words in movies
Originally written by Jeffrey Astroff and Mike Sikowitz Transcribed by Josh Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan SIlverstein.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are there. Phoebe is looking out the window.]
[Chandler and Joey enter.]
CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is.
MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery guy.
[Joey opens the door and picks up the remnants of the newspaper.
MONICA: Oh look, and he did my crossword puzzle.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is working behind the counter.]
JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'.
CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me?
ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky and goes and sits with others at the couches]
CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got this blouse for mom.
[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the table, reading the obituaries, and crossing out names in the phonebook.]
GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a box with the pictures] This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation. . . another graduation. . . another graduation.
PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.
GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder.
PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?
GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and pulls a picture out] This is the real him.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating the Christmas tree.]
CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
[Monica and Ross enter.]
ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think, I think I know what'll make you feel better. How 'bout you make a list about me. RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am not gonna stand here and make a list of. . . ROSS: C'mon Rachel. RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are, you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're, you're gutless, you know, you don't ever, you don't just sort of seize the day, you know. You like me for what, a year, you didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh, you wear too much of that gel in your hair. ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you did what I said. RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what? You're right, I do feel better, thank you Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his hand to his hair] [Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the phone] PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information. [hangs up] [Phoebe's grandmother enters] GRANDMOTHER: Hey. PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name. GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't still be mad at me. How's it going? PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math. GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better off without him. Oh honey, I know he's your daddy but, but to me he's still the irresponsible creep who knocked up your mom and stole her Gremlin. PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know. GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't completely honest with you when I told you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where he lived. PHOEBE: Whattaya mean? GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy Queen, you've gone too far. You can take my cab. PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you. GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody else drives that cab. PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! [blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein]
JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and Chandler are thrown back in the seat]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is preparing for the party with Ross questioning her.]
ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a difference between being obsessive and. . .
ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator and starts turning the knob] OK, this way is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob] off.
ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and, and. . . here it is.
RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi, it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes, somebody, uh, broke our knob on the radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes, it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well, do you think we could have a new one by 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait until Tuesday, we're having a party tonight.
PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into the plexiglass wall in the cab]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are having their party. All the guests are stripped down because of the heat.]
RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to our tropical Christmas party. You can put your coats and sweaters and pants and shirts in the bedroom.
MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly comfortable. [one of the guest opens the refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line buddy, I was next. [she opens the refrigerator and leans into it]
[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel about tipping the super.]
PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .
PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.
PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when you're ready, you'll make it past the hedges.
JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be lucky to have you.
JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not goin' in there but do you think it'd be alright if I went in and used his bathroom? Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, kinda like a blank canvas.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting around after the party. Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter.]
CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's after midnight, merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug, Chandler is left standing]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Chandler are giving out their Christmas presents out of a cardboard box from a case of motor oil.]
JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime.
CHANDLER: And last but not least.
[Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.]
JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure. [Ross and Monica trade their gifts.]
Ross: Oh! And it gets worse! (Turns his side to Chandler and Monica and pulls up his shirt. There's a distinct line across his body, where his belly is very tanned and his back is very pale.)
Phoebe: yeah I've nothing to be ashamed of ok so I haven't been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I haven't had a real boyfriend you know if he can't handle that he can leave. which he will and that's ok. so I'll just be alone forever you know alright I'll be. it'll be fine. it'll be fine. I'll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh (takes a deep breath and sits down, knock on the door)
[Jack and Judy come out of Monicas room and sit down on the couch.]
Rachel: ...So a bird just grabbed it, and then tried to fly away with it and, and then just dropped it on the street?
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: What?!
Monica: And Dad, yknow that mailman that you got fired? He didnt steal your Playboys! Ross did!
Mr. and Mrs. Geller: Yes. (They look at Chandler angrily.)
Chandler: Look I'm very glad that you saved Ross from the car backfire, but y'know, it could've been a bullet and you y'know, you didn't try to save me!
Joey: Well, that's gonna be tough Mon. I mean it's hard for me to be around an attractive woman and not flirt.
[Rachel and Phoebe walk into the kitchen. Monica comes out of the bathroom and goes over to Ross.]
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas! And got divorced! Again!!!!
Phoebe: I dunno, lets see! So, okay, I dreamt that we were gonna get married, and he left, becuz he had to go fight a fire. And, um, so okay, I went to a night club, and I saw him making out with a girl.
[Rachel and Chandler re-emerge from the balcony.]
Mr. Geller: No! Thank you! (Hugs Chandler) Monica, and Ross! I dont know what Im gonna do about the two of you!
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers, Everyone is helping clean the table.]
Rachel: You guys! It was bananas, cream, and beef! I-I just cannot believe that you ate that so that I wouldnt feel bad!
Mrs. Geller: (pointing to herself and Jack) Well we left ours in Monicas bedroom.
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment, everyone except Ross is decorating the tree.]
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone except Phoebe and Joey are there.]
Joey: Nope, got it and I got yours (Pointing to Jack) too.
Mr. Geller: Well, its time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.
Ross: (gets up) All right. Y'know what? We dont have to go downstairs! We can bring Vegas up to us! (He grabs a deck of cards and pulls up a chair.) All right, come on, come on, we'll play some blackjack. Here we go. (Deals the cards.) 13.
Monica: Oh my God! We love that show! I mean Ross and I have been watching it since I can remember!
Janine: Thanks. (To Monica and Ross) Great so we can all go together! I gotta run. Catch you later!
Monica: (faking joy. Rubbing her stomach and smiling at the same time, like Joey said) Mmmm! Its good!
Ross: Okay, okay, well just get everyone to act like they like it. That-that way noone makes fun of her and we still get to go to Sweet Potatoe Pie! (Referring to the dancers.)
Dr. Harad: All right, I need a clamp, sterile towel, and channel 31.
Chandler: That was an obvious joke, and I didnt think of it. Why didnt I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!
Phoebe: Yeah. Lets see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
Joey: Oh. Maybe. But hey I know how I can find out. Were going to a New Years Eve party, right? So at midnight, I can kiss her. And if she kisses me back, great! Yknow? But if she says Dude, what the hell are you doing? I can say It wasnt me, it was New Years!
(He and Monica laugh)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment, Chandler is there. Phoebe and Rachel enter.]
[Scene: The Set, Joey, Janine, Ross and Monica are walking in.]
Ross: Uh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. Yknow? Say-say theyre coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, theyre laughing, yknow, someone innocently touches someone else Theres electricity, its new. Its exciting. Are you telling me there isnt even the slightest possibility of something happening?
Chandler: No, you dont have to, and you cant because I live here too.
Rachel: Dont worry, were just gonna search here for an hour, them were gonna go over to Joeys and search, OK?
Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up!
Phoebe and Rachel: No, we never do that
Chandler: Yknow when you guys said you were gonna go across the hall and look, you dont, you dont do that every year do you?
Chandler: (opens and reads it) "Benefits lapsed."
(He leaves, and this girl grabs Joey and starts dancing really wild.)
(She pulls Joey towards her and dances really close to him.)
(Camera pans to Joey and Janine)
Mr. Geller: And we kinda figured about the porch swing.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is playing that string game with the two hands and the weird crossing patterns as Chandler enters with the mail.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, Phoebe and Rachel are there and Chandler enters.]
Joey: No-no hey buddy, please let me dance with that girl, I really like her and I think I have a shot.
Ross: (grabbing a notepad and sitting down) All right, we'll start off slow. The only thing you have to do tonight is come up with the name of your main character.
(Ross and Monica high-five)
Director: Next on the platforms are (He points to the right of Ross and Monica, so they dance over to where hes pointing to. He points away from them) you two! And (He points the other way, and Ross and Monica follow his arm. Again he points away.) You two!
Phoebe: Yeah, my mom sent me a family heirloom that once belonged to my grandmother. Can you believe it?! A year ago I didn't even have a family, and now I have heirlooms for crying out loud.
Joey: Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, look buddy, I came with that girl, and I had this plan to kiss her at the new years countdown Im trying to win her over, so I was wondering if..
Chandler: Well, I'm gonna go home and bask in the triumph of my Central Park idea. (Gets up to leave.)
[Scene: The Set, Monica and Ross are dancing.]
[Cut to Joey and Janine]
CHAN: Hey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.
Joey: Hey, now youre the one who wet his pants. (He throws another handful on him and runs out)
Rachel: Oh good, great! I'll-I'll keep that in mind. (Turns and walks away.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what 'cha reading? (Phoebe ignores him) Pheebs? (Turns away) Hello? (He sits down next to her and she moves over a bit.) Phoebe? (He moves closer and she keeps moving away.) Phoe-Phoebe! (They end up hanging over the arm rest.) Come on! (He grabs the magazine away from her.)
Director: Oh no! You get up there and do that again exactly like that!
(They move into a space, and Ross points to his eyes and then to hers)
Monica: Okay, lets do it. Mom and Dad are gonna be so faced!
Ross: Well, fine. Fine! If-if Im the only person with any appreciation of the sanctity of the written word, Ill go up there and defend it myself! (Starts to do so, but stops and to the previous librarian) And dont you follow me!
[Cut to Ross and Monica, who are finally on a platform!]
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers apartment, Chandler and Rachel are there, and Phoebe enters with the Chick and the Duck.]
Phoebe: Yknow, birds have a very good sense of direction, and I thought maybe they could help us find where the presents are hidden.
Phoebe and Rachel: Why?
Monica: Okay, fine but please dont be upset! Okay? I was really depressed okay? And really drunk! I just wanted something stupid and meaningless. I just wanted just sex. So, when I went to your room that night I was actually looking for Joey. (Joey smiles.)
Phoebe: And the big ones for me!
Joey: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!'
[Scene: Joey and Janines apartment, they both enter.]
Chandler: Nobody is opening anything ok? Look, I dont know about you guys, but I wanna see the look on Monicas face when I give her my present, and Im sure she wants to see the look on my face when I get mine. So please, please, can we just, can we put them back?
Chandler: I dont wanna know what Monica got me. Yknow? I mean, look, Im sure she worked really hard at getting you a present, and wanting to surprise me, and you guys are gonna ruin that, and I, look we have to put these back, this is not what Christmas is about.
(Monica enters, and they throw the gifts behind them.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment, everyone except Joey is there.]
Janine: Well, I dont know tonight when they yelled cut and we didnt get to kiss, I was really, really, disappointed, and I just, really wanted to kiss you
Monica:: Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandler's room and I caught him molesting himself.
Phoebe: Okay. (Starts running crazily with her arms flapping and her legs far apart) Come on! That's not running! Let's go! (Rachel pauses, then follows, embarrassed.)
Monica: Well, if you hadn't meddled to start with, I wouldn't have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up - in the first place!
Monica: We were on the platform, ready to dance the world into the new Millennium, and the guy yelled CUT!
Rachel: Oh, why do you even bother? I already ruined her first birthday... And do you know how important these early experiences are Ross? Very! According to the back cover of that book that you gave me.
Monica and Ross: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 (Ross runs to be caught by Monica, but she moves out of the way)
Monica: I can do it, okay? Come on, lets go. (She and Ross get up)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone is there as Joey enters happily.]
Mrs. Geller: Chandler! Youve been Rosss best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems. (Ross gets disgusted.) And now youve taken on Monica as well. Well, I dont know what to say. Youre a wonderful human being.
Rachel: This bench, its hollow! I cant believe I never knew that! (She pushes all the pillows off it and opens it up) Oh, the presents!!!
(Joey nods yes, but suddenly realizes what he did and runs out of the apartment and back to his place.)
Phoebe: Yeah, but then Jacques Cousteau came and he kicked his ass for betraying me! It was soo cool! Then, he took me diving and he introduced me to his pet seahorse, who, by the way, was totally coming on to me, and please, that is not gonna happen.
Joey: Okay, Im all right, okay, but hey, could you just leave your lips? (She kisses him on the cheek and starts to leave.)
Janine: (to Monica and Rachel) Bye.
Chandler: (entering) Oh hey Rachel, sweetheart? You have got to tell the post office that you have moved. Okay? We are still getting all your bills and stuff. (Hands her all of her bills and stuff.)
Chandler: Okay, let me just jump in and ask, at what point did you think this was a successful marriage?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, scene continued from earlier.]
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Joey are sharing the sofabed in the living room. Joey is restless.]
[Monica and Chandler both are shocked. Ross gives Monica a take that! look.]
Phoebe: Well, Ursula is a waitress and-and she lives in Soho. And Phoebe, (pause) is on this couch.
Chandler: Oh right, your allergies. (Monica leaves and to the chick and duck) All her, she hates you. (Chandler leaves without finishing the message for Joey.)
Janine: I had so much fun tonight, and what a great restaurant.
[Scene: The Hallway between the apartments, Joey, Janine, Chandler, and Monica are returning from a double date. Chandler is telling a joke.]