words in movies
{Transcribers Note: This is an hour-long special episode. Which means that the first part of this episode is episode 615. The second part of this episode is episode 616. Since episodes 615 and 616 are combined into one file, thats why there is no episode 616 in the season 6 table of contents and the numbers jump from episode 615 to 617.}
Rachel: Hey, you guys! Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce!
{Transcribers note: This is where the opening credits are, but theyre not the usual opening credits. Oh no! These credits are based on the world that would have been created had all of the above actually happened. It starts out with all of them at the fountain sitting on the couch as Fat Monica runs up and sits on the arm of the couch, tilting the whole thing towards her. It then goes on to show Rachels still a shop-aholic and with Barry. Fat Monica is sweating while cooking and dancing while eating a donut. Phoebe as the Wall Street shark smoking while on two cell phones. Then theyre dancing in the fountain. Joey entering as Dr. Drake Remoray and meeting a groupie. Chandler trying to write as a bird does its business on his shoulder and falling asleep while typing. Ross doing some kara-tay and trying to get Carol into bed. And finally, some more dancing in the fountain, them all flexing, and the turning out the lamp and shutting off all the lights bit from the first season. Just remember one thing, this is an alternate universe. Everything from every other episode doesnt apply, for instance, Ross and Rachel have no history. And in fact have not seen each other in years in this world.}
Rachel: Wow! How are you?!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Fat Monica, and her boyfriend are sitting on the couch. Monicas boyfriend is getting up to get something. For future reference, for the rest of this episode Monicas fat, I wont be calling her Fat Monica throughout.]
Phoebe: Ohh thats so sweet! (Her cell phone rings.) Oh! Hang on! (Quickly grabs a cigarette and starts to light it as her phone rings.) Hang onnnnnn!!! (Gets the cigarette lighted and answers the phone.) (On phone.) Go!! No! No-no! I said sell when it hits 50! 5-0, its a number! It comes after 4-9!! No, its okay. Its okay, youre allowed one mistake. Just kidding, you are of course fired.
Monica: You are so sweet to notice! Yes, I lost three and a half pounds!
Rachel: Oh yeah. Right. So now, aredo you, do you still do music?
Rachel: (stunned) You are friends with Dr. Drake Remoray?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are there. Phoebes cell phone rings and she goes through her little routine of lighting a cigarette before answering the phone.]
Joey: (entering) Hey there you are!
Monica: (laughs) You realize what you are dont you?
Chandler: But the Kit-Kats are all right?!
Chandler: Phoebe, are you having a heart attack?!
[Scene: A hospital, Phoebe is recovering from her heart attack as Ross, Monica, and Chandler are there to comfort and support her.]
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was natures way of telling you to die! (Phoebe glares at him.) But youre not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but youre not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Joey: Are you kidding me?! I love Archie! And the whole gang!
Monica: Yknow what? You are right?!
[Scene: The hospital, Ross and Monica are in Phoebes room. Phoebe is in the bathroom and Monica notices smoke coming out from underneath the door.]
[Scene: Rachel and Barrys bedroom, Rachel is watching Days of Our Lives. Of course its a Dr. Drake Remoray scene. Its set in a hospital room, and Dr. Wesley and a nurse are talking about a female patient with a bandage around her head.]
[Cut back to the TV, the cops are leading Dr. Wesley out, and as they pass Remoray and Wesley exchange evil glances.]
Ross: So honey this uh, this threesome thing umm, I mean how-how are you gonna start to find
[Scene: The hospital, Chandler and Monica are there with Phoebe as Ross enters.]
Phoebe: What are you two girls whispering about over there?!
Chandler: Listen Phoebe, hes right. People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31.
Monica: No! Umm well, some people say that Oysters are an aphrodisiac.
[Scene: Ross and Carol's, Ross and Carol are waiting anxiously for their new partner to arrive.]
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, Chandler and Monica are eating Monicas dinner.]
Chandler: No you are not! You are sweet and wonderful and this is gonna happen for you.
Joey: When was the last time someone told you just how beautiful you are?
[Scene: Monica and Phoebe's, continued from earlier. Monica and Chandler are still discussing the previous question.]
Monica: I know! Ill tell you something, we are gonna do that again!
Joey: Yes! Yes!! And every time you look at it, I want you to remember that you are a good person. Okay, youve had the chance to cheat, and with me, but you didnt. And thats what this ring stands for.
Joey: Whoa-whoa-whoa! Youre not gonna use the pay phone to call work, are ya?
[Cut back to her room, Joey and Ross are sitting there waiting for her.]
Monica: Are you okay?
Monica: Yknow, I dont have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical. (He laughs halfheartedly) Are you sure youre okay?
Jack: What are you doing here?
Jack: Are you all right?
Ross: That-thats always good news. Are you okay?
Rachel: Let me uh, let me ask you something, do wedding vows mean squat to you people?! And why is it that the second we tell you were going out of town, bamn there you are in bed with the neighbors dog walker?!
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Ross: Look I-I dont know whats going on with you and your husband and what is hopefully an adult dog walker, look can I just say not all men are like that.
Ross: Hey! There are some men who will do whatever it takes to make their marriage work! Okay? There are some men who will stand by and-and watch as their wives engage in-in what only can be described as a twosome with some-some woman she barely knows from the gym!
Rachel: Who are these men?
[Scene: Central Perk - Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the sofas. Joey enters]
Joey: (talking to a pineapple in his hand) God, you're beautiful...why are we fighting this?You know you want it to happen as much as I do.
Rachel: (excited) Are you serious?
Monica: Oh, honey!I can't. I was just telling these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant!
Chandler: Are you really that busy?
Monica: No, I cant afford this either. No. I-I-Im, Im just to figure out which one I want then Im gonna get it at Kleinmans, this discount place in Brooklyn, day after tomorrow they are having a huge sale.
Actress/Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in here?
Joey: (sitting on the sofa in front of the tv) Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel myself changing.
Monica: What are you doing here!
Receptionist: Welcome to the Chestnut Inn Mr. Bing, so where are you joining from?
Chandler: (aside, to Ross) What!? They are totally ripping us off!
Ross: We are four short of a bush-o (pause). God I feel so alive, I love being in the country!
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the sofa]
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair.]
Phoebe: What are people having, the garlic Martini?
Monica: You know what? I take back what I said before. You keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music driving people inside, my bar sales are going up like crazy.
Phoebe: Well at least all my songs don't taste like garlic. Yeah, there are other ingredients Monica.
Joey: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow...
Joey: (looks at her for a moment) What the hell are you talking about??
Joey: (enters the room) Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night?
Joey: You guys are gonna have a great time, I promise!
Monica: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around?
Monica: What the hell are you cooking!
Monica: Who, who are they?
Rachel: (angry) You are having a party tonight??
[Scene: Ross, Charlie and Professor Spafford are sitting at the table in a restaurant]
Monica: Ok, then, why are you... (she opens her robe revealing a nice black dress) all dressed up??
Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway? (Looks around)
Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin? (Starts digging in.)
Joey: Oh my God! I didn�t feel a thing ! Hey, are you still looking for a job because you can tweeze circles aroundthat sadistic bitch at the saloon
Ross: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!! (Rachel nods) Man, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my God!
Ross: (covering with his hand Chandler's face, like pretending he's not there) (to Monica) There're these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.
Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on?
Bitter lady: Well, I bet you are all thinkin' "Now would be a really great time for an intermission", huh?
Joey: Ah, let me see! (she hands him a pile of tissues) Damn, that's a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty?
Joey: Ross, you should know that my pants are startin to come down and Im not wearing any underwear!
Ross: Uhm no! Think less of you! No, I don't think less of you. I mean, you saw someone you liked and you kissed them. I mean, those people who like someone and don't kiss them... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people.
Joey: Come on in, how are ya?
Phoebe: (watching around and whispering) Ok, are they listening?
Phoebe: Hey Ross! So listen, about you and the dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that, come on, a piece of paper?
Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts?
Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet.
Chandler: Why are you here?
Monica: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're going to be ok?
Rachel: (to the cowgirl) And you are so in style right now. Yknow, I work at Ralph Lauren and the whole fall line has got this like equestrian theme going on. I dont suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but
Rachel: (Sees Phoebe's slippers through the hole) Wow... I really love your... (startled as she realizes those are Phoebe's slippers)
Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine.
Joey: Okay. Rachel and Phoebe are already there, okay? So they probably started without us. We could just slip in and no-one needs to know where we were! (he raises his hands and on his right one there's a Rangers foam finger)
Phoebe: You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back!
Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together.
Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we...
Phoebe: (through the door, with a Scottish accent) Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy.
[Scene: Central Perk. Charlie, Joey and Rachel are on the couches]
Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the label) Mommas Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, Im a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
JOEY: What are you . ..� (He sees her in her negligee.)� Why are you dressed like that?
Ross: Yeah, right! What was last time he met a submission deadline for an abstract (he and Charlie laugh, then Joey starts laughing too without any reason) Well, why are you laughing?
Rachel: Oh... you're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya?
Chandler: I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work stuff and/or are sick.
Monica: There are no tickets on the nightstand!
Charlie: Yeah! Actually Joey and I are going to the movies tonight, wanna come?
Monica: You are both idiots. The joke is not funny, and its offensive to women, and doctors, and monkeys! You shouldnt be arguing over who gets credit, you should be arguing over who gets blamed for inflicting this horrible joke upon the world! Now let it go! The joke sucks!
Phoebe: (comes out too) Well, some things are just hard to say to your face.
[Scene: Shop, Phoebe and Rachel are talking in front of the dressing room]
Rachel: Oh! What are we gonna do?
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartement. Chandler and the guest are in the living room, Monica in the kitchen]
Ross: The data we are receiving from MRI scans and DNA testing of these fossils are - are staggering.
Chandler: (very seriously) That's really not the kind of thing we are looking for Zack.
Phoebe: What are the chances? 1 billion Chinese people and they send Mike!?
Rachel: Ok. (Phoebe starts to walk in the opposite direction though. Rachel sees and follows her) Wha...? where? Where are you going?
Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice person.
Phoebe: Are you sure? Because I'm really dreading going to this party.
Phoebe: Yeah. What-what are you doing here?
Phoebe: Well, it's great that you're back! How are you?
Chandler: Really? Are you sure?
Chandler: We are gonna be great parents.
Jeanette: (to Zack) Here are the boards for Friday's pitch (hands him something).
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next day, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are baby-sitting the triplets. They each have one baby.]
Ross: Oh, that's right! (to Emma) Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We're going to a conference in Barbados, right?
Joey: I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes towards them)
Chandler: Are you just tired now or are you always tired, 'cause that could be a sign of clinical depression.
Sarah: (to Joey) Are you a paleontologist?
Monica: I mean, my feelings for Richard are certainly gone.
Phoebe: You just did it again. Chandler, your feelings for Chandler are certainly gone!
Nurse: Mr. Bing? (Chandler jumps up) Here you are! You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.
Monica: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.
Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Joey: Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here!
Monica: What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha... What about Mike?
Charlie: Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner (Looks at Joey).
Waiter: I'm sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention (walks away)
[Scene: The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel and Joey are walking around]
David: Are... are you kidding? You know, when you don't see someone for a long time, a-a-and you kind of build them up in your head and you start thinking about: Come on, don't be crazy. Nobody is that beautiful, but... well, you are. (Phoebe seems very charmed) Well, so, uhm... are you seeing... anyone? (Phoebe is still up on a cloud from what David just said)
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
[Scene: the Pharmacist convention. Joey and Rachel are walking out of it, drinking cocktails]
Phoebe: What are you, what are you doing here?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's room. Monica and Chandler are in bed.]
Ross: (from across the wall) Walls are pretty thin, guys!
Monica: So, what are we gonna do today?
Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now you won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going on!
Charlie: (walking in) Hey! There you are!