words in movies
Phoebe: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!
Joey: (to Ross) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.
Chandler: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty."
Ross: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth?
Joey: What's wrong with the twentieth?
Chandler: Eleven days before Halloween.. all the good costumes are gone?
Ross: Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (Joey is puzzled.) Sex. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover.
Joey: The hell with hockey, let's all do that!
Chandler: (trying to stop Ross leaving) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (Pretending to punch him in the stomach.) Huh? Huh? Huh?
Rachel: Look-look-look-look-look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me!
Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
Ross: Oh, by the way, great service tonight.
Guys: Hockey! (They go to leave but are blocked by three of Rachel's friends, Leslie, Kiki, and Joanne. The guys pause to stare at them.) Hockey! Hockey. (The guys.)
Kiki: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true!
Joanne: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play.
Kiki: And while we're on the subject of news.. (She holds up here finger to show off her engagement ring and they all scream again.)
Joey: Leetch spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! (He kicks it to Ross, but Ross is staring into a shop window.)
Ross: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (off Chandler's look) Sorry. Sorry.
Rachel: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt!
Kiki: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar!
Rachel: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies.
Leslie: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are in pajamas and Monica is making something in the blender as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (She and Phoebe scream.) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (She pours the contents of the blender into some glasses.)
Rachel: Okay. (Grabs the blender and starts to drink.)
Monica: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister... (The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!
Monica: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people.
Monica: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay.
Rachel: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay?
Monica: (pauses then on the phone) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back?
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are trying to find their seats.]
Ross: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, they're all hanging out in the living room.]
Phoebe: No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
Monica: Ah, the other Jack.
Phoebe: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..
Phoebe: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
Monica: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy.
[Scene: Madison Square Garden, the guys are watching the game.]
(The player shoots and the puck flies off the rink and hits Ross in the face. Chandler looks concered until he notices...)
(Chandler and Joey hold the puck and wave at the TV thing.)
Chandler: (to the receptionist)'Scuse me.
Receptionist: (holds up her handshe is on the phone) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied.
Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (The receptionist glares at him.)
Ross: Hey, this- (she gives him a look and the guys back off) Heyy...
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the slumber party continues.]
Monica: No, you were right. I don't have a plan. (There's a knock on the door.)
Rachel: Thank God. Food. (She goes to answer the door.)
Monica: (leaping off of the couch and runs up) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos?'
Pizza Guy: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead!
Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)
Phoebe: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (She runs up and takes the binoculars.)
Monica: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt?
Rachel: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him!
Phoebe: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (Yelling) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (Phoebe covers her mouth with her hand walks away from the window.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Joey is miming hockey pucks kitting foreheads. Chandler realises it's getting tense and goes to the receptionist again.]
Chandler: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (She slides the gladd panel over and Chandler talks through it in a loud voice.) Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (To the waiting room.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (She slides the panel back, he turns, and it takes him by surprise.) Ba-!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all out on the balcony.]
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol.]
Ross: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow.
Chandler: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please?
Joey: He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that.
Ross: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you...
Ross: My first time with Carol was... (He mumbles the last part)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are still out on the balcony.]
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (She sits up and the cushion she was leaning against falls off of the balcony.) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me.
Monica: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel!
All: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the(pause)wowww.
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is absent.]
Chandler: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. (Ross enters off camera)
Chandler: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight.
Ross: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck?
Joey: Oh, ah- the kid has it.
Ross: The kid...? (To the kid) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck.
Ross: (to the kid) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever(to Chandler)can't do it. (to the kid) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck.
Ross: (tries to snatch it from the kid) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (but it files out of his grasp and knocks out the receptionist)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey and the girls are playing twister.]
Ross: (Doing the spinning) Okay, Monica: Right foot red.
(There's a knock on the door, Chandler opens it, and silently hands back the cushion.)
Chandler: Thanks. (The guy nods and leaves)
(The phone rings and Chandler answers it.)
Chandler: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people.
Rachel: Nooo! (She grabs the phone and Chandler takes her place on the mat.) (On phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. (Listens) Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really.
Ross: Green. To the green.
Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)
[Scene: The Auditorium, Ross and Rachel are about to... you know.]
Chandler: Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.
[Cut back to the cast and Conan.]
The Conductor: Last stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal.
PHOEBE: Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and dont come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)
Phoebe: ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the song... I realise that you didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes.
PHOEBE: You know what, that's it, that's it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.]
Rachel: Yeah, I know, go long. Y'know, its like all Im doing is running back and forth from the huddle.
Monica: No! No-no! He is totally incompetent. I called the chef who recommended him to me. He said, "Ha-ha! Gotcha!"
Joey: Oh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! Y'know, they'll call it, The Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."
[Scene: Hotel Monica, Phoebe is on the bed playing her guitar as Monica enters.]
Paul: (To Rachel) Thank you, its my moms. So this is the kitchen.
Joey: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! (runs after the waiter)
Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
Conan: I-I heard some of you guys talking about this earlier, but sometimes theres just a word that someone has to say that youll get hung up on. And itll justthe way you say the word is funny to everybody else.
Phoebe: No, I just heard when people live together, they split the cost of stamps. Don't they?
CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
Joey: She's my biggest fan. Yeah, she's the only one in the family that's believed in me.
RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.
(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps "drinking" and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)
Sergei: (to the rest of Central Perk) Everybody!! (In his language, and continues.)
Ross: The volcano?
Joey: (on TV, finishing installing the Milk Master 2000) Wow, it is easy. (starts to poor the milk) Now, I can have milk everyday.
[Cut to Chandler sitting down near Joey as his mom walks over. His birth mother, not the mother who recently visited one of those clinics in Sweden.]
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Phoebe: Yeah well, "excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but (peering through her spectacles) I can't see it, I can't see it"!
(There's a lot of yelling and screaming coming from the hallway, and they get up to look at what's the noise all about. In the hallway, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe are having another wind-up animal race, yelling and screaming fanatically.)
(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)
Phoebe: Okay, I know. Hold on. (She walks over to the couch.) Hey Ross?
Ross: A new place for a new Ross. I'm gonna have you and all the guys from work over once it's y'know, furnished.
[Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]
Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.
Phoebe: Yes, they are expected presently. Yeah, yeah um, their arrival is in the offing.
Chandler: (picking up a video from the table) Candy and Cookie. Candy and Cookie? Monica got me porn?! Girl-on-girl porn?! She really must love me!! (Chandler runs over to the TV, puts the tape in, and sits down to enjoy some "porn")
Joey: Oh uh, me and Ross can be the judges.
Megan: Oh, thanks for the tip.
Rachel: Okay, hold on real quick, hold on a second let me just uh, (sits on the counter and buttons her sweater to show some cleavage) get a little more comfortable here. Wait, now wait a second, this isnt too revealing is it?
Phoebe: And then. I would use y'know the strongest tool at my disposal. My sexuality.
JOEY: No, I don't. It's like, ya know, you work your whole life for somethin' and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. Ya know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre- approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.
Joey: Hello! (Listens.) Oh yeah! (To Chandler) It's the apartment manager; Ross put us down as references. (To the apartment manager.) Ross is the greatest guy you'll ever meet! Yeah, he's very reliable.
Rachel: Oh, I thought you guys meant marijuana cigarettes, y'know? Y'know what I mean, like dubbies? And I actually, I thought to myself, "Wow, those guys are crazy!" But no, I actually smoke the regular ones all, all the time.
Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians... (gestures with his hands and says in an impression voice?) "Can we walk"? (Phoebe starts laughing) Oh, you... you like that?
Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire.
RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh... paleontologist.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are discussing what to do about the now naked hooker in the guestroom.]
Chandler: Two. This photographer, who seemed really dull. And this actor guy, who Im not sure about, because when he called and I answered the phone Chandler Bing, he said Whoa-whoa, short message.
Monica: Oh, just until the glue dries.
Ross: Do you know the word crapweasel?
Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I dont think youve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologists office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
Monica: Now everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. (She starts labelling them) You got one, two three, four (Chandler is shocked to find out theres more than three), five, six, and seven!
(She opens the door to reveal Chandler and Ross. Unfortunately, they seem to have their holidays mixed up. They think it's Halloween and they're going as Crockett and Tubbs from that legendary TV show of the late 80's, Miami Vice. God, we looked silly back then!)
(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)
Phoebe: Yeah, hes really great though. He has this incredible zest for life, and he treats me like a queen, except at night when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.
Rachel: Oh, take the clothes of Joey's Cabbage Patch Kid.
Monica: Oh no, I already packed. The only thing I couldnt find though was your Speedo.
Ross: Y'know, I think they have those at that British pub near the trade center.
Chandler: Okay, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.
Chandler: (to Nancy) Okay, thanks... (to Monica) They passed. They said they wouldn't go a penny under the asking price.
Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (starts to get out his wallet) How much are the boxes?
Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...
Chandler: No, she's not okay? And I'll prove it to you. I'm gonna call her right now. (Picks up the phone and wipes it off) Phone's done ehh.
RACHEL: Ok, I've got one. [blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan] Wow, those things almost never come true.
Ross: I play squash...! Anyway, uhm... I uhm... I always get the feeling he thought I was too sensitive.
[Chandler goes to stand to the side of the TV.]
(The phone rings and Rachel answers)
Ross: Well, I was going to stick it in the ATM, but now I think Ill show the sexy teller that I am a published writer.
Joey: Shhh! This is a museum, no talking. Right down here, (Motions to a fossilised dinosaur foot.) we have a large foot. (Sees Ross working in one of the display cases.) Uhh, and over here we have Ross Geller. (Knocks on the glass) Everyone wave Hi to Ross. Ross is one of our most important scientists, look at him, hard at work. (Ross does the old "Putting a cigarette in your ear and pulling it out of your mouth trick.") Okay, moving right along. Come on.
Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.
Joey: (he stops Chandler from posting the message) No, no, no... what do... you can't do that to him!
Kim: Oh thats interesting? Because I checked and only one keycard was used to access the copy machine yesterday during lunch and that keycard belonged to you, Rachel.
Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!
Ross: My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn't get any fitter.
Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?
Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.
Joey (to Rachel): Dude, chill! (to Ross) Okay, we also kissed in Barbados, but we didn't plan it, okay? And the only reason that that happened was because I saw you kissing Charlie.
(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.)
Chandler: Well, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now shes celebrating that by going on a date with him.
Chandler: Why come all the way from Kansas to do that?
Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!
Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two monthsI didn't get to win once.
(A worker comes to open the door and the horde starts to press forward.)
Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)
Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
(Rachel calmly wipes the spittle off her face.)
Ross: (voiceover) So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera. [Cut back to the present day.] It kept rolling and recorded everything.
Monica: That was that girl Megan! She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said that I couldnt have them back unless I gave her the dress!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Ross in the living room, rehearsing what Joey will say to Charlie in the Museum]
[Scene: Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.]
Phoebe: Yeah, you don't wanna live in Westchester. That's like the worst of the Chesters.
[Scene: Joeys Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]
Donny: Well, welcome to the Winner Circle. Joey and Gene, you guys ready?
Ross: Then how do you explain the toe ring?!
Phoebe: Oh, really? Does it beat water balloon? (She places her hand over his "fire" and mimics a bursting water balloon, thus putting the fire out).
Joey: Hey, did you get to the part where theyre trapped in the car and Cujos throwin himself at the windshield?
Chandler: Stretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!
(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)
Joey: (to Rachel) Bub!!! (Points at her and quiets Rachel.) (To Dina) I cant believe this! Youre the good one! You went to college! Both years! Who did this to you?!