words in movies
Joey: Hey, imagine if I never got fired off Days Of Our Lives! (Closes his eyes to do so.) Oh-hey, theres Carol again!
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: Good-good, Im-Im married. (Shows her his ring.)
Rachel: Oh wait, dont you have to pay for your, (looks at his magazine) Busty Ladies?
Rachel: But! Dont you have to give him his money back?
Ross: Uh-huh. (Steps to a random kid nearby and hands him his money.) Hey, here you go buddy. Sorry, no porn for you. (To Rachel) Okay, lets go see Monica!
Chandler: Was his question whats more boring than him?
Monica: Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant!
Chandler: Well its kinda hard to be friends with Drake because of his busy schedule and the fact that hes not real.
Monica: Youre his bitch.
[Scene: A hospital hallway, Chandler is sitting on a gurney with his hands spread out behind his back. Then Monica comes and plops down on the gurney and one of his hands. Chandler immediately recoils in extreme pain.]
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Rachel: Oh Mon, listen I have to ask! Okay, Joey Tribbiani invited me back to his apartment, now does he do this with a lot of girls?
Dr. Wesley: (with evil dripping off his tongue) Remoray!
Joey: I know. (Joey is sitting in this tall chair that is made up of balls on polls. Youll have to see it to know what I mean.) Yeah, his name is Pat.
Joey: (climbing down from his chair) Do you uh, do youready for a refill?
Monica: Okay! (They kiss again and his beeper goes off.) Ohhh no!
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Phoebe: All better! Back to work! Except this clown from research told me I was fired. He should do his research, huh?
Rachel: Well, you might want to tell him it sounds like his wife is (whispers) gay.
Chandler: (sticking his head in the door) Okay to come in?
Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Chandler: Well I was I was exactly expecting company after (He looks at his watch.) 9:15.
Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? (Pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.)
(Ross claps his hands)
[Cut to Monica's room, Chandler tackles Joey onto her bed and tries to cover his mouth.]
(Chandler freaks out and loosens his tie.)
JOEY: Thanks for coming Mrs. Greene. [grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Mr. Greene leaves.] Well, ok, you take care.
Joey: Dude! (he opens his arms to receive the ball from Ross' hands)
Ross: Take thee, Rachel...(All his friends have looks of shock on their faces. He realizes what he said. Quickly he says.) Emily. (A slight chuckle.) Emily.
Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe) Ok... I mean...
Rachel: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!
(Cut to Monica holding up her shirt, revealing her bra. An actor stands beside her, holding a pen in his hand.)
Rachel: No, its Ross. Its Ross. You like Ross. (He just shakes his head.) Oh daddy, I hope youre okay with all of this. I mean think about it, this is a good thing. Youre gonnaThis is your first grandchild! Youre gonna be a poppy!
PHOEBE: Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mits.]
(Ross laughs and has a Come on... look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make the right (and he bends his arm to the left. Ross then bends Joey's arm to the right and Joey nods)
Joey: (shaking his head as if to say: of course not!) No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks!
Ross: No! (Slaps his hand)
Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you make your deposit?
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is playing some shoot'em up game on his laptop]
Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh?
Joey: Hey-hey-hey, if my friend says its time to go, its time to go. (Starts to leave, but comes back for his cookies.)
Rachel: And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous!
Rachel: Right! But, none of that compared to how kind and-and how gentle and thoughtful he is. (Rubbing his shoulder.)
(Joey moves close to Ross and whispers something in his ear)
Joey: (talking to a pineapple in his hand) God, you're beautiful...why are we fighting this?You know you want it to happen as much as I do.
Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his!
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is sitting on his bed and the phone rings]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is looking at the screen of his laptop, shaking his head.]
(Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection in the mirror)
(He tries to move in front of the class, only goes out of control and rolls into the hall, catching himself on the doorway with his pointer. He then pulls himself back into the room with the pointer, only he jams one end of it between the door frame and the door and breaks the pointer in half.)
[Scene: Ross's hotel room. Ross and is reading his keynote speech to Charlie from his laptop]
Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... You're - you're ruining the plan! Joey, you've - you've fixed him up with his perfect woman!
Joey: (throws down a small wad of money, and as his hand twin starts to unfold it, Joey once again brings attention to their special gift to the world. {Y'know, looking at it now, they really don't have that similar of hands. Joey's are bigger.}) Ooh-ho-ho! (The dealer stares at him and he stops.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's having his party, only he's the only guest. He gets up and puts on a nametag that says Ross, but doesn't quite like it. So he takes it off and puts on one that says Dr. Geller and he puts the Ross one underneath the Dr. Geller one. Then as he turns off the music, we hear the party for Howard raging in the apartment across the hall.]
Phoebe: No! Because hes in love with the British chippy! Look, Rachel, if you go, youre just gonna mess with his head and ruin his wedding! Yknow, its too late! You missed youre chance! Im sorry, I know this must be really hard, its over.
Chandler: I know, that, (looks at her fake chest, and loses his train of thought, temporarily) that's why I don't want to go tonight, I'm afraid I'm going to say something stupid.
Monica: Please, don't listen to Joey, okay. Would you look at him? He-hes obviously depressed. He's away from his family; he's spending Thanksgiving with strangers. What he needs right now is for you to be his friend.
Ross: I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He's puts his hand on her shoulder and she knocks it away.)
Chandler: What are you talking about? The couch is perfectly in line with the carpet. And then I can just walk over here and casually just put my feet right up on the...(Tries to rest his feet on the coffee table but they won't reach) OK, OK, here's what we do, we just uh, move the couch closer to the coffee table.
[Scene: Conference room. Ross is making his keynote speech]
Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
Chandler: She gets crazy! This scar (points to his forehead) is from Pictionary!
Phoebe: So! Ross doesnt really decorate his tree with floss, but you dont hear him complaining do you? God! (Phoebe hits her guitar which wakes up Ross with a start.)
Monica: Yeah, but he wants to talk to you before anything really happens with her. And as his friend, I mean, don't you think he deserves the same from you?
Charlie: Didn't you feel so stupid that you didn't see the signs? My fiancé was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner.
(He looks at his bedroom door, but he can't remember the name of the girl.)
Rachel: Joey, you cant let him get away with that. Ya know what, Im not going to let him get away with that. Im going to say something to himNo, I really shouldnt say anythingNo, I should say something to him. (Goes to the counter) Gunther, I want you to give Joey his job back. That is really not fair that you have to fire him
Monica: (On the phone) Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. I guess I should have known. Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge.
Joey: Good, and hey! My treat. (He turns to go into his bedroom then stops.) But that's only because you're not eating anything, right?
(Rachel, Joey and Chandler pat him on his shoulders and walk off, together with Monica)
Precious: Phoebe? Mike's ex-girlfriend Phoebe, the love of his life? That Phoebe?
Tommy: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?
Ross: (unpacking his bag) Okay, shoot!
Ross: By the way, the week before your wedding you may not see a lot of me. (She glares at him and he quickly makes his way to Phoebes room.)
(Ross smiles slightly.� Then he gives a single nod that lifts him to his feet.� He exits the coffee shop.
Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, Ive got to go memorise my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!
(Chandler looks like he did the time he swallowed the toy in 605 TOW Joey's Porsche. It's the hair in his coffee.)
Phoebe: So you dont know thats Barneys the store! That can be yknow his friends house, or a bar. Who has Barneys the store on their speed dial?
Carl: (sticking his head back in) Hey, uh can I get a little piece of that cake?
CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.
[Scene: Rosss office, hes unlocking his office door as Elizabeth walks up.]
Rachel: (To Joey) No need!! Problem solved, we are powering through (At which point she grabs his hand and pulls him back to their apartment).
(The movie starts, its a vampires lair and Buffay, The Vampire Layer enters dressed in leather and carrying a wooden stake. Suddenly, the vampire opens his coffin and sits up.
Chandler: Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day and shoves pennies up his nose.
Joey: Oh, let me get this. (He takes out his wallet, but the panties come with it. The woman and waitress are shocked.) (Realizing) (To the woman) These are for you.
Chandler: (without taking his eyes off the bra) You don't know! (Monica just smiles)
[Scene: Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados]
Monica: Absolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she stops him and rubs his head and says...) Now get out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang) Okay, Im running out of places I can touch him! Look, is there something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where theres no future? Either theyre too old, or theyre too young, and then theres Pete whos-whos crazy about me, and whos absolutely perfect for me, and theres like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like somethings wrong with me?!
Mike: that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.
Ross: (To the still half asleep Professor) Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! (hugs him whilst still on his lap)
Joey: Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! (he raises his hands and on his right one there's a Rangers foam finger)
(Joey comes out from his room, yawning)
Joey: 18, uh? (starts to prepare himself to say his "How You Doin'" line) Ross: Joey, NO!
Ross: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet." -- How did you know?
Joey: Got it! (Goes towards the front door and stands with his back to it) Hey hey hey! (to Chandler) Where do you think you're going?
Ross: Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okayand F.Y.I she mustve shown Kyle over 30 paint samples before she painted that room! And his response to each one was, "I dont give a tiny rats ass."
Monica: (beaming) Yeah! Yeah! His name is Chandler and...
[Scene: Mike's apartment. His phone rings and he picks up]
[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Hestons dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.]
Joey: Your thumb? Thats weird. (Makes a fist.) You sure youre punching right? Make a fist. (Ross just looks at him with his thumb in a cast.) Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.
Rachel: Yeah well, not anymore I can't. He fired us! What are we gonna do? We have to find a pediatrician. Wait wait, Monica said that when you guys were growing up, you really liked your doctor. What was his name?
(Dr. Geller, the man with the Ph.D. in Paleontology, is trying to find a place to hide, but this supposedly intelligent man in the hands of clich�d scriptwriters runs around with his pants down around his ankles like one of the Three Stooges.)
Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)
[Scene: Joey’s Apartment. Ross is filming his parents ]
Amy: It's his dad.
[Scene: Joey’s apartment. Rachel is in the living room and Joey comes out of his room.]
Mr. Geller: (shaking her hand) So are you his mother or his father?
Rachel: (trying to divert his attention from the window by jumping up and down) HI!! Hi!
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Chandler: It's ok, it's ok. You know what? (Takes out his mobile) I'll just call the agency and tell them to throw out the letter. (starts dialing)
Rachel: (She considers it for a second) Yeah okay. (She puts her hands around his neck and they start kissing again)
[Scene: Rachels bedroom, shes pacing as Ross knocks on her door and opens it a little to stick his hands in.]
Joey: Well whats complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance. You go past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey; you yank his tail and boom! Youre in Paradise Pond!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is dancing around his living room as Phoebe enters, catching and startling him.]
Ross: (Rolls his eyes) I guess!
Chandler: You look beautiful mom. (His dad clears his throat.) You look beautiful too dad. I love you both. (He kisses his dad on the cheek) Im so glad you here. (He kisses his mom.)
Joey: (very angry) You wanna know wh...? You wanna know why? (goes back into his room)