words in movies
[Scene: A beauty parlour, Rachel is getting a manicure while Chandler, yes Chandler, is getting a petticure (Does that scare you that I know those terms? Well, it scares me.).]
Chandler: Y'know, I can't believe I'm getting my nails done! And you said it was gonna be fun! (pause) Which it kinda is. Also, you said there would be other guys here. There are no other guys here!
Rachel: Chandler, theres a guy right over there. (Points to the counter)
Chandler: Thats a mailman! Thats our mailman! (Waves to the mailman) (Sarcastic) Hi. How are ya?
Rachel: Chandler, dont worry! This doesnt make you any less of a guy! (Chandler starts blowing on his fingernails like women do.) That does! (Chandler stops blowing.) What am I sitting on? (She looks and finds a huge nail.) I hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
Chandler: Hey, you know who used to have nails like that?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Joey are standing at the counter. Monica is flipping a light switch on and off next to the door.]
Chandler: (entering, with Janice in tow) Hello!
Chandler: Isnt this amazing?
Janice: I just came up to say, "Hi!" Hi! (to Chandler) And you, sweetie, Ill see you tonight.
Chandler: Okay. Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Chandler: Bye.
Chandler: B-bye!
Chandler: Bye. (Finally closes the door on her.) (After its closed) I cant stand the woman! (Phoebe is shocked, Joey is relieved.)
Chandler: Yeah, I know, but all of those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? Like her voice, her laugh, her personalityWell, theyre all back! Yknow? And shes picked up like nine new ones!
Chandler: Dont worry about it. Im taking care of it tonight. (Chandler opens the fridge and grabs something to drink.)
Chandler: (standing in the door of the fridge) Well, I dont have to break up with her this time. Were not involved! Im going to do a pre-emptive strike! Im going to end it with her before it starts. My ass is like frozen! (Closes the fridge.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is attempting his pre-emptive strike.]
Chandler: Yes, I-I know that you do, but I think one of the reasons people were complaining though, was that they paid to hear the actor sing Old Man River.
Chandler: (laughs) Okay, we have to talk. Im just getting out of a very serious relationship
Chandler: Right! I just think that this is happening too soon.
Chandler: I hear ya. (Pause) But! Unfortunately, my company is transferring me overseas!
Chandler: No! No! Not, Paris.
Chandler: Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? (Thinks) Yemen. Thats right, yes, Im being transferred to Yemen!
Chandler: I dont know exactly.
Janice: Ugh, well I will just have to soak up every once of Chandler Bing until that moment comes.
Chandler: But I do know that its some time tomorrow.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are plugging in a bunch of electronics.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are watching rugby on TV as Phoebe enters.]
Chandler: Yknow uh, you didnt really have to help me pack.
Chandler: Well, I-I thought I did but, I-I guess I did not!
Chandler: Oh, Im packing. Yknow Im-Im packing cause Im moving to Yemen tomorrow.
Chandler: Im only going to pretend Im moving to Yemen, its the only way I can get rid off her.
Janice: (leaning in from the bedroom) Chandler! Come on, Im gonna show how to roll up your underwear and stuff it in your shoes. Its a real space saver.
Janice: Okay, Chandler, come on!
Chandler: (to Janice) Okay. (to Joey) Joey, trade lives with me!
Joey: All right, come on look, Ross can take care of himself! Its not like hes Chandler!
Chandler: (from his bedroom) Thanks!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachels, Monica is going over some plans as Rachel enters.]
[Scene: The airport, the Yemen Express counter, Chandler is still trying to get rid of Janice.]
Chandler: Yknow you, really didnt have to take me to the airport.
Chandler: Well, were really not that close. (Pause) Okay, so I guess this is uh, good-bye then.
Chandler: Okay. Then I guess its just, wait here then. (Hands her the sign that says, Wait Here.") (To the ticket agent) Hi. I need one fake ticket to Yemen.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no. No, no, no, I just, I just need a pretend ticket.
Chandler: What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with?
Chandler: No. All right, yknow what, shes (Points to Janice) gonna think that Im handing you a credit card, but what Im really gonna do is hand you a library card.
Chandler: (to the ticket agent) American Express?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachels, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]
Chandler: Well, I-I guess I gotta go.
Chandler: Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.
Chandler: Okay, good-bye. Good-bye.
(He gives the agent his ticket and walks onto the jetway. Janice walks over and looks out the window. Chandler walks back into the terminal and tries to walk right past Janice, but she sees him.)
Janice: Chandler?
Chandler: No!
Janice: Chandler!
Chandler: Janice! There you are! There you are! I had to have one last kiss, and also-also you said that you were going to leave right after I got on the plane!
Chandler: Well, I then guess Im going to Yemen! Im going to Yemen! (To this old woman also going to Yemen.) When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachels, Monica has finally given up on her search to find what the light switch does and is now flicking it on and off aimlessly.]
[Cut to Chandler and Joeys, Joey and Phoebe are watching TV. The TV is turning off and on, and each time Phoebe is blinking her eyes like the Genie did. The switch obviously controls the outlet which the TV is plugged into.]
[Chandler and Joey's party]
Chandler: It is going to be perfect. I am taking her to her favorite restaurant. Im going to get her a bottle of the champagne that she really loves; therefore knows how expensive it is. Then when the glasses are full, instead of proposing a toast Im just gonna propose.
[Chandler and Joey's party]
Chandler: Okay. And its not just chicks y'know? Its all kinds of other animals!
CHANDLER: I, I know. [Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.]
CHANDLER: Well, uh, Dr. Greene, where are you going?
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are there.]
CHANDLER: No.
Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow.
CHANDLER: Alright, hang on a second there Custer.
[Chandler is visibly upset]
CHANDLER: Yeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster...
CHANDLER: That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joeys, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall and the drill comes out the other side really close to Chandlers head. Chandler then rushes out to talk to Joey.]
Chandler: Why not, just because his great-grandmother was obese, our kids are gonna get that from you anyway!
CHANDLER: Had it.
Chandler: Y'know what, I think we can go out there. I mean they have more important things to worry about.
Monica: I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.) Why is that funny?
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started to fake the pictures.]
CHANDLER: Hey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.
Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?
Ross: Oh, we were helping Chandler write his vows, but he kicked us out because Joey kept making inappropriate suggestions.
Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.
CHANDLER: Weird world. Your kids?
CHANDLER: Well there you go.
CHANDLER: Really? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.
Chandler: (handing Monica the wax) Wax the door shut, were never leaving, ever.
Ross: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.
CHANDLER: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party.
Joey: Ah. (Joey walks to Chandlers bag by getting as far away from Chandlers bed as possible.)
CHANDLER: Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.
CHANDLER: Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.
CHANDLER: Kick save and... denied.
CHANDLER: Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.
CHANDLER: Well, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.
RACHEL: This is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this?
CHANDLER: Look Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?
CHANDLER: Uh, if you say so sir.
CHANDLER: Well, I'm going to kill you.
CHANDLER: Why?
CHANDLER: Hey, how's the first day goin'?
CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
CHANDLER: Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?
Chandler: No, there are great pictures of you standing next to a guy whos going like this (Makes what can only be described as a toothy frown. Henceforth, this shall be known as The Face.)
CHANDLER: Thank you.
Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.]
(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him in the hallway.)
Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.
CHANDLER: Well you know, we got to talking and uh, he said he needed a place and I had a spare room.
Chandler: Oh yeah, Dana Keystone. She was in my Movement class.
CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
Chandler: Thats not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Dont say that I dont have goals!
Chandler: I walk into a room and he wont even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.
CHANDLER: 'Cause he was just so darn cute.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rache's birthday party.]
CHANDLER: I may have.
CHANDLER: Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?
ROSS: Oh, mine too. Isn't that neat, scotch neat. Would you excuse me? [walks out in the hallway, Mr. Greene is walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment] Hey, hey, where you uh, sneakin off to mister?
(Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and starts laughing)
CHANDLER: It's like this, me, no jokes.
CHANDLER: Well, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the internet.
CHANDLER: Hey, what did your agent say?
Chandler: No! We're not borrowing money.
CHANDLER: Alright I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.
CHANDLER: Joey, no means no!
JOEY: Come on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.
CHANDLER: (shyly) It means we're holding hands.
CHANDLER: How do you not fall down more?
CHANDLER: Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.
CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.
CHANDLER: I'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep.
CHANDLER: I can't believe she's married.
Chandler: Oh well, not as lovely as you. I mean, I cant believe that you would have a thirty-year-old daughter! (To Mr. Geller) And you! I cant believe that you would have a tux thats thirty years old! (Puts his hand on Mr. Gellers shoulder.)
CHANDLER: What's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone.]
CHANDLER: What?
CHANDLER: Hey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, okay, but she's married, she has a husband.
CHANDLER: Question. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?
CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
CHANDLER: Oh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time. . . [Chandler gives him a look] except when we are here.
Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.
Chandler: Here! (Hands him one. Joey adds it up and discovers that he was right.)
CHANDLER: Ya know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross?
RACHEL: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
CHANDLER: Oh my God! (it's Janice)
CHANDLER: Alright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.
JANICE: OH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler rushes over and kisses her)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters]
Chandler: Huh. (They all leave, dejected)
Chandler: Morning.
Ross: Ohh! Okay! Okay. (Resumes reading word for word from the card) "There are three (pauses and looks at Joey) primary theories concerning sediment flow rate. (Pauses and darts his eyes between Chandler and Rachel.) (Rachel starts laughing) Each of these theories (glances at Phoebe) can be further subcategorized (glances at Chandler) into "
Chandler: Yeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom]
Chandler: Nope, not this time.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. She makes me happy.
CHANDLER: Hey, you feelin' better?
Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to marriage?