words in movies
Joey: Oh, its this big budget period movie about these three Italian brothers who come to America around the turn of the century. Its really classy! Oh, and the director is supposed to be the next, next Martin Scorcese.
[Scene: A Casting Directors Office, Joey is entering for his callback.]
The Casting Director: Hi-hi Joey.
The Casting Director: Actually, I tried to call to you. You didnt need to come down here today.
The Casting Director: Wait Joey! You didnt need to come down because the director saw your tape from yesterday and loved it.
The Casting Director: Well, the director thinks youre really right for the part and wants to meet you tomorrow.
The Casting Director: Oh and your agent said you were okay with the nudity.
The Casting Director: Terrific! Well uh, theres one more thing. Uhh, uh its really important to the director that everything in this movie is authentic. Yeah and so in your love scene with Sarah she talks about how shes never seen a naked man who wasnt Jewish. So (Laughs.)
The Casting Director: So uh well the director is insisting that whoever play that part be authentically, anatomically not Jewish. Do you know what Im saying?
The Casting Director: Okay.
The Casting Director: An Italian Catholic immigrant at this time would not be
(The casting director shakes her head.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Joey is telling Monica what the casting director was trying to get too.]
Joey: I kn-I know! I know! Okay? And apparently tomorrow when I go in to meet the director I have to take off my clothes so that they can see what my body looks like.
[Scene: The casting directors office, Joey is there to show off to the director, so to speak.]
The Director: Yeah.
The Director: Oh thats great! Okay, well Ive heard everything I need to hear. I just need to uh, Leslie
The Casting Director: Joey, this is awkward part.
Joey: Oh! Hey right! Not a problem. (He starts taking off his clothes.) I totally understand. You need to yknow make sure I dont have any horrible scars or tattoos. Dont you worry; I have nothing to hide. (He drops his pants and stands back up and looks down.) So there you go, thats me. (We cut to a camera angle looking at the casting director and movie director through Joeys legs.) One hundred percent natural! (Suddenly, theres a thud as something falls off.) (Everyone is shocked.) I tell ya, that has never happened before.
The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)
The Director: (entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah-la-la-la Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.
The Director: Look Joey, theres nothing I can do. Besides, youre probably gonna be out by four anyway. Weve just got one short scene. Its just you and Richard, and God knows hes a pro. Youll be fine. (Walks away and sees Richard entering.) Morning Richard.
Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.
The Casting Director: Y'know, that's-that's fine, but the line is, "Hmm, soup."
Joey: Well, Estelle tried, you know. The casting director told her that I missed my chance.
Director: Aw come on Joey, it's easy. Y'know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (very quickly, Joey watches stunned) up, pas de bouree, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!
Director: Let's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off.
[Scene: Casting Director #2s office, Joey is on his second audition. This one is for Purina One Dog Chow, an actual item. Please note the gratuitous product placement.]
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! Its you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)
Director: No, that was clenching.
Director: Joey, all the roles got to dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake.
The Director: Still rolling, annnnd action!
The Director: Kate Millers awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is (stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, youve ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my Mothers crab cakes! (starts to leave) Excuse me!!
[Scene: Casting Director #1s office, Joey is on his first audition. His partner is an 8-year-old boy.]
Director: Lose the robe.
Director: That would work.
Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me!
Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)
Director: I dont see it. (To Janine) You are dancing with the tall guy over there. Tall guy, raise your hand! (He does. Janine goes over to him.)
Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.
Casting Director No. 2: Name?
Joey: Pheebs, you can't do that. The casting director doesn't talk to friends, she only talks to agents.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
DIRECTOR: Cut.
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
JOEY: Incredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
Director: All right, let's do it!
Director: Have fun.
Director: Lovely, just lovely.
Director: Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
Director: No, no, no. What was that?
Director: Well, people!
The Director: Joe. Hows it going?
The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, hes good looking.
The Director: Yes?
The Director: (stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
The Director: You ready to go?
The Director: (leaning in) Kate?
The Director: (to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (he walks away)
The Director: (returning) Okay, Im afraid to say this, but lets pick it up where we left off.
Director: Ah Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.
The Director: You guys make me fly! High! Okay, were gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
Director: Okay, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
Director: Listen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and show them the combination.
The Director: All right, its time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)
Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)
Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)
Stage Director: This will be your phone.
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
The Assistant Director: (to another actor) Richard? Were ready for you. (Richard approaches.) Joey Tribbiani? This is Richard Crosby hes playing Vincent.
Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the phones.
The Casting Director: (stopping him) I'm sorry. Could you, could you try it without the purse?
The Casting Director: Okay! Thank you! That was great!
The Casting Director: Any time you're ready, Joey.
The Casting Director: Sure. What?
The Casting Director: Okay, anytime.
The Casting Director: I think we've seen enough!
The Casting Director: All right, let's try one.
The Casting Director: Hmm, noodle soup.
The Casting Director: Okay. Let's do it again.
The Casting Director: Y'know what? We need to move on.
The Casting Director: Is there a problem?
The Casting Director: (entering) Okay, Raymond, Joey you're up.
Chandler: Hey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, whos boss.
Rachel: Anyway, I'm going to be the coordinator of the woman's collection, I'll work right under the director, it's the perfect, perfect job for me!
Casting Director #1: Whenever youre ready.
Casting Director #1: Oh my God!!
Director: (To Cameraman) Make sure you get this, theyre gonna want it for the bloopers show. (To everyone) Alright cut! Listen up everyone, when we start again its gonna be the countdown to new years, so I wanna see everybodys excitement.
Casting Director #3: You mean dying man?
The Director: All right, from the top.
The Director: And Action!
The Director: All right! Lets try this again! You ready Joe?
The Casting Director: Okay, uh well, let's try one. Whenever you guys are ready. (Some dude puts down a couple bowls of soup in front of them.)
Casting Director #1: Hold it. Im sorry, the surprise is a new swing set, if you could play it a little less intense?
Joey: Hi Alex! (to the director) And uh, as you can see my hands are not in my pants. (Holds them both up.)
Casting Director #2: No.
Casting Director #2: No, the line is pick a bag, so you need to pick up the bag.
[Scene: Casting Director #3s office, Joey is entering.]
The Director: Uh sure.
The Director: Action!
The Director: Cut!!!!!!!!!! (Joey starts screaming again.)
Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.
Director: OK, everyone gather up.
The Casting Director: Okayyyy! Anddd, go!
Director: (To Joey) Okay, youre dancing with that girl over there.
Director: Heres whats gonna happen. The musics gonna start, youre gonna dance, were gonna tape, you dont look at the camera. Any questions?
Director: Okay, everybody hold!
Director: Really, ythink so? I dont..
[Scene: Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination.]
(The director shakes his head.)
Director: Whats going on over here?
(The director pushes the Tall Guy away)