words in movies
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and Mindy?
Ross: I know what you mean, Ive always wondered how different my life would be if-if Id never gotten divorced.
Ross: The first time! No seriously, imagine if Carol hadnt realized she was a lesbian.
Ross: Id bet Id still be doing my kara-tay. (Thats karate, hes just saying it that way.) Towards the end of our marriage I was doing a lot of kara-tay as a way of releasing the tension from yknow, not doing anything else physical.
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
Ross: What?!
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, wed still hang out?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: A newsstand, Ross is buying a magazine and gets in line behind a woman.]
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Ross: No-no. Its-its me, Ross!
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. Ross Tillman.
Ross: No, no-no, Ross Geller.
Ross: Yeah. Right.
Ross: Good-good, Im-Im married. (Shows her his ring.)
Ross: Is-isnt it the best?
Ross: Oh really, really great! Yeah! A-actually shes right down the street, umm, do-do you know what? You should stop bye and say hi.
Ross: Yeah? Oh-oh, shed be so excited!
Ross: Come on! (They start to leave.)
Ross: No, its okay. Some-some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I dont
Ross: (putting the magazine back and holding the money for it) Okay.
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
(She hangs up as Ross and Rachel enter.)
Ross: Hey Mon!
Ross: Mon, look who I ran into! (Gestures towards Rachel.)
Ross: And, and uh, you-you remember my friend Chandler. (Points to him.)
Ross: And thats Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Ross: (answering it) 1987, the day after Christmas, at Sean McMahons party. I played you one of my songs, yknow Interplanetary Courtship Ritual.
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! Ill play you one of my other
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey-hey, or I could bring my keyboard over here sometime!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Ross: Come on Pheebs, its not that bad! Yknow most people would be excited if they didnt have to work for a couple of weeks.
Phoebe: (To Ross) So whats going on with you?
Ross: Well umm, Ive been doing a lot more of my kara-tay.
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Well, last weekend
Ross: will be two months
Ross: since I stopped trying.
Ross: What-what do you mean?
Ross: Oh.
Ross: Wow!
Ross: Okay, I think I got it.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross is trying to talk to Carol about what Phoebe told him.]
Ross: So honey, this morning was fun, huh? Me hopping in on you in the shower there.
Ross: Look Carol umm, I was, I was thinking maybe uh, maybe we can spice things up a little.
Ross: Carol our sex life isits just not working
Ross: Hey there little fella! Hey, uh-hey, why dont we get some shoes on ya, huh? Hey, why dont you show dad how you can put your shoes on, in your room! Yay!!
Ross: Yay! (To Carol) Seriously, our sex life I was thinking, maybe I dont know, we could try some-some new things. Yknow? For fun?
Ross: Well I dont know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carols shocked and obviously doesnt like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesnt like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, yknow we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
Ross: I got it!
Ross: (on the phone) Hello? (Listens.) No she cant come to the phone right now. (Listens.) Oh, right no problem. Okay, bye-bye. (Hangs up.)
Ross: J-j-just relax, nobody yelled. Jack just was calling to make sure that you were getting better.
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, shes fired.
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Carol is working on something at the table and Ross is reading a newspaper on the couch.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
Ross: Oh. (He takes the notepad she was using and looks at it.) Wow! (Flips to another page.) Huh. (Flips another page.) Boy! (Flips another page.) Well, someones been doing their homework. (Flips two more pages.)
Ross: Oh, I know. (Laughs) Yknow, just-just talking about it is getting me kinda
Ross: Yeah? Well, I-I think Bens asleep.
Ross: Yeah. Right. Save it. I can do that. (Gets up and does a little kara-tay.)
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey, Pheebs!
Ross: Hey, hows it going?
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Ross: She doesnt know she was fired yet, does she?
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, maybe this whole heart attack thing is a sign, that-that you should start think about getting a different job.
Phoebe: Okay, what is this? A stupid contest? Because we got a winner here! (Points at Ross.)
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Ross: Okay.
(They start moving towards the bedroom, never taking their eyes off each other. They move past Ross and stop.)
Ross: Im-Im Ross by the way.
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
(They disappear into the bedroom leaving Ross standing in the living room holding Susans coat.)
Ross: How hot is this?!
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
Ross: Hey!
Ross: Look at you! Youre up!
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Ross: Hey Joe did Did you ever have a threesome?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Ross: No! The reason Im asking is that I sorta had one last night.
Ross: Yeah!
Ross: Yeah!
Ross: It was, it was okay.
Ross: Look, its just did, did you ever go to a party and think, "Would really anyone miss me if I werent here?"
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Ross: Oh-oh, absolutely!
Ross: Its just, my part seemed to be over pretty quickly and then, and then there was a lot of waiting around.
Ross: Not-not really. Th-th-there was just Carol.
Ross: No, she kept kicking me away!
Ross: No!
Ross: Oh I a lot of stuff!
Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.
Ross: Just a sandwich. Turkey, a little mustard
Ross: It really was!
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is there as Rachel storms in.]
Rachel: Hi Ross!
Ross: Hey Rachel.
Ross: Umm, no.
Ross: That-thats always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Okay. (He does so.)
Ross: Were sorry.
Ross: Didnt you spend last night at Joeys?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Ross: Men. I guy I know.
Ross: She is not (Realizes) Shes gay. Oh my God. She is so gay! I cant believe this.
Ross: Im sorry your husband cheated on you.
Ross: Try telling my wife that.
Ross: Well, for one thing, she keeps calling her Ella! Rachel: (Defends Amy) Wha.. well, Ella's a nice name!
(Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.)
(Ross starts laughing)
Ross: Fine.
Ross: I know!
Ross: Ive said it! Okay?! But its over Joey!
Chandler: (Angrily) Alright, whoever this is, stop calling me! (Ross and Joey laugh silently.) Its been six months! Its not funny!
ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy!
[Monica picks up the bag, while Ross closes the door and hits Monica with his tail. They walk into the living room, and Monica empties the bag.]
[cut to later, Rosss team has the ball.]
Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.)
Ross: Did you get like a fresh batch of pregnancy hormones today?!
Monica: Well, you guys have been friends forever. Remember the first time that you kissed Ross? How weird that was? You couldn't stop laughing? You got through that.
Ross: Mitzi is.....
Ross: Oh, yeah, why not?
Ross: Did homo-erectus hunt with wooden tools?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are sitting on the couch playing cards, and Phoebe is working on a new song.]
Chandler: Okay, I went over to Ross' apartment to bring back Clunkers. Yknow, for you, and (Clears his throat) I left the door open and she must have gotten out and I looked everywhere, all over the apartment, including the roof, which FYI Ross, one of your neighbors, growing weed. I couldn't find him, and I am so, so, so, sorry. But I do know where we could all go ease the pain. (Points up and then over to the street)
Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So..
Cailin: (to Ross) Hi! Remember me?
Ross: Its like that everywhere, Joey! Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work the uh, waiters eat with the waiters, right? And the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?
(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)
Rachel: I feel like were the only two people in the world. (She sets down her wine class, picks up a walnut, and knocks another one on the floor.) Oops. Sorry. (She reaches down to pick it up and Ross hands it to her. Ross is hiding under the couch and causes Rachel to scream.)
Ross: (to the rest of the gang) Were just gonna be friends.
Ross: (quickly talking) Hello, baby. Hello, hello.
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Yeah, okay you're right.
[Cut to later in that episode. Ross is showing his boss his new place and notices something in the window.]
Cheryl: (sneaking up behind Ross) Guess who?
Phoebe: (Grabs the pictures) Oh! Here we all are! Yeah, there's Ross and Joey and you and me. (She picks up a magic marker and draws herself in. Monica can't watch.)
Ross: Fine by me; hope she wins.
Ross: That cup is mine!
Ross: Would you excuse us for a second? (Pulls Rachel off to the side) Umm . what are you doing?
[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and Cheryl are kissing]
Ross: (loudly) Good luck!
(Ross reveals a bag of apples.)
Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter.
ROSS: This is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television.
Ross: Whats up? (He smiles. His teeth are freakishly white.)
ROSS: Well then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would have stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it.
ROSS: And you had no idea they weren't getting along?
[Cut to Joey and Rachel's, Joey and Ross are giving Phoebe and Rachel the brides maid test.]
Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: Well umm, yknow, I used to play.
Ross: Okay, guys.
Ross: Really?! I mean, really?!!
Ross: Pshhshhh!
Ross: Monicas right. Were talking about getting married here. Okay? She-she cant just rush into this.
Ross: All right, gentlemen, youre up first.
Rachel: Wh, Ross what do you want from me? You want me, you want me to quit my job so you can feel like you have a girlfriend?
Phoebe: (taking Ross aside) Have umm, have you thought anymore about you and Rachel?
Ross: Nothing. But the complaint department at the condom company got an earful. And then when I turned around she was gone.
Ross: Hey. Rachel, I-I-I've been wanting to tell you something for a while now and I really, I just have to get it out.
ROSS: G-gift? The thing's not the gift?
Monica: Phoebe, Ross sucks!
Monica and Ross: Scuse us
[Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.]
Ross: (entering carrying a garment bag) Hey!
Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch!
Ross: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"
Ross: Were still married! Dont tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.)
Ross: (to Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe: Hello. Oh good. Ross could you put up some of these flyers for me? (He smiles at her.) OH!! Demon!! Demon!!
Ross: Pheebs
Rachel: Well then he gets a divorce, its Ross!
Ross: What?
Ross: Yeah, okay.
Ross: Oh, hi Chloe.
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
Joey: All right look, Ross, hes right. Emilys great, shes great! But this way too soon, youre only gonna scare her!
Ross: No Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth....
Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a father?
Ross: Dad dad, please! As I was saying umm, Im Dr. Ross Geller. Uhh, and Im the best man. And uh, this marriage is doubly special for me umm, because not only is the groom my best friend but uh, the bride is my little sister. And, shes the greatest sister a guy could ask for. So if youd all please join me in raising a glass to the, the couple were here to celebrate. (Everyone does so.) To the Bings.
Ross: (To Phoebe and Mike) I can't believe you guys aren't going to be able to get married today.
(Chandler and Ross both laugh)
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to leave.]
Ross: Veto. Stewart?
Ross: Ah, well all go. (motions to Chandler) Come on. (the guys leave)
Ross: Two seconds
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are arguing.]
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Ross: What are you doing?
Ross: Everything? Even the TV?
Janice: (entering) Ross you left you scarf in (sees everyone.) Hey you guys. (Does the laugh.)
Ross: Oh, who? Me?
(Ross is at a loss for words.)
Ross: 11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, thats 4 for the guys. Ladies, youre up.
Ross: Hey. Oh, Im sorry, this is Cailin.
[Scene: The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete.]
Ross: But having a dove place the ring on your finger wouldve been no problem?
Ross: Chandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, okay. And sweetie..
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?
ROSS: (putting his arm up with his hand on the door frame.)� Why?� (He starts to lower his arm.)
Ross: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins dancing on top of it!
Ross: Yeah.
Ross: I know, me too. It was... You know, it was like one of those things you think is never gonna happen, and then it does, and it's everything you want it to be.
Ross: I just wanna check something.