words in movies
[Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get married.]
(Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!)
(They storm out into the street.)
(She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.)
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the chapel.)
(Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.)
Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the chapel!
Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldnt have had you (turns to the attendant) run in the chapel!
Phoebe: Whats the big deal, yknow? Its not like its a real marriage.
{Transcibers note: In case you havent heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For theyre all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are }
Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.)
Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.)
[Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters.]
Joey: I dont want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Ohooh! How about you come with me?
Joey: Where is the waitress?! Im starving!
Joey: Oh, heres where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.)
Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if shes anything like me, shes just gonna be relieved.
[Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.]
The Girls: Hey!
Rachel: (To Ross) I dont know. (To the gang.) What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night.
Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this ones free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third ones free.
Ross: Laugh it up, but the jokes on you. Because we dont need to get divorced, okay? We were just gonna get an annulment.
Joey: An annulment? Ross! I dont think surgerys the answer here.
Phoebe: Youre thing. Youre thing. Yknow? Youre the guy who gets divorced.
[Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.]
Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you.
Monica: Thats a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you!
Chandler: Yes, we dont get married unless theres a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then theres a definite sign that we should get married.
Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.)
(Monica rolls the dice.)
Chandler: Thats right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit!
Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) Were doing the right thing, right?
Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each others hands.)
Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! Weve been on the road six hours and youve been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper!
Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radios broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice.
[Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the cars still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.]
Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! Its right next to it!
Rachel: Ohh, okay, Im sorry. Youre right. Yknow what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what youre asking of me.
{Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put them down before you stink out the person next to you.}
[Scene: The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica to the door.]
Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane.
Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.)
[Scene: Phoebes cab, shes driving, Joeys in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.]
Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhikers face), a rapist or a killer or something!
Phoebe: Yknow what? Im not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And you, are you a rapist?!
Hitchhiker: Yeah, yknow the license plate game?
Phoebe: I love the license plate game!
Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! (She closes the partition.)
Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents!
Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married.
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage!! This is the worlds worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will!
[Scene: Phoebes cab, its the same arrangement as before.]
Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train station!
Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that youre a drifter, so the balls pretty much in your court.
Joey: That is incredible! You are the master!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.]
Rachel: Huh, thats funny. You look like youre gonna be the
Chandler: All right, should we just, should we just get married? Yknow? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it.
Monica: Im sick of the signs! Its too fast, Im happy the way things are!
Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because its been three days and its driving me insane!
Monica: Then youd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesnt make any sense.
(And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.)
Chandler: The door hasnt been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?!
Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I cant get in!
Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch as Ross enters.]
Rachel: Hey, so did everything go all right with the annulment?
Ross: I didnt get the annulment.
[Scene: The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs and sees Chandler trying to open the lock.]
Chandler: The keys stuck in the lock.
Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a screwdriver from his apartment) Look out. Look out. (Pries at the door a little bit.)
Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesnt work.
(Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the door, and knocks it down off its hinges.)
Chandler: Nice job Joe! Youre quite the craftsmen.
(Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to bed.)
RACHEL: Oh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica have gathered to hear Ross perform his interpretation of Celebration by Cool and the Gang on the bag pipe.]
Joey: Well, anyway, I got to go change, Im ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks.
Chandler: You're not actually supposed to stop on the bridge.
[Rachel brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica who are sitting on the couch.]
Chandler: Yes! And thats why Im under the table. Celebrating.
Rachel: I made the mistake of telling him that I was pregnant.
Chandler: (to Monica) Here, pass these, will ya.. (points to the others)
Monica: Okay, while were waiting for these pills to kick in, Im gonna sit you down on the couch. Come on. (Phoebe gets up and goes with her.) Get some nice soft pillows under your head, Im gonna turn the TV on and you can watch whatever you want. And ImSit down(She sits down on the couch)gonna make you some tea. And then, Im gonna rub your feet.
Ross: Just then or-or all the time, cause we-we have jobs yknow.
Chandler: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but... (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same "I'm gonna kill you" look...? I can usually make it go away by kissing her... (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he's going to kiss Ross)
Ross: (in his head) All right, keep going. We are phasing the accent out, phasing it out. So without out re-testing the results in the laboratory (pronounced the British way) the team would never have identified (British) the initial errors in their carbon dating analysis (British). Were there any questions at this point? (One student raises his hand.) Yes. (Points to him.)
RTST: But, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.
Phoebe: Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru?
Emily: Oh. Oh. (She starts running towards the building.)
Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Ben are sitting on the couch bored out of their minds.]
ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
Ross: Yeah. The bartender said that they split up into two search parties, the herbivores and the carnivores. (pause) You know, we as a group are not the coolest.
Joey: Of course it does! It’s smart! I used the the-saurus!
Richard: on the rocks with a twist? I remember. (Goes to make her drink.)
Ross: (to Rachel) Haha! Looks like you're not going to be in the wedding either. (Looks at Phoebe) So sorry Pheebs.
(Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock)
Monica: Yeah! (They turn to the camera, and Chandler does The Face again.) All right, maybe you dont have to smile. Lets try something else. Lets try umm, try looking sexy.
Chandler: (yelling from the changing room) All right! I found one that fits!
Rachel: Well, yknow I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Judy: (to Monica) I remember your first birthday! Ross was jealous of all the attention we were giving you. He pulled on his testicles so hard! We had to take him to the emergency room! Ross: (pointing the camcorder at himself) There's something you didn't know about your dad!
Monica: Daddy! I dont think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex.
Ross: (grabbing back his coffee) If the place you are referring too is being in love, then she is in the same place as me because I am not in that place!
Joey: Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was just joking. She was pretty nice about that.
WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.
Ross: No, its not just cause Im jealous. (Both Monica and Chandler give him a Come on look) I mean Im not, Im not, Im not jealous, okay? Its Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.
(As he walks past both Chandler and Ross notice the bag and stare at each other in shock.)
Kate: Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Phoebe is eating breakfast with Monica while Frank is playing with num-chucks on the balcony]
MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough.
Ross: Oh wait-wait-wait! The message is blinking. Maybe you didn't erase it.
(Phoebe knocks on the door with the wine and Chandler answers it. Rachel hides next to the door.)
Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person.
Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy.
[Scene: The Semi-Private Labor Room, Evil Bitch and Sick Bastard are gone and Ross has just finished talking to a nurse as Rachel stands and stretches.]
Phoebe: No, Im-Im not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with "The."
Monica: Oh, about five minutes. Right now theyre interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.
(They both laugh as Ross heads back to the bathroom.)
Steve: Oh look, you don't have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door. (Points to his apartment across the hall.)
Gavin: Yeah, hey. (comes in to the balcony)
Ross: The physical act of love. (Hisses at her.)
Ross: I dont know, I told her it was stupid to put off the wedding just because the hall was gone and she liked flipped out.
[Scene: The Porsche, they have pulled over and are awaiting the cop to come talk to them.]
Tag: Oh, Im sorry. (He bends over to pick the stuff up.)
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around the kitchen table. Rachel's credit cards are spread out on the table along with a pair of scissors.]
Phoebe: (on phone) 'Annie! Hi. Listen we got a problem with Joey Tribbiani, apparently he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. No. All right, so your husband leaves and burns down the apartment, the world does not stop.'
(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.)
Phoebe: Well, I snapped! Okay? You weren't taking the class seriously.
Rachel: Okay, but if it only happened that one time, how come we found your underwear in our apartment the other day?
Mike: Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps.
[Scene: The hallway between the bedrooms. Ross is coming upstairs and stops between two doors. He looks at the one on the right, then he looks at the one on his left, thinks about it, and goes in the one on his right.]
Joey: Great! Thanks! Youre gonna love her so much. AndOh, shes the smartest of all the Tribbiani children. Hey, yknow the S.A.Ts?
Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch nervously.]
Chandler: Ah! The high road...
(Rachel decides not to confront them and starts to walk out, knocking over a lamp in the process.)
Ross: No. When he called, I...I threw the message away.
Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?
Rachel: Hey! Y'know what? You are in our apartment all the time! Okay? This is, this is just a drop in the bucket mister!
Chandler: Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money.
Rachel: What? What's the matter?
Phoebe: Yeah. Oh! It'll be like I have a wife in the fifties!
Phoebe: All right, there are no questions in the happy place. Okay, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the trees....
CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.
(Chandler goes out into the hall and lights up a cigarette.)
ROSS: Rachel, lock the door.� Lock the door,� seriously.
Chandler: She's smart and funny, y'know? We were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about--what?
Joey: No! No, you smell like a meadow. (Pause.) I'm sorry. (Runs to the bathroom.)
Rachel: Ohhh well. Yknow what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! Hes a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
Phoebe: All the time when you're cooking.
Monica: All right, you just make sure that Chandler catches the ball, Ill take care of the rest.
Monica: You ordered a stripper for the shower?! That is totally inappropriate!
<Monica and Amy turn away and walk into the living room towards the secret closet>
Joey: What the hell am I supposed to do!
(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)
Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasnt finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But dont worry! Were gonna go down the fire escape!!
Phoebe: Yes, she gives the people what they want.
Richard: No, we still have food in the basement! I saw potatoes and some dry pasta!
Monica: I swear I didnt. (To Ross and Will) Hey! Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom and lock the door?
Monica: Probably the only time I'll ever say this, but did you see the ass on her?
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Joey is trying to write his movie, Chandler is playing a game on the counter by trying to flip a ping pong ball with a spoon into a nearby bowl.]
Monica: What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the sofa]
Phoebe: Okay, oh and you know, if she gets upset, just scratch her tummy and give her a liver snout. (laughs and hangs up the phone)
Ross: What about the guy from the bar?
Chandler: You mean the lully story?
Joey: (entering from the elevator caring gifts for the kids) Hey, you guys! Look what I found in the giiiiiiift shop. (He doubles over in pain in front an old man in a wheel chair.) Get up! Get up! Get up! (The old man waves him away.)
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]
Rachel: I loved the moment when you first saw the giant dog shadow all over the park.
Chandler: No-no-no-no, the games not over, were just switching teams.
Amanda: Okay, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please help yourself to anything in the fridge.
Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.)
Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs the cereal box)