words in movies
Monica: Oh my God!
Monica: Why did they get divorced?
Monica: And what if I was still fat? (To Chandler) Well, you wouldnt be dating me, thats for sure.
Ross: No, I just think Monica was that fat.
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Ohh, of course Monicas brother!
Rachel: Oh, its the best! (They both exhale contemplating the joys of marriage.) So, umm hows Monica?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Monica: Hes not boring! Hes just-hes just low key.
Monica's Boyfriend: (returning) Here we go, one Hazelnut Latte. (Hands it to Monica and sits down.)
Monica: Thanks.
Monica: Oh no! Whats the matter?
Monica: Okay.
Monica: Bye.
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Monica: Hey Phoebe! Guess what?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Monica: Hey!
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Monica: Oh my God, sit down! Sit down! How long as it been since weve seen each other?
Monica: Rach, hes a friend of ours.
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Monica: Ohhh! (Takes the plate.) No! This is my friend Rachel, we went to High School together.
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes not crazy is she?
Monica: No.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Monica: Youre his bitch.
Phoebe: (yelling from Monicas room) No-no!! No!!
Monica: (panicked) Oh wait! You didnt just sit on my Kit-Kats did you?!!
Monica: What?!
Monica: Yes!!
Monica: Oh my God!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Monica: Honey, having a heart attack is natures way of telling you to slow it down.
Monica: Lets take a walk. (They start to leave.) Yknow maybe you should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine! (They exit.)
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Monica: Sorry. So hows it going with Joey?
Monica: Yeah! Shes right in there! (Points to Phoebes room.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is eating breakfast as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Oh my God! Thats great! Oh wow! (Hugs him.) Youre a published writer! I wish I had a present for you!
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Monica: Okay!!
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Monica: Its not mayonnaise!!
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica is there as Rachel enters.]
Monica: Yeah, a lot. A lot, a lot!
Monica: Well, yknow its none of my business, but arent you married?
Monica: Well, youre not.
Monica: Yeah I can! (Laughs) And dont think I dont, because I do! I mean all the time, you betcha! (Laughs.)
Rachel: Monica. Youve, youve done it right?
Monica: (giggles) Of course I have! What do you think, Im some 30 year old virgin?
Monica: Say it louder, I dont think the guy all the way in the back heard you!
Monica: Its not like, I havent any opportunities. I mean, yknow, Im just waiting for the perfect guy. Im seeing this guy Roger, all right? Hes not perfect, but umm, I think maybe I should just get it over with. Yknow, give him my flower.
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
Monica: Rachel! Im never gonna think its okay for you to cheat on your husband!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
Monica: Phoebe, why is smoke coming out of the bathroom?!
Monica: Phoebe! Put that cigarette out!
Monica: Put it out!!
Ross: (To Monica) Yeah, shes fired.
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Monica: But, I put some honey in it.
(Phoebe mocks what Monica just said. Ross pulls Chandler aside.)
Monica: Well, you used to like playing the guitar.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Monica: I hope youre hungry, were starting with oysters. And yknow what they say about oysters, dont you?
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
Monica: People! People say it! Come here! (She grabs him and kisses him.)
Monica: And then were gonna have a little Middle Eastern cous-cous. Something we can eat, with our hands.
Monica: No-no-no, no! Its sensual!
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
Monica: I cant promise anything. (She starts to dig in.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Monica: Yeah, me too.
Monica: Stop it!! Thats not funny!!
Monica: Im sorry, okay? It justtonight was supposed to be yknow, it was supposed to be a big deal.
Monica: You dont want to know what tonight was.
Monica: Well, tonight waswas going to be my first time.
Chandler: With Roger? (Monica shyly looks away.) Not just with Roger?! (Monica shrugs.) Oh my God!
Monica: All right relax Mr. Ive Had Sex Four Times!
Monica: How many?
Monica: I was just waiting for the perfect guy.
Monica: No. Hes not a horrible guy.
Monica: Chandler, Im gonna die a virgin!
Monica: Oh really? When? Do you wanna do it with me?
Monica: I was kidding.
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Monica: No! (They both laugh.) Oyster?
Monica: Yeah but see I have nothing to compare it too. So even if youre horrible, how would I know?
Monica: Its harder for me! I have those four other women to compete with!
Monica: Absolutely! It would just be one friend (Points at Chandler) helping out another friend. (Points at herself.)
Monica: Noo!! Okay!!
Monica: Umm, do you have any uhh, moves?
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
Monica: What if I turn out the lights? (Runs to shut them off.)
Monica: Chandler?
Monica: Thats the couch.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is making a sandwich as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Hey!
Monica: Hey, check me out, Im a slut!
Monica: Oh I cant. Dr. Roger is coming over again.
Monica: Are you okay?
Monica: Great! Its so amazing! I mean, last time Dr. Roger came over, I was so nervous, but then after being with you Im all like, "Can the doctor see me now?"
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is blowing out a candle as Chandler enters.]
Monica: Yeah, come on, eat, whatever you want. Dr. Roger got beeped again.
Monica: What?!
Monica: Why would you do that?
Monica: Really?
Monica: Chandler!
(Monica runs over and kisses him.)
Monica: There was just one woman, wasnt there?
Monica: Including me?
Monica: Yes Phoebe, but this is all I have. Okay? (She pours out the rest of her change purse into the bucket.)
(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)
(Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit)
Monica: And people will think you own a Porsche because youre wearing the clothes?
Monica: Hey Phoebe, will you give me a hand?
Monica: Ah, well then there are gonna be a few surprises!
MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.
Monica: All right, Rachel's party is in a couple of hours and there's a lot to do. Now, Ross, you got Geller blood, you're in charge of these yahoos!
Chandler: Hang on, she’s right here. (he enters the living room and hands the phone to Monica) Someone's on the phone, for ya.
MONICA: You'll do what?
Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in case of emergency, call?
MONICA: Really?
MONICA: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Hi Monica!
Monica: Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat.
MONICA: Keep talkin'.
Monica: Pheebs, hows it going?
MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.
Monica: I need to get some Richard.
PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
Rachel: Monica, you broke up with him for a reason.
Monica: God, what is wrong with me.
Monica: What are you the memory woman?
Monica: "Hi Im Rachel, is my sweater too tight? No? Oh, Id better wash it and shrink it!"
Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!
Monica: Hi.
Monica: I know I do.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Ross is telling Monica and Joey about his date with Elizabeth.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.]
Monica: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know?
Monica: I know, Amanda! Ah! She called me too! She's the worst!
Monica: Oh, they-they sent me home.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.]
Ross: Eh, either way Ill pass. (Quietly to Chandler) I still cant eat those. (Monica is getting something out of the fridge and starts laughing.) Whats so funny?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are entering]
Monica: Hey. Call me when you get there. Okay?
Monica: All right, I'll try not to.
Monica: Nope, sound like me. Pheebs, its going great. Look at Chandler with little baby girl Chandler.
Monica: Rachel, its going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here.
Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
[Scene: Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.]
Ross: That's all right, Rach, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler. Phoebe. Joey, what up?
Phoebe: Monica, do you want us to take you home?
MONICA: Well, how bout just her mom?
MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.
MONICA: Put all my money in me.
Monica: Hi, Dad, what are you doing here?
Monica: Oh.
Monica: No, I really, really do.
Monica: Really!
Monica: You're not just saying that are you?
(Monica answers the door)
Monica: I think so.
Monica: Was he crying?
[Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel's apartment.]
Monica: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (Rachel pays him, Monica grabs some binoculars, and runs to the window.)
MONICA: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]
Monica: I can't believe you let them win!
DR. BURKE: Ah, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.
Monica: Ooh, Phoebe, you look great!
Monica: (entering) Hi.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]
Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.
Monica: What if they dont?
Monica: This would be a beautiful place to get married, yeah, but I wouldnt put the aisle there and I would never have the ceremony there! (Points to both places.) I mean youd have the ceremony under this big beautiful arch. (The arch at the entrance to the room.)
Monica: Huh?
Monica: So, should I call him back?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, with the puppy, Monica, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: Monica, how are you gonna do that?
RACHEL and MONICA: One two three. [Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors]
Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel.
Monica: I called him.
Monica: You dont think that umm, (reading) "The chefs Mahi Mahi was awful awful," is bad press?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]
Monica: It was Michelle. It was definitely Michelle.
Monica: Well, who's voice was that?
Phoebe: Monica, you don't know that.
Monica: He's seeing someone. I can't believe he's seeing someone.
Monica: Well, sure, what with it being her funeral and all.
Monica: Okay. That was her right?
Monica: Okay, I feel like Im talking to Lassie. All right, Phoebe would you just tell me!
Monica: Did you go home and change?
Monica: Okay, fine. (runs to her room)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there as Phoebe enters with her nose stuck in a book.]
Monica: They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's not so good.
Monica: Uh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away. (Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave)
Monica: Not any more!
Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!
Monica: Noooo!!!!
Monica: Outgoing! Did that say outgoing?! Not, outgoing!!!
Monica: I don't know!
Rachel: Oh yes! Thank you very much! (She grabs a glass, takes a sip, and realizes what she just did. She then tries to spit the champagne back into the glass without Monica noticing. It doesnt work.) Oh thats-thats actually how the French drink it.
Monica: I can't believe Phoebe's gonna have her babies!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]
MONICA: Hey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done?
Monica: (To Chandler) Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice arent they?
Ross: Well we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering]
RACHEL: Well not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.