words in movies
Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?
(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)
Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.
Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?
Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!
Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'
Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.
Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.
Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.
Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?
Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!
Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.
(The gang turn to look at Chandler)
Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.
[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]
Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.
Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.
Chandler: I know I am.
Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gownit's Ross.]
Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?
Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?
(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)
Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?
Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]
Chandler: Oh my God.
Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?
Chandler: What?
Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?
Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!
Chandler: (To Ross) I can't believe this! What the hell were you thinking?
Chandler: Y'know, of all my friends, no-one knows the crap I go through with my mom more than you.
Chandler: I can't believe you did this. (Walks toward the door)
Chandler: I'm still mad at you for not telling me.
Chandler: You gotta let me slam the door! (Leaves; slams the door)
Joey: (Shouting after him) Chandler, I didn't kiss her, he did! (To Ross) See what happens when you break the code?
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there except for Chandler. Rachel is writing something and Monica walks up.]
(Enter Chandler)
Chandler: What was that?
Chandler: Yeah, I believe I was talking to Joey, alright there, Mother-Kisser? (Goes to the counter)
Ross: Chandler, can I just say something? I-I know you're still mad at me, I just wanna say that there were two people there that night. Okay? Two sets of lips.
Chandler: Yes, well, I expect this from her. Okay? She's always been a Freudian nightmare.
Chandler: Because it's complicated, it's complex- Hey, you kissed my mom!
Chandler: That's very funny. We done now?
Chandler: That would be no. Look, just because you played tonsil tennis with my mom doesn't mean you know her. Alright? Trust me, you can't talk to her.
Ross: Okay, 'you' can't, or (Points to Chandler) you can't? (Chandler grabs his finger) Okay, that's my finger. (Chandler twists it and Ross goes down on one knee) That's, that's my knee. (To Central Perk) Still doing the play. Aaah!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's Chandler is talking with his mom.]
Chandler: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.
Chandler: You kissed my best Ross! ...Or something to that effect.
Chandler: Really stupid.
Chandler: Yeah. No. No...
[Cut to the hallway, Joey is listening to Chandler and his mom's conversation through the door as Ross walks up.]
(Joey runs off down the hall. Ross tries Monica and Rachel's apartment, but it is locked so he has to stand in the hall and pretend he wasn't listening. Chandler and his mom come out)
Chandler: Yeah, okay.
Chandler: Nice save.
Chandler: Hey.
Chandler: Yeah, why not. (They shake hands) So I told her.
Chandler: Awful. Awful. Couldn'ta gone worse.
Chandler: Pretty good! I told her.
Ross: Well, see? So, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea, y'know, me kissing your mom, uh? Huh? (Wags his finger at Chandler, then puts it down) But.. we don't have to go down that road.
Chandler: Oh, you're definately not. I haven't cried like that in years.
[Scene: Monica's apartment continued... Phoebe, Chandler, Monica and Joey are sitting down and Ross is pacing up and down.]
Chandler: I know. See, yes. Thats Yasmine Bleeth, shes a completely different kind of chick. I love you both. But in very different ways.
Chandler: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor projects!
Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.
Chandler: And Milton Berle has a
Janice: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!
CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. [Joey gets a sheepish look] You used my toothbrush?
Chandler: Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day.
Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
Monica and Chandler: OH GOD NO! Nope, no, no, no. No! No, no. Nope! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO! (finally Monica concludes) No!
All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he goes off to talk to Emily in private.)
Chandler: Why would she use them with Richard and not me? I can be kinky! I once did a naked dance for her... with scarves!
Monica: Yeah. But a part of me also cant wait til its over. Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex again until the wedding.
[Scene: Guest room. Joey has his head wrapped in bubbled wrap and Chandler is punching him. Ross enters the room.]
Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)
Chandler: Will we love it so much with her next door? And she's gonna be louder out here too. Just the crickets and (apes Janice's voice) "Oh My God"!
Chandler: Really? Struck down in the pribe of libe!
CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.
(Chandler steps off the altar to greet his bride-to-be.)
Joey: Yeah. Well, so far yeah. But it's tough you know? I got all this built up flirting energy and I don't know how to get rid of it. (Gives Chandler the "Joey-love," look.) How you doin?
Chandler: Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! (Walks backwards towards the door) I cant, I cant hear you. (He runs out)
Phoebe: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it wont work out.
Chandler: Well, its just the reason that Im asking is because I kind of eh, uh, I was unable toI mean I really wanted too, but I couldnt . There huhhmm, there-there was an incident.
Chandler: Y'know what, hes right. Theres something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, a post-coital Monica and Chandler are recovering on the couch.]
Joey: But I got to act with a robot Pheebs, and-and I dont know anything about technology! I cant even use Chandlers computer except to find porn! And-and thats only cause its right there when you turn it on!
Monica: Oh, well, I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a rap song.
Joey: Chandler is a complex fellow, one who is unlikely to take a wife.
Chandler: Which I bought for ya. Taught ya how to use it. You thought it was a copier. Look, if there was anything I could do, I would do it. Okay? But everybodys allowed one mistake, right?
Phoebe: Thats right, there you go! Crushes happen all the time! I know Ive had them for all you guys. Well, except for Ross and Chandler. And Im sure youve had them for us.
Chandler: Or facing a bitch of a commute.
Chandler: Tomorrow night is good. Tomorrow night is good, but uh, yknow what? Why put off something till tomorrow that you can do right now? (Laughs) Eldad come here! (He stands up from the next table.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.]
Chandler: Listen, if you want to borrow money, its kind of a bad time. Im buying dinner for 128 people tomorrow night.
Chandler: (Getting up and raising his fist in victory) Y-Y-YEEESSS! Make "groom" for Chandler.
Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall..(sees its a beautiful woman coming out of the mens room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high?
Chandler: Let me finish ... (to everyone else) however, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job so I can't afford to have principles, so screw you, the tickets are ours!! (takes tickets from Rachel)
Chandler: Okay, look, I'm gonna pull on the door and you guys push as hard as you can. Maybe we can get enough room to wiggle him out, okay? Okay, so PUSH!
Chandler: (The room is filled with flowers and a floral print sheet on the bed.) Oh my God. What is th its like a guy never lived in here. Look, youve got to be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. (Looking around the living room.) Its spreading already.
Chandler: Yknow, I knew something like this was going to happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweat pants.)
Joey: Ah. (To Chandler) Slow swimmers? (Chandler looks at him.)
Chandler: A Speedo? Uh, I dont have a Speedo. Im gonna go pack my regular long bathing suit. (Goes into the bedroom.)
CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]
CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.
[Scene: The restaurant. Chandler and Monica are sitting at a table]
Monica: Chandler is supposed to find out if he's getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are only hiring three.
Chandler: (reading the check) Pete Becker. Pete (quickly grabs a magazine and opens it up to show her a picture) (pointing to the picture) Is this him?
CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Rachel, Chandler, and Monica are there. Rachel is reading everyones horoscope.]
Chandler: Oh just great. He beeps me now with codes. One is, "Bring me food." Two is, "Im with a girl, bring us food." Three is, "Im lost and I cant find food."
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and dont come crying to me! Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my (Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)
Chandler: Then you distract her with a Barbie doll.
(When Rachel starts to look under the bed if Joey would fit under there, Chandler opens the door inbetween the rooms, grabs Joey by his shirt and drags him to his room, and closes the door again)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachels, Monica is reading a book as Rachel returns.]
Chandler: Yeah, shes dying Of a cough apparently.
[Cut to Rachel listening to a phone conversation between Chandler and Monica in The One With All the Resolutions.]
Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about?
Chandler: Oh, that's The Wedding March. Does, does that freak you out?
Chandler: Ohh! (He quickly removes his hand and looks at it.)
Chandler: Pheebs, what are you doing with the coat? How about the whole animal rights thing?
Chandler: Theyre not gonna swallow anything, you guys are being way over protective. When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler and Joey are there as Rachel returns from her interview.]
CHANDLER: It's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.
Joey: I will be okay! Look Chandler, you gotta get it out of your head that I cant take care of myself. Okay? Look, Im not gonna miss you helping me out with money. The only thing that Im gonna miss is you. And now the dog.
Joey: (To Chandler) Okay look, Chandler, if this (Motions back and forth indicating the arrangement.) you have got to listen! (Tugs on his ear.) (Chandler glares at him.) Youre gonna throw that juice at me, arent ya?
Chandler: I am, I actually am. I mean this is amazing. My entire life I have feared this place, and now that I'm here it's like what was the big deal. I could probably say 'Let's move in together.' and I'd be okay.
Joey: Yeah! (Chandler bangs the table in frustration.)
Chandler: Slim Pickings.
Chandler: Okay, so weve established my name, and hit me. But theoretically y'know, I mean say we werent friends, say its a blind date. I show up at your door, and Im like (in a fake voice) Hey, nice to meet, ya. Hey, oh-hey.
Monica: Chandler, relax its not a contest. (To Rachel) Certainly not a close one.
Chandler: I know, just quick-quick question, quick question. Which one was Deep Impact and which one was Armageddon?
Chandler: Not as much fun as last time. Apparently you only get porn if you're giving a sperm sample.
Joey: Whoa-ho-ho! (He looks at Chandler, who gives him a come on look.) Yeah, okay.
Joey: (he stops Chandler from posting the message) No, no, no... what do... you can't do that to him!
Chandler: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener?
Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each others hands.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a book and hears the bed in Joey's room creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on his face.]
Chandler: What, you guys really think that Im that shallow?
[Cut to Chandler laying in the bathtub. "Only Time," is playing in the background.]
(They slowly and hesitantly move their lips together and kiss gently. Phoebe has her eyes wide open in shock and Chandler is squinting. He finally breaks the kiss after only a short while and pushes Phoebe away.)
Monica: (to Chandler) Is he gonna introduce us?
Chandler: Eh, y'know what, shes to political, she probably wouldnt let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.
Chandler: And that became ‘they are humid prepossessing Homo Sapiens with full sized aortic pumps...?
Chandler: The only superpower you have is a slightly heightened sense of smell. (Hands him the jacket and walks away.)
Chandler: Im so tired. (She starts kissing him.) Yeah okay, but no foreplay.
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler and Joey are walking up the stairs.]
Chandler: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Janice) I've always wanted to know...
Rachel: Look Monica, getting cold feet is very common. Yknow, its-its just because of all the anticipation and you just have to remember that you love Chandler. And also, I ran out on a wedding. You dont get to keep the gifts.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, the cookie trying period has pasted. Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are reflecting on the days events.]
Chandler: Hmm, the game's at one.
Chandler: Were going to Everest! Okay, it would be nice to leave an ass print on Everest!
[Scene: Back in Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is doing situps.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is drinking coffee as Chandler enters.]
Monica: (hands Chandler a bag) Chandler, here you go, got your traditional Thanksgiving feast, you got your tomato soup, your grilled cheese fixin's, and your family size bag of Funyuns.
(Cut to Joey and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Ross storm in looking very unhappy)
[Chandler is sitting in front of a window while it's raining outside. We see Joey through a rainy window. The camera zooms out to show it's just his tabletop water sculpture.]
Chandler: (sporting a goatee) Hey.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.]
Chandler: What a wank!