words in movies
Written by: Mark Kunerth Produced by: Robert Carlock and Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Final check by Kim
(Joey and Ross enter. Phoebe and Mike are sitting on the couch, reading a magazine.)
Chandler: It was pretty simple actually, I came up with a couple of cost-cutting solutions, wrote out a list and Monica told me to go to hell.
Ross: Yeah, and I'm responsible for just like half of that.
Phoebe: Yeah! Now, how would you feel if we gave all the wedding money to charity and we just got married at City Hall?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
Chandler: Kind of. She's coming by to interview us and see where we live.
Monica: And it has to go perfectly, because if she doesn't like something about us she can keep us off every adoption list in the state.
Chandler: (he stands up and he feels very offended) I don't, and I'm offended by the insinuation!
Chandler: I'll admit to the cigarettes and the magazine, but that tape is not mine.
Phoebe: And we don't want any recognition. This is completely anonymous.
Phoebe: Mr. X and Phoebe Buffay.
Mike: And "X" is spelled uhm... "Mike Hannigan".
Phoebe: Oh, look! And we get these free t-shirts! (she takes a t-shirt which was on the counter)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment.]
Rachel: Oh hey Ross... Listen, I heard about you and Charlie. I'm really sorry.
Ross: Like I said I was thinking of taking Emma to the museum of knives and fire!
Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to-had to cut a big chunk of my hair! (crying) And it was uneven for weeks!
Ross: (sarcastic) And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie!
Rachel: Ok, fine! You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. And I was thinking Claire Danes.
Ross: Look, I'm sorry to hear about your tragedy, ok? But the swings are perfectly safe, and besides Emma loves them. You know what, you should come with us and you'll see!
Rachel: Ross, those things go like 40 miles an hour! Ok? When you're... and there is that moment when you are at the top, when you just don't know if you're gonna return back to earth!
Chandler: Here we go. Stand up straight. (smiling) Big smile. (opens the door and both are smiling exaggeratedly)
Monica: We’re waiting for the adoption lady, but, hey, I’m glad you’re here. I was cleaning this morning and I found this (she puts a box on the table and opens it). I don’t know if you wanna use it, but…
Phoebe: No, no, no, we’re not having a big reception, we took the money we were gonna spend on a wedding and we donate them to the children charity.
Phoebe: We, you know, we’re different! We don’t care about having a huge party. (She picks up the veil) This is really nice for you, but, oh, please, I put this on? (she puts it on) And, ow, I look (she looks her reflex image on a toaster), why, well, radiant. (pause) All right, well, who cares, I don’t need a pretty veil and a fancy dress.
Monica: That’s right. You’re making a commitment and that’s the same, whether you do that at the Plaza or, where are you gonna do it?
[Scene: The playground. Ross put Emma on the swing and they’re ready to play]
Ross: Ok! (he takes the camera and walks backwards to take a shot) See? Scared of swings, I bet you feel pretty silly (a swinging boy knocks him down) Ow!
Charity guy: Hey, it’s not my business, (he takes their check from a drawer) besides it’s probably a good thing. We really would have been spoiling the children, all those food, and warm clothing…
Phoebe: Hey, that’s not fair! A person’s wedding is important! And especially to me! Ok? I didn’t have a graduation party! And I didn’t go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tire yard by an escaped mental patient who is his own words wanted to “kill me” or whatever. So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.( She storms out)
Monica: Hi, I am Monica and this is Chandler. Please come in.
Laura: Oh, it's nothing. I went on a date with a guy who lived in this building and it didn't end very well.
Laura: Yeah, we had a really great night and in the morning he promised he would call me and he didn't.
Monica and Chandler: OH GOD NO! Nope, no, no, no. No! No, no. Nope! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. NO! (finally Monica concludes) No!
Joey: (form the other side of the door) Hellooo? Anybody in there order a celebrity? (He starts to enter the apartment and Chandler runs to the door and shuts it back in his face) OW!
[Scene: Ross and Rachel are at the playground with Emma. Rachel in putting her back in the stroller and Ross is tending to his wound]
Ross: No! No, no, no, no, okay, it wasn't the swing's fault. It was my fault and kind of that (point to the kid that kicked him) kids fault. Who is still laughing. Nice.
Ross: No wait, okay, okay, I have an idea. I want you to get on the swing, okay? And you'll see that there's nothing to be afraid of.
Ross: Look, I just think you're an adult, okay? And you should get over your silly fears.
Ross: (He freaks out and starts jumping around brushing his sweater) WHAT? WHERE? WHERE?
Ross: I know. (Rachel bends down to Emma and Ross looks over his shoulder again, afraid)
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler is still leaning against the door, keeping Joey out, who is still banging and shouting on the other side.]
(cut to Joey on the other side, who finally leaves the door and goes to his apartment)
Laura: Bert and Ernie!
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike enter]
Phoebe: And if that guy at the charity gives us a hard time, my friend hasn't shot anyone in a really long time.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. They are preparing to show Laura around. Laura is standing with her back to the window, Chandler and Monica are standing on either side of her, facing each other.
(She starts checking her form. Chandler sees movement near the window from the corner of his eye and when he looks he spots Joey climbing up the fire escape and onto their balcony. He warns Monica silently.)
(Joey enters through the side window and jogs towards the kitchen holding a baseball bat)
Monica: So that was the baby's room. (They come out and Chandler throws Joey behind the couch and puts his foot on him. Monica looks at Chandler)
(Joey gets up and look annoyed)
Chandler: (escorting Joey to the door) You have to get out of here. You slept with our social worker and you never called her back and she is still pissed, so she can't see you.
(Joey leaves and closes the door behind him. Chandler walks towards the living room, but then Joey enters again.)
(He picks up his bat and holds it up, but then Monica and Laura enter the living room again. When Laura sees Joey, she freezes...)
Chandler: And for the last time, we do not want to be friends with you! And we don't want to buy your bat! (Joey lowers his bat)
Joey: Oh... yeah... Probably you don't even remember my name. It's Joey, by the way. And don't bother telling me yours, because I totally remember it... lady. Yeah! I waited weeks for you to call me.
Laura: (embarrassed towards Chandler and Monica) Well, I'm pretty sure I gave you my number.
Joey: No, no, hey, no! Too late for apologies... ok? You broke my heart. You know how many women I had to sleep with to get over you? (and he leaves the apartment, leaving her shocked)
Joey: (acting sad) NO! I waited a long time, I can't wait anymore... (and closes the door behind him)
Laura: Boy, you people are nice... And I've got to say... I think you're going to make excellent parents.
(Chandler and Monica hug each other, and then Joey enters the apartment again.)
Joey: LAURA! (and points to her, very confident)
[Scene: The New York City Children's Fund building. Phoebe and Mike are entering.]
Phoebe: Although... it's also about the wedding... Ugh, alright... here. (she gives the check and pulls it back again) No... Oh God... Oh!
Charity guy: Yeah... And I'm giving it back to you... Come on! Consider it a contribution. (gives the check to Phoebe)
Phoebe: (looks at the amount on the check, and gasps) Well, this is very generous!
Charity guy: Please, take the check, go have a great wedding and a wonderful life together.
Mike: Well, I mean... It sounds good to me. And that way we can save up, come back in a few years and make an even bigger donation.
Charity guy: Absolutely! And when you do, make sure you ask for Brian.
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. They are sitting in their living room when the phone rings.]
Monica: It was Laura... She gave us a great report and we are officially on the waiting list.
Monica: Now we just have to wait for a call and... and someone tells us there's a baby waiting for us. Oh...
(Chandler and Monica hug and after a while the telephone rings again... Monica's eyes get bigger. Chandler answers.)
[Scene: The playground. Ross, Rachel and Emma are still there. Rachel comes walking to Ross and Emma with something between her hands.]
Rachel: Ok... (and passes the spider to Ross who holds it in between his hands)
Ross: (Gasps and speaks at a higher pitch) This feels perfectly normal. Ok, get on the swing!
(She slowly grabs the chains of the swing, swings her hair back, and sits down.)
(She slowly walks forward and backward, to gain speed...)
Ross: There you go! Good for you! And you know what, I'm actually getting used to this little guy. I don't really even feel him in here anymore.
(Ross is now preoccupied with the spider, and forgets that Rachel is still using the swing. While trying to get rid of the spider, he stands in front of Rachel, who bumps into him, throwing him on the ground again.)
(Rachel tries to stop mid-swing, and the swing starts to turn from side to side)
[Scene: Joey and Janines, Joey is pacing around as Chandler and Monica enter.]
Rachel: Ooh, Phoebes here! Okay, lets turn out all the lights and well just watch the movie!
[Scene: Joey and Janines, continued from earlier.]
[Scene: The Gellers Garage, Mr. Geller and Ross are finishing up recreating Monicas memories as Monica enters.]
Joey: Because she uh, she-she thinks that you are blah and that you, Monica, are too loud.
Joey: And it is a love that is based on having and giving and receiv(Shuts up on Monicas glare.)
Joey: I know! I know! Come on, please-please you guys, dont-dont be mad. Im sure she just, she just said that stuff because she was nervous and you guys are like my best friends! Yknow? And it was our first date! Plus, shes really sick!
Rachel: Come on! They rushed into this thing so fast its ridiculous! I mean, theyre gonna be engaged for like what? A year? And somewhere along the way, one of them is gonna realise what theyve done and theyre call the whole thing off. Im telling ya, youre gonna be dancing at my wedding before youre dancing at theres.
(They exit and close the door.)
Chandler: And I am not blah, I am a hoot!
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are watching a movie.]
Phoebe: Wow! Oh my God, well if theyve ripped off our table ours must be much more than one and fifty dollars!
Ross: Of course not, it smells like wine, which you spilled! And thanks for wrecking my sheet by the way.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Chandler are sitting at the kitchen table.]
Chandler: I dont believe it. The most romantic night of my life and Im runner up.
Rachel: Look he doesnt have any brothers or sisters, somebodys gonna have to teach him this stuff! And I havent taught him anything that a normal 6-year-old doesnt know anyway!
Joey: Look, come on you guys, you said you were gonna try! All right look, I came over here to invite you guys to a movie with me and Janine.
[Scene: The Street, Phoebe and Rachel are heading back from that Colonial flea market.]
Phoebe: Oh, come on! I think hes ready to get rid of, what did you call it? The cheap knock-offs and dinosaur junk.
Rachel: Okay! Okay-okay lookno I did, I just wanted this stuff and I know how you feel about Pottery Barn. Just Come on dont be mad.
[Scene: The hallway, Joey, Janine, Monica, and Chandler are returning from their second date.]
Chandler: And Im blah? Listen, the only thing more boring than watching modern dance is having to listen to you talk about it, (Imitating her) "Oh Chandler, I just lost myself in the moment."
[Cut to Joey and Janines, theyre entering.]
Monica: (steps up and points at her) All right! You and me! Lets go! Right now!
Joey: All right! All right! Enough! Enough! Enough!! Enough! (To Chandler and Monica) You two go home! I-I-I gotta talk to Janine! (They start to leave.)
(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)
Joey: Yeah! Yeah! That would be very helpful! Yeah. (He opens the door for her and she exits into the hallway.)
Joey: (entering) Look, what am I gonna do? I'm not flirting but still, I'm drawing her to me like - like a moth to a flame! (Tries to put his feet on the coffee table...they won't reach and looks around.) What the hell's going on over here?!?!? (Points to Chandler) Monica's gonna kill you! Look I need your help, I have to do something to-to repel this woman! Wait a minute, wait a minute, you guys repel women all the time.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Chandler, and Monica are there as Joey enters.]
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel and Monica are there. Ross walks in with a magazine in his hand.]
(Rachel is looking at the magazine and laughing.)
(He now turns to the other side, which also starts spraying his face and front.)
Joey: Chandler, Chandler, yknow what we should do? You and I should go out and get some new sunglasses.
Chandler: Dude, you have got to turn on Behind the Music. The band Heart is having a really tough time, and I think they may break up.
Rachel: What? Uhh, Phoebe, honey, honey, I know you're quirky and I get a big kick out of it, we all do actually, but if you destroy a coat like this that is like a crime against nature! Not nature, fashion!
Joey: I know! Yeah, but, look I can handle it. All right? Look, I can listen to the radio, huh? And Ross gave me this great book (holds up the Playboy magazine).
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is balancing a mini hockey stick on his hand as Chandler enters from his room carrying a bunch of bills.]
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica and Rachel are on the couch looking at the Playboy magazine. When they hear someone coming, Monica goes to hide it under the sofa cushions.]
Phoebe: (following him) And did you notice the ice? (Gestures to 3 huge buckets of ice on the table.) Look! We have it all! We have crushed! Cubed! And dry! Watch! (Pours some water onto the dry ice, causing it to evaporate/smoke.) Ahhh! Mystical!
Ross: Oh yeah, about telling Mom and Dad, I was thinking about maybe writing a letter.
Rachel and Monica: Yeah.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Aw, remember the days when you used to go out to the barn, lift up your shirt, and bend over?
(He and Chandler crack up.)
Chandler: So, you stole my joke, and you stole my money.
Phoebe: No-no-no, but I am mad! I am mad! Because this stuff is everything that is wrong with the world! And its all sitting up in my living room and all I can think about is how I dont have that lamp!
[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Chandler, and Ross are sitting on the couch.]
(He and Ross crack up again. Joey just sits there)
[Scene: Monica and Chandlers bedroom, they are in bed together.]
Rachel: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.
Joey: Uh, I dont know. Ya see, its just, see I was a regular on a soap opera yknow? And to go from that to this, I just Plus, Id have to wait on all my friends.
[Scene, Phoebe and Rachels, theyre sitting together on the couch.]
Phoebe and Rachel: Hey.
Chandler: Maybe its the sound of Ross climbing into my brain and stealing my thoughts.
(They go out to investigate, and find Joey wrapped in a blanket watching their television.)
Chandler: And here is the bottle of wine for you to bring over tonight. (Hands it to him.) You were also going to buy Monica flowers but you couldnt afford it, because you paid dinner last night.
Joey: (sheepishly) I finished my book. (Chandler and Monica slowly retreat back to bed.)
Phoebe: Oh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like y'know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so y'know we made a deal thats hes going to teach me all sorts of jock stuff.
(Ross leaps out of his chair and runs out the door, with Chandler in hot pursuit.)
Monica: (into phone) Pants and a sweater? Why, mom? Who am I gonna meet in a blackout? Power company guys? Eligible looters? Could we talk about this later? OK. (hangs up)
Monica: That is completely untrue. You think Im high maintenance? Okay, prove it. I want you to make a list and were going to go through it point by point!
Monica: (to Phoebe) You start working on that list. (She grabs her coat and leaves, too.)
(Ross begins to say something, realizes what Gunther just said, turns, and glares at Chandler. Chandler just shrugs it off.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, and Chandler are there as Ross enters and sees Gunther.]
(Gunther looks at the joke and laughs.)
Joey: Sure. (To Monica and Rachel) Coffee? Cause Im going up there.
Ross: Seriously, I-I asked you before and you still havent gotten it.
Rachel: Come on, Joey, I did it and it was fine.
Joey: I mean, the jobs easy and the moneys good, you know? I guess Im going to be hanging out here anyway. I might as well get paid for it, right? I just feel kind of weird serving you guys.
Chandler: I think its great that you work here. Youre going to make a lot of money, and heres your first tip: Dont eat yellow snow. (He laughs, then picks up a pen, glares at Ross, and writes in his journal). Ah ha ha, 2:15, coffeehouse.
(He looks at Rachel and winks, she gives him the thumbs-up sign.)
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachels, Phoebe is sitting on the couch as Rachel and Monica enter.]
Joey: Oh, Im sorry, Ross. Ill get it for you right now. And since I made you wait, Ill toss in a free muffin.
Monica: So, maybe I am a little high maintenance. And maybe Rachel is a little bit of a pushover. But you know what we decided you are?
Rachel: Yeah, and I am okay with being a pushover.
Monica and Rachel: You did!
Ross and Chandler: Its my joke.
Rachel: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin?
Ross: Well each tell you how we came up with the joke and then you decide which one of us is telling the truthme.
Ross: No. I... I wanted to be with you. I dont know, I feel like lately, I feel like youre slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and youve got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know its dumb, but I hate that Im not a part of it.
Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book...
Phoebe: No, I made myself take an oath. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that ones actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.
RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.
(Both Chandler and Ross are eager to hear her decision.)
[Scene: Joeys bedroom, its the middle of the night, hes waking up and discovers hes alone in bed.]
Mike: (puts on a fake smile) Where else would lame Mr. No Balls hide it? (he takes the ring from the cake, and cleans it with a napkin)
Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us.
(Rachel and Phoebe exchange looks.)
Monica: Hey, its Phoebe and Rachel. Um, why dont you tell them what you were telling me earlier about me not being high maintenance?
Monica: (embarrassed) (To Phoebe and Rachel) I didnt even tell him to say that. (They hug). All right youre off my list.
Joey: Well, I had the audition but Gunther said I had to stay here and be in charge so he could go get his hair dyed. So, I went anyway, and then he fired me.
Joey: Not good, no. I didnt get the part, and I lost my job here, so
Rachel: Oh, Im sorry. (Gets up and moves.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table, talking.]
Chandler: Im sorry. Youre not easy-going, but youre passionate, and thats good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that Im pretty good about making you feel better about that. And thats good too. So, they can say that youre high maintenance, but its okay, because I like maintaining you.
[Scene: Carol and Susans, Rachel is talking with Ben.]
Russell: And well need to have witnesses who can testify that you were not of uh, sound mind.
(Joey, Chandler and Ross enter.)
Woman: How much do I owe you for the muffin and the latte?
Woman: Oh great! Well, tell him thanks. And since uh, Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, everyone but Monica is there playing Monopoly.]