words in movies
Phoebe: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now... tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there.
Phoebe: Mike?? Who's Mike?
David: Mike is your ex... uh... boyfriend!
Phoebe: I'm sooo sorry!! I just... I keep thinking about Mike! I'm crazy about David, and we're having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss Mike? That's-that's gonna go away, right?
David: (to Chandler) Well, Phoebe's still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh?
David: I'm sorry, uh... I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know... Why did Phoebe and Mike break up?
Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?
David: Why not? It's brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we'll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we probably won't invite you to the wedding... (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.
Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
Monica: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
Monica: What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha... What about Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: "Mike, do you take Phoebe..." (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to shout "No! No!") You know, it's every girl's dream!
Phoebe: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike... David! David. I love David. Don't look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna!
Mike: Hello?
Monica: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole "I never want to get married" thing and step up!
Mike: Who is this?
Mike: (sounds shocked and sits down) He... he's gonna propose?
Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you.
Monica: You don't tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I've got you, you've got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit!
Monica: No it's not, b'cause she's still in love with Mike!
Monica: I can't believe she's gonna say yes to David. She's clearly in love with Mike.
(David produces the ring. At the same time, Mike walks in, behind David)
Phoebe: Oh my God, Mike!
David: (turns around) Hi Mike!
Mike: Hi David. Chandler. Monica... (Looks at Monica, checking her big hair, aghast) Oh!
Mike: Hi Phoebe.
Mike: I have a question I need to ask you.
Mike: Yeah, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this.
Mike: Actually yeah, that'll be great.
David: That's fair, you've had a long trip. (he leaves his seat to Mike, and stands there looking for a chair. He finally goes to Monica and Chandler's table)
Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life with you.
Mike: Sorry David, but she really has to know this.
Mike: We can have any future you want.
Mike: Is it ok if I hug you now?
Mike: (popping by, smiling) You're kidding, we wouldn't have missed it!
(Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of David)
Mike: Oh... I'm back!
Phoebe & Mike: Yeah! (they leave)
[Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.]
(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks)
Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff.
(Chandler turns to Mike and gives him a "See what I mean?" look)
[Scene: the hotel game room. There is a ping pong table in the middle of the room. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in]
Mike: I'll play ya!
Phoebe: Mike, you don't know, you don't know what you're doing!
Mike: (disbelieving) I think I will be all right! (to Monica) You wanna volley a bit for a serve?
(Monica and Mike start to play ping pong. Mike scores)
Mike: Oh, by the way... I'm awesome!!
Mike: You're ready to play?
Mike: Wanna make it more interesting?
Mike: Ten bucks a game?
Mike: I'll make it a hundred!
Mike: To see who goes first, you got a quarter?
Mike: Oh, no! I don't think so! You know, according to standard table tennis rules if at any time a player uses his non racket bearing hand to touch the playing surface he or she forfeits the point.
[Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
Mike: Do you?
Mike: Do you?
Mike: DO YOU?
Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by Monica, right now?
Phoebe: C'mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!
(Mike scores)
Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!
Mike: (boasting) Game, point!
Mike: You know, you should really look in a mirror before you call yourself that.
(they continue to play ping pong and then Mike scores, winning the game)
Mike: And that's how it's done! (Phoebe kisses him)
Mike: That's what I'm thinking.
Monica: (to Mike) Serve the ball, chump!
Mike: (doing Monica and mumbling): Serve the ball, chump.
Phoebe: (to Mike) Ok Mike, better come back Mike, better come back.
[Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
Mike: Ok, so it's a tie again, 41 to 41.
Mike: So you forfeit?
Phoebe: Mike wins?
Mike: Oh, that's ok. I don't care which of them I beat.
Chandler: All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.
Mike: Ok!
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh my God. That was so amazing! When did you (pause) Hold on! I almost forgot (she turns to Mike) loser! (back to Chandler) When did you stop sucking?
ROSS: (takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I don't understand what just happened here.
Ross: Oh, (he goes towards Mike in order to shake hands but Mike hugs him) hey, oh... I... I was-I was going for a hand shake.
Mike: You know, I really don't feel very comfortable making this decision. You know, Phoebe knows you better, I'm gonna let her choose. (he leaves)
Mike: Oh, sorry. (He digs in again and finally finds what he's been looking for. A key.)
Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes.
Joey: (on tv) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's got to be a better way!
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Mike enters.]
Mike: Keep in mind, he's never used this product before, you're gonna see how easy this is to do. (to Kevin) Go ahead. ('Kevin' starts using the product, it is a spout that you jab into a paper milk carton so that you don't have to rip it open.) This works with any milk carton.
Mike: (puts on a fake smile) Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it? (he takes the ring from the cake, and cleans it with a napkin)
[Scene: Mike's parents house, the dining room. Mike, Phoebe, Mike's parents and the Angles are there.]
Joey: Have a seat. (Mike sits on his bed, and Joey towers over him. He starts talking in an Italian godfather-type voice) Last night, I tried to welcome you into my family... and instead, you disrespect me... (shakes his head) I cannot allow this.
Mike: And there is Kevin.
Joey: (frustrated) Ahh! There's gotta be a way. I mean, you know, if Monica and Chandler move out here and now Phoebe is married to Mike. That just leaves me and Ross and Rach, you know what I mean?
[Scene: Madison Square Garden. Mike and Phoebe are walking to their seats.]
Originally written by Jeffrey Astroff and Mike Sikowitz Transcribed by Josh Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan SIlverstein.
Mike: Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation.
Mike: Maybe, before the game we could enjoy some eight year old some small batch Basel Hadens.
Mike: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.
Ross: No, Mike, no, no. You wanna pick me, I mean... watch! (he mimics the groommens way of walking down the aisle with a bridesmaid) Huh?
Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits David's finger with his finger and they start to finger-fight using their fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)
Joey: That's okay Mike, I have forgiven you. And now we're friends again everything's great!
Monica: Wow, isn't it ironic that David would show up on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?
Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)
Phoebe: Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's because of him! And I don't want to lose face! That's a very serious thing in my culture.
Mike: You don't have to go home tonight, do you?
Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the couch) Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike.
Monica: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting?
Monica: Well, what do you think of Mike and Chandler being in a car accident?
Phoebe: Monica slow down! Ok? I'm just excited to be living with him. You know I mean, I don't know, Can I see someday being married to Mike? Sure! Yeah. Y'know..I can picture myself walking down the aisle in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts in an obvious yet classy way. But do I want that house in Connecticut...you know..near the good schools where Mike and I can send Sophie and Mike Junior.. Oh my god I do.
Phoebe: Joey, you can't make someone do something they don't want to do. Believe me, there's something I've been trying to get Mike to do in bed and there's... he's just...
Mike: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel?
Mike: Hey, Chandler, why dont we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow?
Phoebe: Well I'm sorry Rachel, but I'm not like you, ok? Not everyone can afford help. (she and Mike leave)
Mike: Joey, I kinda have a lot to do today, what do you want?
Mike: (not amused) Are you rehearsing for some really bad mafia movie?
Mike: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car.
Mike: I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can..
Mike: (looks at her astonished) Alright, then I'm gonna change my name.
Mike: Yeah. We have rat babies now.
Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, I�m not t�not that kind of girl that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! (waves to the bar) Judy! Bye.
(she slaps him in the face, Mike looks like he doesn't believe what just happened. Precious leaves, and he turns to Phoebe.)
Joey: (Laughs) Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we don't know each other. We played all kinds of games. (To Mike) Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face for not being cool?!
Mike: Hey, when did we become one of those couples whose lives revolve around their rats?
Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess I should be open and taking some risks.
Mike: How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody has asked me that.
Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... (He tries to get something from his pocket, but it's not that easy... Phoebe looks in a "what's happening" face to him. He finally has found something) No, not... that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's there...
Mike: (looks strangely shocked) Excuse me... (he leaves, then Phoebe realizes what she did).
Joey: Hey, hey... I can convince people to do anything, you know. I bet I can even get Mike to do that "thing". What is it?
Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated.....
Mike: oh it's just you have that look (shuts the front door)
Mike: I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now, I never will.
Mike: Because I was told I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't. And that I'd meet a pretty girl. Which I did.
Mike: Oh wow! Im free for her!
Joey: Well, hey! Well... (he takes his mug to toast Phoebe) Here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... (a bit uncertain) I wanna say Mike? (pause) To Phoebe and Mike!
Phoebe: (Takes mike) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (Shakes bell as an introduction) (Sung:)
Mike: Ok, unless you're not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?
Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?
MIKE: (Entering the apartment) I, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about.
Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you have to stop me from doing that.
(They turn back around to see the baby Monica's carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn't figured it out yet.)
Mike: (sighs) No...
Mike: Mom, I thought I told you... Phoebe's a vegetarian.
MIKE: I'm so glad you're back.� (He hugs Phoebe.)
Mike: I'll tell her that it's over tonight at dinner. I promise.
Precious: Screw you, Mike. You're a coward and a bastard, and I hope you rot in hell.
Ross: Mike "Gandolf" Ganderson, only like the funest guy in the world.
Mike: Phoebe you don't have to eat...
Monica: Sure! If you're just gonna hang out as friends, then maybe I'll join ya. You know, I'm your friend (to Phoebe) and Mike's friend (Mike is sceptical).
Mike: Can we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage.
Mike: Well I've got a book around...
Mike: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before. Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right?
Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding. (Mike walks away and Bitsy walks in the same direction.)
(They start to leave Central Perk. The band starts to play "Here, There and Everywhere" by the Beatles. The crowd rises from their seats. Phoebe and Chandler walk down the aisle. Phoebe really glows with happiness. So does Mike who watches her walk down the isle. When Phoebe and Chandler arrive, they kiss and Phoebe walks to her bridesmaids.)
Mike: So...? What do you think? (looks at his parents, which look in disgust)
Mike: Wow! You look like... like my mom.
Helena: Im sorry? (Holds out the mike.)
Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy.
Mike: No, my parents are rich.
Mike: Hey... Wh... What are you doing?
Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.
[Cut to Central Perk, Phoebe at the mike.]
Mike: Yeah, I'm sure they will, but you don't have to do this... I'm wanting them to get to know Phoebe, not (accent) Phoebe...
Mike: Well, come on...
Mike: No, no, no, you're doing fine, really... Why don't you go talk to my dad?
Mike: Uhm... Did you just hit my dad?
Phoebe: Oh please, these guys, we haven't even moved in yet and they have us picking out china patterns. (Mike seems to gag a little...and laughs nervously. They begin to leave. Phoebe bolts back)
(There's booing around them, and Mike sinks in his chair, holding his hand in above his eyes, hoping no-one would recognize him)
Mike: Look Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married again.
Mike: But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't you go talk to my mom?
Theodore: How could you know. Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach? (Theodore walks out... Mike walks towards Phoebe)
Mike: Awesome!
[Scene: Mike's parents house. Dining room again. Both Mike and Phoebe are not at the table, but the others still are.]
Mike: Wanna get out of here?
Mike: A little better.
Mike: I'm not interested.
Mike: So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her. You just have to accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love...
Mike: You do?
Mike: Phoebe, I love you. There's no-one else in the world I would ask to marry me... three times. But I wanna take care of you, have babies with you, and grow old with you... Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Mike: Oh, I made a little something. If I had more time to work on it, it'd be better, but..
Mike: No, no Mike, just Crap Bag. First name Crap, last name Bag.