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[Scene: Joeys Premiere, Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.]
(And with that, television history is made as, for the first time ever, an entire show moves its entire production to an entirely different country to make a single episode. We get shots of Buckingham Palace, London Bridge, Big Ben, and the London Marriott as Joey and Chandler exit.)
Ben: Whens my daddy coming back?
Mr. Geller: Well of course Ben, I meant my first granddaughter. (To Monica, mouths) Wow.
Joey: (reading the card) Whoa! This guy is like the biggest commercial casting director in town! (Ross gasps) Ben takes one lousy walk in the park and gets an audition!! (Ross and Carol stare at him, then Joey realizes what he just said.) I mean, way to go Ben! (Gives Ben the thumbs up, which Ben returns.) Man! I've been in that park a million times and no one offered me an audition.
Ross: Oh, Im just over here with Ben. I thought wed say hi.
The Teacher: Are you one of Bens mothers?
Rachel: Ohh, okay. (Ross has a sign on his back that reads Poop.) WhAh-ha! (Ross stops and turns.) Wait a minute. Uh Ben, I cant do it.
Joey: Well, I've been thinking about this whole commercial thing, y'know me going up against Ben, the two of us competing, and that can't lead to anything good. So, I think I'm just gonna step aside. I'm gonna tell them that I won't audition.
Monica: (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum.
RACHEL: I don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.
Ross: (sets Ben down) Well, it's not for sure but umm, we met this guy in the park who thought Ben was really cute--y'know, which he is--so umm anyhoo, he uh, he gave us his card and told us to bring him down for this commercial he's auditioning.
Ross: (answering the phone) Hello? (Listens) Hey Mon, hows the packing going? (Listens) Ben? Hes fine. Yeah, hes rightOh my God! (He looks over at the fake Ben and notices that the head has fallen off.) Get your head of your shirt there son! (He tries to push the pumpkin through the neck hole.) What? (Listens) Yeah, its a pumpkin. Ill come pack.
The Casting Director: Actually, that can't happen. Yeah because you all have such different looks, we're putting you with Raymond and Kyle with Ben. So it'll be either you two (Points to Joey and Raymond) or you two. (Points to Kyle and Ben.) (Exits.)
Ross: (looking astonished) What? NO! I am not going to give them Ben!
Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?
Phoebe: Now Ben, sometimes people may seem like jerks on the outside, but they have famous fathers.
Trudie Styler: I gather Jack and Ben havent been getting along lately.
Ross: Look Ben, it's a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas!
Ross: Give daddy the Barbi! Ben, give, give me the Barbi. Okay, how 'bout, don't you want to play with the monster truck? (makes a monster truck sound) No. Okay, oh, oh, how about a Dino-soilder? (squawks like a dinosaur)
Joey: (goes over to Ben) Hi Ben! So you wanna be an actor huh? I gotta tell ya, it's no picnic. There's tons of rejection. No stability. One day you're Dr. Drake Remoray, the next day you're eating ketchup right out of the bottle.
[Scene: Rosss apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben.]
Ross: There's my boy! Here's my boy! And here's his Barbi (Ben is holding a Barbi doll) What's ah, what's my boy doing with a Barbi?
Rachel: All this stuff takes up a lot of room. Hey how uh, how serious are you about keeping Ben in your life?
Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That's it, Ben.
Phoebe: And maybe I could teach Ben about the Christmas skull and how people die.
Ben: (prompting her) What did we agree?
Ross: Apparently, Stings son made fun of the fact that Bens moms are lesbinims.
Trudie Styler: Im told there are two sides to this story, but all Ive heard is that Bens a bit of a poo-poo head.
Ross: (pause) I think on some level, you-you sabotaged your own audition so that Ben would get the part.
Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure its ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, Ive always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.
Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!
Ross: (thinking) How 'bout Ben?
(Monica holds Ben.)
Susan: I like Ben.
Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.
Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?
Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?
Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]
Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off...
Phoebe: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my God, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]
Carol: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)
ROSS: There we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)
Rachel: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?
[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.]
Joey: No, it's just ah, I care so damn much about little Ben that uh, it was more important to see him succeed.
Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
Ben: Seriously, your dad doesnt like pranks.
ROSS: What about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]
Phoebe: Ben, dinner!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.]
MONICA: There's my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)
CHANDLER: Can I uh see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying.)
(Ben starts crying)
BOTH (but to different babies): Oh, Ben! Hey, buddy!
MONICA: Aw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. There's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. Hey, he's not crying.
ROSS: Will you hold Ben for a sec? Come here. Come here.
(Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben)
JOEY: Well, well that one has ducks on his t-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
ROSS: I hope Ben has a little sister.
CHANDLER: Hey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.
MONICA: So your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do?
ROSS: Have a good time. Ok, Ben.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross enters with Ben.]
CHANDLER AND JOEY: (running after bus) Ben! Ben! Ben!
ROSS: Let me hold him for a sec. There. (Ben stops crying) Huh? There we are.
ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture frame from Ben to my parents, huh.
RACHEL: Ok, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. [finishes the diaper] There. I did it. I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.
RACHEL: Uh, I'm holding Ben.
CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this?
[Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.]
ROSS: Yeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive.
ROSS: Hi, we're visitiing. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your momies you said it anyway so you might as well try.
[at Ross's. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up]
RACHEL: Oh, yeah sure, Ok. [she takes Ben and holds him at arms length]
BEN: Bye.
ROSS: Bye Ben.
BEN: Bye.
BEN: Bye.
BEN: Bye.
RACHEL: Guess what. Ben just said his first word.
BEN: Hi.
RACHEL: Ben just said hi.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica are playing with Ben.]
Chandler: You bet I did, Ben, put it there! (He shakes Ben's hand, but the money falls out of his hands) (to Monica) Well, it would have worked this time, if his hands weren't so damn small! (Realizes, that Ben is standing right there) Ho, ho, ho!
RACHEL: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are picking up Ben, while Monica is pouring chocolate syrup, lots of it, into her ice cream.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is still trying to get Ben to play with something other than the Barbi doll.]
Ben: Monica.
PHOEBE: [pauses the tape] Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty rough goin' for a while but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet but we know that ends well so. Ok, here we go. [starts the tape again]
Monica: (to Ben) Whos so brave, youre so brave, yes you are, youre so brave.
Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?
Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, thats great! Good job Ben.
Ben: Monica bang!
Ben: Monica.
Ben: Monica bang!
Ben: Monica bang!