words in movies
[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
COMMERCIAL VOICEOVER: Can't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
ROSS: I meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
RACHEL: Oh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbi that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.
RACHEL: Ya know, in crazy world, that means you're married.
MONICA: This wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]
CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
CHANDLER: [Joey grabs a frying pan] Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
[Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.]
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
CHANDLER: Well, you remember Cathy Bates in Misery?
CHANDLER: Hey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you lookin' at me for? He's the one who wants to boff the maniac.
PHOEBE: No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
JOEY: Yeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minites.
ERICA: Well, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Remore.
JANITOR: Meet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]
JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.
PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens!
JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.
ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?
JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?
ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.
ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]
RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]
CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care
ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]
ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]
TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.
TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.
CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.
RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?
[a voice in the background calls for makeup]
CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.
SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.
SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]
PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
[Scene: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]
JOEY: Are you naked in there?
JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]
ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]
[Marcel is driven off in a limo]
Monica: Okay, listen, there's still some of Chandler's medicine under the sink in the bathroom. Bye!
Phoebe: On how far along he's in the sex change process!
Joey: Thanks. Do you get a lot of guys in here?
Monica: (entering, in a hurry) Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside.
Monica: Rachel, its going to happen. Chandler is gonna move in here.
Rachel: Ohhh well. Yknow what honey? The best thing to do to get over a guy is to start dating someone else. Oh! There is this great guy you will love at work named Bob! Hes a real up-and-comer in Human Resources.
Phoebe: Yeah you're always singing "Yummy yummy yummy, I've got love in my tummy"
Monica: Wait wait! I can't sing in front of all these people.
Joey: (sitting on the sofa in front of the tv) Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing.
Monica: "To take you to his mansion in the sky-y?"
Rachel: No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have to live here!
Monica: Honey, you�re just in time, I�m about to sing another song!
Chandler: Really? In front of all this people?
Dr. Miller: But your chin here. (She does so.) Now, you'll feel a small puff of air in each eye.
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, Joey and Monica are arranging flowers. Chandler walks in.]
Phoebe: Okay (walks out and closes the door behind her, looks up and whispers) If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you.
Amanda: Okay, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please help yourself to anything in the fridge.
Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! (Joey flings some dip onto Phoebe's dress)
Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're in the kitchen as Rachel enters.]
MONICA: Okay, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.
Cliff: Im telling you! The guy from that show was here in my room, asking me all these weird questions!
Monica: I don't know. I mean, I guess having sex in front of a baby isn't so...
Parker: Dahaaa! (Punches Chandler in the arm and he makes a face of pain.) Im going to find the mens room, be right back.
(Rachel hangs up in disgust.)
Ross: So is everybody here? I got here a little early myself. Let us begin. Now, the hydrosaurids have been unearthed in two main locations. (He moves to the map and we see why he made it to class on time, hes wearing in-line skates and hasnt taken them off.) Here. (Points to the map, somewhere in the Middle East, then spins on the skates and points to the map.) Here. (China.) Now as for the hydrosaurs
Monica: Two guys in one night? Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed.
(He walks out quickly with Emma in his arms.)
Joey: Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitchin' in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus...
[Scene: The street in front of Central Perk. Rachel and Steve are walking home from their date. Steve is sobbing.]
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again.
Joey: Youre right. Youre right. I-Ill go tell her now before Ross finds out and Ill be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet Chandler and Monica were in) if you want to check that out.
Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks across room)
Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. (She gives the sofabed a tiny push and it folds away)
Monica: I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in.
Mike: No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together?
Mike: Done it. (Phoebe becomes a little more subdued) I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.
Joey: Oo...what's in the bag?
Mike: Phoebe and I are moving in together.
Rachel: No! Yknow what? No! No! You thing was so stupid anyway, this was ridiculousWere gonna flip a coin! (Phoebe gasps.) All right?! (She flips the coin.) Heads! (Looks at the coin and grunts in disgust.)
Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Phoebe: Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See where it goes.
Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Monica: So you gave in and decided to call someone?
Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is without a doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met. (Chandler, who was almost asleep again, sits up straight in bed in an instant and can't believe what he just heard.)
Ross: wow, are you still going to move in with him?
Ross: About about sex? (Joey looks at him confused) That I hadnt had sex in months?
Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks.
RACHEL: Well, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna hear everything.
Joey: Oh, it was a lot of fun right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye!
Chandler: No, no, no-no-no. I smoked for years, then I quit. Right now, I can�t remember why. (to everyone:) You�re not allowed to smoke in this office. Not right?
Ross: Thats right! Made expressly for Val Kilmer and worn by him in the hit film that Batman film he was in.
Joey: (placing Hugsy back in the crib) There you go sweetie... (to Emma) This isn't over.
(Ross, inside the door, releases a sign of relief.� Back in the hall, Mike's cell phone rings.)
Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... (reads from the screen) "gay as the day is long"?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.� Chandler is seated in the chair and Monica stands behind the sofa.]
Phoebe: Yes. Definitely! Yes! Let's live in an apartment that we both live in! (Hugs him.)
Monica: What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon!
Monica: I'll go in there.
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; thats not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why dont we, why dont we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Rachel: Joey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Ross is in the living room covering Emma.� Rachel enters wearing a sexy dress.]
[Scene: Ross's Apartment: Ross is doing something on his laptop when Chandler walks in]
Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, its says so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I dont know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that youre a bitch.
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the couch, holding hands, while Phoebe puts milk in her coffee.]
Mike: It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place?
Monica: Great. So the ball is in his court?
Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?
Joey: Nah, its okay. Right, Gunther? (Winks at him as if theyre in on a secret together.)
Ross: (coming in) I'm dead and no one cares?
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there as Monica enters with the local paper that has the engagement picture in it.]
[Scene: A blackjack table, Joey is moving in to try and get his hand twin (who's dealing) to join him in his evil plot to rule the world! "Join me, and together we'll rule the universe as father and son!" (Sorry, I had a little Star Wars creep in thereOoh, I have a big spoiler for The Phantom Menace, Yoda lives at the end! Ha-ha, spoiled it! Now you don't have to see it!)]
Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this?
Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)
Ross: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen]
Phoebe: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!
Monica: Fine. (Brenda comes in to use the bathroom and adjusts her pink bra strap on the way.) Shes wearing my bra!
Monica: You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you.
Rachel: I dont know, you thought See you Saturday was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me.
Chandler: Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win?
Chandler: Thats funny, this conversations how I got the bullet hole in my head.
Rachel: You wanna go in the bedroom? Its a little more comfortable.
Rachel: Ooh, you guys, it starts in like 20 minutes.
Phoebe: Ok, well, are all the tickets in the bowl?
Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?
Ross: I can't believe this, I thought we were all in this together!
Monica: Hey, you just got in 5 minutes ago!
Joey: (in pain) Oh!
Ross: Wow! How'd you get in there?
Phoebe: ...teen! (throws in a ten-dollar bill)
Chandler: well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C!
[Scene: The hallway between the bedrooms. Ross is coming upstairs and stops between two doors. He looks at the one on the right, then he looks at the one on his left, thinks about it, and goes in the one on his right.]
Chandler: (in a mournful voice) Please, come in.
Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here?
Ross: Ok, use it in a sentence.
(Joey comes in from the back of the coffee house)
[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe is exiting Monica and Chandlers, and finds Ursula standing in the hallway smoking.]