words in movies
[Scene: N.Y.U, Ross is giving a lecture.]
Ross: and it was Ernst Muhlbrat who first hypothesized that the Velociraptor would expand its collar and emit a high pitched noise to frighten its predator. (A student raises his hand.) Yes Mr. Lewis?
Ross: Just a high pitched intimidating noise.
Ross: Well we-we dont know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high pitched noise and Alan doesnt know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Okay, thats uh, thats all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?
Ross: Mr. Morse I need to talk to you about your mid-term exam, Im afraid I-I had to fail you.
Ross: Well you need 60% to pass
Ross: Seven.
Ross: No-no its not. What-what happened there Ned?
Ross: Well Im sorry but, that-thats really not my problem.
Ross: Well that brings me in the loop a little.
Ross: Okay! (Walks away from him.) Umm, I uh, Im your teacher. Im sorry, youre-youre a student and I-and I like women. In spite of what may be written on the backs of some of these chairs.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Ross is helping Joey with his tie.]
Ross: Can I ask you something? Have you ever had a guy have a crush on you?
Ross: Theres this kid in my class who said hes in love with me.
Joey: Ross has a boyfriend.
Ross: I do-I do not have a boyfriend. Theres a guy in one of my classes who-who has a crush on me.
Ross: Yeah! I dont know. I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it?! Am I giving out some kind of sexy professor vibe? (Rachel and Joey both look at him.)
Ross: It-itThe point is my natural charisma has made him fail his midterm.
Ross: Yeah. I guess I can cut him some slack.
Joey: (To Ross) Problem solved.
Joey: (angrily and monotone) Any one of the brilliant actresses nominated for this award tonight deserves to take it home. Unfortunately only one can. (Shakes his head in disgust.) The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are from Passions Erin Goff. (There is applause, which Joey disgustedly waits to dye out.) From One Life to Live Mary Loren Bishop (They start to applaud again, but Joey interrupts in with the rest of the nominees), from All My Children Sarah Mchann, and from Days of Our Lives Jessica Ashley. And the winner is (Opens the envelope) Jessica Ashley from Days of Our Lives. (Applause) Uh, unfortunately Jessica couldnt be with us tonight so Ill be accepting this award on her behalf. (Realizes something) And Im sure that Jessica would like to thank my parents who always believed in me. Shed also like to thank my friends, Chandler, Monica, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel whos sittin right there! (Points at Rachel.) (The music starts and his microphone is turned off, this angers Joey again and he disgustedly exits.)
[Scene: Rosss Classroom, he is writing on the board and Alan is coming in to see him.]
Ross: (turning towards him) Yes Mr. Lewis, how can I help you?
Ross: And why exactly would I do that? (Goes back to writing on the board.)
Ross: (turning around and dragging the chalk down the board) What?!
Ross: No!
Ross: Well thats different! Okay? Because he, he was actually in love with me!
Ross: What?
Ross: I cant believe someone would do that for a grade.
(Ross glares at him.)
[Scene: Rosss classroom, he has just finished his lecture and the students are filing out.]
Ross: Uh Mr. Morse, can I speak to you for a moment?
Ross: Uh-hmm, yeah-yeah do you like it? Do-do you looove it? I just want you to know that Im changing your grade back.
Ross: Cause I know what youre trying to pull here. Okay? Its not gonna work.
Ross: Yknow what? I-Im not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay(Ned looks shocked)Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You dont love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, Ill be right with you. (To Ned) Dont make this worse and Ill give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.)
ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!
Ross: Yeah! Yeah! OK! Sure! Look! Can we...can we talk about what happened here last night?
Ross: Why...Why should I? I mean if she wants to move on, that's fine!
Ross: (not getting it) Yeah! Yeah! Rachel picked it out for me. She told me to trust her and you know what? I'm glad I did! I turned quite a few heads on my way over here.
(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.)
[Scene: The hallway between the bedrooms. Ross is coming upstairs and stops between two doors. He looks at the one on the right, then he looks at the one on his left, thinks about it, and goes in the one on his right.]
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Oh really?! You think youre stronger? Why dont you prove it? (He pushes Ross who starts to fall backwards until Mona catches him.)
Guy: (To Rachel) So uh, I'm on my way back to the bathroom. (Ross giggles.)
[Scene: The ticket-counter. Ross and Phoebe have their tickets and start looking at the screens in order to find the gate.]
Ross: Don't you have to be at work?
Ross: No. When he called, I...I threw the message away.
Gavin: What's Ross doing to you on that picture?
ROSS: All right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and dammit I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).
Rachel: I thought it was Ross.
(Ross finds a clock, sees its almost 8:30, and silently screams.)
(Ross stands next to him for a second, then goes and watches the movie.)
ROSS: Rachel, lock the door.� Lock the door,� seriously.
Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma.
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didnt break the porch swing, Monica did!
Gavin: I think you should talk to Ross about all this.
Chandler: Yes I'm gonna put it back (Mocking Ross) exactly where I found it.
Ross: No, its Its not that. Umm, now what Im going to say to you, Im not saying as your friend. Okay? Im-Im saying as it as Monicas older brother.
Ross: I know! (he stands)
Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.
Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OKif you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.
Ross: (seeing Phoebe still with cat) You didnt tell her?! (They all kinda shy away.) Okay, fine! Pheebs?
Will: Oh, Ill-Ill be fine. Just God I hate her Ross! I hate her!
Ross: But, what�s great is that you don�t mind talking about it.
Ross: Uh-ah!
(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)
(Ross notices that Paolo is standing on a step, which makes him taller. Ross gets up on the same step so he can look down at Paolo.)
Ross: Oh, yeah, hello, well, now, here I am.
Ross: Okay, forward. ForwardStop! (The car moves an inch and Ross runs to the back of the car.) Okay, backStop! (The car barely moves and Ross runs back to the front.) Okay, forwardStop! Stop! Stop!
Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah that�s Michelle.
Ross: Oh, just this woman I�ve been seeing.
Ross: Through the magic of sight! I was here, putting our child to sleep...
Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasnt finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But dont worry! Were gonna go down the fire escape!!
Ross: I told you about my daughter.
Ross: We�ll see.
[Scene: Ross�]
Ross: Are you kidding?
ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I use exactly what the gel bottle says, an amount about the size of a pea. How, how can that be too much?
Michelle: Ross, you didn�t tell me you were a doctor!
Ross: Ok.
Ross: Oh, great. It's starting to rain, that will make it easy to get a cab.
Ross: Oh, really!
Ross: (knowing she's not alright) O-kay. Well, I'm gonna go grab us some breakfast. (He starts to leave)
Ross: Oh, really!
Ross: I am the guy who�s taking care of our baby while you�re out at bars meeting guys!
Ross: What?
Ross: The guy you gave your number to.
Ross: What about the guy from the bar?
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: I don�t know.
Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna.
Ross: Who am I?
Ross: I never gave it to you.
Ross: (with the altered voice) Thank you guys-guys-guys
Ross: Uh, clearly.
Ross: Yeah, maybe not. So what you wanna do?
Ross: OK you...you really don't know what I am talking about?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: Yeah?
(Ross enters.)
Chandler: Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?
Ross: Yeah, that'll do it.
Ross: I'm, I'm okay.
Ross: All right. (He gently tosses the ball to Chandler who catches it.)
Ross: Yeah? Any names come to mind?
Ross: Dont be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say its too soon, but just-just think, think how great it will be.
Ross: Yeah, it's no big deal. It's just a blind date.
Ross: No!
ROSS: No, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. If you go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you sir.
Ross: Hey, I don't know what to tell you guys that's the doll he chose.
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Ross is eating the dinner Carol made for Susan.]
Ross: Wow, free crab cakes. Well, that's nice. Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.
Ross: Eh, if it was meant to be, it's meant to be.
(Ross sees the waiter looking at him.)
Ross: What's - what's going on?
Ross: Hey! Guess what I got for your wedding! (Holding up his garment bag.)
Ross: Whew! That was a brisk ride!
Ross: Female body inspector? What size is that?
Ross: Hey, what's wrong?
Ross: Well, what happened?
Ross: Oh. Crab cake?
Ross: I did, too.
Ross: All right. All right, Ill do it.
Ross: That bad?
Ross: Hows Monica coming along with her vows?
Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?
(Phoebe sees Rachel and Ross through the window.)
Ross: Just the crab cakes.
Hillary: Okay. (She goes to turn the lights off and Ross sits on the couch. She has some black light posters on the wall.)
Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks across room)
CHANDLER and JOEY: Woah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]
Ross: (laughs) You dont-you dont want to hear about my dream Officer Pretty?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Ross sits down.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Monica are there as Joey enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]