head for the door)
Rachel: Are they right?
Rachel: Well-well that's 'cause I went down there and they were all smoking. This is actually the smell of success.
Phoebe: Hello handsome. (Sees Ursula over her shoulder) Oh God. (Walks away in shame as they kiss.) Oh look at you two. So when did you guys meet?
(They run and hug each other.)
Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? (Monica starts laughing, but very exaggerated. Joey realises they also should laugh and punches Ross. Now all three of them laugh, but very fake. Chandler seems happy again.)
Phoebe: Well, they may be a handful, but they're so cute.
Monica: If we wanna get on camera, I think we have to get up on one of those platforms. Theyve been taping those people up there all day.
Ross: When they see this you'll be 52!
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey sweetie! (they kiss)
Chandler: The reason we havent told them were together is because they hate me, okay? So will you fix this?
(They look at each other for a while)
Chandler: What a minute, I know that hat! I was taken aboard that hat! They did experiments on me! I cant have children!!
(Barry finds it draped on a cupboard and gives it to Rachel, they kiss as Bobby enters.)
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
(They hug)
Joey: I-I think everybodys pretending they dont hear you. Anyway, look, I dont know about you and your jackets and your separate tables, but Ross is one of my best friends, and if I save him a seat, Im telling you, he will sit in it! (Ross enters and goes over to the white table) Ross! Ross! Over here, man! I-I saved you seat.
Chandler: They left.
Phoebe: Great! Okay, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt)
Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her)
Chandler: (aside, to Ross) What!? They are totally ripping us off!
Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer lets see what you got. All right ya, put em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
Monica: They cant all be bad. (To Chandler) Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes. Ohh, there it is.
Rachel: Okay. (they both look into the camera, and Ross waves.) Hi Emma. Well, your first birthday is over, and it was really...
Monica: (surprised) They thought Joey was a child?
[Scene: Barbados, Monica and Chandler's Room. They both enter from Ross's room. Monica still has her big, frizzy hair.]
Ross: Look, they must be stopped!
(They both slowly enter the bedroom and quickly walk back out.)
Joey: (in a funny voice) Yeah, so it turns out that it wasnt the hair straightener that started the fire. (Rachel prompts him on what to say next.) No-no, it was the candles. Its very not good leaving candles unattended. In fact, one of the first things they teach you in fire school is (Phoebe suddenly enters.) Uhh Uhh Okay. Well, I have to go now. (Phoebe leaves.)
Chandler: (Still looks confused) They loved it.
Phoebe: No! Rachel, thats what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I dont get through, theyre not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! Its us versus them!
RACHEL: Hi. [Ross turns to Rachel and they hug]
[Cut to Joannas outer office, where Rachel and Sophie work. They are both coming back from lunch.]
(They kiss again, and Phoebe looks at the ring.)
CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.
(They both sit down at the table and the chick and the duck enter from Joeys bedroom.)
Charlie: I love you too! (and they start to kiss)
(Ross tries to clear off the pool table by knocking the balls to the other end of the table, but they all bounce back, and he frantically starts to throw them into the pockets.)
Phoebe: Where is everyone? They�re forty minutes late.
Phoebe: Oh great! And listen, could you do us a favor and not tell Chandler and Monica about this? Cause yknow umm, they dont-they dont have any kids of their own and-and this door was like a child to them.
[Scene: The beach house, its still raining. Chandler is building a sand castle, Rachel is doing Monicas nails, and theyre all drinking margaritas, obviously bored.]
Ross: Guess where they are?
(The gang swaps all the drinks for what they ordered as Phoebe enters. She sits down without saying hi.)
(they shake hands the way friends would. There's a muffin on the table, and Ross breaks off a piece and wants to put it in his mouth.)
Phoebe: Yeah That does sound great. I'm going to get the phone. (They both get up.)
ROSS: Shouldn't the pizza be here by now?� I mean, they said thirty minutes or less.� Well, how long has it been?
(They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.)
(Phoebe approaches as they almost get to their room.)
Monica: Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad.
[time lapse – they are still in the hall]
Chandler: Are you serious? (they hug)
(They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices)
Ross: Coffee sounds great. (They get up) Wait, so, so you live in Montreal?
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]
Rachel: (shakes her head) I guess... Oh, I just had such an idea of what this day would be like, you know? Emma laughing and everybody gathered around her cake singing "Happy Birthday". Then we would all go into... HEY GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU STUPID STUDENT DRIVER!!! (honks furiously, and Ross looks at her in disbelief and Rachel looks at him.) They have to learn!