words in movies
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are all there as Phoebe enters dejectedly.]
Joey: I cant believe she would say that too you.
Joey: (interrupting him) Uh Ross! Are there uh, are there naked chicks on that piece of paper?
Joey: Well, Ive just never seen a guy stare so hard at a piece of paper that didnt have naked chicks on it.
Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into "
Joey: Oh-ooh-ooh! Yknow whats a good visual aide?
Joey: Why not?!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]
Joey: Hey! Any good mail?
Joey: Ooh, its probably a residual check, hey can you open it for me, Im kinda .
Joey: Hmm thats weird. I dont remember being in a move called benefits lapsed.
Joey: Let me see that!
Joey: (reads it) Oh, I cant believe this! This sucks! When I had insurance I could get hit by a bus or catch on fire, yknow? And it wouldnt matter. Now I gotta be careful?!
Joey: All right well, I guess I gotta go get a job. Im gonna go see my agent.
Joey: (mocks him, in a whiney voice) look both ways before you cross the street. (Turns and walks headlong into the closed door.)
Ross: I knew all I had to do was let the material speak for itself. Everyones all, "Ross you have to be funny and sexy." Well, I proved them wrong! And now, Im gonna pass the news onto Joey and Chandler.
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Theatrical Agency, Joey is there to see his agent.]
Joey: (entering) Hey Estelle, listen
Estelle: Well! Well! Well! Joey Tribbiani! So you came back huh? They think they can do better but they all come crawling back to Estelle!
Joey: What are you talkin about? I never left you! Youve always been my agent!
Joey: Yeah!
Joey: Estelle, you gotta get me some work. I-I lost my health insurance.
Joey: Why?
Joey: Bastard!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters to find Joey lying in the fetus position on the floor.]
Joey: (in obvious pain) Hey! So Estelle lined up a bunch of auditions for me tomorrow and Ill have my health insurance back in no time.
Joey: What?!
Joey: Nothing! Well, I-I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before, then I uh passed out and uh, havent been able to stand up since. But um, I dont think its anything serious.
Joey: No way! Kay look, if I have to go to the doctor for anything its gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach! (Rolls over and shows Chandler.)
Joey: Why did I have to start working out again? (Looks at the weights he was using.) Damn you 15s!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading on the couch while Joey, still suffering from his hernia, is returning with coffee for them both. After a series of grunts and groans he manages to painfully walk back from the counter, sit down, and slide Chandler his coffee.]
Chandler: Hey, will you grab me a cruller? (Joey starts to groan and get up.) Sit down! Will you go to the hospital?!
Joey: Dude! Hernia operations cost like, a lot probably. Besides its getting darker and more painful, that means its healing.
Joey: Thank you, but it would take me forever to pay you that money back and I dont want that hanging over my head. Okay? Besides, as soon as my insurance kicks in I can get all the free operations I want! Yeah, Im thinking Ill probably start with that laser eye surgery too.
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Oh Joeys got a really bad hernia, but thats nothing a little laser eye surgery wont fix!
Joey: Look, Im telling you if I put my hand on my stomach right here (He puts his hand down his pants, like Al Bundy on Married With Children always used to do.) it doesnt hurt that bad.
Joey: Sure, now Im scared.
Joey: Yeah, but I dont wanna die!
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Joey: (in a gravely, painful voice) Okay. "Hey, Timmy, Ive got a surprise for you."
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, Ill justhold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, Ive got a surprise for you!"
(Joey pulls his hand out and reverts back to intense pain.)
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
Joey: So thats why I feed my dog Purina One! Pick up a bag today! (He turns, looks at the bag and realizes he wont be able to pick it up.)
Joey: Exactly.
Joey: Or, I could just point to it! Huh? Blah, blah, blah, Purina One, point to a bag today. (She just looks at him.) I didnt get it, did I?
Joey: Yeah, okay. (Leaves)
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is entering.]
Joey: Hi. Im Joey Tribbiani; Im here to audition for (Groans) man.
Joey: Yes!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey has won the part of dying man and is now able to play the role he was injured for. Chandler is helping to carry him in.]
Joey: (barely audible through the pain) Thank you.
Joey: Yeah! And hey, thanks for coming with me. And thanks again for helping me take a shower.
Joey: (to the director) Hiya!
The Director: Hey Joey, were ready for ya! (Joey stumbles over) Joey, this is Alex hes going to be playing your son.
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)
The Director: Okay. (to Alex) All right uh, Alex now when Joey says his line, "Take good care of your Momma son," thats your cue to cry. Got it? (Alex nods yes.) All right, lets do this.
(Joey lies down on the gurney.)
Joey: "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex just looks at him and the director motions for him to continue so he tries it again.) "Take could care of your Momma son." (Alex does nothing.) "Come on son! Your Mommas good people!"
Joey: Ah, just one thing umm, is it all right with you if I, if I scream right up until you say action?
Joey: Okay. (Starts screaming.)
Joey: (he stops screaming at action) "Take good care of your Momma son." (Again Alex does nothing.)
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is holding a football helmet; and apparently, in a rather disgusting scene, Joey wants Phoebe to beat him senseless. (Luckily it isnt a long trip.) Because hes made a miraculous recovery from his hernia and wants to take advantage of all those free surgeries he can get now since hes re-established his health insurance.]
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You just take a big, big swing. Now, dont hold back. (He dons his protective helmet (Why, I have no clue.) and Phoebe picks up a wooden baseball bat and starts to swing as Chandler and Monica enter.)
Joey: Hey-hey-hey!
Phoebe: Were just celebrating that Joey got his health insurance back.
Joey: Rach, these are for you.
Joey: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
Joey: Uh-huh.
Joey: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, and Joey are there as Ross enters with Phoebe.]
(Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.)
Phoebe: Dont be so negative! Good God! Isnt it possible that Sorry is sitting in there (Joey and Rachels apartment) right now?!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]
Joey: Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
Joey: No dude, you gotta hold your breath until youre ready to answer the question.
[Scene: Central Perk, They are returning from the rugby game, Joey and Emily are carrying Ross.]
Joey: No! No, I quit a long time ago. (Pause) Did I forget to you that one? Im sorry.
Joey: Hey, you know, some of those are pretty hard! Like why would there be a ghost in my fridge? (pause). Yeah!
Joey: Hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?
[Scene: Coffee place, Joey is there, Chandler is entering]
[Another set of flashbacks begin with Episode 521: The One With The Ball, Joey and Ross are throwing a ball around.]
Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I dontWhoa!! (Winces in pain.)
Joey: Hey! Sleeping beauty!
Joey: Hey. So where's Mon?
Joey and Chandler: Hi.
Joey: And you're not helping?
Joey: Yeah, you too.
Molly: Nice to meet you guys (to Chandler and Joey).
Rachel: And Joey?
Mac: (on TV) Well, if we learned one thing today C.H.E.E.S.E. is that cheerleaders and high explosives dont mix. (Cut to Joey laughing while Rachel, Chandler, and Monica arent amused.)
Joey: How do you think she's doing?
Joey: (reacting first by jumping up) Dude! What the hell are you doing?! God! (Heads for his room leaving Ross.)
(Treeger leaves, and Joeys dances off.)
Joey: Sure.
[Scene: Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey]
Joey: Man, I wish I had a nanny like you.
Chandler: Looks like Joey is doing allright with her.
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Well of course I do! But yknow, favorite returning character is a tough category Joey. I mean youre up against the guy who survived his own cremation.
Joey: Yes!
Joey: Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more!
Joey: Well, I didnt realize until I got home. I wasnt gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe! Yknow what? Im gonna go find that guys car and leave a note on the windshield. (Goes to do so.)
Joey: For a walk.
(Joey falls on floor and gets up)
Joey: So you uh, have a big work problem?
(Joey comes over)
Joey: Oh ... (Starts to sing) Happy birth ... (sees Molly leaving) oh, see you later (runs after Molly)
Joey: Hey Rach, so can I sing happy birthday to you now?
Ross: Where the hell are Joey and Molly? I asked you to watch them.
Joey: Molly ... people don't study acting ...
[Scene: Ross's place, Molly and Joey are talking on the couch]
Joey: Oh, I didn't go to college.
Joey: Ok (admits)
(Ross and Chandler walk in, Joey looks disappointed)
Joey: I wanna be mr. Wigglemunch. (and makes a "there" nod to Ross)
Ross: Ok ... (they leave the room, long pause) Well, uh, Joey, I guess we have no problem.
Joey: Well Id be scared of them, but all right.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.]
Joey: Boy I tell ya, this little talent came in handy before I could afford porn.
Joey: (entering) (He clears his throat to get their attention.) Hey, Rach? Sorry to interrupt but umm, Phoebe wanted me to talk to you about a trip or something.
Joey: On...?
Joey: Oh man! I have to get those done too?!
Joey: Ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out!
Joey and Chandler: (start to sing) Hey! Happy birthday ...
Joey: (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous.
Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesnt get it?
Joey: Oh good...
Joey: Chandler Bing.
Joey: OK Thanks.(Joey touches the hot wax). I touched the stuff
Joey: Thanks. Do you get a lot of guys in here?
Joey: All right let's just do this.
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.]
Joey: (dejected) Yeah, all right. (Thinks of something.) Ooh! (He quickly runs out before anyone can stop him.)
Joey: Oh-oh-oh, yeah! (He grabs some towels and takes them to him.) That's right, you take good care of those babies!
Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma.
Joey: (sitting on the sofa in front of the tv) Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing.
Joey: Hey, I need your help.
Joey: No! No, I-I just wanna thank you guys for what you did for my parents, that was really sweet. Theyre so happy they get to be a part of your special day.
Joey: What the hell am I supposed to do!
Joey: What, what.
Joey: (upset) Will the stable boy never get the princess??
Joey: Oh my God!
Ross: (To Joey) I know, I wasnt finished. (Joey motions him to finish.) (Yelling at the street) But dont worry! Were gonna go down the fire escape!!
Joey: Thank you so much.
Joey: Comb my eyelashes.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They look great! They look great! How you doing!
Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?
Chandler: it was like the Algonquin kids table. (They all laugh, but Joey only laughs not to be left out.)
Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin? (Starts digging in.)
Phoebe: (entering with an aquarium covered by a towel) Hey, Joey, I got you another present. (She puts it on the counter)
Joey: Hey!
Joey: Your eyebrows look weird.
Joey: Morning, roomie!
Joey: Ha, oh, of course.
Joey: No, hey, it's been great.
Joey: Wow! So, how are you?
Joey: Really?
Joey: Wow, really?
Joey: Well, actually it...
Joey: Ooh, names?
Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.
Joey: Did-did it make you wanna walk around in your underwear?
(They clink glasses and take a drink. Ross likes it, Joey hates it. Then Ross sees Joey hating it, mimics he hates it as well.)
Joey: Why are they doing this?
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters.]