words in movies
Joey: Ohh-oh, wasnt he cheating on you with her?
Rachel: Yeah, but that just means that he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.
Rachel: Well, apparently she caught him cheating on her with someone else. Isnt that sad? (Giggles.) God, could you imagine if I actually married him?! I mean how different would my life be?
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Ross: (recognizing her) Oh my God! Rachel Green?
Ross: Good-good, Im-Im married. (Shows her his ring.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Monica's Boyfriend: (kisses her) Okay.
Joey: Thats an idea! (To Chandler) Hey, if I hired an assistant, would-would you take money from her?
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Monica: (gets up and gasps) Oh my God! Rachel!! (Rachel is stunned to see that her long lost friend is still fat.) (Monica goes over and gives Rachel a big bear hug, which is quite easy for her.) You look terrific!
Ross: And thats Phoebe over there! (Points to her.)
Joey: (holding a plate of what looks like Rice Crispies Treats) I know, here-here!! (Hands her the plate.)
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Phoebe: I dont know. You could tie her up, she could tie you up; you could eat stuff off each other
Phoebe: Yeah! Or too, you could be two stockbrokers and youre-youre-youre rolling around naked on the trading floor and everybodys watching! (Ross looks at her.) It never happened.
Monica: Wait a minute! (Quickly checks her pockets and pulls out ) My last Kit-Kat bar!
Ross: Come on. (Helps her into bed as her phone rings.) I got it.
(He does a kara-tay move to silence her, then answers the phone.)
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
Nurse: Youve done all you can Dr. Wesley. You have got to let her go.
Monica: (handing her a cup) Here you go sweetie.
Chandler: No, the doctors say it may kill her.
Chandler: (To Ross) But I think we should tell her.
Rachel: Pat the dog. Oh! Oh! I get it!! (Laughs and finishes her drink.)
Rachel: Oh, I probably shouldntso I will! (Joey starts making her refill and Rachel notices that rain thing Joey has.) Oh! Wow! Its like its raining!
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica is pouring wine for her boyfriend, Dr. Roger.]
Susan: (not taking her eyes off Carol) Hello Ross. (Takes off her coat and hands it to him.) I love what youve done with this space.
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Rachel is now three sheets to the wind and Joey is watching her.]
(He takes her hands in his and kisses each one, then kisses her on the lips. When the break the kiss, Rachel starts to get nauseous and throw up. Joey backs away in horror.)
Monica: I have no moves. (He moves in to kiss her and she laughs and backs away.) Okay, whatcha doin there?! (Giggles.) Oh yknow what? Im sorry, this is just too weird.
[Scene: Monicas bedroom, she has just lost her flower to Chandler.]
Rachel: But I thought that ring stood for Caprices undying love for her brother.
[Scene: Phoebes hospital room, Joey and Ross enter as Phoebe comes out of the bathroom wearing her robe.]
(She goes out into the hall and when shes there and the door is closed; she rips off her robe to reveal her work clothes.)
Phoebe: Lets go! Come on! Move it! (Grabs her coat.) Come on! (To an old man whos holding her shoes and briefcase.) Shoes! Briefcase! (Takes them both.) Thanks Lou, good luck with the gall bladder. (She leaves.)
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is returning from her disastrous attempt at an affair to find that Barry was much, much more successful with his.]
Jack: (approaches her) Phoebe, listen
Jack: Take it easy. (Sits her down.)
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Joey: Look, when everyone eats that...that...Banana-Meat thing, theyre all gonna make fun of her, do you want that?
Phoebe: (Hugging her again.) Youve lasted a whole year. Good for you.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is debriefing Rachel on her rejection earlier that day and telling her what she shouldve done. Ross and Phoebe are watching.]
Woman: I was her accountant four years ago.
[Ross goes to look in the magazine Rachel got her recipe from.]
Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)
[Joey gives her an understanding look.]
Rachel: (interrupting her) Oh Phoebe, thats a great story. Can you tell it to me when youre getting me some iced tea? (Phoebe gets up and Rachel groans.) (To the baby) Oh God, get out! Get out!! Get out!! Get out!!
Ross: You kissed her.
Rachel: Monica look! Look-look-look! Here is that table that I ordered. (Shows her the picture.)
(She turns the tree around so that her side, which is perfectly decorated, is showing)
Joey: Hey! I made that for her!
Monica: Hey, Rach! I made a pile of your stuff over on this side of the room. If you could just (Rachel grunts and throws her purse at it) throw your purses at it.
Danny: You are! (Hits her back.)
Monica: You know, they're not actually supposed to have... (Ross looks at her sheepishly) I'll work on the lumps. Joey, you're going home, right?
Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
Rachel: Ross, shes not weird, she just wants her stuff to be one of a kind.
(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)
Rachel: Thats funny. (Phoebe puts her feet up on Rosss table.)
RACH: Oh yeah, c'mon, I'm movin' on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, he can throw her through the damn thing.
Monica: Its gotta be one of a kind. Yknow like umm, yknow uh, whats that God awful ceramic fruit bowl she has on her counter?
Monica: No, the one who looked at you once because you got in her way.
Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, Im stopping now.
Monica: (entering from her room, excitedly) Im getting married today!!! (She trips and falls.) (Getting up) I think I just cracked a rib. But I dont care because todays my wedding day! My day is finally here!! (Runs back into her room.)
Ross: Wow, Monicas letting other people help decorate her tree! Did someone get her drunk again or?
(He goes to the bathroom and Phoebe puts some pepper and salt on her food. With the salt she takes a bit and throws it over her left shoulder as she faces us.)
Monica: Yeah, well you call her and tell her that yknow when we were kids her precious little Frannie tried to undress me several times, okay? And if I hadnt have stopped her, there probably wouldnt even be a wedding to go too.
CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.
Chandler: (To Monica) Yknow I think you can take her.
Monica: (steps up and points at her) All right! You and me! Lets go! Right now!
Phoebe: Ohh! Okay, Im going to have to kick her ass too.
(He takes the scissors, cuts the ribbon, shakes her hand, posses for the picture, and leaves.)
Joey: Ooh, sorry! No-no-no, so close though, butbye-bye! (He ushers her out the door.)
Chandler: I think you smell great! (He sniffs her shoulder.)
Monica: What?! Ross y'know this isnt even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if youre right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too?
Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh thats it! Thats it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh (Covers both ears and continues the massage with her elbows.)
Rachel: I cannot believe her.
Phoebe: Ya, you know, Rachel shell do whatever you want. Yknow, you can just walk all over her.
Phoebe: Ok well, before you do, I know we weren't supposed to get you going away presents, (she takes something out from her pocket) but I do have something for you.
Joey: Look weve got to find her. Phoebe just called!! Rachels coming to tell Ross she loves him!!
(Chandler motions to Monica that hell give her two babies.)
MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds up her hand with wet fingernail polish] Ross, could you turn the heat down please?
(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)
Monica: (wiping her nose) I have not been sick in over three years! (Sneezes.)
Woman: Hi, is Rachel here? Im her sister.
Ross: Whats her last name?
Jill: So who made her queen of the world?
Jill: (covers her eyes and starts crying) Im sorry Rachel, Im sorry
(They both look at her.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel's, Rachel is putting away her new clothes as Phoebe enters.]
Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket!
Joey: Oh, Oh, you're right! I don't want that. I can't date her!
Rachel: Honey, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes (Ross starts kissing her neck) Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. (they fall onto the couch)
Woman: (to her friend) He has the most amazing Porsche under there!
(Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She then tries to throw the pizza box in, but since its so big she jams it into the opening and it prevents the door from closing. She then turns around too see Mr. Treeger watching her.)
Joey: What? No-no its her birthday!
Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?! Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment. Phoebe: What's your news? Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers) Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible! Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people (defending) come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey winks at her) Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship. Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'. Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except less sex with you. (Joey nods) Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there? Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like. Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great. Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating (At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler) Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble! (Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving) Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising. Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?" Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed) I should have written it down!
Rachel: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's? (Monica looks away.) Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. (Exits.)
Rachel: Well, I used to date him, but youre still going out with her!
Ross: Okay. So well Ill umm, (To Rachel) Ill have her home by midnight.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is there as Jill enters to start her date with Ross.]
Ross: You want me to call her right now?
Phoebe: Oh my God!! (She runs after him, but sets of the security system, which locks the stores door and brings down a set of bars behind her, caging her in.) No! What?! Help me! Let me out! Now! (Points the musket at them.)
Phoebe: Eh, better her than me! Hey, lets bake cookies!
Phoebe: Yeah, think so. Oh! (She notices the tranquiliser dart has hit her in the butt and removes it) Huh. (Sways back) Whoah.
The Fan: Oh yeah! Ive seen all her movies.
Monica: Yeah, me too! (Runs and grabs her 3-ring binder of ideas.)
Chandler: Her ankle is what youre watching?
Monica: Hold on a second! What is that on her ankle?
Chandler: Shes just doing her job!
Joey: Ugh, I cannot wait to ask her out!
Ross: Of course, what happened? (Lets her in.)
Monica: Oh, Phoebe, she couldn't stop crying! With those thick glasses, her tears looked giant.
Ross: I hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life. (Rachel starts looking around and down, with a 'What the hell is going on?' look on her face.)
Rachel: Well, is Ross home? Maybe Ill just call him to see if hes actually seen her.
(Someone calls out from her apartment.)
Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, wheres my purse?
Phoebe: Look, Im talking right now! Youreyou mean her.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)
Ross: Look, I uh, I tried not to kiss her, okay?
Ross: Youre welcome. (Gently kicks her back.)
Joey: No-no, stay right there. (Monica stops and Joey flips her a pancake, which flies over her head and lands in the living room.) Gettin closer.
Joey: Yeah for like a half an hour one night! Chandler, she wants you for the rest of her life! Youre so lucky! Look what I missed out on by not being there! Although you know what? It could never have worked like you guys did, cause you guys are perfect for each other. Yknow, we look at you and-and we see you together and it just it-it fits. Yknow? And you just know its gonna last forever.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting Phoebe ready for her date.]
Chandler: (smiling) If we keep talking this way, aren't we gonna freak her out soon?
Rachel: I am jealous of her?! I mean who does she think she is?! Princess Caroline?!
(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once hes lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that hes thinking correctly...)
Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, its-its 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, Id better get cracking on this baby.
Monica: Wow! A star! (The class glares at her.) I know you all hate me and-and Im sorry, but I dont care.
Phoebe: Yknow, I bet it would actually make my grandmother very happy to know that were trying to figure out her recipe. I bet shes l-l-lookin up at us and smiling right now.
Ross: Oh, is it? Is it? Look, when Monica and I were kids, we had a dog named Rover. And, uh, one day, my dad decides, he doesn't like dogs. So Monica and her friend Phyllis take away the dog. And that was the last time we ever saw him. Don't you see? This is just like that. Only with a few details changed.
Monica: All right, big brother. (holds up two erm revealing articles of clothing) Which of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter, so your best friend would want to do her?
Ross: Look Chandler, Monica is really weird about this kind stuff all right. Believe me, I lived with her for 16 years. She is going to freak out. Oh my God, she's going to sit on you.
Mike: I'll tell her that it's over tonight at dinner. I promise.
Ross: Oh, I am sorry, did you not like her, because I was hoping that we could come to one of your kissing parties onthe balcony.
(Rachel laughs and Ross mocks her.)
Phoebe: What make you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.)
Chandler: Okay, look I need your help, I dont know what to get her for Valentines Day.