words in movies
[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.]
Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.
Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.
Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.
Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.
Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.
Monica: What's with the guitar?
Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?
Susan: We stopped at the gift shop.
[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]
Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the candy in front of Ross' face)
Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station.
(They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.)
Rachel: And if you need anything else, I(notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate.
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling asleep on Monica's shoulder.]
(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.)
Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good too.
Lydia: The Celtics.
Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright?
Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father!
Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here.
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.]
Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)
Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause) What if the baby needs him?
Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?
[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]
Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. (pause) What do you mean, Joey who? (covers the phone, to Joey) Joey who?
Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Joey) She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.
Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know?
Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.
Ross: Who the hell is Jordie?
Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.
Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.
Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.
(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)
[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]
(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.)
Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!
(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.)
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]
Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.
Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was justyeah, right. Push! Push!
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]
Susan: What're you gonna do, suck the door open?
Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la la la la.
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.]
(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.)
[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]
Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. Are you?
Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'...
Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha.
[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is walking up to Lydia's room with balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby's father has arrived. He listens at the door.]
Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see who won the game?
Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.
(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.]
Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.
Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.
Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?
Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, you were fighting.
[Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]
Joey: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station.
(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.)
Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]
Ross: Ok, got the vent open.
Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!
(Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)
(A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)
(Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)
(Everyone heads for the door.)
Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.
Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.
Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You guys, he's beautiful!
(They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.)
[Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the infant.]
(Monica opens the door.)
(The whole gang enters.)
Ross: The head, the head. You gotta...
[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as though it were Ben's eyes.]
Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. (walks out of the picture) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns)
(Chandler comes into the picture.)
(The rest of the group come into the picture.)
(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.)
(The screen fades to black.)
Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.
Phoebe: And youre so sweet. (kisses him on the other cheek) And youre kind (kisses him on the lips)
Phoebe: Obviously I didn't think they were gonna start throwing things. I just thought if I kept insulting everyone, you would jump in and defend everyone and then you could look like the hero.
[Scene: The Doctors office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch.]
Monica: You know everything!! Oh wait, double or nothing. I bet you the baby is over seven pounds. (Phoebe isnt interested.) I bet you it has hair. (Shes still not interested.) I bet you its a girl.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, The Halloween party has started. Monica is setting out some food as Rachel enters.]
Joey's Co-Star: Drake, Ive discovered the reason for all your headaches and memory loss.
Mr. Geller: Whats the matter with him?
(Marcel points the remote at Monicas television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)
Rachel: Man! He just keeps lobbing them up and I just keep knocking them right out of the park!
Monica: I'm his sister, okay? I love him! I don't want to see him get hurt! Come on! Doesnt that give me the right to control himhelp him?
Joey: Ow, I'm just going over the script now! You wanna read lines with me?
(As hes talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Lets see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)
Phoebe: All right, that makes sense. (Starts towards the door.) Ugh. ButScrew you Im going first! (She grabs her purse and runs out.)
Monica: Eww!! (Throws the bucket down.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the black chairs.]
Joey: All right, I'll see you in the morning.
Ross: No, no, really, Ive got to take the car back anyway, Im spending all day tomorrow with Ben, Its fine, no guilt I promise.
Chandler: (incredulous) I dont know what thats like?! Up until I was 25 I thought the only response to, "I love you," was, "Oh crap!"
Monica: Oh, the way you crushed Mike at ping pong was such a turn-on.You wanna...? (plays with her finger on Chandlers chest)
Monica: (in the hallway) So, where do you want to go?
Joey: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) What are you talking about? The auditions not til 5:00! (Chandler suddenly remembers and looks at the unfinished message then tries to sneak over and finish it as Joey listens.) Well, nobody told me! (Listens) Whod you talk to? (Listens and turns around to see Chandler trying to finish the message.) Nevermind! (Hangs up.)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Monica's carrying the laundry hamper to their coffee table.]
Chandler: Yknow what you should do, just toss em in the shedder and claim you never got em.
PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
Eric: I am so stupid. Of course she was lying! Shes not a teacher. Theres not such a thing as the top secret elementary school for the children of spies.
Chandler: Well that would help the pride thing.
Gate Agent: (On the P.A.) All ticketed passengers for Flight 1066 to Athens should now be on board.
Tour Guide: Oh, he wont sit here. Only the people in the white coats sit over there, (Points to there table) and only the people in the blue blazers sit here.
Monica: Okay, can we change the topic? Because its really doing nothing for me.
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
Paul: Ross, look, I know Ive been giving you a lot of jabs and its partly because Im very protective of Lizzie, and partly because well, they just keep coming to me. But I have to admit that after all the wonderful things that Lizzie has told me and the many, many, (pause) many stories that Rachel has told me that, well (pause) youre not (pause) all bad.
Frank: Yeah, if the best is like unbelievable pain!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is wiping down the peninsula counter as Joey enters dressed like a cowboy.]
Rachel: No, theres nothing to make up, shes gonna know that I have a key to her office, Ive got to get you locked up back the way you were! (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.)
Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
[Chandler exits to the balcony.]
(There is a cry of disappointment from the crowd of men.)
[Rachel leaves to the balcony.]
[Scene: The Atlantis Resort, Chandler and Monica are arriving to check in, but are behind the couple from before again.]
Rachel: Now the filet mignon, what comes with that?
Monica: I just had the most amazing bath.
Ross: (forages around) Okay, I have nothing in an evening shoe in the burgundy. I can show you something in a silver that may work.
Phoebe: Yeah! Okay. (They move to the couch.)
Joey: (taking apart the invitation) Hey, pretty smart! Tissue paper! Youre at the wedding, you have to cry, "Handkerchief?" "No-no, I got my invitation."
Monica: What about all the guys that you've got the phone numbers from? Why don't you just kiss one of them?
Phoebe: (To Joey) Which means she had a couple spritzers and a quick peck on the cheek.
Phoebe: You mean whenever Monica and Chandler where like y'know doing laundry or going grocery shopping orOh! All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp!
[The Gellers glare at Monica.]
Joey: (pounding the table) I wanna gooooooo!
Rachel: Mon, honey youre not dying. Im just moving out. Yknow, I mean were gonna see each other all the time.
[The Gellers glare at Ross.]
Chandler: No, see the thing is I want to get out of here before Joey gets all worked up and starts calling everybody bitch.
Rachel: Phoebe, Im going to Rosss wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, Im still in love with him! I mean, hey, yknow, I like Ross as much as the next guy, yknow? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings dont mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesnt mean that-that Im still in love with him. Yknow? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love himOhh! Oh my God! Oh mywhy didnt you tell me?!!
(Theres a knock on the door and a nurse enters carrying Emma.)
Joey: Then youre not invited. (Starts for the door again.)
Chandler: (to Joey) You couldn't be cool. (he goes to the guest bedroom)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is standing at the window waving at Ross.]
Mr. Thompson: Your generous contribution brings us a big step closer to building the youth center.
JOEY: My animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
PHOEBE: Please, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.
Chandler: Hey. I just, I just wanted to come over to-to say that Im sorry. Yknow? I know I acted like the biggest idiot in the world, and I can completely understand why you were so upset.
Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of here!
[Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Aw, it's soo unfair. (they both start digging into the 'good' ice cream)
Ross: Im so we werent in the car! Did he ever let up?
PHOEBE: (singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.
Cecilia: I-I-Im leaving the show?
[Scene: The conference room in Tulsa again, Chandler is trying to evade Wendy]
Chandler: Hey uh, Rach, funny story. I ah, bumped into Joanna on the street yesterday.
Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.
RACHEL: Well then uh, we better make this night count. [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off.] Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.
Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on yourself?!
Phoebe: I dont know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.) Ah-ha!
Gary: (on the verge of tears) Yeah.
Chandler: Yeah that was great. That was really great! But to tell you the truth, I'm more excited about where we are right now.
The Croupier: 8!:
Ross: No! The reason Im asking is that I sorta had one last night.
Ross: The routine!
Joey: So, does that mean the audition is off?
(When they finish, they walk over to the director)
Joey: Sure, yeah. Will you just keep an eye on the chick and the duck?
Joey: What the heck is that?
[cut to the guys team.]
Rachel: Okay then! (She starts rummaging through the trash to find Kim's lighter.)
Phoebe: Yeah, because you know what, it's... it's all about the children.
Alice: Oh no-no, never say that. If we cant get it out then we can cut around the stain, add a little lace, you make a stylish throw.
Ross: Okay, I'm the baby. (Points at his eye.)
Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we decided the picnic idea was a little Y'know, it didn't have any It-it, well it blew. So, we thought, that this afternoon that we would all go away for the whole weekend to, Atlantic City!
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Yknow, its-its just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You dont get to keep the gifts.
Rachel: (laughs) Youre not the man who left the cell phone.
Ross: Chandler was hitting on the hot delivery girl!
Joey: Really? In the moment, I really wanted to kiss you too. In the moment.
Joey: But only in the moment. So do ya wanna kiss again?
Transcribers Note: This is stuff we never saw from all of the seasons, so for all of the scene settings I will be using the current arrangements. Even though some of the out takes take place when Chandler was living with Joey and Rachel was living with Monica, when Joey and Chandler were living in Monica and Rachels, and the current arrangements.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Chandler, Ross, and Rachel are sitting around the table.]
JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh?
[Rachel and Chandler re-emerge from the balcony.]