words in movies
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Chandler: Oh I just got another rejection letter. They said my writing was funny, just not "Archie Comic funny."
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I cant call my office theyll kill me! I cant call my clients theyll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
Chandler: Aww, thanks man. (They hug.)
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? Cause I think I read it!
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Phoebe: Was it my work? Were they mad? Was it Jack? Did he yell?!
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Dr. Roger: They have parasites?
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Susan: Hey! (They hug.)
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susans coat.)
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Chandler: Okay. (They both realize what he just said.)
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Chandler: Okay! (They both get up.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring and gasping) Oh my God, they let you keep that stuff?!
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
(They both laugh.)
Phoebe: Well, they fired me and Im having heart attack.
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.
Monica: Aww... (They hug)
(A nurse gives Monica a pair of scissors. Monica gives it to Chandler, and they cut it together.)
Carol: Are they here yet?
CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, theyre returning from the party.]
Mrs. Geller: Actually they were Nana's.
(they start kissing but someone knocks at the door)
Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.
Carol: Where are they?
(They all throw their pieces back as there is a knock on the door.)
Carol: Is it a good sign that they asked us to hang around after the audition?
Erica: Well, there is a chance it's another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.
Rachel: (stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they dont want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.
Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we cant. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, were supposed to have lunch.
Rachel: Joey, just because theyre not getting married doesnt mean this is going to be a disaster. Maybe they have a plan!
Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh...
Phoebe: Be cool! (They both pretend to have a nice conversation as the guard walks by, but after he leaves they both start fighting again.) Okay lady, your lurking days are over!
Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la la la la.
Joey: Well nothing yet, they really hate you and I want to fit in.
RACHEL: Oh God, Ross.� Ross is going to pick up the phone.� Oh, I have to get my number back.� (She turns to find Bill, but they have gone.)� Oh my God.� He's gone.
CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.
Chandler and Joey: Awwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!
Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts...
Earl: (To All) Did you hear that?! I dont need you guys to care about me! Because the universe cares! The whole universe! (Laughs as everyone ignores him.) (To Phoebe) I really wished theyd care just a little bit though.
Monica: Yeah. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around:) Don't do the dance.
Joey: Monica just called from the cab. She said they should be here any minute. And apparently, there's some big surprise.
Phoebe: Okay, so now they know that you know and they don't know that Rachel knows?
Monica: And it could be soon. I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there (they go look through the window) our baby could be being conceived.
Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm....
Phoebe: No no no, Ill be nice, I swear!!! Could you just give me the number for where they are?
Rachel: I love you too. (They hug.)
(Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.)
Monica: (crying) I'd do anything for you. (They hug again.)
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.I'm sorry, good luck! (they hug)
Frank Jr.: Oh, I think you're right. Oh, wow. Phoebe, I don't think I can give one of them up. I mean, you know, they drive me crazy, but they're my babies.
Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils...
Ross: Uh, they don't like it when you correct their grammar.
Monica: They could be our neighbors, what are they like?
Ross: Oh great! (They get up to dance and Ross is interrupted by a little girl.)
Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?
Phoebe: Earl, youre not hearing me! All Im saying is that youre not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didnt mean him.)
(They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.)
Jill: No! They did! (Points to Phoebe and Ross)
[Scene: Chandler and Monicas, theyre getting ready to leave for the party.]
Phoebe: I was going too. (They go inside and he closes the door.) Umm, I brought some wine. Would you like some?
(They all start laughing, and quickly stop when they realize what she just said and run over to the bathroom.)
Monica: And when I told her that I was gonna be moving in with Chandler, she was really supportive. (To Rachel) (Starts to cry) You were so great. You made it so easy. And now you have to leave. And I have to live with a boy!! (They both break down in tears.)
Ross: Yeah, I thought we'd be groomsmen, but wouldn't they have asked us by now? When did they ask you to be their bridesmaid?
Big Nosed Rachel: Y'know what? I've just had it with high school boys! They are just silly. (Ross is overhearing this.) Silly, stupid boys! I'm going to start dating men!
Phoebe: Yeah, and theyve been coming by all day. They love it!
Phoebe: Not yet. Umm, I heard they really hurt, do they hurt?
Ross: Well then well-well see you the day after tomorrow. (Walks away slowly, but notices something.) Mom?! Dad?! (Theyre sitting by the window.) What-what what you guys doing here?!
Rachel: Well Phoebe, we gotta do something! (They turn the corner.) Well, yknow. I mean theres no way Joeys gonna make it in time. So Im gonna through the hotel and see if theres any other weddings going on.
Phoebe: I just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, yknow? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. Its been a really bad day, whore wise.
STEPHANIE: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
CHANDLER: I think they get it.
Joey: Okay. (They both walk off to watch for Rachel.)
Rachel: Look, yknow I know my lifes going pretty well, but I look around and I just see so many people whove accomplished so many other goals by the time theyre thirty.
Monica: You obviously havent screwed over a lot of your friends. (They all look at her) Which we all appreciate.
Kathy: Yeah. No, this is great. Thank you, Chandler. (They hug).
All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room)
Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.
Rachel: Yeah. Im gonna have a baby. Im gonna have a baby. Im gonna have a baby! (They all hug.)
(They give each other a dubious look.)
Joey: (enters) Guess what? (they all look expectantly at him) I finally got that seed out of my teeth.
(Suddenly they hear Janice laughing, and it ruins the moment.)
Rachel: Oh! Screw it, I didn't get it! (they high-five)
Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.
Phoebe: Enchanté (she holds out her hand, and they shake hands)
Conan: So that you will intentionally do something thattheyll-theyll intentionally screw it up?
CHANDLER: Welcome home man. [they hug and jump around]
(They all look to Phoebe to settle this.)
[They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out a smoke.]
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.
Rachel: I can not believe he would do that to MonWhoa! (She stops suddenly and slowly turns to point at Joey. Joey is avoiding her eyes.) Joey, do they know that we know?
Chandler: No! No-no-no-no-no-no. It sounds like they really need you down there.
Phoebe: Oh, this is terrible. Oh, theyve made so many changes I cant even feel my grandmothers presence anymoreOoh! New sconces!
Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.
Joey: Ms. Monroe (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)
Chandler: Oh honey, leave them alone, theyre in love.
Dina: I cant believe shes really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours. (They move into kiss but; theyre stopped by Joey entering with a huge bandage wrapped around his head.)
Joey: Well, since you ask. They want me back on Days of Our Lives!
Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants!
Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room.
(They hug and Joey enters.)
Chandler: The bath salts! Theyre starting to effervesce! Its different. (Pause) Its interesting.
Monica: Oh, my mom called, theyre gonna run our engagement announcement in the local paper, so were looking for a good picture of us.
[They both step out into the hall.]
[They hug and kiss.]
(Pause as they both take another sip of coffee.)
Erica: I don't think so. Although, they did mention something about two heartbeats. But I thought that was just mine and the baby's. They kept saying both heartbeats are really strong, and I thought well, that's good 'cause I'm having a baby.
(They hug as Rachel enters.)
RACHEL: No! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?
Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous (Holds her hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice) stingy.
Monica: Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps.
Joey: No, not really. They give you all the information, its uh, its like memorizing a script. (Making like a tour guide) "And on your left, you have Tyrannosaurus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period.
(She kisses him. Ross leans back for a second, and then they both kiss, more passionately this time as U2's With or Without You plays in the background.)
(Rachel grabs the bug bomb, activates it, throws it at the figure, and they both run out through the fog.)
Phoebe: Oh yeah? Well, let's see. (she takes her mobile phone) Ok, duck down. (they both get down to hide themselves. Phoebe calls Chandler)