words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Phoebe: Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! (Answering the phone.) Go!! Whos this? (Listens) Oh okay, youre gonna like working for me. Whats your name? (Listens) What kind of name is Brendy? I Whatever Stop talking! All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Rachel: Oh, its so easy for you I mean, youre not married, you get to have sex with who ever you want!
Rachel: Oh my God! Youre a 30 year old virgin!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) Im so glad youre here.
Dr. Drake Remoray: Thats right Wesley! I just stopped by to say that, youre not a real doctor! And that womans brain, is fine!
Dr. Drake Remoray: Youre not dying Hope, youre gonna live a long, healthy life. With me.
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Ross: Were really gonna do this, huh?
Chandler: Im sorry youre here with me instead of Roger.
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Chandler: Stop it! Were doing this! Lets do it!
Ross: Look at you! Youre up!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Chandler: Oh. Oh right! Right! Because youre still seeing him and uh, hes a good guy. I mean, I remember a time when (He fakes falling asleep.)
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Phoebe: Youre in my office! Look, I have made a lot of cash for this company! Okay? I am talking big bucks! Pesos! Yen! Rubles! You make one little mistake
Rachel: Me? Im great! Im fine! Im sooo good!! But, you know whos not great?! Men! Youre a man right Ross?!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Ross: Were sorry.
Will: So you knocked her up but youre not gonna marry her. Dude! (Wants another high-five and Ross ignores him.) Anybody?
Phoebe: Earl, youre not hearing me! All Im saying is that youre not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didnt mean him.)
Rachel: Op! Youre peeping!
Monica: I dont know! I dontmaybe youre feeling a little resentful. Maybe ah, maybe you thought youd get married first! Maybe you cant stand the fact that your formally fat friend is getting married before you!
Rachel: Hey! Were here!
Monica: All right guys stop it. Rachel, were very sorry that is a very insensitive thing for us to do. And yknow what? Let us make it up to you, we have two really great guys for you.
Joey: (scolding) Dude, theyre not objects.
Tim: Wow! Umm, okay. Umm (To Phoebe) I-I-I realize I came on a little strong but, its only because I think youre so amazing. (To Monica) And uh, I-I just wanna, I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here because Iyoure the most talented chef Ive ever worked for. Anyway (Starts to leave and Phoebe and Monica trade looks.)
Joey: I dont get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didnt take it, and I didnt take it; and you (Chandler) didnt take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! Were trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realise it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesnt get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)
Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) Were gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Bens head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.)
Chandler: It just keeps getting worse and worse! Y'know? I mean its bad enough that Im in love with my roommates girlfriendwhich by the way, I think she knows. Because every time were in the room together theres this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when Ive seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boles or something. But there are no boles, shes smooth! Smooth! (leaves)
Rachel: Jill, honey, I think this is the best thing that couldve ever happened to you. I mean you needed to get out on your own anyway! And you know when I did it, I-I-I at first I was scared, and look at me now! Im the only daughter dad is proud of! Okay, well this is, this is what youre gonna do. Youre gonna get a job, youre gonna get an apartment, and then Ill help you and you can stay with us. Right Pheebs, she can stay with us?
Monica: Yeah, like youre gonna be pregnant. I mean pregnant.
Chandler: (To Joey) Look there is no way youre doing this wedding now. Okay?
Chandler: It feels like we’re cheating on our house. And if we’re gonna cheat, shouldn’t it be with like a hot, younger house, that does stuff that our house won’t do?
Ross: Ah, were out. I sold them all.
Monica: Wait! Youre supposed to wear a costume!
Joey: Well okay, so then youre fine. The rule is when two actors are actually doing it off-stage all the sexual tension between them is gone. Okay? So as long as its hot onstage you got nothing to worry about. Its when the heat goes away, thats when youre in trouble.
Monica: All right Rach, for what its worth, I think that youre doing great. I mean yknow lets face it, no one handles this well.
Dr. Long: Actually, theyre things you can do. Just some home remedies, but in my experience Ive found that some of them are quite effective.
Rachel: Okay, well then how about puberty! Come on, thats always a painful time! Yknow your friends invite you to a slumber party and then they stick your hand in warm water while youre sleeping so that you pee in your sleeping bag.
[Scene, Phoebe and Rachels, theyre sitting together on the couch.]
Chandler: Im so sorry youre sick.
Joey: Well if its free food, how come youre charging me for it?
Gunther: Youre paying for that.
Monica: Okay, Ill see you tomorrow! (Doug exits.) Just so you know, were not seeing him tomorrow. (Chandler wonders why.) I-I cannot spend another evening with that man. Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?
Monica: Yeah youre right. I dont know what I was thinking.
Monica: Yeah youre right, we cantwe shouldnt watch this.
Chandler: Her ankle is what youre watching?
Joey: Dude, if you go back out there, youre gonna be Dead Ross!
Jill: Oh great! Thanks Ross, youre such a good friend!
Monica: Cause if you do that means youd be cancelling it for me, and were just friends.
Phoebe: Youre making one right now!
Monica: Yknow youre really not supposed to be back here!
Dr. Long: Twenty-one hours, youre a hero.
Phoebe: And-and youre using my name!
Phoebe: Look, Im talking right now! Youreyou mean her.
Mans Voice: Were still rolling!
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. Youre telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didnt want you back?!
Phoebe: Thats not why youre going! Youre going because you hope hes gonna say, "Yeah, I love you too, Rach. Forget that British chippy."
Rachel: Of course theyre listening to you! Everybody listens to you.
Joey: Well youre whippin so slow! Cant you do it any faster?
Rachel: You dont tell a guy that youre looking for a serious relationship! You dont tell the guy that! Now you scared him away!
Chandler: Hey, you have to forget about Elizabeth. I mean if youre not careful you may not get married at all this year!
Chandler: When youre marrying us; thats what you should say.
Ross: Fine. I just need to know that youre not gonna tell your sister.
Ross: (cutting her off) Youre alone.
Monica: Well, no. Youre Chandler. Y'know, Chandler! (hits him on the arm)
Gunther: What did I tell you about talking to your friends while youre working?
Ross: Youre welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)
Chandler: I see where youre goin!
Phoebe: Youre kidding! And he plays rugby?! Thats so funny. (Realises) Ohh! I see how you did that. All right.
Phoebe: Ohh, youre a freak!!
Monica: Youre on the phone!
Phoebe: I know, theyre gonna be so happy together.
Rachel: Joey no, this is wrong! You have to take it back, okay? You dont want to win an award this way. Youre very talented. And someday youre gonna win one of these for real and that one is gonna mean something.
The Saleslady: Were closing.
Joey: Oh, well think of it like this, when youre 90
The Doctor: But, youre not identical twins.
Joey: Felicity and I, were watching My Giant, and I was thinking, "Im never gonna be as good an actor as that giant." Do you think Im just wasting my life with this acting thing?
Phoebe: I dont know, I dont know, I dont know. You know, I mean, on the one hand, Mother may I? But yknow on the other hand No. No, I cant. Were friends. No, oh, no. I dont want to risk what we have.
Elizabeth: Uh no, theyre still here but I think Im about to leave.
Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and youre going to tell her now. (She grabs his nipple and starts to twist it.)
Monica: What?! Youre going out with her again!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, theyre still playing Cups.]
Rachel: Thank God youre pretty. (Exits.)
Rachel: Honey, thats youre name.
Joey: No youre not! Not to me!
Elizabeth: Oh, were not together.
Rachel: Well, Ill be waiting for you, just come up when youre done.
Phoebe: Wow, kids. Frank, are you sure youre ready for that?
Doug: No, its a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it. Were gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
Phoebe: I still cannot believe youre engaged! (Ross looks at her) Just cause its happening so fast; not cause youre such a loser.
Ross: Of course! It all adds up! I mean you youre obsessed with her. Its always, "Ross, what are you gonna do about Rachel?" "Ross, why-why are you moving in with Rachel?" "When are you gonna confess your secret marriage to Rachel?" You want her!
Rachel: Well, wait a minute, youre the boss! Why dont you just yell at them? Or, fire them?
Rachel: (thinking) Youre going to have a baby, and you need to be prepared. Now, youre going to make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it! (Rachel puts the tape in the VCR)
Joey: (entering from bathrooms excitedly) You guys! You guys! Youre not gonna believe what my agent just told me!
Monica: Were supposed to meet my parents in 15 minutes.
Joey: Over the line?! You-youre-youre so far past the line, that you-you cant even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
Monica: Youre not supposed to look!
Phoebe: No! Joey, youre going to be great!
Phoebe: (running up) Okay. Okay, heres what were gonna do. Okay, Im gonna break into this mini-van and put it in neutral. You guys push it forward so Ross can drive out of his spot. Okay? All right, here we go. (She opens her coat and reveals that thing car thieves use to break into cars as Ross jumps in behind the wheel. She inserts the device, unlocks the door, opens it, and the alarm goes off.) Haul ass!!!! (Runs off.)
Chandler: Well, were really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.
Phoebe: (reading from her book) Mon (Pause as she restarts) Marcia and Chester are planning on seeing a movie on Sunday night. Marcia thinks theyre supposed to meet at six, Chester thinks its at seven.
Mrs. Geller: Can we talk to you for just a yknow Its just a little thing. Well we think its absolutely marvelous that youre having this baby out of wedlock, some of our friends are less open-minded. Which is why weve told them all that youre married.
Chandler: So, do you know what youre gonna call her yet?
Ross: Youre back.
Phoebe: I see what youre doing!
Monica: Great! Well Rachel, the reason why I wont let you drive the Porsche is because youre a terrible driver. There! That wasnt about the wedding.
Ross: Umm, say youre gonna be starving after all this moving. What do you say I take you to dinner tonight?
Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! Youre so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, cause you guys are perfect for each other. Yknow, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just it-it fits. Yknow? And you just know its gonna last forever.
Ross: Gentlemen, youre pick.
Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! Youre-youre-youre the guy that doesnt know how to pour milk!!
Paul: Youre next!!
Monica: Youre jealous of Princess Caroline?
Monica: Okay you were right! All right, I never should have bought them! Theyre killing me! One toe at a time!
The Fan: Wow! Wow, thanks a lot! I just wanna say, I think youre really talented.
The Museum Official: Yes. Were very popular. Theres a two-year waiting list. Sorry! (She kinda storms out with the couple.)
Monica: I mean theyre trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something Ive been waiting for my whole life.
Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! Were gonna split it! You take half and I take half!