words in movies
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are getting ready for the flight to London and Monica comes running in.]
Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. Thats a lot of Monica.
Joey: Its all London, baby! Here we go. (He takes a picture of a less than enthused Chandler and starts towards the girls apartment.)
Chandler: You got your passport?
(Chandler glares at him. At first Joey doesnt know why, it takes him a little bit to figure it out.)
Chandler: There it is.
Chandler: (entering, with Joey) All right! Lets do it!
Chandler: Okay, cause thats not gonna get annoying.
Chandler: Hey, yknow what? I was wrong.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, Chandler I wanna hug you too!
Chandler: Hey! (Trots over)
Chandler: Oh. (Goes and gets Phoebes book as Rachel comes in from her room.)
Chandler: (entering, with Phoebes book.) Here you go Phoebe! Here you go Phobo! Phewbedo! Phaybobo.
(Chandler kneels down with his arms spread waiting for his hug.
(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves its entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)
[Scene: Street in front of the London Marriott, Joey and Chandler exit. Joey is carrying a video camera and is shooting Chandler.]
Chandler: I am, Im ignoring you.
Chandler: Oh, what the hell is that?
Chandler: Okay, if you see a little version of me in there? Kill it!
Chandler: Okay. Listen-listen, were not gonna have to walk this way the entire time are we?
[Scene: Westminster Abbey, Joey and Chandler have successfully navigated the streets of London and are approaching the Abbey.]
Joey: All right! Westminster Abbey! Hands down, best Abbey Ive ever seen. Hey! (Pushes Chandler in front of the camera.) Okay. What do you think of the Abbey, Chandler?
Chandler: I think its great. Its great. Yknow, theyre thinking of changing the name of this place.
Chandler: To Put the Camera Away!!!
Joey: Man, you are Westminster Crabby. (He starts chasing Chandler towards the Abbey.)
[Scene: A park in London, Joey and Chandler walk up to a souvenir stand.]
Chandler: Well, I dont have to buy that, "Im with stupid" T-shirt anymore.
Chandler: All right, look, youre not really gonna buy that are you? Dont you think youve embarrassed me enough for one day?
Chandler: How can I answer that when Im pretending I dont know you?
Chandler: Oh really? Then how come no one here is wearing them?
Chandler: All right, look, if you insist on wearing that, in public, yknow, youre gonna spend the rest of the afternoon all by yourself.
Chandler: Okay, wait. All right, thats it, okay, Im out of here. I am not going to be embarrassed anymore! (He trips over a box, falls into a flower stand and walks away trying to be cool.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys hotel room. Chandler is watching TV as Joey returns, still wearing his hat.]
Chandler: Hey. (He nods at the hat.)
Chandler: No-no-no, yknow what? I really shouldnt have said that you were embarrassing me, I mean that really wasnt cool. And if it makes you feel any better, Ive had a really lousy day.
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: (on tape) Oh, Chandler.
Fergie: Hi Chandler! (Waves)
Chandler: Thats Thats was
Chandler: How did you? How? How?
Chandler: Im gonna go to the bathroom.
Ross: Come on. (They leave and Chandler sticks his head out.)
Chandler: That was pretty intense huh?
Chandler: (glares at him) I hope he did!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey are standing by the kitchen entrance. A waiter comes out.]
Joey: (Looking up at the waiter)Thats not food...No, I dont, no...(Taps Chandler on the shoulder.) Everything's different here...I want to go home. I...I miss my family. I miss the coffee house. I cant even remember what Phoebe looks like.
Chandler: Joey, its been three days, okay.. Your just a little homesick, Okay. Would you just try to relax. Just, just try to enjoy yourself.
Joey: (Pointing at Chandler.) Your different here too. Your mean in England. (Chandler throws his hands up to his head in frustration. They walk away from each other.)
[Scene: The Rehearsal Dinner Hall. Chandler, Joey, Ross, Emily, Monica, and all the bridal party are seated at the table. Chandler gets up to make a toast.]
Chandler: Id like to toast, Ross and Emily. Of course, my big toast will be tomorrow at the wedding, so this is kind of my little toast or Melba toast, if you will. (No one in the room laughs. He starts to get flustered.) Okay. I known Ross for a long time. In fact, I knew him when he was going out with his first girlfriend. (Ross looks embarrassed.) And I thought things were going to work out for him..Until the day he over inflated her. (He laughs. Jack looks at Judy and no one in the room laughs.) Ohh, Dear God.. (A cellular phone rings.)
Chandler: (Continuing his toast.) And Im sure were all very excited that Ross and Emily are getting married at Montgomery Hall. I mean to think, my friend getting married in Monty Hall. (No reaction from the people.) Ohh, come on!! Monty Hall!! Lets make a Deal!! Come on, you people!! All right, forget it!! Congratulations, Ross and Emily. (He sits down.)
Joey: Hey, best man number two, Joey Tribbiani. Now Im not good with the jokes like Chandler here. Boy...but ahh, I just want to say congratulation to the happy couple. I first met Ross in this coffee house back home...Home...New York City...Where everybody knows my name. Well anyway, I love you guys. (pointing at everyone.) But not as much as I love America. (Looking at Chandler.) Could we please..go home now?
[Scene: Later that evening at the rehearsal dinner. Chandler and Monica are sitting on a sofa. Chandler is covering his face in embarrassment because of the toast.]
Chandler: Out loud?
Chandler: So how are you doing?
Drunk Man: My god!! You must have been a teenage when you had him. (Monica stares straight forward after the comment. Chandler tries to console her by patting her on the shoulder.)
(Chandlers trying to console Monica.)
Chandler: The guy was hammered, okay? Theres no way, you look like Rosss mother.
Chandler: Because hes crazy. Okay? He came up to me earlier and thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic.
Chandler: Ahh, you know what? That is....Who wouldnt want you?
Chandler: (With the covers pulled up to his chin.) Morning, Ross.
Chandler: Yeah you are!!
Monica: (Comes up for below the covers and looks concerned.) Do you think he knew I was here? (Chandler quickly looks at Monica not knowing what to say.)
[Scene: Chandlers hotel room. Chandler and Monica are lying in the bed together talking. Theres an awkward air between them. They are both clutching the covers in from of them.]
Chandler: Well Ive-Ive never done that with you before.
Chandler: So, ahh, how are ya? How ya...How ya... You okay?
Chandler: Yes...Yes..Uh-huh, You?(Looking over at her. She looks back.) We did you.
Chandler: Oh yea yea, absolutely.
Chandler: I dont want to look.
(The guys hotel room. Joeys there. Chandler comes out of the bathroom in a robe.)
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: (Very defensive.) Im not seeing Monica.
Chandler: What?
Chandler: Oh my god!
Chandler: No!! Okay!! Whats with the third degree?! Why dont you just shine a light in my eyes?! (Joey looks totally confused.)
Joey: (Whispering.) Pisst, Monica. Alright, we really need to start looking out for Rachel. Ill cover the front door. You watch that big hole at the back of the building and I got Chandler covering Ross.
Monica: (Awkwardly.) Why would I care where Chandler is? You know uhh...You know sometimes I dont even like Chandler.
(Ross and chandler are standing next to the alter. Ross is practicing for the wedding.)
Chandler: Oh yea, your right. Its the second one.
(Chandler escorts Monica down the aisle.)
Chandler: What we did last night was....
Chandler: Totally crazy stupid. (He nods his head at the people seated.)
Chandler: Im coming over tonight though, right?
Chandler: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal.
Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me!
CHANDLER: Ok, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?
CHANDLER: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for?
Chandler: Yeah! It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesn't get to do what he *really* wants to do?
Chandler: Good! I havent smoked yet today, I feel great, and-and-and confident, that is a stunning blouse.
[Scene: Rachels office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from their lunch date. He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is already there.]
Chandler: No! Smokes-A-Lot Lady blew smoke directly into my mouth. Eh-uhare you okay?
Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, Im-Im happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.
Chandler: Honestly? Our apartment is a hotbed for electromagnetic activity. Now Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly you have not.
Chandler: I say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, Im not asking for me, Im I mean No, Im-Im not gay, Im not asking you out. Im not-Im not-Im not gay!
CHANDLER: Hey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doin' here?
CHANDLER: Well, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.
Phoebe: Oh Chandler! Thank God you're alive. Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute?
(He goes to open the door to his apartment, but finds it locked. As he's getting out his keys, Chandler and Monica quickly jump up from making out in the living room and run to Chandler's bedroom. The apartment has about 20 candles burning all over the place. Joey opens the door and ushers Cynthia in.)
Chandler: So you risked your life, for a sandwich!
Chandler: Man, she is really gullible.
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
Chandler: Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And I'm not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks!
Monica: You gotta go home and get the earrings that you borrowed from me okay? Chandler wants me to wear them tonight.
Chandler: Oh nothing, were just talking. Yknow, blah-blah-blah.
Joey: Seriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back!
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is sulking on the couch as Joey enters to talk with him.]
Chandler: You believe that this guy is destined for someone else and youre still gonna date him?
Monica: Yknow what? He will forgive you. And I like to bring a pad with me when I go answer the phone just in case (Chandler gets that disgusted look back.) Okay
Chandler: Yeah, what was wrong with your old human teeth.
(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)
CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
Chandler: Well, that is what happened, and I dont even see you denying this!
Joey: Now go! Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from youre secret Santa! (Chandler runs out and closes the door.)
Chandler: Uhh yeah. Yeah, its (Points down the hall) right, right down there. (When he has Bob looking down the hall, he turns around and knocks his nameplate off of his door.) Right there, yeah. Can I ask you why?
Chandler: I dont know! Joey hasnt had this much trouble getting out words since we saw him in Macbeth!
Joey: (To Monica) Okay! Look-look-look, uh, if youre gonna be moving in with him I feel its my responsibility to tell you the truth about him! Okay? Hes a terrible roommate! Terrible! He uh, forgets to umm Oh-oh he always, he always ummOh, who am I kidding! Hes the best roommate ever! (Hugs Chandler.)
CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
Ross: Uh, good news everyone, we finally found a nanny. This is Molly (points to Molly). Molly, Chandler, Joey.
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
Monica: Stop it Chandler. (Chandler is relieved) Im sorry too.
Chandler: There are snow cones! (Monica glares at him.) Snow cones! Yuck!
Chandler: Okay, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag.
Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (Its a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting at a table and Phoebe is on the couch. Chandler and Monica can be seen outside, shes lecturing him, and pushes him inside. He then nods to Rachel, and is obviously counting off the seconds in his head and then Monica makes a grand enterance.]
Chandler: Damn those robots, theyre supposed to be our faithful servants!
Chandler: Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and the big clown feet?
Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!
Chandler: Hey, I've been honing!
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here... (Joey and Chandler both realise what she's assuming and start laughing.)
Janice: (to butcher) No, thank you. (Chandler makes a sound and she notices him) Chandler!
Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
Chandler: Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period!
Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.
Chandler: I cant believe you didnt tell me! You know that the two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty!
Joey: Monicas chicken parm! Ill take care of it. (He picks up the phone) Hey Mr. Treeger, its Joey Tribbiani. Listen, I need to get into Monica and Chandlers apartment. Its an emergency. (Listens) Uhh, gas leak! Yeah oh, and bring garlic bread. (Hangs up.)
Chandler: What do you think shes just gonna sit there quietly? You dont think shes gonna want to make a toast? You dont think shes gonna want to grab the microphone and sing Part-time Lover?!
Kid: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (Ross looks at Chandler for help.)
Chandler: Okay, so this isnt a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first kiss with with this lady. Which by the look on your face Im sure youll remember. So we dont need(Rips the picture)Theres no need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and get them developed right now.
Chandler: Look (hands him a drink) it was a lo-o-ong time ago.
Chandler: Yeah, I'm fine. (trying to cover up what he is saying) I'm trppd in an ATM vstbl wth Jll Gdcr.
Phoebe: That was the best part? (To Chandler) Good honeymooning tiger.
Chandler: Guys! Guys! Come on! Its Thanksgiving, its not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!
Chandler: Yes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth.
Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?
Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
Chandler: Oh, yes. I decided to leave these out for you in case Richard stops by and you wanna engage on a little light bondage and moustache play!
Joey: (approaches, wearing his glasses) Hey you guys, check it out. Check it out. (Moves his hand towards and away from his face.) It's like it's coming right at me. (Chandler helps out a little bit by pushing on Joey's arm, which causes his hand to slap him in his face.)
Chandler: I drew my own bath, but I did it wrong! The waters tepid. The salt didnt dissolve and is now lodged places. And the scents I used dont compliment each other. Eucalyptus and chamomileOh!
Chandler: (finds his money) Ahh-hahaha! (Turns around to give the Maitre d' his money, but he isn't there anymore)
Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?
Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.
Chandler: Yeah, well I dont think you can make that statement, unless youve been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.
Gary: Listen Chandler, the way I see it is that I was lucky enough to find someone that I really love. I justI wanna be around her as much as I can.
Chandler: Well, I try to y'know, squeeze things. (Phoebe giggles uncontrollably.) Are you okay?
Chandler: (horrified) Wait! You look? You-you massaged me.
Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed."
Chandler: Erica, please. Just consider us. Ask them to see our file. Our last name's Bing. My wife's a chef and I'm in advertising.
Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?
Joey: Oh come on! Just pick one! Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross if you had to, if you had to, who would you punch?
Chandler: Okay, y'know, we-we're safe right? I mean nothing bad can go down!
Chandler: So ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class.
Chandler: (imitating Monica) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!
Joey: (simulating an echo) Ten, ten.., nine, nine, nine...., eight, eight, eight... (Chandler hits him in the back of the head) Okay, Blast off!
[Scene: The Jewelry Store, Chandler is entering with his credit card and Phoebe is holding out another ring for him.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Time lapse. Jack is still on the couch, picking his teeth with his feet on the table. Phoebe and Judy are sitting on the table looking at him. Ross and Chandler are sitting by the window talking. Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen fooling with Rachels trifle. Monica walks into the living room from the kitchen.]
Chandler: Whoa-wh-wh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
Rachel: So Joey I just hooked Ross and Chandler up with some tuxedos for the wedding, do you need one?
Chandler: Aww, we were worried about you! Hm. I guess I better get used to things crapping in my hand, huh?
(And with that, an era ends as Chandler moves in with Monica as Rachel moves in with Phoebe. It tis a sad and happy time for Friends.)
Chandler: Well, we're talking about sperm donors and Zack may be the guy! I mean, look, he's intelligent, he's healthy, he's athletic, I mean, he is "spermtastic"!
Chandler: To the left, to the left- aww! (They all collapse)
SCOTT: [enters] Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections.
Frank Jr.: Oh, that's Frank Jr. Jr. pulling the tampons out of the lady's purse. And that's Chandler climbing on Chandler, and that's Leslie throwing bagels at him.
Rachel: Funny, because I was just gonna go across the hall and write that on Chandler.
Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienists blouse.
Chandler: Im sorry, I guess I just like the pulp.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are eating lunch, when they start to hear a horrible screeching noise. It sounds like someone is skinning a cat.]
Monica: Why dont you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean thats what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.
Chandler: I do? (He smiles, beautifully.)
Chandler: Hey, I can be smooth. (Walks back to the Maitre d', very smoothly) Listen, we're a little bit in a hurry, so, if you can get us a table a little quicker, I'd appreciate it. (Shakes his hand)
Ross: Yeah in fact, Im gonna go call her right now. And Ill make sure to tell her my friend Chandler says (He mimics the shy reaction Chandler did.)
Erica: Oh yeah. I actually liked you guys. But it doesn't matter, because what you did was wrong. (walks away again, but Chandler catches up with her again)
Joey: Thats okay. Chandlers the one Im mad at.