words in movies
Ross: Hey, do you guys think that if all those things happened, wed still hang out?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Rachel: (still not quite able to look at him) Hi! I love you on that show! I watch you everyday! I mean, when you took out your own kidney to save your ex-wife even though she tired to kill you
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Chandler: Its not all juice! (Rachel quickly gets out of the way.)
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Phoebe: No! Its not a cigarette! The smoke is coming out of me!
Monica: Put it out!!
Phoebe: Okay! Okay! (Puts it out and comes out of the bathroom.) Im so glad youre here.
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Phoebe: Well, Ive got to get out of this bed, Im going crazy here. Crazy!
Ross: Yknow, if, if this is too weird for you, we can still back out at (A knock on the door interrupts him.)
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
(She turns out the lights and in the darkened room Chandler starts to moan.)
[Scene: Joey's apartment, the next morning, Rachel is passed out on the couch.]
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
(She goes out into the hall and when shes there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Monica: Hey, check me out, Im a slut!
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Yeah! When you were talking about Roger, that was killing me! Look, things like last night they dont just happen. Yknow? Or at least not to me. Or with the other two women, in the morning yknow I was just lying there and I couldnt wait to just go hang out with my friends, but with you I always yknow with a friend.
Chandler: I know you probably dont want to go out with me, yknow because I make too many jokes and Ive never been in a serious relationship and I guess Im not technically a "doctor "
Chandler: Okay, but let's do it now though, because Chopper 5 just lost it's feed! (He grabs their bags and sprints out.)
Carol: Out!
Ross: No, Im serious. You-you need to find out where she is, because if shes not where you are, then you can start to move past this.
Rachel: Ok. That's fine. (takes her earrings out)
Joey: Here, I brought you some flowers. (He pulls them out of the bag.)
Nurse: Out!
Phoebe: Pay the caterer! Look, I've had a lot of jobs, okay, and there are some people who just always try to get out of paying. It's either, you know, "that massage wasn't long enough, or, "I don't recognize any of those songs," or, you know, "these sombreros aren't big enough. Bad little white girl!"
Chandler: (rushing in) Oh, good! Good! Do you guys know how to get a chick out of a VCR?!
Ross: Thanks! (walks out of the room and starts hugging the wall) Thank you! (closes the door)
Monica: Hi! Hey, Pete youre back! Hey, check this out. (She starts to skate over to him)
JOEY: No, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.
Monica: (looking out the window) Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope!
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]
Monica: You don't know everything. Did you know that I'm going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I can't even look at you right now?! (She storms out.)
Rachel: Okay, well, I'm gonna clear out some of these boxes. (She grabs a couple of the old pizza boxes and exits.)
Monica: Why isn't it working out?
Phoebe: Eww! Oh, its all dirty. You should throw this out.
Chandler: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. (she tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and Im not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.
Rachel: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?
Ross: Yeah, ooh yeah, I think there is one from batch 17 left, uh (Grabs a cookie and takes a big bite out of it and doesnt like it.) Its batch 16! 16 people! Get out of the way! (Gets up and runs for the bathroom.)
Joey: Hey! I did not cry my eyes out!! Come on! Its like the end of an era! No more J-man and Channies!!
[Out on the balcony]
Ross: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony)
(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fianc�e Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
Rachel: Look Ross, if youre so freaked out, just get in the car!
Carol: Why'd you freak out?
Ross: (to Rachel) But work comes first! (to Mark) Oh hey, but thats sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya?
Joey: Hey! What are you guys doing here? I thought youd be out partying with Gandel-worf.
Ross: (talking to himself) My God! These pants are burning up! (He's still wearing the leather pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are you hot?
Rachel: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.
Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.
MRS. GREENE: ...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.
Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?
(Chandler struts out from his apartment)
Ross: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (starts to get out his wallet) How much are the boxes?
JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?
(Just as they're about to leave, Gunther comes out of the back carrying two garbage bags. Larry sees this and stops him.)
Rachel: Uh, Im just, Im just looking out your window. At-at the view. What are you guys doing?
Monica: Okay, I freaked out a little.
Monica: Then Ive gotta go. Bye. (kisses him and starts to walk out)
Ross: What do you mean? Nothing happened! I had to get out of there.
Joey: Okay. Thats good. Okay, that give you a couple hours to prepare what youre gonna say. Good. Yeah. (Someone comes out of his apartment and it startles Joey again.) Dont you people ever knock?!
Will: Mrs. Altman? She also made out with Takaka Ci-Kek the night before he went back to Thailand.
GUY: [to Phoebe] I hear you can get people out of here.
(They all look at the window, grossed out, then flinch in pain.)
ROSS: Whip it out, whip it out.
PHOEBE: Why couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago?
(He walks out and Rachel stares at his butt as he leaves. He makes a wrong turn.)
Ross: Well, I don't know, it's-it's kinda in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. (starts to take off his pants)
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it! I don't think that was my point!
[Monica looks around the hallway, pulls out a sponge and starts scrubbing the door frame.]
Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?
Joey: listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date I realized I already slept with her.
[Scene: The street, Joey is hanging out wearing his Porsche grab.]
ROSS: You ever figure out what that thing's for?
Rachel: (out of breath) Julie.
Ross: I dont know whether hes testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.
Joey: Well I dont like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Dont feel bad man, we all have our strengths. Youre better with numbers and stuff.
Joey: Sure, I can hang out til I have to meet ya. (To Chandler) What uhHow come youre not going?
Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)
Joey: Thanks! I've been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that I'm wearing six sweaters?
Joey: If you get a second, find out where she got that cheeseburger.
Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, Im not asking for me, Im I mean No, Im-Im not gay, Im not asking you out. Im not-Im not-Im not gay!
Joey: YeahHey, dont worry, shes a terrific girl. And hey listen, could you do me a favor? When she comes out could you just mention that Im not looking for a serious relationship; thatd be great.
Chandler: Couldn't be more out. (throws in cards)
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
Joey: Tell me about it, huh? (Realizes that she can see Monica.) Oh no-no-no, I'm not with her, she's just Monica! (He pantomimes that out.) Ewwuck! (He pushes Monica away and makes a disgusted face.)
Rachel: Wow. (she exhales in amazement, blowing the candle out)
Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;and away they all flew like the down of a thistle; but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
Pete: Well, if that were true, Id dating my Aunt Ruth. And the two times we went out were just plain awkward. (to Rachel) Come on, you think she should go out with me, dont you?
JOEY: The guy still won't put out, huh?
Joey: Hey, yknow what you guys? I think Im gonna go walk her home. (Gets up and runs out.)
Phoebe: Well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa. Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.
Ross: Well, okay so, I dont have it all worked out quite yet. Just dont say anything to Rachel, please?
(Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and back to his place.)
Rachel: Youre gonna be late! Go! Go! (He runs out.)
(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesnt know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)
PHOE: So, I figured it out.
Monica: Chandler! (Knocks on the door.) Chandler! I just figured out who you are!
Phoebe: All right, dont freak out! Okay? I-I will help you. How long before you have to leave?
Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.
Joey: Pheebs! (He looks down as he goes down the step to make sure he didnt fall again.) Check it out! (He starts laughing when he realized what he did.)
ROSS: [looking at a glass table with a panther shaped base] Look, check this out. Is it a coffee table, is it a panther? There's no need to decide.
(Ross starts looking for table six and finds out that its the kids table. He sees Mona sitting at another table.)
[Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.]
Laura: Is he alright out there by himself?
Ross: (laughing) Ohh. (Phoebe takes a couple of steps to the door and Ross quickly hurries out.)
Ross: Oh my God! Those werent albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! (He hurries inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.)
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. You know, what was it? Four? Five months? I mean, that's more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window)
Joey: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends?
Monica: Okay! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, Im cold! (She spills something.) And covered in marinara sauce! Come on! Let me out! (the door opens)
Phoebe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! (they all stop fighting, Chandler continues to dance.) Look what youre doing to Chandler!! (Chandler finally stops) (to Ross and Rachel) Yeah, look, we know this is really, really hard for you guys. Okay? (Ross starts to leave) You dont, all right you dont have to love each other, okay? You dont, you dont even have to like each other much right now. But please, you have to figure out a way to be around each other.
CHANDLER: No, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.
[Scene: Monicas birthday, Monica is now dressed and is being helped out by Chandler and Rachel.]
Ross: Of course! Uh yeah, she and I would talk all the time in-in (Rachel pokes her head in and starts to look around) the laundry room. (Pushes Rachel out of the way.)
Joey: You wanna see what I got? (He gets up to empty out his pockets) Okay? Ive got a baby Tootsie Roll, a movie stub, keys, a Kleenex, a rock, and an army man. Hey!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are still debating about how to tell Rachel that Chandlers moving in and shes moving out.]
Joey: Yeah. Listen uh, Id prefer it if you didnt call me Joey. Since I dont know anyone here, I thought itd be cool to try out a cool work nickname.
RACH: I mean he just started going out with her.
Joey: (getting out) Awww, man! He promised he wouldnt take the chairs!!