words in movies
Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
Marsha: He's out banging other women over the head with a club, while she sits at home trying to get the mastodon smell out of the carpet!
(Carol, Ross's ex-wife, has entered behind them and is standing outstide the exhibit.)
Ross: Okay, okay, yes, it is. (waves) How about I'll, uh, catch up with you in the Ice Age.
(Marsha extis and Ross waves Carol into the exhibit.)
Ross: Well... you never know. How's, um.. how's the family?
Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding.
Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.)
Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down.
Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.
Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born.
Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew!
Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (Starts to look under the couch cushions.)
Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder...
Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with...
Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad...
Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the bottom of the glass pan.)
Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do it.
(Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there's a knock on the door which Monica answers.)
Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi.
Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.
(Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.)
Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Do you remember the Ludwins? The big one had a thing for you, didn't she?
Mrs. Geller: Well, they don't have to know that... (She starts to fluff the same pillow Monica fluffed multiple times earlier.)
Monica: Ross, could you come and help me with the spaghetti, please?
Ross: Yeah. (They go to the kitchen.)
Monica: I know this is going to sound unbelievably selfish, but, were you planning on bringing up the whole baby/lesbian thing? Because I think it might take some of the heat off me.
Mrs. Geller: What that Rachel did to her life.... We ran into her parents at the club, they were not playing very well.
Mrs. Geller: Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar...
Mr. Geller: Look, there are people like Ross who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum, and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are- I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer.
Monica: (trying desperately to change the subject) So, Ross, what's going on with you? Any stories? (Digs her elbow into his hand.) No news, no little anecdotes to share with the folks?
Ross: (pulls his hand away) Okay! Okay. (To his parents) Look, I, uh- I realise you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done.
Rachel: The lights, please..
(Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.)
Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the broom and sits down.)
Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...
Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec.
Ross: Well, uh, uh, I don't know, okay, okay, how about with the, uh, with the baby's name?
Ross: 'S'funny, um, uh, we agreed we'd spend the rest of our lives together. Things change, roll with the punches. I believe Julia's on the table..?
[Scene: Barry's office, Rachel is doing her makeup in the mirror on Barry's lamp as Barry enters.]
Rachel: Anyway, um, (Gets the ring out of her purse.) I guess this belongs to you. And thank you for giving it to me.
[Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about what to name the baby.]
Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title?
Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do-
Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back..
(He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches hes ear. He returns and stares at it.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram. Rachel is on the phone.]
Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.
Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.
Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now.
Chandler: Were doomed. Okay, theyre gonna take 50 bucks out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What are we gonna do?
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?!
[This starts a series of flashbacks; the first one is from Episode 106: The One With The Butt, Joey is in a play called Freud!.]
(The single light flickers and goes out. Leaving the room in total darkness.)
Monica: Emily has probably been planning it since she was five! Ever since the first time she took a pillowcase and hung it off the back of her head. Thats what we did! We dreamed about the perfect wedding, and the perfect place, with the perfect four-tiered wedding cake (Starting to cry), with the little people on top. (Ross gets thrown a box of Kleenex from the bathroom and he gives her one.) Thanks. But the most important part is that we had the perfect guy who understood just how important all that other stuff was.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]
Joey: Ah! Okay, well then you dont judge me. Im gonna suck on the cellophane from the brownie I had before. (They both do as they planned.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Chandler are returning from the game.]
Chandler: (To the nurse at the nurses' station) My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is still there) Janice! You're not... gone?
BIG BULLY: [walks back from the counter] Hey you're in our seats.
(An unamused woman walks into the office.)
Phoebe: Just one last time erm... the marriage thing... there's no wiggle room? None at all?
Monica: Because I don't have the money or the equipment to handle something that big on such short notice. I mean there's no way.
Both: The dark of night has disappeared!!
Phoebe: We were at the game, and this guy proposed to his girlfriend on the big screen thing...
Monica: If you have the big apartment you have to deal with people coming over all the time. That fridge has got to be stocked, okay, thats your department now. (She takes back the turkey leg)
Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!
Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.]
Rachel: (to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of the kids from Fame. Ready to go to the movies?
Monica: He is the man in the black dress.
Monica: Hey Phoebe. Hey, tell me what you think. All right. The house next door to the one that we're buying in Westchester? Just went on the market. I wanna take a look at it, but Chandler doesn't.
Ross: Yeah. Tell ya what, lets not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur dudes!
Phoebe: (entering and sitting down at the table.) Hello. My name is Regina Phalange. I'm a businesswoman in town on business. Would you like to see my card? (Looks down) Ooh, what did I do with my file-a-facts? I must've left it in conference room B.
Ross: This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh? They're not even... butch, manly cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks. (takes a careful bite from the cookie)
Chandler: 99...100! Ready or not, here I come! (He opens his eyes and sees that the chick and the duck are still sitting in front of him) All right, let's go over the concept one more time.
The Interviewer: So it seems like you have a lot of friends, who would you say is your best friend?
Alice: Umm, it costs $16,000 each time you do this. So, umm, were kinda using all the money we have to do it just this one time.
Joey: I wasn't gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by children to play on the beach from his backpack)
Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.'
Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a week, so the other three I can be here with you.
Monica: It was so wild! We told em we were the Gundersons in 16
Ross: That may be the most depressing thing Ive heard in my life. I should probably get these to my lawyers office.
Cassie: I guess the last time we really hung out was when our parents rented that beach house together.
Chandler: Yeah, that's the same as "it has something to do with wind".
Monica: (without looking up from what she's doing) Besides tampons and salt? (Then looks) Ooh! My God! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. (Opens the box) That's weird...it's empty!
(They spilt into their sexes and the girls read Monicas and the guys read Chandlers. The girls gasp and groan and the guys laugh hysterically.
Ross: My foot is stuck in the pocket.
JOEY: No, no, no.� When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-Knicks game . . .� courtside!
Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that ladys all kinds of naked.
Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
Rachel: On a cliff, in Barbados, at sunset, and Stevie Wonder sang Isnt She Lovely as I walked down the aisle.
Monica: No! Wait! If anybody gets to go.. it's us (Points at herself and Chandler) We've been complaining the longest!
Paul: And in fifth grade I got into a fight. Well, it wasnt really a fight. Richard Darinvel bit me on the nose and, and I feel down. I still have a little scare right here (points to it) you can see it.
(Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a cardboard box.)
ROSS: [holding cream pitcher] Oh, darnit, we're all out of milk. [holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid] Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?
JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.
Janice: What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.
Joey: (returns to their old table where elderly people are sitting now, sits) Finally you guys made it. (looks up, turns left to Phoebe�s chair) Pheebs, who the hell�uhuhh!
[Scene: The street outside Central Perk, Rachel is trying to sell the cat.]
Monica: (shaking the dice) A new pair of shoes for the Chan-Chan man! (Rolls the dice.) Yes!
(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)
Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into "
MIKE: (looking at his watch) Eleven minutes.� (long pause)� And now twelve.� So, do you like the beer?
[Scene: Downstairs at Danny's party, Monica and Rachel are coming down the stairs and Rachel has on a coat to make it look as if she's just getting back. But just as they reach the landing they see Danny out in the hall talking to a guest, Rachel then quickly pulls Monica back up the stairs.]
PHOEBE: Uhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.]
[Scene: Ross's apartment.Someone's knocking on the door. Ross rushes to the door and it's Rachel with Emma.]
Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin sail up the Hudson! Youve got the wind in your h(sees that hes bald)arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that youve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin! You canooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when youre old, Cappy.
[cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate, the doorbell rings.]
Rachel: Pretty well, actually... (Wandering into the kitchen.)
Ross: �Lo que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! (The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)
Chandler: Well, she's aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it.
Mike: Yes. Yeah and thanks for all the wedding night advice. (walks away) That didn't make me uncomfortable at all! Alright, so I'll see everybody tonight?
Frank: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes...
Ross: Okay, we could still make dinner if we skipped the appetisers and asked for our check right away.
(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)
Chandler: Yeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up y'know, and he just started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!
Ross: Hi, um, Im err, (has to clear his throat) Im Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carols bulge) ..thats, thats my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carols, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..whos next?
(Ross hits the playback button.)
Phoebe: Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh." (A maniacal laugh follows.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there for his interview and everyone but Phoebe are hiding on the couch.]
Chandler: So you dont have the cameras?!
Chandler: (going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
Ross: Oh! A fine choice. I'm coming out. (Starts to climb over the furniture)
Mr. Douglas: Ohh, its been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.
RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.
Ross: (dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine! I-Im gonna call the cops!
Larry: Hey, buddy! (Flashes his badge.) Are you familiar with Section 11-B of the Health Code that requires all refuse material out the back exit?
Joey: I dont know. Just uh, just tell em it was a mix-up with the invitations, orNo-no-no! Blame it on the post office. They hate the post office. And the Irish! But I dont think you can blame it on them so (He dials the phone and hands it to Monica.)
Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.
Chandler: Okay, so this isnt a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with with this lady. Which by the look on your face Im sure youll remember. So we dont need(Rips the picture)Theres no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now.
The Interviewer: Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest will be happy to hear that.
Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair. I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little detail. (There's a knock on the door.) Maybe that's him. (Goes to answer the door.)
Phoebe: I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
Monica: Youre really sticking with the shell necklace huh? (Points to necklace of shells hes wearing.)
Joey: Oh, yknow, when we did that was when that bird was flying overhead with the fish in his mouth. Did you see it? It was gross!
Rachel: (on tape) (Ross hands her a glass of wine) I cannot believe that I did this. Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! (Mimicking Monica) "Okay Rachel! Here are the invitations Rachel! Now be very careful Rachel! Please, drinking no liquids around the invitations Rachel!" (She tilts her wine glass above and moves it back and forth across the invitations) Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh oh-oh-oh
(Ross quickly directs the families to their tables.)
Rachel: Oh, oh my God! I can practically hear the mahjong tiles!
RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandlers) Or if you prefer, this table is available.
(She makes a big show out of pulling out the cork and pours the wine.)
Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and (She holds the mike out to the audience.)
Monica: Nobody cares about the Dakotas. (Thats true in so many ways, trust me, Ive lived in one and been to the other.)
Joey: Good, me too. (Tosses him the loaf.) Eggs and milk are in the fridge. Thanks.
Chandler: Well, I umm, I mean this is just off the top of my head now, umm but I have this friend. This actor friend and he would kill me if he thought I was doing this umm, but umm would it be possible for him to get an audition for your movie say on Thursday?
Ross: Joey! This is like the last commercial. You've got like (checks his watch) ten minutes left!
Ross: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review, who was the voice of "Underdog"?
Phoebe: That was the best part? (To Chandler) Good honeymooning tiger.
Phoebe: No, its New York magazine. Its an article about the best schools in the city. So how well do you know Sting?