words in movies
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Monica: Maybe Joey doesnt have to give you the money, TV stars have assistants right?
Ross: Well I dont know umm, (Pause) what if we were too tie each other up? (Carols shocked and obviously doesnt like that idea.) Umm, some people eat stuff off one another. (Carol doesnt like that idea either.) Nah! Umm, yknow we-we could try dirty talk? (Carol still says no.) Umm, we could, we could have a threesome.
(Chandler tries to take it, but Monica wont let go. He tugs harder, and she still doesnt budge.)
Chandler: Well uh, Archie needs money to fix his jalopy (Joey laughs), uh but he doesnt want Reggie to just give him the money. So Reggie hires him as his assistas his butler. And then makes him do all these crazy things like bring him milkshakes that cant have lumps in them.
Ross: She doesnt know she was fired yet, does she?
Phoebe: Oh, okay I didnt get that message. So this doesnt countAnyway, Ill be in my office.
Rachel: Oh. (Doesnt believe it.)
Phoebe: Pretty big? Its huge! God, this guy doesnt have a clue! Hes just walking down the street thinking, I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock! then bam! Hes a father and everythings different.
(Joey wants to know, but Chandler doesnt want to discuss it by the chick, so he and Joey move over to the windows and away from the chick.)
Joey: That doesnt sound like thinking to me!
Ross: She doesnt know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy.
Ross: Ohh. (He drops the shoes, takes the brush from her, and licks the tip. He doesnt like how it tastes.)
Monica: I cant believe you. You still havent told that girl she doesnt have a job yet?
Chandler: Wow! She looks great. Doesnt she?
Monica: So big deal, so Joeys had a lot of girlfriends, it doesnt mean hes great in bed.
Rachel: Really? It doesnt seem desperate?
Joey: You are so the man! (motions him to come in, and he does) Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, cause my Grandma doesnt know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.
Joey: Look, its not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I dont want to live with some one who doesnt know what it is to be a friend. So, Ill see ya. (He starts to leave, but Chandler grabs his bag and stops him.)
Chandler: Maybe, she doesnt hit him all the time.
Monica: What, he doesnt like Josh?
Rachel: But, Pheebs, you can still use the copy machine where I actually work. But, just come by at lunch so my boss doesnt see you. Cause Kim will just freak out and she already doesnt like me very much.
Chandler: Okay, okay, here she comes! (Sits on the couch next to him.) How do I look? Do I look like a guy who doesnt want to get married?
Chandler: Hey, yknow what, if youre gonna do that, if youre gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesnt think so.) Oh, come on! Chandlers funny, sophisticated, and hes very loveable, once you get to know him.
Phoebe: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! Im gonna open up my own massage place and Franks gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesnt have to quit school!
Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesnt hurt? Cause how can they do that?
Chandler: Santa pants. (Phoebe still doesnt get it.) Santa Clauss pants.
Rachel: Yknow who doesnt even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesnt mean anything.
Joey: Hey, (realises he doesnt know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees its empty and starts to panic.)
Joey: Chandler, look theyre actors. Theyre there to do a job, just cause they work together, doesnt mean theyre gonna get together. I mean just cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesnt mean its gonna happen with them.
Chandler: Yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesnt say cool anymore.
Rachel: (crying) No. I cant, youre a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just cant stop picturing with her, I cant, (Ross stands up and backs away) it doesnt matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. Its just changed, everything. Forever.
Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You dont know! What if he doesnt make it?!
Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesnt? Hes such a good duck.
Phoebe: Hey, Joey! Hey! Ooh! Ooh! I just say someone on thethat looks just like you on the subway. And I was gonna go over and say hi! but then I figured, he doesnt care if he looks like you.
Ross: Um-hmm! Doesnt that sound delicious at the last minute?
Phoebe: Oh no, Ross doesnt know anything.
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Monica: Okay, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesnt show up by then, then just come on home.
(He looks to Chandler, who doesnt have a clue.)
Rachel: Come on see, she doesnt look that bad.
Monica: All right! Okay, its just Phoebe. Wills still on a diet, Chandler doesnt eat Thanksgiving food, and Rachels having her aversion to poultry.
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Emily: And that big bloke with the beard, he has got a trick hip. Yeah. And uh, and David over there, I heard he doesnt wear a cup.
Ross: To be fair, he doesnt seem to be impersonating Fonzie
Joey: I dont get it! It was in my room all night! And if she didnt take it, and I didnt take it; and you (Chandler) didnt take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! Were trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realise it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesnt get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)
Chandler: It just doesnt feel like were breaking up.
Rachel: Phoebe, Im going to Rosss wedding because he is my ex-boyfriend and that would be really uncomfortable. Not because, Im still in love with him! I mean, hey, yknow, I like Ross as much as the next guy, yknow? Clearly I have feelings for him, but feelings dont mean love! I mean, I still have loving feelings for Ross. Yeah! But, I have, I have continuing feelings of love, but that doesnt mean that-that Im still in love with him. Yknow? I-I have sexual feelings for him, but I do love himOhh! Oh my God! Oh mywhy didnt you tell me?!!
Joey: Doesnt seem like it's going to work, I mean
Monica: Were not gonna have sex! Okay, nothings changed here. He still doesnt want children and I still do, so thats why were just gonna be friends.
Joey: Well, I figured were in another country, so it doesnt count.
Rachel: Look he doesnt have any brothers or sisters, somebodys gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I havent taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesnt know anyway!
Joey: It-it doesnt?
Monica: Wait, Joey! Joey! That doesnt mean that-that you're in love with me!
Joey: Do you know how hard this is gonna be on him when he doesnt get it?
Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, Hey, the bell doesnt dismiss you, I dismiss you.
Monica: No, no its going to be great. Really! Mom, Dad, when I got married, one of the things that made me sure I could do it was the amazing example the two of you set for me. For that and so many other things I want to say thank you. I know I probably dont say it enough, but I love you. (Pretends to cry hoping her parents will join her.) When I look around this room, Im-Im saddened by the thought of those who could not be here with us. Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so want to be here, but she cant because shes dead. As is our dog Chi-Chi. I mean look how cute she is. (Holds up the picture and pretends to cry again). Was. (To an old man by the stage.) Do me a favor and pass this to my parents. Remember shes dead. Okay, her and Nana, gone. Wow! Hey does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say goodbye to her children in Terms of Endearment? (Chandler covers his ears) Didnt see that? No movie fans?! You want to hear something sad? The other day I was watching 60 Minutes these orphans in Romania, who have been so neglected, they were incapable of love. (Waits for people to cry, but doesnt get any tears.) You people are made of stone! Heres to mom and dad! Whatever!
Phoebe: Y'know what, it doesnt matter what you say it's not gonna make a difference anyway, so you can just go.
Phoebe: Oh, well, it doesnt have a nameoh, okay, Phoebeball! No, it doesnt have a name. Umm, okay, Monica, what is your favourite thing about trees?
Monica: Find some! Please! Anything that doesnt say I-I died tragically in France. (Joey leaves to find clothes.)
Rachel: No! Phoebe just because I'm alone doesnt mean I wanna walk around naked. I mean, you live alone, you don't walk around naked.
Rachel: Joey, just-just he-hes new in town and I know he doesnt have any guy friends. Just take him to like a ball game or something. Ill really appreciate it.
Phoebe: So okay what? Youre gonna be married to a girl who doesnt even know about it?!Op, woman! Sorry.
Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesnt work.
Phoebe: Thousands of times!! That doesnt make me sound too good does it?
Monica: This doesnt mean anything, does it?
Monica: It doesnt say that!
(Rachel rips off another one, revealing another hole. Rachel then moves onto a third one, but this one doesnt have a hole underneath it.)
Phoebe: Yknow it doesnt matter how much Im craving it. Yknow why Im never gonna eat meat? Because its murder, cold blooded murder.
Monica: Okay, I gotta go find Rachel but umm, if you guys see her could you please try to give her some really bad news so that mine doesnt seem so bad? (Exits.)
Rachel: Well, were a little early, the lecture doesnt end for 15 minutes.
Monica: Then youd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesnt make any sense.
Phoebe: Well, this doesnt have to be so sad though. Yknow? Maybe instead of just thinking about how much youre gonna miss each other, you should like think of the things youre not gonna miss.
Monica: This doesnt feel weird!
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why dont you take a walk? This doesnt concern you.
Rachel: Oh, Kim, Hi. (Kim doesnt even look up from her report.)
Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesnt, and if you have to even think about it...
Monica: Aw, Im sorry sweetie that she doesnt feel the same way.
Phoebe: So that story doesnt make you cry?
Rachel: Oh honey he doesnt need my help.
Joey: Okay, I guess it doesnt seem that weird.
Monica: (wiping her nose) Are you saying that you dont wanna get with this? (Tries to do a little sexy body rub, but it doesnt work all that well with the big robe.)
Elizabeth: Yknow what daddy? If you dont like Ross, thats fine. It doesnt matter to me, Im gonna go out with him anyway.
Rachel: Oh, its a tattoo! Thats weird, Phoebe doesnt Wait thats Ursula! Thats not Phoebe that is Ursula!
Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesnt look exactly like her sister.
Joey: Im sorry, it justI dont know it doesnt really look like it can do anything.
Kate: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! Youre-youre-youre the guy that doesnt know how to pour milk!!
Ross: Well if it doesnt matter to her, it doesnt matter to me! (to Paul) Still not yelling!
Rachel: Well, it doesnt sound like it! I mean, its pretty easy not to kiss someone, you just dont kiss them! See look at us, right now, not kissing!
Phoebe: That doesnt lock does it?
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, its not that common! It doesnt happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Ross: All right, you know that one was coming, but that doesnt mean you have unagi. (Does the finger thing.)
Monica: It was a mistake. Please dont take this to mean anything, because it doesnt.
Paul: Wow. What can I say? (Pause, pointing at Ross) This doesnt make me like you any better!
Chandler: No, Beth doesnt die, she doesnt die. Does she Rachel?
Chandler: I just get mad when Rachel doesnt remember where were going.
Chandler: Yes, if it really doesnt mean anything, because you know that Im just not ready
Rachel: Thats-thats great! See? I already feel like I know you a little better! Thank you. Okay, come on. Now we can go eat. Lets go. (Gets up to leave, but Paul doesnt move.)
Jill: Its probably because not mature enough. Or smart enough. Maybe he doesnt like the way I dressNo that cant be it. Its really gotta be the smart thing. Oh Im so stupid! Im just like this incredibly pretty stupid girl!
Joey: Oh, very funny. I dont know if you remember, but my audition was supposed to be Thursday. (Chandler doesnt say anything until Joey figures it out.) You got me the audition?! Lets hug it up! (They hug.)
Ross: Hey-hey, since youre the fix-it lady, heres a pickle, what do you do when the bride says she doesnt want to have the wedding at all?
Joey: Great. (He doesnt like it.) You got anything thats not Ralph Lauren?
Ross: Look lets not make a big deal out of this! It was a one time thing. It doesnt even matter!
Joey: Just casually slip it in, yknow lay the groundwork. Tell her uh, Im a lonerNo! An outlaw! Tell her she doesnt want to get mixed up with the likes of me.
Rachel: Okay, I think we can get the evaluation back before they see it, but were gonna have to get into Mr. Zelners office. Now, he doesnt get in until 10, so hes no problem, but his assistant, Betty, she comes in early to eat her breakfast at her desk.
Phoebe: So what?! That doesnt give you the right to ditch me!
(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesnt know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)