words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch reading.]
Joey: Can I see the comics?
Chandler: This is the New York Times.
Joey: Okay, may I see the comics?
Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game?
Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room.
Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? Hes the one who slept with someone else.
Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes, okay, when, when, at first youre really mad at that pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their hair grow.
Joey: I had the same dream!
Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.
Monica: (seeing her) Okay, lets go!! Lets hit the road!!
Monica: Lets get the show on it!
Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and its sooo close.
Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey, look, I found coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, lets skedaddle.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole gang is there, except for Ross and Rachel. Joey is trying to eat Chinese with chopsticks and fails miserably. Theres a knock on the door, and Chandler answers it to reveal Rachel]
[Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living room.]
Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!
Chandler: Look, Im telling you this is just like my parents divorce, which is when I started smoking in the first place.
[Theres a knock on the door.]
Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence mechanism. (answers the door and its Rachel again.)
Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her cabin for the weekend and go skiing. Huh? Im asking you first, right?!. I mean Im playing by the rules.
[Scene: Rosss, the gang, minus Rachel of course, is there. Chandler is forced to smoke by an open window.]
Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window.
Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachels sisters cabin. (Chandler goes back to the window to smoke again.)
Ross: So, for the whole weekend?
Ross: Yeah, thats okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for the first weekend Im alone by myself, y'know then I totally, totally understand.
Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, Im gonna stay. Cause the last time I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I just went around and around.
[Scene: In Phoebes Grandmothers cab, driving up to the cabin. Phoebes driving, Rachels sitting shotgun, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are in the back seat.]
Phoebe: What does the sign say?
Phoebe: No, the No Smoking sign. Theres no smoking in my Grandmothers cab.
Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom.
[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebes pulling in.]
[Both Chandler and Joey put their feet up against the glass, Monica doesnt and gets thrown up against the glass.]
[Joey gets out and sprints to the bathroom and Chandler follows with a cigarette in his hands.]
Phoebe: (to Rachel, whos staying in the cab.) Arent you gonna go?
Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is no tissue, no tuschy. (Phoebe laughs and gets out.) Well, if everybodys going. (She gets out and starts to close the door.)
Phoebe: No, y'know what dont close it (Rachel slams the door shut locking themselves out.) cause the... keys...are in there.
Chandler: (to Joey) My lighters in there! (points to the cab)
[Scene: The rest stop, the gang is still stuck, Chandler is kneeling at the rear bumper.]
Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipes not hot enough to light this!
Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of you guys give me the underwire from your bra!
Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs?
Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore has the biggest wire.
The Girls: No, not getting my bra!
Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call.
Phoebe: Okay, Monicas are the biggest.
Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.
[Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and throws it on the ground.]
Chandler: Okay, now lets decide who has the nicest ass.
Joey: (opening the door) And there you go!
[They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out a smoke.]
Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part.
[Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back out.]
Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh, no!
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for Susan as there is a knock on the door.]
Carol: (answering the door) Hi!
Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up, did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H and half the hostages coming home?
Carol: Ah yeah, but now its Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages coming home.
Ross: Ahh. (notices the table) Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time?
Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. Cause you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up.
Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. (he sits down at the table.)
[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to the motor club.]
Rachel: I dont know, Im sorry, I always slept in the back when we drove up here.
Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a car and come pick us up.
Monica: So the going for help went well?
Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and collapsed.
Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another cigarette.)
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Ross is eating the dinner Carol made for Susan.]
Ross: (looking at the page) 717? (to Carol) Wheres 717? (He gets up to return the page, Carol starts to take the last of the food into the kitchen, but Ross grabs the last piece.) Hey, youve have more of these for Susan right?
[Cut to the rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are waiting anxiously by the phone as it rings.]
Phoebe: (answering the phone) (whispering) Ross, thank God.
Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are only a penny. Lets stock up. (takes her into the bathroom)
Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone) Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my car, go pick up your friends.
Carol: Listen, we both know youre gonna do it cause youre not a jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and then go pick them up, or save us both time and sulk in the car.
Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you cause she fell in love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all of this, but dont punish your friends for what Rachel did to you.
Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! (grabs the phone) We were, we were..., (calms down) yeah. Where are you? Ill find you. (hangs up)
[Scene: The rest stop, Joey is making a sign.]
Monica: (reading the sign) Whats pleh?
Joey: Thats help spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read it from the air!
Ross: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course Im stepping on some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, Ive got plenty of people to help on the Interstate.
[Ross grabs the gas can he brought along, and walks through Joeys sign destroying it.]
Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys, what, what do we do about Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like send him back and were then gonna go skiing?
Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handles my middle name. Actually its the ah, middle part of my first name.
Ross: Hey-hey, its valid okay? And Im not the only one who thinks so, Monica agrees with me.
Monica: What I said was, was that I understood. Joeys the one who agreed with you!
Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I do. No-no-no-no.
Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an effort to stop the fighting.)
Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle.
Phoebe: Okay. Good, all right, lets get back in the car, cause its freezing, and my chest is unsupported.
Joey: Come on man, you drove all the way up here.
Ross: No, no, really, Ive got to take the car back anyway, Im spending all day tomorrow with Ben, Its fine, no guilt I promise.
Phoebe: Or, or the rodeo!!
Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.
[They all get in the cab and drive away.]
[Ross tries to start the truck, and discovers the batterys dead.]
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Carol is running to answer the door.]
Carol: (looking through the peephole) Ugh. (opening the door) Ross!
Ross: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a whole new battery. I got you the best one I could, cause thats not where you want to skimp.
Ross: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call it an even 110?
Carol: Okay, Ill pay you tomorrow. (pushes him out the door)
Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the door, turns out the lights, and runs back to the bedroom)
Ross: (outside the door) So Im gonna take off then!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Ross, and Chandler are watching Phoebe polish the daisies on her bike outside.]
(They move on the couch and start kissing again. Joey does his grazing on Rachel’s thigh and she slaps his hand)
Ross: I'm meeting with professor Sherman about my being the keynote speaker...
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Phoebe: Wow! Oh you can just imagine that this is where (Shes opening and closing the drawers) they kept all the stuff to make their potions.
Chandler: Yes, if the foxhole was lined with sandwiches.
(They kiss to the music of Auld Lang Syne)
MONICA: Well for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.
Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right?
Chandler: Definitely roses. (Monica and Rachel exchange a look.) Well, I just think theyre a little more weddingy. (Monica holds the Lily picture closer to him.) But Lilies are the clear choice.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?
CHANDLER: Why yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhikers face), a rapist or a killer or something!
Ross: I know! I know. You know what? Im putting Ruth back on the table!
Chandler: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date.
Chandler: Well, I didnt do anything. I didnt want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.
Joey: Hey, whats the horsepower on this thing?
[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]
Chandler: It's okay, the duck's using our bathroom anyway. (Kathy goes into the bathroom.) Hey Joe! What are you getting Kathy for her birthday?
Janice: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day.
Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girls good.
Ross: (To the still half asleep Professor) Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! (hugs him whilst still on his lap)
Ross: No they dont!!! (He runs to the bedroom to check and returns with his box of condoms.) Well they should put it in huge black letters!!!!
Ross: Then how did you get caught in the barbed wire?
Phoebe: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, (looks at the tree) oh, but oh...
Jack: And my cholesterol’s off the charts!
Mrs. Burkart: (in grief) Jack used to handle the finances! (Breaks into tears)
Ross: The first batch of margaritas was not so great, but the second batch is gooooood.
(The nurse comes out of Nana's room.)
(The oven dings.)
Joey: Oooh, the next parts the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub...
Monica: Oh God bless my dad sound proofing the basement!
MONICA: You're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't of said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'okay, let's do it.'
(He swings the pen hard, and it snaps back and almost hits him again.)
Phoebe: What's the matter with me? How do I keep ruining this? I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Monica: Yeah, I got this number from this guy at work and I hired a stripper to come dance for you. Am I going in the wife hall of fame or what?!
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Rachel: Gimme the keys!
RACHEL: [to Monica at the counter] Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special.
Monica: Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
CHANDLER: I, I'm sorry, I uh [unchains the door and opens it all the way] I already have a roommate. [Joey turns around in the leather recliner]
Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)
Monica: Oh my God! Let me see. (they all look at the pictures)
CHANDLER: Well, I'm, I'm sorry...[Eddie forces his head in the door] Ahhh. Have we met?
Air stewardess: (on the answering machine) I am afraid you are gonna have to take a seat.
{Transcribers Note: Tradition was broken here as there were no commercials immediately after the opening credits, just more show.}
Rachel: Ok! Can't believe I'm risking this again, but you're on! All right Joe, you remember the rules! Heads I win, tails you lose.
Rachel: Oh honey, I'll say good-bye to you at the car if you don't mind the puss.
Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.
Chandler: At least he died doing what he loved... watching blimps (he goes in the bedroom)
Rachel: Well, I havent seen him since that night that he told me how he yknow I dont know, I think hes avoiding me. Why is that bagel on the floor?
[Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.]
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date.]
Rachel: Op, but the twelfth brings a lovers spat.
Ross: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes Madeleines?
Phoebe: Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. (Monica gestures at Phoebe to shut up; Joey looks surprised but pleased) Looks like I was second to last.
Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if youre ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.]
[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play.]
[Scene: Cousin Frannies Wedding Reception, Ross and Monica are at the door and about to leave.]
The Producer: Ill let you two guys get acquainted, huh? (Walks away.)
Chandler: Well I would've been happy because I would've be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you would've seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.)
(He searches to his right; she searches to her left. They're both on their hands and knees when they spot the die. It's propped up against the table leg, and it's not lying flat. Both the four and the five are showing.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is drinking some Alka-Seltzer. The rest of the gang, minus Rachel is there as well.]
(They leave and Rachel locks the door.)
Monica: Oh because it doesnt really fit. Oh by the way, I-I booked the Swing Kings.
Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again!
Tag: Right. So I guess I shouldnt put good at noticing stuff on my resume. (Sets the plant down on her desk.)
Charlie: Actually the wet season is June to December.
Chandler: I know! It's.. It's the foosball table.
Laura: You know, I... I feel like I've been here before. Are any other couples in the building adopting?
JOEY: Shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm comin' to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinkin' what do I do, what do I do. . . so I just watch 'em have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, [Joey from TV] you know that's bad fo r the paper tray.
Ross: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!! (Rachel nods) Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my God!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, look, just don't freak out, but I kinda lost it. I know it's in the apartment, but I definitely lost it.
[Scene: Phoebe is in central-perk with Joey telling him what Ross said t her at the beginning.]
ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?
Ross: and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand its collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten its predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?
Joey: (sitting up from the couch) Hey Mon, do you have another pillow? (Holds up one.) Yknow, something a little snugglyer?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are sitting in their living room when the phone rings.]
Phoebe: All right, y'know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather, and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross, and Monica are eating breakfast.]
Ross: I can't believe I'm about to meet Benjamin Hobart. I've always thought of him as one of the people I'd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think there's any chance he'll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO?
Matt: I think I was supposed to say, "I dont know," and go over and open the door. And I went
The Director: Im sorry Joey, as long as hes here and hes conscious were still shooting.
CHANDLER: Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
Rachel: (on phone) Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat...(cut)...I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. (She hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket.)
Monica: Okay, I'm gonna go check on something across the hall. You start by washing these (she gives Chandler a bowl with cranberries. Then, while she's going outside, she sees him with a bottle of soap in his hands) Not with soap!! (she leaves)
Rachel: All right! (Throws them back under the cushion.)
Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...
[Scene: The Men's room, Joey is entering and sees his hand twin washing his hands.]
Ross: (breaking the hug) Ohh, I gotta go to the flower store! (Runs to the door.) Check it out, no one will tell me where Emily is, so I'm gonna send 72 long-stem, red roses to Emily's parent's house, one for each day that I've known and loved her. That oughta get her talking to me again.
Pete: Her names Ann, shes a journalist. Ahh, we met on the plane. She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I mean I got, I got tired of waiting.
Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?
Joey: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow...
(Rachel ignores him and follows Monica into the kitchen.)
(In the hallway, Ross all dejected, sits down on the step.)
Rachel: Well, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean thats a classic, whats so great about The Shining?
Monica: (walking around with her headset still on) OK LET'S GET THESE CHAIRS OUT HERE! Gunther, hit the Christmas lights. (He does so and the lights above the chairs light up. Monica looks satisfied) Okay, who left the ice sculpture (picks up a piece of ice from the ground) ON THE STEAM GRATE? (nobody answers)