words in movies
Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu] Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the night before.]
PHOE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
RACH: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
RACH: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.
[Scene: Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza.]
ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is showing everyone his new computer.]
CHAN: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.
CHAN: [doggedly] Games and stuff.
JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... [rubs his fingers together]
ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?
MNCA: We are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.
ROSS: Believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... [Rachel enters, carrying a tray]... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.
[Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.]
PHOE: [singing] There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!
[She tastes it, and obviously hates it.]
MNCA: Abso...[swallows hard]...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe.]
RACH: Why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation.]
CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste.]
MNCA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computer hotline.]
[Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Ross.]
[Ross and Rachel hug.]
ROSS: I know, I know, it's, it's almost...[turns around, sees Chandler and Joey] What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?
RACH: Ross, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.
RACH: And I'm in it? Then let me read it.
[Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who thinks he has come up with a good idea.]
CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."
RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.
RACH: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. [Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.]
[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]
[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.]
[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.]
[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.]
[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]
[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.]
MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.]
RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You plays)
[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.]
RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.
MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.
(they all jump up excitedly and try to see the ticket)
[Scene: Central Perk - Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the sofas. Joey enters]
Joey: You may be a sissy but I'll still (pound you out on ground). All right, it hurts so bad, I could only let her do oneeyebrow and now... they don�t match!
Phoebe: (hides her mouth behind the cup and speaks in the "pigeon voice" from before) Coo, again. Don't blame the pretty lady. It was not her fault. It was me, the pigeon, coo! (pause) Seriously, stop staring at her.
[Scene: Rachel and Joey's apartment]
Chandler: Yes, here it comes! Im stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I dont think so mister!
(Rachel comes out of her room and starts staring at him unseen)
Ross: (in a mocking voice)Uh...sure I do, and I also wanna be King of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.
(Ross points to the explanation and he gets it.)
Joey: Yeah, that was a disappointment...(pause) Oh, hey!D'you want to come down to the set and tell me if I'm doing ok?
Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? (Pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.)
Joey: Well, okay, I'll - I'll just call her and tell her the date's cancelled, and find him somebody else.
Rachel: Yes!! I mean sex does not have to be a big deal! There shouldnt be all this rules and restrictions! Yknow, people should be able to sleep with who ever they want, whenever
Phoebe: Well, it was an accident...You know, it's a lot of oil and sometimes the hand just slips!
Phoebe: And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once again be a masseuse in good standing!
Joey: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely gay stuff!
Director: On a bell please! Quietly.. and ACTION!
(the scene starts.Joey enters and there's a girl wearing a wedding dress near a bed)
TV: "And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7"
(Ross enters and he's really angry. He goes towards Chandler who's sitting at the counter)
Chandler: And, a lemon lime.
Ross: (in a strange voice and eating candies) The big apple!
Ross: Totally insane. Dude, let's drive home, we'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back and if...if they're closed maybe we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves.
Ross: (mockingly)A psychic AND a wishbone? Guys! Give someone else a chance!
Joey: Oh, you know, the writing was good, and the director is good, and... and my co-star's good but they're not as good as me!
Chandler: And I also got... two more apples.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the sofa]
Monica: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding night I ate his head.
Waiter: Look; you got stood up, who cares? We're gonna show you a good time. Just sit and relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab cake appetizer on the house.
Rachel: We have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But its actually for Joshua. (Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said hes not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I have the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting on the armchair.]
Rachel and Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: I beg to differ (shows him her cup of coffee and her plate of cookies).
Phoebe: Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat back (she puts the hat in a bag and she crushes it angrily on the floor with her foot).
Racel: Yes and you talked to her...
Chandler: Ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well I earned mineby plucking the eyebrows of my father and his �business� partners.
Chandler: Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, Ive-Ive been dating both of you, and its been really horrible. Cause y'know its been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didnt know how to chose, so... Im sorry, Im just, Im terrible, Im a terrible person. Im terrible.
Monica: Ok who thinks the food is delicious and a little pretention never hurt anyone? (a few raise their hands)
Phoebe: Oh no! He's not getting away that easy! (Phoebe and Joey run towards the bathroom and enter)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment, Rachel walks in]
Ross: (I can't make it out.) The uh, your hair, before, your hair, you said you thought your looks like an 8-year-old's, and I'm just saying I like it. The hair.
Monica: ooohh... hey! Wanna stick around and I'll whip you up some dinner?
Joey: And I couldn't find this little plastic thing (holds up plastic thing) that goes on top of the blender...and I thought...well... how important can that be, right...? Turns out very!
Monica: I don't care. <pauses and realizes...> Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold.
(Joey and Rachel continue to look at each other in silence for a while)
Rachel: (shakes her head) Alright, alright look, just uh... just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think about that when you're playing the scene.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartement, Monica is at the kitchen table writing something and Chandler enters kitchen area]
Monica: (without looking up from what she's doing) Besides tampons and salt? (Then looks) Ooh! My God! Maple candy! That's so sweet of you. (Opens the box) That's weird...it's empty!
Joey: (excited) Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! (leaves Rachel very touched on the couch and goes into his room)
Rachel: Woow!I haven't seen you this worked up since you did that dog food commercial and you thought you were gonna be with a real talking dog!
Joey and Phoebe: (Ad-lib good-byes) (Phoebe leaves)
Joey: (lifts Rachel up and moves her behind him so she can walk on) Hey, here you go.
Chandler: I also got this great salt and pepper shaker from the restaurant.
Rachel: (gets up from the sofa and moves to the kitchen but Joey blocks her way) Oh, sorry... Oops, sorry.
Joey: I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I can't go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.
Rachel: (giggling and whispering) Maybe.
(Monica points at Joey, Rachel turns and sees him)
Rachel: Do you think it's possible for two friends to fool around and... and not have it be a big deal?
Rachel: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and can't get it out of my head! And what's the big deal, people do it all the time!
Ross: (covering with his hand Chandler's face, like pretending he's not there) (to Monica) There're these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.
Rachel: All right, all right, you're right, I won't do anything with Joey, I just thought that we (Joey enters the hall) Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? (Joey enters his apartment)
Monica: Oh. Well, I didn't realize that you needed it back right away. I mean, you told me to go and be a caterer. So I went. I beed. I mean, I... I used it to buy all this stuff. But lookI've got another job tomorrow, so I'll pay you back with the money I make from that.
Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all". (pause) An option that many of my students use. (pause) Shall we?
Message: "Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers can't wait for your party tonight" (Joey's upset and stops it)
(Rachel enters the room and checks the answering machine)
Rachel: And you weren't going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first
Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?
Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) OH, a soap opera roof party!! I'm going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! (realizing how she's behaving) And it's out of my system!
[Scene: Ross, Charlie and Professor Spafford are sitting at the table in a restaurant]
Bitsy: By the way, do you know who's moving back into town? Tom and Sue's daughter Jen.
Rachel: Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split them up! (she tries to snatch the bowl from Joey's hands but she can't, so she pinches his nipple and she manages to take it)
Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting".
Ross: Oh my God, she's great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and she's just cool, and funny...
Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out!
Ross: (entering with Charlie) Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.
Monica: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a (aloud) HOTTY!! (Charlie looks at her) HI!
Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour!
Rachel: And he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!!
Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe) Ok... I mean...
(The lights dim and Chandler tries to get away but as the bitter lady comes on stage and starts yelling he promptly changes his mind and sits down)
Monica: (to Rachel) Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she's gettting one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of this "best wishes" crap. I want "love".
Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about Chandler!
Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victorias Secret catalogues, not a gym!
(cut to Ross and Charlie)
Chandler: What d'ya know... It's a treat for the eyes and the ears.
(Joey gives him the okay symbol, and Ross rushes towards him to be stopped by Chandler. Meanwhile, Phoebe goes over to the snack table as some guy, which turns out to be Ursula's fianc�e Eric, walks in and smacks her butt.)
Charlie: Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues...
Charlie: (smiling and thinks for a moment)... no... bu but there was my first boyfriend Billy.
Ross: Huh... huh... what a loser! Some more wine? (takes the half-full glasses and goes to the counter)
Monica: No! But because he thought I was to faaaaa . (Chandler emerges, without flushing by the way.) And every time I think about it, it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade! Yknow, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.
Joey: All right, so well get a little coffee, and get energized, and well head back out.
Ross: Yeah, pants, what, what an idea. Or better yet, um, how 'bout you go without any pants. Look, I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but just get your butt in there and pick out any shoes that fit your feet, okay. No, no I don't care if they match. I don't care if they make your ankles or your knees or your earlobes look fat. Okay.
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering about the woman that you brought and if you guys were together, or...
Rachel: Wherever I go. Come on you and me, we'll-we'll start a new group, we're the best ones.
Dirk: Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on "Days". And my character has just won the Nobel prize.