words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone's sitting on the couch and Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: How was the honeymoon?
Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic!
Phoebe: Oh, he's at the doctor, he didn't poop the whole time we were there!
Monica: Yeah, you really shouldn't. (to Ross, sarcastically) By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
Monica: I'm making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.
Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman who's carrying my child"? (she's not amused) No? Divorce?
Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and she's never been to New York so she wants to see all the tourists' spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building...
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe's trying to teach Joey French, so she's sitting in front of him with the script in her hands.]
Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.
Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!
Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty.
Rachel: Oh! (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, drip and everything) Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?
Nurse: Miss Green, your father's doctor is on the phone if you'd like to speak to him.
(Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.)
Ross: Did the TV wake you?
Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Let's see if we can get that Rachel back here.
Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH!
[Scene: Green's mansion. Rachel's Room. Rachel's is combing her hair; Ross's coming into the room]
Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dad's fridge was bacon and heavy cream. (pause) I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack.
Rachel: (she's sad) Ow. I don't want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital!
Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldn't even know if you were there. Look, we'll go see him first thing in the morning, ok?
Rachel: Ok. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her) Thank you for coming with me today.
Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or...(There's one of those moments. They're staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! I'm sorry, I just don't think this, this, this is a good idea.
Rachel: Taking advantage? I'm giving you the advantage, enjoy!
Ross: I'll see you in the morning (he leaves).
Chandler: (enters the room wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, a "Statue of Liberty" hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!
Chandler: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?
Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. (Monica and Chandler are smiling from ear to ear)
Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?
Chandler: Of course I'm awake. Assume from now on that I'm always awake! (He turns the light on)
Monica: Alright, we don't know that it's him. I mean, it could be the football guy.
Chandler: Honey, it's us. Of course it's the shovel-killer.
Monica: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently?
Chandler: I'd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. He is sitting on the barcalounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.]
Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think I'm definitely gonna get the part.
Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!
[Scene: The hospital. Rachel is pouring her self a cup of coffee. Ross approaches from behind.]
Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself without looking at him)
Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it. (she smiles fakely at him)
Ross: (half amused) Wait, wait, (looks around a little) You're mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing.
Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if you'd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!
Ross: (acknowledging the last part of her sentence) Well...
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side)
Ross: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever.
Rachel: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasn't very good for me either. (She turns to leave and Ross over takes her and stands infront on her, his back to the row of doors leading to the hospital rooms)
Ross: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, let's just say, you and me, never having sex again.
Ross: That's right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachel's dad glares at him with a deadly look)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica and Erica enter, Chandler is in the kitchen.]
Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and his he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife)
Chandler: O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test?
Monica: Nope, she doesn't have to, I found out who the father is.
Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didn't pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... it'd be pretty hard to make a baby that way.
Chandler: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?
Monica: The thing we never do.
[Scene: The theatre where Joey is auditioning. Phoebe enters when Joey's on stage and she sits down. He hasn't seen her.]
Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginé Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder.
Phoebe: Écoutez, je vais vous dire la vérité. C'est mon petit frère. Il est un peu retardé. (Translation: Listen, I will tell you the truth. He's my little bother. He's a bit retarded.)
(The director looks at Joey and he nods.)
Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think we're gonna go with someone else for the part.
Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the kitchen counter and Ross enters from Rachel and Emma's room.]
Ross: Emma's down for the night.
Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and... it's probably not a great idea to go down that road again.
Rachel: Well, I guess that's all in the past, now.
Rachel: Just so you know... With us... it's never off the table. (she enters her room and closes the door.)
Ross: Damn it. It's never off the table. (he leaves the apartment)
Phoebe: It's off the resumé. (she strikes it through with a pencil)
Joey: All right, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready?
(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps "drinking" and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)
THE END
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]
Paolo: (something romantic in Italian about Rachel and the stars)
RICHARD: Uh, it's the college playoffs.
(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)
[Scene: Mrs. Verhoevens Apartment, Ross is back to inquire about the elder Verhoevens health or lack there of.]
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
Rachel: Okay, whos next?! (She looks around the room, and stops when she comes to Ross.)
Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.
(Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy sitting there.)
Joey's Doctor: Kidney stones! Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're to close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra
Chandler: Okay, heres the thing. Were gonna get you some coffee and they will never know that youre drunk.
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known.
LITTLE BULLY: Oh, look who's here, it's the weenies.
Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!
EDDIE: That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display.
[Scene: The next time at the movie set.]
Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.
Emily: I uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) Its a joke. (They all laugh.)
Ross: No! For all I know, shes trying to find me but couldnt because I kept moving around. No, from now on, Im staying in one place. (He sits down on the bed.) Right here.
Rachel: Monica, yknow what? The only reason I did that was because your party was so boring!
CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.
Rachel: No, I think that was the whole all.
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
Monica: When you were reading the dirty magazines without taking off the plastic!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
JOEY: Hey Monica, why are we watchin' the business channel?
Phoebe: Okay. (To the jeweler) Listen, Im sorry about before. Do you have anything her for $10.
Joey: This is where I keep the pizza. (Its the same location as before.) AndHey! Where did the napkin go?! (The napkin is not in its spot.)
Monica: Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (Reads the back) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's'.
(Joey picks up a hammer and a crowbar and gets ready to destroy the table.)
Joey: Was she happy you gave her the job?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She and David are still kissing each other in the living room.]
RACHEL: Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
Joey: All right look man, I didnt want to bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! Its not even a name; its barely even a word. Okay? Its kinda like chandelier, but its not! All right? Its a stupid, stupid non-name!
Joey: No room? Its a baby. Its like this big. (Holds his hands about a foot apart.) Yknow, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.) Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, its cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldnt even notice it. Wheres the baby? (Mumbles that its over in the corner.)
Joey: Theres the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?
Ross: (outside the door) So Im gonna take off then!
[Scene: The museum, Joey is giving a tour to a bunch of school kids.]
Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is on the couch as Monica enters.]
Chandler: And Im the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on dont be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!
Phoebe: (singing) Food here at 'Javu'..will kill you..the food here at 'Javu' ...will kill you..
Rachel: Well I just came...(She touches him near his heart. Shes almost in tears.) I just needed to tell you...(Looking into his eyes. She takes a deep breath.) Congratulations. (He hugs her. She can barely hold back the tears.)
Chandler: it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)
Monica: (comes running out the kitchen to the bedroom) Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it!
Chandler: Yes! See you and I have always been like(motions that they think the same.)
Monica: I know it is the best.
Monica: (turns his back to the stairs) Oh, it's a great party! Great food. Y'know, most parties it's all chips and salsa, chips and salsa. (As she's saying this Rachel tries to head downstairs but is blocked by people coming upstairs. She quickly retreats back up the stairs.) (Sees that she has to keep him distracted longer.) So umm, what's this? (Points to his plate.)
Ross: Well I'm sorry but you were! Okay? And besides if anyone should be hitting on her it's the guy who's single, the guy that who-who-who can do something about it.
Ross: I don't know, but I.. Look, even if she shoots me down, at least I won't spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened. Where - where is my coat?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Chandler are on the couch.]
Joey: I feel so stupid, you know? Why... why do I keep going after the wrong girls?
RYAN: Give me the dice.
Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony.
Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the curtain shut in horror)
Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves)
[Later, Phoebe is on the phone, theyre all still trapped in Monicas bedroom.]
Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head... Don and Janet.
Chandler: Im sorry! Hey-hey Joe, why dont you uh, lift up your shirt? (He does.) Take a look at this kiddo. (Alex finally starts crying.) We have a crying child! Roll the damn cameras!
Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?
CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds.
Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) Its winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
RYAN: You're scratching. Give me the dice.
Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
MONICA: Your boyfriend has been in there for over an hour. I can't believe it, it's like I'm living with him again. He's here when I go to sleep, he's here when I wake up, he's here when I want to use the shower, ughh. It's like I'm sixteen all over again .
Chandler: Thats right, I can throw her off. I can make her think marriage is the last thing on my mind.
PHOEBE: OK. [singing] Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat [back up singers - smelly, smelly, smelly, really bad smelly cat, it's not your fault] OK, sorry. I'm just, I'm just not getting that everyone um, gets how smelly this cat acually is. I just think that maybe if we could talk about this, 'cause I need to feel that you really care about the cat.
(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susans lap like all the other fathers.)
Monica: No, no, no, I don't make chocolate pies. When I was younger I-I enter in this pie-eating contest. I ate so many that just the thought of them made me sick.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and there is knock on the door which she answers.]
Rachel: Why? Honey, what is the big deal?
JOEY: I fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?
RACHEL: Ok, so uh, who wants the last hamburger?
Joey: You may not kiss the bride. So, I guess by the powers vested in my by the state of New York and the Internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Oh wait! Do you take each other?
Rachel: (makes some unintelligible sound to stop her from leaving) Obviously you know how to haggle, so I'm not gonna try and take you on. Okay? So $800 and I don't call the cops because you're robbing me blind! Blind! (Covers her eyes) Just take cat, leave the money, and run away! Run away! (Uncovers her eyes and sees that the woman has fled) Damnit! (To the cat) Cat, can't you at least smile or something?! (The cat hisses at her again, it sounds like Rachel) Okay, did anybody just hear that? Anybody?
Gunther: Well, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty.
Monica: (to the lobster) Lucky bastard! (Throws the lobster in and turns around to face the planets most annoying woman, next to Dr. Laura and Kathy Lee Gifford of course. Shes the most annoying female TV character however.) Janice.
PHOEBE: Ok, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Mona: Okay, I guess you can close the door now. (He does so and they kiss.)
Rachel: But ah, youre safe from it if its in the freezer?
MONICA: Then what's the problem?
Rachel: (looking at the bulletin board with baby pictures) So, which of these babies do you think is the ugliest?
CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]
(He closes the door. Rachel's not happy with that and knocks again. He opens the door.)
Rachel: Oh, ju-ju-just stay calm. Just be calm. For all he knows we're just hanging out together. Right? Just be nonchalant. (Joey like stands at attention with his chest forward and his hands on his sides, looking up at the ceiling with his lips pouted.) That's not nonchalant!
JOEY: Thank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am. . .
Chandler: Well, youre not suggesting that we spend all of the money on the wedding?
[Scene: The Western front during World War I, Phoebe, in yet another past life, is once again a nurse tending to yet another dying soldier. But this time she's doing it with a French accent.]
RACHEL: Ross, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.
Chandler: (slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.
(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.]
(He now turns to the other side, which also starts spraying his face and front.)
PHOE: OK. [reading] The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction...
Rachel: I didnt uh, really have time to read this part of the books, but do you think we have time to
Monica: Ross, your little creatures got the remote again.
(Cut to Chandler and a woman, Andrea, reaching for the same slice of meat)
Phoebe: I dont know, it would totally depend on her coloring and (realizes) You got the job!!
David: -make the decision-