words in movies
(Joey laughs then realizes the trick didn't work when Chandler hands him his card back.)
Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
Chandler: Weirder than watching his two moms make out? (Monica nods in agreement.)
Joey: Whoa, hey, maybe I'll go down there with ya and see if I can get an audition to play the dad. I mean who better to play Ben's father than his godfather.
Ross: You're not his godfather.
Rachel: Excuse me, can I, can I bum one of those? (He holds up his pack.) Y'know what, actually (She takes the one he's smoking and heads over to where Nancy and Kim are standing and laughing.) Okay, okay, okay, what's so funny over here?
Ross: Why should Ben step aside? It was his audition in the first place! You-you just tagged along! You're like the uh, tag-a-long dad.
Joey: At least I care about his feelings!
[Scene: Joey and Ben's audition, Joey is rehearsing his lines, uh correction, Joey is rehearsing his line.]
Joey: Yeah right! (Gets up for a refill to his snow cone.)
Joey: Yeah? Well look Ross, you don't have to. Okay? It's not your fault I suck. I mean what kind of an actor can't even say, "Hmm, noodle soup." (Nods his head in disgust.)
[Scene: The smoker's balcony, Kim and Nancy are out smoking as Chandler sticks his head out the door.]
Kim: (to Nancy) So we talked about the (Chandler sneaks closer to her cigarette) whole presentation yesterday at lunch (Closer) and he wondered if one person would be enough (Closer) to get a take on the trip (Still closer) and I said, "Yeah, absolutely!" (She's interrupted by Chandler who has reached his goal and takes a drag from her cancer stick.)
RACHEL: Oh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad?
[Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache]
Chandler: (finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore)
Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?
Joey: Well, hey! Well... (he takes his mug to toast Phoebe) Here's to Phoebe, who's found the greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... (a bit uncertain) I wanna say Mike? (pause) To Phoebe and Mike!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a screwdriver as there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.]
Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper.
Phoebe: Oh, sure! (She gets up to leave.) Bye Ross! (Whispering behind his back.) Forever.
Phoebe: Yeah. (She notices some guy putting a coat on his girlfriend is trying to remember where hes seen her before.) (To him) Youre trying to figure out where you know me from? All right, Ill give you a hint. From porn! Okay? (He tries to rush his girlfriend out.) Yeah your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie! (To Joey) See?
Rachel: Oh, y'know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness and light)
Chandler: Well, its not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Yknow? Youre doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card behind the door.) Richard? If-if youre in there, could you pass me my credit card?
CHAN: [in phone] So, Spock actually hugs his father?
Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.
[Time lapse. The gang is sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner. Chandler is at the head of the table, Mr and Mrs Geller are to his right. Joey and Ross are to his left. Monica is serving things. Phoebe is in the living room and Rachel is at the sink.]
JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions]
ROSS: C'mon, what's his name?
(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)
Rachel: When a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, what is an appropriate amount of time to wait before you make a move?
Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, thats not enough. Look, I studying kara-tay for a long time, and theres a concept you should really be familiar with. Its what the Japanese call (he holds two fingers up to his temple, and he does this every time he says this word) unagi.
Ross: (to the class) Right! So when Rigby got his samples back from the laboratory he made a startling discovery! What he believed to be igneous, was in fact sedimentary. Imagine his consternation when(sees Monica and Rachel.) Oh bloody hell.
Roy: Ok, ok, ladies! Can I have your attention, please? (pause) Did someone call for the long arm of the law? (He extends his arm from around his crotch and then upward and outward, towards Phoebe) I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon! (Puts his hands over his crotch) I hope you're familiar with the States penal code, ok, ok, enough teasing. Now for some pleasing!
Monica: You had sex in his chair?!... I said that a little too loudly, didn't I?
Ross: (chasing her, trying to zip up his pants. His got them on right now.) No, wait! Emily! No, wait, stop! Emily, please(He catches something important in the zipper and howls like a little boy and falls to the floor.)
[the guy with the pie in his hood get up to leave]
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is getting help writing his vows from Joey and Ross.]
ROSS: Ok. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!
JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?
[Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.]
Monica: When girls hang out, we dont have pillow fights in our underwear. (Chandler gets a hurt look on his face.) Im sorry. We do. We do. I dont know why I said that.
PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish?
Rachel: Okay, well then how about a handshake? (She goes to shake his hand but misses and touches his groin.) Oh God I'm sorry! Oh God, I'm sorry! I did not mean to touch thatI mean you there. There. Uhh, okay, so thank-thank you, I'm going to leave now thank you very much uh-huh, thank you soHey! I'll see you Monday! (Exits.)
MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]
[Scene: Ross's apartment, everyone but Rachel is seated around his table. The Lion Sleep Tonight plays in the background.]
Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.
(She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body too, and is at a loss for words.)
Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know?
[Ross goes over behind the guy and grabs the pie out of his hood as he leaves]
Monica: Chandler! (Joey and his grandmother shush them and wave them away, which they do.) Okay, let me get this straight, it's okay for you to flirt, but not for me.
Ross: Im trying. (He strains to move his feet.)
ROSS: Come on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. [walks in his room]
RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first word.
MONICA: His indian name?
[Cut to a hospital room set on the Days of Our Lives stage. Two nurses are standing next to a bed with a man whose face is completely covered in bandages and reading his chart.]
JOEY: Well why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline.
CHANDLER: Don't play with his things.
Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)
Joey: Right. (clears his throat) Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, c'est la pu les la lu blah bloo.
CHANDLER: Ok, good night. [walks towards his room] You big freak of nature.
CHANDLER: Ok. [reaches in his pocket]
SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.
JOEY: Man this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?
Joey: A little more, a little more. (she stuffs some more down his pants and Joey's assesses the how many there already are in there.) A little more... All right. Okay, all right, let's do this.
[Scene: Hotel's bar. Ross is running to Charlie trying not to be seen with two cocktails in his hands. She's hidden behind a huge plant]
MONICA: And his puppet too.
Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his muffin, lots of jam]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, time lapse, Chandler is fully dressed and slowly walking out of the bedroom with a distressed look on his face.]
Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN...
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is watching movers take all his stuff away.]
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Ross and Mike are sitting on the sofa.� Ross is fidgeting with the cuff of his sweater while Mike blows his cheeks out.� Ross blows a piece of fuzz from his finger.)
Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?
CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]
(Ross turns his back on Paul and makes a I hate that guy face. Paul does the same thing.)
Chandler: (to Phoebe) You know what's weird. Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
Ross: Exactly, itll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Rachel: I know. (Pause) Ross still sees his pediatrician!!! (To Ross) I don't care!
RYAN: [Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.] I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler have trading the entertainment center for the canoe. Joey is sitting in the bow, staring off into space as to envision his future full of possibilities. Chandler is sitting at the stern, staring into space and is looking at an uncertain future.]
RACHEL: Yeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.
RACH: Oh God, even his knock is boring.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.] CHAN: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday. MNCA: Why not? CHAN: Because it's Sunday. It's God's day. MNCA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop. CHAN: OK, stop. MNCA: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo. [Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.] ROSS: Hey Rach. RACH: Ahhhh. ROSS: Oh. And how was the date? RACH: Umm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine. . . [Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.]
(He now turns to the other side, which also starts spraying his face and front.)
[Scene: The Emergency Room, Ross is still going on about his first night with Carol.]
Ross: (with his mouth full) Just a second! (he fake laughs, but turns his head and starts to break down)
Joey: (under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!
Chandler: Joey? Got you a Joey Special, two pizzas! Joe? (The phone rings and he answers it) (On phone) Hello? (Takes the phone away from his mouth when he realizes what he just did and yells.) Damnit! (Back on phone.) Hello? (Listens.) No, Joeys not here right now, but I can take a message I think. (Listens) Hes still got a chance for the part?! Oh, thats great news! (Listens) Well no obviously not for the actor who was mauled by his dog. (Listens) Oh well, thats great. I will give Joey the message. Thank you! (Hangs up and goes to write the message on the Magna-Doodle.) Yes! (Reading what hes writing) Okay, Mac audition at 2:00. Allergy actor attacked. (Pause) By dog not flowers.
Joey: Okay, uh Pheebs, quick. Look! This (His video camera) is for the babies to look at someday, so is-is there anything you want to say? Y'know before it all starts?
Rachel: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. (Paulo goes into his room.)
Phoebe: Hey, that’s not fair! A person’s wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn’t have a graduation party! And I didn’t go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to “kill me” or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.( She storms out)
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
PHOE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?
Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?
(They wait for Joey to go into his room and close the door and then start making out again.)
Rachel: Well, you more then me, but he cant stay to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby.
[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Ross.]
Chandler: Kathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! (She doesn't hear him and keeps running, Chandler starts chasing her as the theme to The Mod Squad starts to play. First, a car almost hits him and then gets mustard splashed on him as he runs by a hot dog vendor.) Kathy! (He keeps running and gets tangled up in the leashes of five dogs, in desperation he throws his paper.) Fetch! Fetch it! (He frees himself and resumes the chase) Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! (He now trips and falls into a pile of garbage, he tries to get up and scream her name again but he has a piece of spinach in his mouth. He gets out of the garbage and starts crossing the street by running over the hoods of a couple of cabs.) Kathy! (He jumps in front of her and out of breath he says) Kathy.
Ross: No, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's (turns and sees his Mom standing where Rachel is)
[Scene: Chandlers office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss.]
Joey: (with food in his mouth) You talked to him. Are you crazy?
Monica: How do I tell Chandler that its too soon. Its gonna break his heart, hes not gonna think that I dont love him anymore.
CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet]
MR. GELLER: [enters with his bat] Found it.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear?
Ross: Oh! Hello uh, Mona from her restaurant. (He uses his card to mouth those words.) (Pause) Mona, wow what a, what a beautiful name.
Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.
Chandler: No. How are ya Paul? (Starts to look for his credit card.)
Chandler: (entering with his ringing phone) Joe. Joe! Answer the phone.