words in movies
Joey: (To Ross) What is the matter with you?!
Joey: Oh sorry, I hear divorce I immediately go to Ross. (To Rachel) Who-whos Barry and Mindy?
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasnt he cheating on you with her?
Joey: (starts to imagine it) I cant. I keep seeing it the good way.
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, theres Carol again!
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Joey: So Monica, still going out with Dr. Boring huh?
Joey: (not impressed) Wow!!
Joey: Oh dear God, let me think. (Starts to sarcastically think about it.)
Joey: Hey.
Joey: Hey man, look sorry about that Archie thing. Do uh, do you need me to give you some money?
Joey: Really?
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Joey: Thats an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Monica: No Joey! Chandler could be your assistant! See, he could answer all of your fan mail and stuff!
Joey: Thats great! That would be great! Lets do that!
Joey: Oh right great! Welcome aboard!
Joey: All right! Now hey, I need to use the bathroom. Since I dont need any assistance in there, take a break!
(As Joey goes to the bathroom, Corporate Phoebe enters. Shes wearing a business suit and carrying a briefcase.)
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Ross: Sometimes, you should come over (Joey returns from the bathroom) sometime! Ill play you one of my other
Rachel: (interrupting him and seeing Joey) Oh my God! Joey Tribbiani from Days of Our Lives, just walked in here!
Monica: (getting up) Joey!
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
Joey: (shaking Rachels hand) Hi!
Joey: Well, its always nice to meet the fans.
Joey: (turning and whispering to Monica) Shes not crazy is she?
Joey: (To Rachel) So uh, how you doin?
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Joey: All right, heres a list of things for you to do today. Man, this going to be so great! Thank you so much! All right, I got to go to work Im delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine! (Exits.)
Monica: Sorry. So hows it going with Joey?
Joey: (entering) Hey! Is uh, is she gonna be all right?
Joey: Oh great. (Starts to go in.) (To Chandler) Hey! Go take off those pants, they look ready!
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is showing Rachel around the set.]
Joey: All right, and over there is Bradys Pub where I like to unwind after a long day of surgeoning.
Joey: Well, that is a large piece of television equipment. (Points at a large piece of television equipment as an old man walks by.) And uh that is an old man! Hey old man!
Joey: All righty, what do you say we head back to my place?
Joey: Why? (In Drakes voice.) Why cant the world stop turning, just for a moment? Just for us?
Joey: Uh, yeah but uh, (In Drakes voice) I may have said those things before but, I never truly meant them. Until now.
Joey: Okay, you watch too much TV.
Joey: Thanks! (Looks at it.) Yeah, theres pulp in that. (Hands it back.)
Joey: I thought we talked about this. I dont like pulp. No pulp. Pulp isnt juice. All juice, okay?
Joey: Oh my God, Im sorry, Im being so rude. (Turns to Rachel.) Rachel, would like a soda or something? Because Chandler would run right out and get it.
Joey: (To Chandler) Iced tea.
Joey: (To Rachel) Did I not just tell him?
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Joey: (entering) Hey! Hey Chandler look, I know youre mad, but I just want to say Im sorry. I-I was a total jerk. Completely o-over the line. Uh, I just I hate pulp! Yknow? I mean, yknow how Monica feels about low fat mayonnaise?
Joey: Yeah, o-o-o-o-okay anyway, I just wanted to say Im sorry. Here. (Hands him a cup.)
Joey: Fresh squeezed orange juice, with pulp! Just the way you like it.
Monica: Hey Joey, Chandler sold a story to Archie Comics!
Joey: Oh my God! Thats great! Congratulations! Whats the story?!
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Joey: Wait a minute. That sounds a little familiar! Did they already do that one? Cause I think I read it!
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Rachel: Ohh! And Im one of them!! Wow! Oh, I just cannot believe this! I mean, Joey Tribbiani!
Rachel: Okay! (She picks up the phone, Joeys phone number, and starts to dial.) Here we go! Okay! (On phone.) Hi, Joey! Its Rachel! Umm, I am free tomorrow night. Yeah, sure, sure I can bring some sandwiches.
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do youready for a refill?
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
Joey: Pretty cool, huh? But if youre thinking you can put a fish in there and it wouldnt get sucked up into the mechanism, well youd be wrong.
Joey: Its uh, right through there. (Points.)
Rachel: Okay. (Starts to go.) God yknow, if someone told me a week ago that I would be peeing in Joey Tribbianis apartment
Joey: Yeah, lifes pretty great isnt it?
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
Rachel: Joey, youre such an amazing actor! (He smiles.) How do you know where Dr. Drake Remoray leaves off and Joey Tribbiani begins?
Joey: Well, with Dr. Drake they always tell me what to say. And with Joey, I pretty much have to make it up on my own.
Rachel: Wow! Tell me something Joey(She falls off the couch)Whoa! I just fell right off the couch there.
Joey: Yeah you did.
Joey: Here you go. Let me ask you a question.
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
Joey: Come, come here.
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
Joey: (entering) Morning!
Joey: Yeah.
Rachel: (groans) Oh God. Oh I cant believe Joey Tribbiani heard me throw up!
Joey: Well he actually saw you a little bit too.
Joey: No! No! No, not after seeing that.
Joey: Wh-why?
Joey: Thats ridiculous! Im not a "Star," just a regular famous actor.
Joey: Rachel, would you stop saying that?! Hey-hey look, remember on the show when-when Caprice was dying and she gave me
Joey: Wow! Uh okay, well uh (He gets up, opens a drawer, and pulls out the ring.)
Joey: Sure! As long as they dont find out you can keep whatever you want! And I want you to have it.
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Joey: Look, do you want the ring or not?!
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
Joey: Hey!
Joey: All right!
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Joey: (not quite sure of how to answer that) Well uh, look Ross I uh, I think Carols great and Im sure youre a very attractive man, but I .
Joey: You?
Joey: Wow!
Joey: All right! So, was it amazing?
Joey: Just okayDid you do it right?!
Joey: Huh. But still Ross, youre worst day with two women, pretty much better than any other day! Yknow what I mean?
Joey: But you got to be with both of them, right?
Joey: Not the other one?
Joey: Yeah, you dont want that.
Joey: Well hey, at least you got to see a lot of stuff, right?
Joey: You got a little bored?
Joey: Yeah? What did ya have?
Joey: Sounds good.
Rachel: Is Joey Tribbiani here?
Ross: Didnt you spend last night at Joeys?
Joey: What did they do?
Joey: Hey-hey, Ross?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.]
Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, heres the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is...
(Joey fakes a scream.)
Joey: They were in his office.
Joey: Whoa, ah!! Were you just gonna give me some lemonade?
Joey: Im telling you man, I saw it.
JOEY: Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man?
(They all cheer and Rachel, Ross and Phoebe join in for a group hug. Joey also joins, but he stands back a bit, because he is all sticky of the food on him)
Joey: Cute! This is Janice! You remember Janice?
JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."
Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]
Joey: You said number two.
Joey: Uh.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler are looking through Monica's high school yearbook]
Joey: I know. (giggles harder)
Joey: Well, now we got a reason.
Joey: Hey uh, whats a matter?
Tour Guide: Maybe its crazy in a perfect world, a world without lab coats and blazers, but you not in a perfect world, you in a museum now. See that scientist in the classes, he and I used to play together all the time in grade school, but now (Turns around) Peter! Hey, Peter! Its me Rhonda! From PS-129! I shared my puddin which you man! I gave you my Snack Pack! (to Joey) See, he pretend he dont even here me!
Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?
Joey: Yeah, she said you looked like Ingrid Bergman that day.
(Chandler and Monica enter from their room and Joey quickly hides the bag of potato chips behind his back.)
Joey: Hey-hey, Im not judging.
Erin: Okay. (Joey goes to get some coffee and Erin sits down.)
Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks shes like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.
Katie: Oh, thanks! That's so sweet! (She punches Rachel like she punched Joey.)
Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.
Joey: Hey, thats never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.]
[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
(Joey turns around and sees his face on a poster in the subway. The poster says: What Mario isn't telling you...V.D., you never know who might have it. A variety of scenes are shown with the poster displayed all over New York City.)
Joey: Ive got a science question.
Joey: Says who? Your mom?
[Scene: Joey is at the cab driver interview.]
Joey: So did that do anything for ya?
Joey: (entering) G. I. Joe! Cool! Can I play?
Monica: (to Chandler and Joey) I won the game.
Rachel, Chandler, and Joey: What?
Joey: Thank you.
Joey: Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers?
Joey: (on the tape) I'm comin' out! (He opens the door and hops out pointing the gun in all directions and then runs out of view.)
(Joey leaves for his bedroom, and Rachel grins. She then takes Gladys and enters Monica's apartment.)
JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.
Joey: Mar-klan.
JOEY: Yep, this kiss thing is defiantly a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, okay, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.
Joey: Yeah! Wow, your like from a whole other country.
Joey: I think so.
Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldnt stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, its a couple weeks past its expiration date, so its got a bit of a kick.
JOEY: The Ice Capades?
Joey: What the hells the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey.
Joey: Pheebs, run!
Joey: After!!
Joey: No. Y'know how were always saying we need a place for the mail.
PHOEBE: Ok, ok, ok. Ooh, hey 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.
Monica and Joey: One-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]
Joey: What are you gonna do?
Joey: Okay.
Joey: Here you go!
(Joey throws the ball to Chandler)
Joey: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready. (After a short pause she hands him her guitar.) You really think I'm ready?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.]
Ross: Fine, fine, Rachel your with Monica, Joey youre with me.
Joey: Id seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
Chandler: And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy your bat! (Joey lowers his bat)
Joey: Hey, it's me! I'm comin' in!
Joey: Whoa, whoa, no, no, I-Im not playing with this guy, now.
Margha: Im sorry, Joey, that is my chose.
Joey: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didnt understand the question.
Chandler and Joey: What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Joey: This is great, this is great, what else, what else?
Joey: Nice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex.
Joey: This sucks, I was just up by that much!
(Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.)
Joey: (looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on the timer!
Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...
Joey: Are you kiddin? Phoebe lived on the street. Okay? Plus, shes got this crazy temper. SheShes not standing right behind me is she?
JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.
Phoebe: Hey, buddy. Hows my favorite dog, huh? Hows my favorite dog? (the dog doesnt move) Youre subdued. (to Joey) Did you give him a beer?
Joey: Fumble!
Joey: What? Me having a job?
Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff yknow, sexually?
Joey: Oh yeah.
Joey: Hey. What, what are you doing here?
Joey: Sure.
Joey: All right.
Joey: Hey listen, so whens-whens my audition? I mean I know its Thursday, but what time?
Phoebe: (walking up to Joey) Hey.
Joey: Set....hike!
Joey: Look Rach, wasnt this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff?
Joey: No! Its not okay! Its not okay at all!! Youre dead inside!!
Joey: This sucks! I didnt know I had to stay up all night before I went to this stupid sleep clinic! Im so tired!
(Chandler and Joey both laugh)
Joey: Youre smoking again?!
[Scene: Joey work, Joey is showing a guy a tree.]
Joey: Look, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know.
Chandler: Run, Joey! Run for your life! (runs out)