words in movies
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for Rachels baby shower.]
Rachel: So whats the final head count on my baby shower?
Rachel: So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?!
Monica: (on phone) Hi, umm I know this is last minute, but weve decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachels baby shower is underway. Monica and Phoebe are working in the kitchen.]
Phoebe: What? Hes gonna be dressed as a baby! (Mrs. Green enters.) Oh hi Mrs. Green!
Mrs. Green: Its like youre a cave person. Rachel, you must get a nanny. You dont know how overwhelming this is going to be. I mean when you were a baby I had full time help, I had Mrs. Kay.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower is continuing as Rachel walks over to Monica and Phoebe.]
Rachel: She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
Rachel: Youre right. Youre right. I mean Im about to have a baby, I can tell my mother that I dont want her to just be sleeping on my couch! Oh my God! Shes gonna want to sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen!
Monica: Yes! Yes! And I think that the first gift that Rachel opens should be from the grandmother of the baby, because youre the most important person in this room. And in the world!
Rachel: He was a hamster! I am not going to vacuum up my baby!
Rachel: Oh my gosh! Oh wow! Oh, I know what this is! (Shes holding an item with a large suction cup connected to a yellow plastic box, with a long narrow tube and bottle connected the yellow part.) Wait a minute. That cant be right. Is that a beer bong for a baby?
Rachel: What?! It goes ten times a day! What are we feeding this baby?! Indian food?!
Mrs. Green: Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while youre trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?
Mrs. Green: You cant leave a baby alone!
Rachel: Oh come(Stutters)Of course I know that. I mean of course you never leave a baby alone! I mean who wouldshe wouldnt be safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Oh God, okay. Yknow what? I think opening the presents right now is a little overwhelming right now. So I think umm, Im just gonna maybe open them a little bit later, but thank you all for coming. And for these beautiful gifts, and this basket is beautiful.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, the baby shower has ended and everyone except for Mrs. Green have left who is talking to Rachel while Monica and Phoebe are cleaning up.]
Rachel: Oh mom, I swear Im not an idiot. Ive read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth, but I-I just didnt think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes. And-and then guess what? The babys coming and I dont know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my diaper genie?
Rachel: Yes! Shes gonna help us take care of the baby! Woo-hoo. (Sees that Ross isnt happy.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Mrs. Green is telling Ross what needs to be done to baby proof his apartment.]
Mrs. Green: Well Rachel needs help with the baby.
Ross: Thats a different issue. Uh, the point is, when the baby comes I will be there to to feed her and bathe her and change her. And more than that I want to do all those things.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's, Ross is helping Rachel study for when the baby comes.]
Ross: All right then. (Gets up, in an announcers voice) Rachel Green! Lets play Bamboozled! (Reading from a note card.) How do you test the temperature of the babys bath water?
Ross: Excellent! How do you put a baby down for a nap?
Ross: Thats correct! This is an audio question, what do you do when the baby makes this sound? (Makes a sound like someone is choking a cat.)
Rachel: Wow! I cant believe thats our baby.
Ross: (to the guard) Dont sweat it, Ive got this section covered. Yeah, in fact Ive got this little baby (Turns on a mini-flashlight) to shine in peoples eye(The guard walks away)Okay, see you later.
Joey: So whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! What are you gonna do? Youre gonna have the baby and-and raise it by yourself without a husband?! You cant be a single mother alone! Youre gonna ruin your life!
Ross: I am the guy who�s taking care of our baby while you�re out at bars meeting guys!
Monica: I don't know. I mean, I guess having sex in front of a baby isn't so...
Rachel: Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o� clock. So I was hoping you and I could have achance to kind of talk� somebody here?
Monica: Hey, you better hope that we're pregnant, because one way or another, we're giving a baby back to Rachel.
Chandler: All right, all right, we were. We were trying to make a baby. Monica's ovulating.
Chandler: It�s like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!
Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests.
Joey: Yeah, I guess it is. (sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, youve got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so Im gonna get on this spaceship, (smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and Im gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, youll be long gone. But I wont have aged at all. (gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, Im gonna want to meet her.
Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby?
Dr. Green: Ill never understand you lesbians. (To Rachel) So baby, tell me what is new with you.
Chandler: So, how would you like to have a baby that's half yours and half his!
Stranger: And it is annoying when parents put their baby on the phone...
Monica: And it could be soon. I mean, think about it: right now, somewhere out there (they go look through the window) our baby could be being conceived.
Chandler: You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning on keeping her baby, would ya?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.]
Chandler: (to Ross) Dont try to sway her. (To Monica) (Softly) Im your only chance to have a baby. Okay, lets go.
Dr. Green: Oh come on! Dont be such a baby! (Goes after him)
Rachel: Yeah baby, I'll show you how we do it!
Joey: Youre ready to have a baby? My boys all grown up!
Chandler (to Monica): We have to get out of here, baby!
Rachel: Ross, what are you talking about? (she sees the cake) oh! Oh my God! They put my baby’s face on a penis!
Amy: Since today... I am going to be a baby stylist.
Rachel: (Emma starts crying in the other room) Oh sorry, hold on. Let me just check on the baby!
Ross: (a little confused) Okay, um... I don't want her watching our baby.
Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby’s face off the penis, so we can put it on the bunny. (pause). That is a weird sentence!
Joey: I gotta a lot of nice stuff to say about you guys, ok? And I know how much you wanna have a baby, you know, and I would love to help you get one.
Rachel: So how is the uhm... baby styling business going?
Rachel: Oh, don't be such a baby!
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, baby, that's nice but, you know what, I think I'm ok. Why don't you give it to one of your other single girlfriends?
Benjamin: No! I'm sorry, we were looking for "Baby It's You". Baby It's You.
Monica: WE'RE GETTING A BABY!
Joey: Hey, is this person who decides whether or not you... get a baby?
Monica: Is that that couple on the first floor? Because we should get a baby before them. Yeah! That guy tried to sell me drugs. (Laura looks shocked)
Monica: Now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh...
Phoebe: Well, I wanna enter her in a baby beauty pageant.
Rachel: No Phoebe, I am not letting you put makeup on my baby!
Phoebe: We can't leave now! There was this one baby, Haley, who was favourite to win and she got croup, so she had to stay home! This competition just blew wide open, folks!
Monica: Yep, we're gonna meet the lady who could be carrying our baby.
Monica: Oh my God, it's gonna WORK! We're gonna make it work! I'm gonna be a mummy and (to Chandler) you're gonna be a daddy! All right, I'll see you suckers. I'm gonna get me... A BABY! {she leaves)
Monica: I can't believe they called, and we're actually getting a baby. (she kisses Chandler)
Phoebe: What are you gonna name the baby?
Joey: I can't believe it. When you guys come back, you're gonna have a baby! That is so weird!
Ross: (he takes a baby blue beret out of a shopping box and puts it on) How does this look?
Monica: You know, I know that things could still go wrong but if they don't? If this works out, we're gonna have a baby Chandler, a baby!
Monica: (very emotional) Because... We may not be who she thinks we are but no-one will ever love that baby more than us.
Erica: I was wondering you both have such serious jobs. (to Monica) Would you have time to take care of a baby and your flock?
Chandler: Plus I thought the baby would be in good hands with a doctor!
Monica: I mean, who knows how long it's gonna take for someone else to give us a baby? What if, what if no one ever picks us?
Monica: It says “Do it!”. And behold she did adopt onto them a baby. And it was good.
Erica: Yeah. It's a sonogram they took of the baby last week. I thought you might want to see it. (gives it to Monica, who looks at it for a long time, and then shows it to Chandler)
Erica: Giving you my baby? You think I'd give you my child after this?
Chandler: Monica, I want a baby too, but this woman is giving away her child. She deserves to know who it's going to. Monica: (realizes Chandler is right. She's almost crying) okay, right. (They hug)
Monica: Yeah, but the important thing to know about us, is how much we would care for this little baby. (holds up the sonogram)
Chandler: You still want that baby?
Chandler: You have every reason to be upset. We did lie. But only because we've been waiting and trying to have a baby for so long. Now we don't know how long it's gonna be before we can get another chance again.
Ross: I know, and with the baby coming?
RACHEL: Well, we're not here to meet guys.� You have a boyfriend, I have a b. . . baby and a Ross.
Monica: And a baby...
Monica: When we found out that we're gonna get this baby, Chandler and I started talking and we decided that we didn't want to raise a kid in the city.
Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby.
Monica: Joey. Erica, baby!
Monica: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat!
Monica: Everyone. Erica, baby!
Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!
Erica: No, I don't mind you touching my belly, but right now your hand is kind of blocking the part where the baby is gonna come out.
Chandler: But you did like us. And you should. My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... It kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please?
Chandler: For your information, I was staring at her baby. We're about to be parents.
Monica: Ross! She's giving us her baby. She can eat you if she wants.
(She looks at Ross, a bit ashamed. Chandler mimes "big breasts" to Ross and lip syncs "Wow". Ross looks at him, astonished and then Monica looks at Chandler again. A little too late he changes the "big breasts" mime into "rocking a baby". When he realizes Monica might have seen it he also strokes his imaginary baby's head.)
Doctor: The next baby should be along in a minute.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters. Joey is holding a baby duck.]
Phoebe: It's a baby chick and duck!
Phoebe: How sweet! Oh, is that the baby?
(The baby starts crying, and the doctor holds it up.)
Chandler: (emotional) It's a baby! A beautiful little baby! And some other stuff I'm gonna pretend I don't see.
Joey: It's a... It's a "welcome home" sign for the baby.
Joey: You know, the baby can't read, Mike!
(Ross enters with a gift for the baby.)
(They turn back around to see the baby Monica's carrying, but then they realise what the surprise is. Ross, Mike, Phoebe and Rachel gasp and stare at Chandler and his baby. Joey hasn't figured it out yet.)
(They all walk over to see the baby.)
Joey: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh . That-that-thats really just to show where the baby would go. Yknow why dont I hold on to him so that theres no confusion? (Takes him back, sets him on the chair, and apologizes to him.)
Rachel: Hi! You guys, the car-service just got here. I can't believe they're not home yet! I have to catch my stupid plane. I wanna see the baby!
(He holds up a white poster with huge red letters. It reads, "Welcome Home Baby." There is also a huge red stain on the left of the poster.)
Phoebe Sr: Hey! Okay! Well thanks for coming out to see me. I just-I just thought it would be a very good idea to talk about this baby stuff in person. Yknow
CHANDLER: (on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what someone might do if they left a baby on a city bus. Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid charact er.
(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.)
Rachel: Well Ill tell ya! (Pause) See uh my-my boss and his wifeThey-they cant have children. So umm, and thatwe were at the Christmas party, and he got drunk, and he said to me, "Rachel, I want to buy your baby."
Phoebe: Yeah, did she sound happy about it? 'Cause my friend Ethel's baby was born with a teeny, tiny beard.
Mr. Zelner: If I in any way implied that I wanted to buy your baby I am sorry. Okay? Last week when I asked you when your due date was uh, I certainly did not mean that I felt that I was due your baby. Yeah, I want to be very clear that I understand that its your baby, and it is not mine to purchase.
Ross: Oh, it was good! It was good. Actually, the baby started kicking!
Ross: Shame on you! Ugly baby judges you!
[Scene: Baby beauty contest]
Monica: I know. Hey, do you realize we may have just changed our lives forever? We may have just started a family. Nine months from now we can be here, having our own baby.
Monica: (coming) Are you still crying about your damn baby? Pheebs, you gotta keep the line moving, remember, 20 seconds per person. Your see these clowns all the time! (she takes off)
Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom)
Joey: Yes I do! And were gonna go out, were gonna have a good time, and take your mind off of childbirth and c-sections and-and giant baby heads stretching out
Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and his he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife)