words in movies
[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
RACHEL: Oh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
JOEY: Uhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages.]
LIPSON: I'm sorry Mr. Geller. But ya know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
MONICA: I can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. What i-, what is she like.
CHANDLER: Oh no no no, she's a total wack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Remore.
PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing] Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike. But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner. Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too. La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
JOEY: Yeah it is. . . what?
WAITER: Oh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?
[Scene: San Diege Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping.]
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is singing.]
ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
ROSS: This is unbelievable.
JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.
ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.
ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
ERICA: Is this true?
RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
ERICA: Is all this true?
JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]
JOEY: This is amazing.
KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?
[Scene: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]
ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
MONICA: Ross, there he is.
SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...
RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he lookin'?
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?
SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?
CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.
MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.
RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.
VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
RACHEL: That is so unfair.
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?
SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.
SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.
MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.
PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.
[Scene: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]
[Marcel is driven off in a limo]
PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
Susan: Oh, hes fine. Hes fine. Its just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesnt like me.
RACHEL: Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know?� I should just . . . move on with my life.
Joey: No! (She nods no to Chandler) Because he didn't believe in my movie! Which is a big mistake because it is real! Real!
Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!
Susan: You know what your problem is? You're threatened by me.
Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.
Ross: No, this is pretty much it.
Monica: He is so amazing.
(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)
[Cut to Monica and Chandler's, Chandler and Joey are living here and Ross is writing on the Magna-Doodle when Rachel opens the door causing the door knob to hit his hand.]
Joey: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right!
[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]
Chandler: This is the New York Times.
Joey: I didnt tell him. I didnt know if you were telling people. This is back when I thought Kash was still people.
Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
Rachel: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth!
[Scene: Lydia's Room, Joey is helping her deliver.]
Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.
Ross: Okay, maybe this is so hard, because there aren't 50 states. Let me tell you something, I have 49 states, and there are no more! I-I think, I should be able to eat something.
Ross: Oh, okay, yknow what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage...
[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]
Lowell: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.
Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not til noon and he has a good (checks her watch) eleven minutes left.
Rachel: (Into microphone) Central Perk is proud to present Miss Phoebe Buffay.
(It's only when the camera cuts to Ross's apartment that we see that the TV is turned off and Ross is indeed doing a bit. He then tries to hide his smirk.)
Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is.
Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from...
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.
Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.
Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]
Joey: Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake.
Monica: Is there? Is there someone else?
Sandy: No, none at all. You need to be happy with whoever is in your home... Although if you don't mind telling me, what was your problem? Maybe it's something I can work on in the future.
Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?
Monica: No, you can't! Friends hooking up is a bad idea.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch alone working on a crossword puzzle. Gunther is there, going into the back room.]
Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrowthe dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident!
Rachel: Who is it?
Monica: Okay. (They both jump up to head for there room, but Monica stops.) But wait, we cant. My Cousin Cassie is in the guest room, were supposed to have lunch.
Monica: I can't believe Emma is still asleep!
Monica: Joey! Why is Janine not coming over for dinner?!
Monica: All right, Rachel's party is in a couple of hours and there's a lot to do. Now, Ross, you got Geller blood, you're in charge of these yahoos!
Ross: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.
Ross: Everyone, this is Julie.
Phoebe: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?
[Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, Ross is there as Chandler enters.]
ROSS: I don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquour?
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.]
Rachel: How is that the silver lining?
Monica: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, (And thats the last time for that line, no more Chandler and Joeys or Monica and Rachels, ever!) Joey and Ross are carrying the last table of Rachels. Rachel follows slowly, but is stopped by Monica.]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is balancing an aluminum can on her stomach as Ross enters.]
[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.]
Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice?
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.]
Rachel: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?
Ross: No real-, honey, really its fine, just g-go with Susan. Really, I, no, I think girls night out is a great idea. Okay, okay, bye
Rachel: How is she?
Ross: You're just jealous because you couldn't pull this off. Yeah, now if you'll excuse me (getting up and taking his coat) I have a date. (As he is walking out, everyone turns and stares at him) See? (To Joey) ALL eyes on ME!
(With his index finger he shows her how old she is. Emma also points her finger and babbles...)
(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is now out and about.]
Ross: Well, technically it seven billion years ago (Well, technically youd be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see it with all of the bright lights of New York.)
CHAN: [slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [slowly sets the cup back down] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him]. She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.
Chandler (Stands up and walks to Joey): Listen...this is really nice. Do you... (sees his chequebook) Did you write a cheque to Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?
Ross: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.
Ross: I told you it wasn�t long, but there is an amazing connection between us.
Joey: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.]
[Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.]
Joey: Are you kidding me? Im great! Yeah, Im uh; Im better than great. I am good. And now that shes gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldnt do before. Yknow? Like umm, I can walk around naked again. Yknow? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room. Right? This is uh, this is good for me. Yknow? I like being on my own, Im uh, better off this way. Im uh, a lone wolf. Yknow? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. Whats a wolf got to do to get a huh around here?! (Chandler rushes over and hugs him.)
Rachel: Oh, this is so cute.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]
Monica: Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler. Please come in.
Monica: Hey, where is everybody?
(Monica is dancing. At first she seems insecure and moves slowly, but then gets into the groove and swings her hips from side to side while holding her hands up. She then eats the last piece of pizza she was holding and again moves her hips from side to side, pushing her hands in the air in beat with the music. Her moves get more wildly while she's snapping her fingers. She loses balance and falls back onto a pink bean bag.)
Monica: That is not true!
Monica: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.
Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your friend and I didnt deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I know you.
Monica: Oh no, it is okay, I mean as long as you know that Chandler and I are also very hot and fiery, just as hot as you! I mean our flame, whew, is on fire!
(There's a knock on the door which is answered by Phoebe.)
Carol: My breast milk is gross?
Rachel: No! Shoot, Dr. Schiff what kind of question is that?!
Rachel: And the chicken pooped in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.
Joey: Hey, don't look at me. This is Ross's thing.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is putting away the wedding dress, finally.]
Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.
Monica: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the scene is continued from where we left off before the break.]
(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there ready for another poker game.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are there. Ross is trying to get the dress off Marcel.]
Chandler: You know, I can't believe you. Linda is so great! Why won't you go out with her again?
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Chandler is on the phone as Joey enters.]