words in movies
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasnt he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadnt realized she was a lesbian.
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I cant. I keep seeing it the good way.
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Chandler: What if I had had the guts to quit my job? Id probably be writing for the New Yorker, getting paid to be funny. But my jobs fun too! I mean tomorrow, I-I dont have to wear a tie.
Rachel: Well why didnt you take the job?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: Is-isnt it the best?
Rachel: Oh wait, dont you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Ross: No, its okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I dont
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I dont need any assistance in there, take a break!
Rachel: (giggles and cant look at him) Hi!
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didnt just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Phoebe: What am I gonna do?! What am I gonna do?! I cant call my office theyll kill me! I cant call my clients theyll kill themselves! Great, now my chest hearts.
Phoebe: (louder) My chest hurts! Oh, and now I-I cant breathe.
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: Most people dont like their jobs, I love my job! I have not been working for three hours and Im already going crazy. I miss Joan.
Phoebe: I dont know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "Im with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "Im lost and I cant find food."
Rachel: (laughs) Wow! Umm, yknow, I-I would really love to, but I-I shouldnt.
Joey: Why? (In Drakes voice.) Why cant the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Rachel: (awestruck, then not) Isnt that a line from the show?!
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why dont we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why dont you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life I was thinking, maybe I dont know, we could try some-some new things. Yknow? For fun?
Ross: Well I dont know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carols shocked and obviously doesnt like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesnt like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, yknow we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Chandler: Oh you wouldnt uh, care. Its just a stupid comic book story.
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Monica: Say it louder, I dont think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she cant come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Ross: She doesnt know she was fired yet, does she?
Phoebe: I know! But if I didnt work there, what else would I do?
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Joey: Yeah, lifes pretty great isnt it?
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Dr. Roger: Ohh! Didnt know! Okay!
Monica: I cant promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
Susan: Oh, I wouldnt miss it for the world.
Chandler: Well, I could make it seem like hes here. (Imitates him.) "Heres some little known facts about cous-cous. They didnt add the second cous until 1979." (Mumbles something further.)
Monica: You dont want to know what tonight was.
Rachel: Wow! I cant, I cant feel my hands.
Chandler: We cant do this.
Chandler: Yeah! (Takes it.) If-if-if we did do this there would be a lot of pressure on me, yknow? Because youve been waiting a very long time and I wouldnt want to disappoint you.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Rachel: Noo! Oh God we didwe didnt, we didnt uhh
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Ross: Look, its just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I werent here?"
Joey: Yeah, you dont want that.
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Chandler: Oh yeah! Yeah! Dont worry about me, Ill be fine! (Does a kara-tay move.)
Arthur: (To another coworker) Call security. (To Phoebe) Pheebs, didnt you get fired?
Phoebe: Uh, I dont think so!
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Jack: Uh, Phoebe you-you dont have an office.
Ross: Didnt you spend last night at Joeys?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Rachel: Oh. (Doesnt believe it.)
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Rachel: Im sorry your wife is gay. I guess women arent that great either.
Chandler: Because you shouldnt be with him. (Pause.) You should be with me.
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Chandler: I know you probably dont want to go out with me, yknow because I make too many jokes and Ive never been in a serious relationship and I guess Im not technically a "doctor "
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt there?
It only takes two heart attacks to finally make you see One of them wont do it, but the second one will set you free Tell all your hate and anger, its time to say good-bye And that is just what I will do, soon as those bastards I work for die! La, la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Joey: All right thats it! Youre yelling and I dont see you taking your top off! I quit!
Joey: My beers?! Look you guys, shes a very nice girl. Okay? We had a good time, but I justI dont see it going anywhere.
Monica: Well, theyre just gonna have to wait arent they? Ive only got two hands!!
Monica: Okay. (Opens the fridge.) All right, turkey. Eh, that wont work. Cheese? (Picks it up) That wont work. Olive loaf? (Picks it up) I hope that wont work.
Dr. Schiff: Uh, I dont have a wife or girlfriend, but I do like to ski.
Joey: Now that youre a couple, we dont get two presents from you guys?
Phoebe: I cant believe you didnt tell me there was a suicide note!
Boy in the Cape: You cant tell me to shut up!
Monica: Yknow, lets face it, Im not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I dont want that!
Ross: Oh, come on, every first time mother feels that way. Youllyoure gonna pick it up. (Rachel doesnt believe that.) Hey! You will! Uh look, yknow when you first came to the city? You were this spoiled helpless little girl who-who still used daddys credit card. Do you remember?
Ross: Oh, no-no-no dont you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!
(The waitress lets her in as Monica is about to throw a lobster into a pot of boiling water (Although, she hasnt taken off the rubber bands that hold the claws, so she cant be that good of a chef). Anyway, guess who the Colonel is by the following phrase.)
The Fireman: The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in a trash chute, dont wrap it in a blanket that says, "Property of Phoebe Buffay not Monica."
Chandler: No, no, no, I dont, I dont really wanna play.
Rachel: Well, maybe you didnt want it to end?
Joey: Well, not that its any of your business, but, no, we havent, okay?
Monica: (throwing up the last present) I dont know how any of these got opened?!
Chandler: Oh hey. Id shake your hand but uh; Im really into the game. Plus, I think itd be better for my ego if we didnt stand right next to each other.
Rachel: I do. I really do. I dont know anything.
Monica: No-no, I-I really dont want to talk about it! I dont! (To Rachel) Especially with you. (Goes into her room.)
Kate: Im soo glad I caught you, I couldnt find you before.
Mona: Ohh! (Hugs him.) And I love spending time with you. (Ross isnt happy.)
Rachel: Yeah honey you dont believe her do you?
Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial dont seem to think its that bad.
Rachel: Okay Bobby, why dont we just come over here and let them have a little moment. (Drags Bobby away from Joey and Dina.)
Rachel: Ross youre not listening to me, I dont have time to stop.
Chandler: You cant leave! I have your shoe!
Joey: Oh, thats, uh, thats Phoebes friends dog. I dont know what his real name is, but I call him Mozzarella.
Phoebe: Oooh look! Isnt this adorable, Ross let Ben address mine!
Joey: No! You dont want to wreck it, you dont want to go to fast!
Monica: Thats right. Thats right. And that is why you cant stay here tonight. And probably why you shouldnt come to the wedding.
Emily: Dont do this to me, again. Youd know Id stay here in a minute, but Id really miss so much work, theyll fire me.
Phoebe: Oh no, I dont believe in Western medicine. No, if you just apply pressure to these points right here. (Shes pinching the bit of skin between her right thumb and forefinger with her left hand.) Then your hand starts to hurt and you still have a headache, so thanks. (Takes the pills.)
Rachel: Oh my God! I can not believe that! I mean I dont really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister isnt that like incest or something?! Oh my God, and theyre gonna have sex! Oh! Oh no what if he marries her too?! Oh this is just terrible, this is just terrible. And I cant stop it! I cantI dont own Ross! Yknow? And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is that she wants to do! And oh my God, I cant believe Ross is marrying my little sister, this terrible. Oh my God, this is just the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.
Rachel: But yknow umm, Rachel doesnt rhyme with draddle.
Rachel: Oh, and then, we got into this big, stupid fight. I just, it was awful. I told him he treats me like a park ranger, or something, oh and then I told him I wanted to take a break, I dont want to take a break.
Rachel: Oh sorry didnt mean to interrupt. Its just such a beautiful space; do you do a lot of weddings here?
Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We dont want her to come back to bad cheesecake.
Joey: I dont know! (All excited) I havent totally decided how to talk on my boat yet.
Ross: (laughs) You dont-you dont want to hear about my dream Officer Pretty?
Alice: Absolutely. Okay, first well start with a little club soda and salt, and then if that doesnt work we can go back to
Rachel: Dont just say yes! This isnt a game, Joey you can really get hurt out here. Okay, so do you want to pay attention or do you want to die?!
Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldnt take the chairs!!
Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but cant.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)
Rachel: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I'm not saying that you shouldnt have a bag, I justit's just there are other bags that are a little less umm, (Pause) controversial.
Monica: Cause I dont want to encourage this kind of behaviour.
Joey: All right, dont waste it, I mean its still food. (He picks it up and eats it.)
Chandler: Well, you still havent taken down the Christmas lights.
Chandler: Richard was there so I couldnt do it!
Chandler: It feels like we’re cheating on our house. And if we’re gonna cheat, shouldn’t it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won’t do?
Rachel: Oh well actually gonna use a nanny and uh, I dont even have a housekeeper.
Monica: Well, are you asleep right now, Joe? Cause I dont think you have to wear it unless you are!
Ross: If like the four of us could all yknow, hang out together. Uh, in fact Emilys coming into town this weekend, why dont you say we all have dinner? Say, Sunday night?
Rachel: Oh god what am I gonna do you guys, I cant even comfort my own baby! Im the worst mother ever!
Joey: Yeah, but I dont wanna die!
Ross: (gets up) All right. Y'know what? We dont have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we'll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.
Rachel: Now wait a minute thats not fair. He was married to me a hell of a lot longer than he was married to Emily, he just didnt tell me. (Everyone looks at her, Ross not happily.) Maybe I have to pee again. (Gets up to try to use the bathroom.)
Phoebe: I dont know, it would totally depend on her coloring and (realizes) You got the job!!
Ross: Oh yeah! Then how come you didnt get the Geller Cup?
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, theres one more thing. Uhh, uh its really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how shes never seen a naked man who wasnt Jewish. So (Laughs.)
Ross: Well if it doesnt matter to her, it doesnt matter to me! (to Paul) Still not yelling!
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didnt need to come down here today.
Monica: Anyway, were really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon well be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her parents dont.) What?
Rachel: Well-well, I dont know Rossreally?
Kim: You didnt cancel the fabric order from Taiwan?
Mark: Ive kinda of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with Ross, I-I didnt do anything about it. But, now that youre not, Id really like to ask you out sometime. So-so thats-thats what Im doing, now.
Joey: No, I didnt!
Rachel: No you dont know why!
Phoebe: Boy! I didnt see that coming!
Joey: You cant do anything!
Joey: Y'know what, I dont think we should listen to this anymore. (Goes to open the door)
Joey: Okay look Rach, I know this is a lot. You dont have to say anything. You-you uh, you take as much time as you need. (Long pause as Rachel says nothing.) Okay, you gotta say something!
Rachel: Oh no, I know I couldnt see it either at first, but its right umm (Starts to cry) Ross, I lost it again.
Monica: You! Its not like its a big deal! You-you dont still do it or anything!
Chandler: They dont really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free white out though.
Rachel: You dont even have cats.
Monica: Heres Frannie. Hmm, wont she be happy to see me? (Starts to get up and great Frannie.)
Phoebe: I dont know! (frantically points at Monica)
Monica: And-and-and if I die, from a long illness. And youre writing out my eulogy and you open a desk drawer and you find a note from me that says, "I will always be with you," and you still cant shed one tiny tear, I know youll be crying a river inside.
Chandler: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one cant get mad.
Monica: Dad, please dont pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if youre gonna put your feet up, why dont you sit on the-
Joey: No room? Its a baby. Its like this big. (Holds his hands about a foot apart.) Yknow, I mean you-you could you could put it over here. (A desk.) Or-or-or we could put it right here. (The chair.) Aw, its cute, right? Or-or we could put it over here. (By the bathroom door.) You wouldnt even notice it. Wheres the baby? (Mumbles that its over in the corner.)
Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I cant believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I cant believe that you would have a tux thats thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Gellers shoulder.)
Phoebe: Well, if you dont want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.
Janice: I should just go on to happier things, okay? Umm, why dont you tell about your lovely wedding?
Janice: Well umm, I thought I was going to go back to my apartment but then I just felt I couldnt really be alone tonight. (Joey walks into view of the open door behind Janice, sees her, gets a terrified look on his face, and flees in horror.) I was wondering if I could maybe stay here with you, just I really feel that I need to be with family.
Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I dont want to take a break.
Joey: You cant just ignore the bet! Its a bet! You bet and you bet and if you lose, you lose the bet!
Chandler: You dont have to stop having fun just because Im here. Kathy didnt cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)
Joey: (simultaneously) Oh my God!!! I cant believe that!!
Ross: What?! Hello! We didnt get married.
Ross: (sarcastic) Oh! Oh-oh, the bands ready! Well, I-I-we gotta do what the band saysI dont care about the stupid band!!
Mark: Hi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message, isnt tonight your, your big anniversary dinner?
Monica: I swear I didnt know she was a hooker! I mean whDid you let her smoke in here?
Ross: I just didnt see the fast song coming.
Joey: Come on baby, dont go. Please? What do you say?
Rachel: He didnt turn me down! Hes at the game isnt he? I got the date, Im just not on it!
Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Yknow, I probably wouldnt have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.)
Joey: (entering) Hey! You guys! Remember that audition I had a while ago and didnt get the part?
Rachel: No, so I dont have to get married until Im 33! Thats three years, thats three whole yearsOh, wait a minute though. Ill need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and Id like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged Which means I need to meet the guy by the time Im thirty.