words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going through the mail. She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and knocks on her closed bedroom door.]
Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?
Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. (There's a knock on the door.) Maybe that's him. (Goes to answer the door.)
Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm (Rachel opens the door.) It's just Joey and Ross.
Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!
Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.
Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family.
Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally got wrinkle free fax paper!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating breakfast.]
Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now that's the kind of math Joey likes to do!
Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed. Like-like you did with the babies.
(They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.)
Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right?
Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking.
All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.)
Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant?
Rachel: I dont care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever had!
Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
[Scene: Unitel Video, Studio 55, Joey's telethon, he is being shown around by the stage director.]
Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya!
Joey: But I'm the host!
Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.
Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That old jackass!
Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?
Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my new secret boyfriend.
Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his happy dance.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's on the phone with Emily.]
Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot.
Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport catching our plane with her.
Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her!
Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.) I'm actually asking you!
Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.)
(The phone rings.)
Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV.
Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He waves his hand in front of the woman next to him and you can now see his arm on TV.)
Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the duck are watching Emeril Live, a cooking show.]
Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs
(Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to turn off the TV.)
Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the cooking channel!
Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the other day.
Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was throwing up caterpillars.
Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm, Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we have the whole place to ourselves.
Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with the best you'd ever had.
Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's happy dance.)
[Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.]
Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the park and I let a bee sting me.
Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee is happy and I am definitely not.
Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya.
Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit! (Slams the phone down.)
(Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.)
PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man.
Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been enjoying the performance of Cirque Du Soleil, (As he is speaking, Joey and the volunteer getting into a shoving match.) and you'd like to see more of the same kind of programming, it's very simple. All you have to do (Joey is knocked down.) is call in your pledge and at that time tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of programming you'd like to (Just as the volunteer sits down, Joey pulls him to the ground.)
Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods of fate. (He holds up and starts shaking a )
Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. (There are none.) Okay then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel again? (He turns it over and reads the answer) Ask again later. Later is not good enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it is broken!
Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8 ball.) Will Chandler have sex tonight? (Reads the answer.) Don't count on it. Seems like it works to me.
[Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.]
Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money?
Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.
Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers (He walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of the bathroom carrying her cleaning gear.]
Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because you've made me the best.
Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and we're together, OH MY GOD.
Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the gloves on.
Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom.
Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves.
(He carries her over to the door and opens it.)
(He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits her head on the door.)
(He carries her into the hall.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.]
Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants, just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it. (The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try. You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy!
Ross: (answering the phone.) Hello. (Listens) Hi sweetie. (Listens.) Good. Look umm, yes I've been thinking about that thing that you wanted me to do and, I can do it. (Rachel gives him a thumbs up.) So will you come to New York? (Rachel wants to know what she said, and he gives her a thumbs up and she goes over and hugs him. All the time not knowing what's going on.)
[Scene: Central Perk, ??????? is playing, as Chandler peaks his head out of the storage closet and sneaks back to his seat and pretends he's reading something. Then a short while later Monica pokes her head out of the closet and sneaks back to her seat and sits down, pretending as if nothing has happened.]
(The apartment manager hung up on him and he hangs up the phone and throws in on the chair. Joey motions, "What the hell was that?" Chandler makes a face to say, "Think about it." Joey tries to divide 136 by 13; he's confused. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder dunder head. He gets it.)
Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.
Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?
Ross: (standing at the edge of the roof) Yeah, I guess we dont have a choice. (Screaming to the street) Help us! Please help us! Were stuck up on the roof and we cant get down!!!
Rachel: Ohh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American good-bye cheer. So okay! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Okay! Gimme an E!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Joey, Chandler, Monica and the twins are there. Everything has been put into boxes.]
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's. Joey is in the kitchen and the telephone rings.]
Chandler: The Velveteen Rabbit was brown and white!
Monica: Why? Because of the government.
Monica: See there you go. Woo! We're out of the woods. Okay, I'll get dressed now.
Estelle: (on the other end) Joe! Im glad I found ya, I got an audition for ya!
Rachel: Aw, Mon...(Kisses her on the cheek)
Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm gonna come to you.
Dr. Green: You know whats really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
Ross: (acknowledging the last part of her sentence) Well...
Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?
Paul: Sure you did! You came in, you got all awkward, and you ran into the bedroom. You were shouting, "Joey! Joey!" Bye Rach. (Kisses her.)
Monica: All right ah, Ross, this is the extent of my knowledge on the subject. (holds up a notepad) Call Rachel.
Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the way.) Shes wearing my bra!
Rachel: Okay get your coat! (They get their coats and start to leave. Rachel suddenly stops and sticks the hand up the back of her shirt.) Oh! When did you unhook this? (Her bra.) Nice work!
Joey: Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes. (They all look around and then back at Joey.) Im tellin ya!
Mike: But please, let's just forget the whole thing.
Ross: Thats right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film that Batman film he was in.
Chandler: (reading the back of the picture) Me and Frank and Phoebe, Graduation 1965.
Joey: Hey, what is with the secrecy Phoebe? Huh? And what about this Denise, is she cute?
Chandler: Yeah, I'm putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then that's what we're gonna do.
Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic!
Joey: I'd take you out for a romantic night. Some champagne, fancy dinner, feel you up on the carriage ride home...
PHOEBE: So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen).
Monica: Gotcha sailor. (Kicks one of her shoes off and it lands in the kitchen knocking something down, but she continues to strip.)
Ross: (leaning into the recorder as well) Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.
Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
The Writer: It wasnt my decision!
[Scene: The Mr. Bowmont (Joeys boat), shes shown to be in one of the waterways around New York, but in reality shes in a sound stage on the Warner Bros. lot and we see New York from the water in some rather poor green screen shots. Rachel and Joey are on board.]
Phoebe: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
[Scene: Gary's cop car, Ross is in the front seat with Gary of course. Chandler is in the back seat.]
Chandler: Y'know I rued the day once didn't get a whole lot else done.
Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father!
PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.
Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what were gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then youre just gonna pay the difference.
Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive.
Monica: I just ran into Dave and he told me that you blew him off! I mean, you listen to me! Now, I'm calling the shots! I say you leave Ross alone and go get Dave! What the hell were you trying to do?
Monica: Okay, I was thinking we should have a beautiful guest room, right? With a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them all the time! And we could have a roll top desk with comment cards on them so people could say how much they loved staying here!! Okay, whatever, I really havent thought about it that much.
Ross: And in my defense, the cleaning lady came on to me!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.]
(They move on the couch and start kissing again. Joey does his grazing on Rachel’s thigh and she slaps his hand)
Ross: I'm meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker...
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (Shes opening and closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.
(They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne)
MONICA: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.
Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think theyre a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?
CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhikers face), a rapist or a killer or something!
Ross: I know! I know. You know what? Im putting Ruth back on the table!
Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.
Chandler: Well, I didnt do anything. I didnt want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.
Joey: Hey, whats the horsepower on this thing?
[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]
Chandler: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday?
Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.
Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girls good.
Ross: (To the still half asleep Professor) Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! (hugs him whilst still on his lap)
Ross: No they dont!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?
Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, (looks at the tree) oh, but oh...
Jack: And my cholesterol’s off the charts!
Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears)
Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood.
(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)
(The oven dings.)
Joey: Oooh, the next parts the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub...
Monica: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement!
MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'
(He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.)
Phoebe: What's the matter with me? How do I keep ruining this? I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?!
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Rachel: Gimme the keys!
RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.
Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather recliner]
Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)
Monica: Oh my God! Let me see. (they all look at the pictures)
CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?
Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.
{Transcribers Note: Tradition was broken here as there were no commercials immediately after the opening credits, just more show.}
Rachel: Ok! Can't believe I'm risking this again, but you're on! All right Joe, you remember the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose.
Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the puss.
Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.
Chandler: At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps (he goes in the bedroom)
Rachel: Well, I havent seen him since that night that he told me how he yknow I dont know, I think hes avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor?
[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.]
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date.]
Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a lovers spat.
Ross: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes Madeleines?