words in movies
Part I Written by: Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri Part II Written by: Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Parts I and II Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is showing Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe his engagement ring again.]
(She takes it out of her mouth and hands it to him as Monica returns from her room and this time forcing Chandler to put the ring in his mouth.)
Phoebe: (To Chandler) Were practically kissing. (Makes a kissy face and winks at him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Are any of you guys free tonight? My boss is hosting this charity event for underprivileged kids and the more people I bring, the better I look. So, Monica? Chandler?
Chandler: (glaring at her) Well, Monica and Chandler cant go. Were going to dinner remember?!
Rachel: How about you guys? (Points to Phoebe and Joey.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is practicing proposing.]
Chandler: Will you marry me? Will you marry me? (Makes like a gun with his fingers.) Hey, you marry me! (He gives up as Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross slink in all excited.) Whats going on little elves?
Chandler: Yeah, right here in my pocket. (Pats his pocket. Phoebe smiles, goes over to hug him, and removes the ring from his pocket.) Pheebs?
Chandler: Okay, now will you guys get out of here? I want this is to be a surprise and shes gonna know.
Monica: Oh, thank you! (The gang exhibits signs of quiet apprehension and wears knowing glances.) (Monica giggles.) Whats going on?
[Scene: The Charity Event, theyre holding a silent auction, Rachel is looking at one of the items and Phoebe walks up and hands her a glass of wine.]
Rachel: Uh well, uh this is a silent auction. They lay out all the stuff here and then you write down your offer and then the highest bid gets it.
Rachel: And I also brought my friend Joey
Rachel: Thank you. (Mr. Thompson walks away and after hes left.) Okay, (writing her bid down) twenty dollars.
[Scene: Elizabeths Dorm Room, Ross is walking up to her door and knocks on it. Suddenly the door opens and Elizabeth drags him into the room.]
Zoe: Shut the door! Shut the door!! (Runs over and closes the door.)
Elizabeth: (ignoring him and picking up a pitcher) Who drank all the Kamikazes?
Sarah: (approaching with two filled balloons in her hands) Nobody! We put them in here! (Indicates the aforementioned balloons causing both of them to scream in delight and start drinking from the balloons.)
(Suddenly the door opens and two guys come rushing in wielding water balloons.)
(Both opposing camps start screaming at each other to drop their weapons and surrender. Finally, Ross steps in as a mediator.)
Mr. Thompson: And finally, our biggest item of the night, the 22-foot gentlemans day sailer sailboat. The winning bid was a whooping $20,000! (Joey suddenly gets excited.)
(Everyone applauds and he stands up slowly.)
Phoebe: Forget her! You enjoy this!! (Pulls him back up and starts applauding again. Joey waves and does a salute.]
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are sitting at a table. Monica is checking her makeup as Chandler suddenly has a horrifying thought and starts patting down his pockets until he finds what hes looking for and sighs in relief.]
Chandler: (trying to cover up why his hand is over his heart) One nation, under God. Indivisible with liberty and justice for all. (Laughs.) I remembered it. (Its a butchered version of the Pledge of Allegiance of the United States for our foreign friends.) The champagne is here. (The waiter is delivering it and pouring two glasses.)
Chandler: Oh, yeah. (Starts to take it off and then realizes) Uh, no you cant have my jacket! Because then I would be cold! If you thought that you were going to be cold, you shouldve brought your own jacket. But uh, other than that, are you okay? Are you okay?
Chandler: Yes! Im fine. In fact Ive been fine for a long time now and I think, the reason is you.
Chandler: Okay umm, before I meant you I had really little life and I couldnt imagine growing old with
(As hes talking Monica notices someone familiar has just entered the restaurant. Lets see; I seem to remember him driving a Ferrari in Hawaii solving crimes as a private investigator and as a certain eye doctor in more recent times.)
Chandler: What?! Im Chandler! (She nods towards the doorway, Chandler turns and looks) Oh, thats Richard!
Chandler: Hey-hey, hey! (Gets up and hugs him.) I dont know why I did that!
Chandler: (to Richards date) And uh, you dont have a mustache which is good. (She just smiles.) Im Chandler; I make jokes when Im uncomfortable.
Matire'd: (motioning to the empty table next to Monica and Chandlers) Or if you prefer, this table is available.
Richard: That might be fun. (Richard and Lisa sit down.)
[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting at their table.]
(Mr. Thompson looks shocked and at Rachel, she suddenly starts laughing.)
(After hes left, Rachel stops laughing and glares at Joey again.)
Rachel: (stopping him) Hey! You cant leave Joey! You agreed to buy that boat, all right?! That is a contract! And plus if you leave, my boss is gonna kill me!
Rachel: I know. Okay. (Whispering and thinking.) Okay. Okay. All right. All right, this is what were gonna do, we are gonna go to the next highest bidder, and we are just gonna let them buy it, and then youre just gonna pay the difference.
Joey: Look, I dont know why the kids need a youth center anyway! Yknow? They should just watch TV after school like I did and I turned out fine!
[Scene: The Restaurant, Monica and Chandlers and Richard and Lisas tables have been pushed together and theyre all eating and talking.]
Monica: And so, were hiding in the bathroom.
Richard: And-and then I sneak out and before Monica can her parents come in.
Monica: So I hide in the shower and the next thing you know theyre going at it right on the bathroom floor.
Richard: Its so great seeing you guys again. Id like to make a toast. (Everyone raises their glasses) Uh, as a poet once said, "In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and sharing of pleasures for in the due of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed."
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica and Chandler are returning to find Ross is there waiting for them.]
Ross: Yknow, maybe she is too young for me. Yknow, when I was over there and she was running around with her friends, I felt like I was a baby-sitter. I finally started to see what you guys were talking about. I dont know what to do.
Monica: Why dont you just weigh out the good stuff about the relationship against the bad stuff. I mean thats what I did when I first (looks at Chandler and pauses) weighing stuff.
Ross: Okay, good stuff. Umm, well shes-shes sweet and pretty and
[Scene: The Charity Event, Rachel and Phoebe are sitting at the table as Joey approaches.]
Joey: (To Phoebe) Oh and uh the guy who got the Paris trip is at table four.
Phoebe: Its a trip for two! (She gets up and takes off her blouse-type thingy shes wearing over her dress.) Excuse me. (She walks over to table four.) Excuse me, is the person who won the Paris trip at this table?
[Cut to Joey and Rachel approaching table one.]
Rachel: Oh well, hello. This is your lucky day Mr. Bowmont, the uh gentleman day sailer as just become available again and I believe that you made a bid of $18,000.
Rachel: Okay look, let me paint you a little picture. (She sits down next to him.) All right, you are settin sail up the Hudson! Youve got the wind in your h(sees that hes bald)arms! You-you get all that peace and quiet that youve always wanted! You get back to nature! You can go fishin! You canooh, you can get one of those little hats and have people call you captain, and then when youre old, Cappy.
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is taking out the garbage as Phoebe and Joey enter. Phoebe gasps.]
(Chandler puts his face in his hands as Joey and Phoebe start to examine the trash.)
Chandler: Who walks into a room and asks to see a persons hands?!
Rachel: (entering) Hey! (Sees Monica, gasps, and runs over to her.) Oh my God youre here, let me see your hand!!
[Scene: Outside of Elizabeths dormitory, Ross is exiting after breaking up with her and we can hear his thoughts.]
(She throws a water balloon at him and hits him on the head and hits him again at the waist with another one.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is looking out the window and Joey is sitting on the couch.]
Joey: Yeah! And also, a little like a French guy. (They both squint at each other.) I never noticed that before.
Chandler: Oh, just hanging out, talkin about uh, websites. (Joey laughs.) Yeah, we saw this really interesting website about marriage and how totally unnecessary it is and how its just a way for the government to keep tabs on you.
(We hear the backup horn of a truck and see through the window that the Mr. Bowmont has arrived.)
Joey: (all excited) The Mr. Bowmonts here!!! (Jumps over the back off the couch and runs out into the street.)
Richard: I still love you. And I know I probably shouldnt even be here telling you this, I mean youre with Chandler a guy I really like, and if you say hes straight Ill believe you! After seeing ya the other night I knew if I didnt tell ya Id regret it for the rest of my life. Letting you go was the stupidest thing I ever did.
Richard: Well yeah, Im sorry. I know this is the wrong time and the wrong place but I had to tell ya! I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna marry you. I wanna have kids with you.
Richard: Well I know I was an idiot! And I tried to forget you, I really did! Yknow after we had lunch last year I spent six months in Africa trying to get you out of my head!
Richard: Okay thats fine, Ill walk away. And Ill never bother you again, but only if you tell me Chandlers willing to give you everything I am.
Rachel: Isnt it incredible?! Monica and Chandler, gettin married.
Rachel: Im so happy and not at all jealous.
Rachel: I mean Im probably 98% happy, maybe 2% jealous. And I mean whats 2%? Thats nothing.
[Scene: A Pizza Joint, Chandler and Monica are eating lunch.]
Chandler: Sure I do. In fact, I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural. I mean look at pigs. Lets take a second here and look at pigs. Okay pigs dont mate for life. I mean a pig can have like a hundred sexual partners in a lifetime, and thats just an ordinary pig not even a pig thats good at sports!
(She gets up and storms out. The people at the other tables are staring at Chandler.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are still talking.]
Rachel: Yeah, Im pretty confident about that. Thats what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, is practicing his slipknots as Monica enters.]
Monica: You just told me that he hates marriage! That-that hes a-a complex fellow whos unlikely to take a wife! That-that hes against marriage and always will be!
(Theres a knock on the door, he shuts the TV off, and answers it.)
Rachel: Oh thank you. Hey yknow, Im so sorry to hear about you and Elizabeth.
Rachel: So what do you say we make a pact? If you and I are both single by the time were 40, we get married. I mean, we know each other, we like each other, and weve-weve already slept together so yknow therell be no surprises there! You know what I mean? No like, "Whats that?!"
Rachel: Ross! I just had a conversation with her, and she said that she and Joey made a deal!
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Chandler is entering to find Joey, still looking like Captain Stubing, on the phone.]
Joey: Yeah! Yeah, Ive been trying to find ya to tell to stop messing with her and maybe I would have if these (lifts a leg) damn boat shoes wouldnt keep flying off!
Joey: Look, Chandler I dont think us getting our asses kicked is a solution. Okay? Just go and find Monica!
Chandler: Okay. (Starts running for the bedroom) Im gonna get the ring! Im gonna get the ring! (Does so) Im gonna go find her and (starts running for the door) Im just going to propose!
[Scene: Richards Apartment, hes smoking a cigar and reading a book as there is a knock on the door. He gets up and opens the door to reveal ]
Richard: Oh, okay. Well, Ill just leave the door open and go sit on the couch. (Does so.)
Monica: Yeah but it was because I-I had an eye exam and I dont like my new eye doctor.
Monica: But getting over was the hardest thing that Ive ever had to do. And I never let myself think about you.
Rachel: Phoebe! You picked Joey and Ross?! You can not have two backups!
Joey: Phoebe! Were both (points at Ross and himself) your backup?!
(She turns her head away and when shes not looking, Phoebe shakes her head and mouths, "No, Im not." Both Joey and Ross smile, look at each other, and then stop smiling.)
Rachel: Okay, yknow what?! I know-I know how to settle this! All right here, this is what were gonna do! Im gonna write Joey on one napkin (does so) and Im gonna right Ross on the other napkin (does so) and we are going to pick one! And that person is going to be our backup! Okay?
(Rachel mixes them up in her hands, moves them all around, and puts her hands behind her back.)
Phoebe: Left! (Rachel hands her the napkin in her left hand and they both unfold and read them.) Thank you.
[Scene: Richards Apartment, Monica is looking around and notices an African mask hanging on the wall.]
Monica: Oh! (Laughs and points at the mask.) Him.
Monica: Yknow, lets face it, Im not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I dont want that!
Monica: Nothing. (She backs away a little bit but is still in his arms and looks up at his eyes.) I dont knUmm. I dont know. Umm
[Scene: Richards Apartment, time lapse. Richard is smoking as he hears a knock on the door. He quickly puts out his cigar and opens the door.]
Chandler: Where is she? Im not scared of you! (Averts his eyes and walks in.)
Richard: Shes not here and please come in.
Chandler: And what does she have to think about? I love her!
Chandler: It was working until you showed up, you big tree! I mean, this isnt fair. You had your chance with her! You had your chance and you blew it! And this is my chance and I am not going to blow it because we are meant for each other! And this is all just been one stupid mistake! (Sits down heavily.) I was gonna propose tonight.
Richard: No I dont have a ring! (Pause) You go get her Chandler. (Pause) And can I give you a piece of advice? If you do get her, dont let her go. Trust me.
(Chandler gets up and runs out, but as soon as the door closes behind him he opens it, runs back in, picks up his ring Richard is holding up for him, and runs back out.)
[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is running up the stairs and towards his apartment, but Joey is taking out the garbage at the same time and stops him in the hall.]
Joey: Shes gone. She had a bag and she left.
Joey: She was all crying. She-she said you guys want different things, and that and that she needed time to think.
Joey: To her parents I think and she said you shouldnt call her. But if I were you I would.
(He walks dejectedly into his apartment to find it lit with about a thousand candles and Monica standing in the living room.)
(He turns to look at Joey who smiles slyly and closes the door leaving them alone.)
Chandler: Okay! (He joins her on one knee) Okay! Okay! Oh God, I thought (Starting to cry, pauses) Wait a minute, I-I can do this. (Pause) I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, (Pause) you make me happier than I ever thought I could be. (Starting to cry again.) And if youll let me, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. (Pause as he gets out the ring.) Monica, will you marry me?
(The crowd goes wild as he puts the ring on her finger. They hug and kiss this time as an engaged couple.)
Monica: Come in! Come in! (Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe burst through the door.) Were engaged!!!
(Everyone screams and has a group hug.)
[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, its just Monica and Chandler dancing to Wonderful Tonight on the Slowhand album by Eric Clapton. And you can buy that album from the CFSI, just click on the CDNow link.]
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]
Monica: (Holding a shirt in front of Ross.) Okay, maybe this will make your teeth look less white. (Ross has a big smile.) Nope. Okay, colors that dont work are blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange, and purple.
Ross: Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I meet, and I-I cant decide between the two of them. Yknow the one from Poughkeepsie, even though shes a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. Yknow shes, well shes-shes just as pretty, I guess shes smart, shes not fun.
MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is.
Rachel: (entering, carrying an armful of those little soaps.) Hey-hey, you guys oh hurry up, get some, theres a whole cart outside (Sees the Walthams and stops.)
(Brenda pulls a chair to the counter and uses it to get up on the counter in order to clean the top of the cabinets. Monica sneaks over, bends over, and tries to see the stain. That doesnt work so she sticks her head between Brendas legs. Suddenly Brenda changes her stance and traps Monicas head between her legs.)
[Scene: Phoebe's cab, Joey and Chandler are headed across the George Washington bridge on their way to Las Vegas. Joey is driving.]
Chandler: (Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught by Richard's video collection) Look at these videos. You know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!
Ross: (looks angrily at Joey and points at him) I swear to God...! (Joey is in shock)
Ross: (looking in the window behind them) Yknow, yknow Im lookin and I dont think anyones home here. I say we just break the window, crawl through, and-and yknow explain later.
Rachel: (screams and grabs a potato masher to defend herself) Sorry. Im sorry.
Phoebe: Well, there's a spot open for only one groomsman and you have to choose between Ross and Chandler. So good luck with that.
[Scene: Caesar's Palace Casino, Chandler is looking for Monica while Tom Jones's signature song is playing in the background (Getting the theme yet? Tom Jones, Wayne Newton, casinos They're in Vegas people! Catch up!) It's Not Unusual, y'know, "It's not unusual to be loved by anyone! It's not unusual to have fun with anyone! But when I see you hanging about with anyone, it's not unusual to see me cry! I wanna die." Well, while that's playing he spots Monica playing craps and in victory hug the guy next to her. Chandler turns and walks out.]
Frank: I mean, how hard can it be? Y'know, I mean, y'know, babies, y'know who doesnt want babies right? And besides y'know, I never had a Dad around, and ah, now-now I always will, cause y'know, itll be me. Right?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound � and the breasts of a Greek goddess.
Helena: I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and (She holds the mike out to the audience.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie album]
{There's another continuity error here. Before Monica says I love you, Chandler's holding the vests so that you couldn't see the collar, you could see all three, and they were folding nicely. After she says the line and the camera cuts back to Chandler, you can only see two out of the three, you can see the collar of the top one, and it looks like it was folded sloppily, unlike before. Hey, you notice things while spending this much time on this!}
Chandler: and then it got canceled.
Ross: Alright. (He goes to get the glasses. Then he hesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel looks round and he acts surprised) The, uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. (He sits down and starts to pour the wine) Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um...
Joey: We broke down on the Parkway, so I have to walk back and get some transmission fluid. And hey, listen could you please tell Kathy that Ill be there as soon as I can.
MRS. GREENE: Alright, Monica dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.
Joey: Actually, y'know its kinda cold, so how about I keep my boxers on, and give you all a peek at the good stuff?
[Scene: Richards bedroom, Monica has covered it in rose pedals and candles. We hear Richard come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically throws the rest of the pedals on the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth, and bites a thorn.]
PHOEBE: Oh OK. [pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder] Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.
Monica: Why not?! I mean this has been the most amazing week. Would it be so terrible? Even if we were friends who lived together. Or, maybe someday friends who stood up in front of their other friends, and vowed to be friends forever.
Phoebe: Oh Joey, weve heard the specials three times! Okay? Theres prime rib, mahi mahi, and a very special lobster ravioli. (She grabs his menu and hands it to the waiter.)
[They both get up and head for the door. Clunkers whines a little]
PHOEBE: Yu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.
Monica: And thats why, Im not inviting you in for a drink. (starts to leave) Bye.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Joey are "updating" Joey's resumé.]
(Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.)
Robin: (starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Would you--Give me this thing (grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy) And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You are a bastard for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!!
(They start kissing again and, when Joey grazes her thigh, she slaps him on his hand again)
Chandler: And Im the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a huff.) Oh honey, come on dont be upset. We still have so much to look forward to!
Rachel: Ohh please don't be from a real dinosaur! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! (She picks up the 2 pieces and looks at the stand.) Made in Mexico! Yes!! Ugh, who would buy this?! (Looks for a place to hide it and finds a wall sconce and drops the pieces into it and heads into the kitchen as the phone rings.)
Ross: What?! No! No! Wait! Youre right, this is stupid. Who cares what people think? I mean, I mean we like each other right? Theres nothing wrong with that. Come on. (They get up and go over to the table where his colleagues are sitting.) Burt? Lydia? Mel? This is Elizabeth.
Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her conversation) That's what I'm saying. (Laughs.)
-Cuts to Monica (She's just arrived outside his room she fixes a bent photo hanging on the wall then sprays mint in her mouth and enter)
Mrs. Geller: And the next time you cater for me, there will be nothing but ice in the freezer. (She starts to bite her nails)
Ross: All right, fine! Fine! Have me fired! But uh, I want you to know that you and I are not all that different. I mean, I too am a neat guy. (Paul just looks at him.)
Chandler: Monica, you have got to stop this competitive thing! Okay? It's crazy. {Finally! The voice of reason.} I mean, just impress Gary and Phoebe we have to go upstairs and have sex over and over and I'm saying no to this, why? Get your coat.
Ross: Yknow what? I-Im not even gonna talk about this. Okay? This little thing is over. I know you have a girlfriend! Okay(Ned looks shocked)Yeah! And I know about the other professors! How do you think that makes me feel Ned?! You used me! You dont love me and you never did! (Ross turns around to make a grand exit but runs into two colleagues.) Ah Professor Winston, Professor Fredrickson, Ill be right with you. (To Ned) Dont make this worse and Ill give you a C. (To the professors) Shall we? (They leave.)
Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "Im Rachel Greep! Im Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.
Joey: Great Great and thanks for being so understanding. I mean, I didnt want to make a big deal out of this, you know. (She starts to collect all the girlie stuff up.) You could, uh, put the picture of the famous baby in my room. I mean, if you want to.
Rachel: Look, I know you guys heard about the whole thing with me and Ross but y'know, I've been obsessing about it all day and I'd just love not to talk about it. All right?
Rachel: Oh, well drop and give me ten more!
Written by: Doty Abrams Produced by: Wendy Knoller Transcribed by: Coffee Mug, Eleonora, Sebastiano & Vanessa Flashback clips transcribed by: Guineapig, Dan Silverstein, Ruth Curran, Eric Aasen and Mindy Mattingly Phillips, and compiled by Eleonora. Final check by Kim
(Joey starts to leave to embark on his genius moneymaking scheme, but is freaked out slightly when as he goes to open the door, there's a mysterious knock. He calms himself down and opens the door to reveal Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Weee!!! (Ross pushes her and lets go.)
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Chandler is getting help writing his vows from Joey and Ross.]
Chandler: And! They like me more just because I was with ya! I think you repaired a lot of the damage from when they met Joey. And Doug wants us to play tennis with them. He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club. (She glares at him.) Strip church. Anyway, I'm gonna go try and find a racquet.
Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the blender without the lid on it and fruit flies everywhere.)
David: Where the story was that I was anticipating that I would be around to hear my sons first words spoken. But the scene was about that he wasnt supposed to be able to speak and, uh for some reason when we started doing the show
Chandler: And thats the only colour that comes in.
Chandler: Tell her, I'm allergic, and I will sue!
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
Rachel: (on the answering machine) Ross, hi. It's me. I just got back on the plane. And I just feel awful. That is so not how I wanted things to end with us. It's just that I wasn't expecting to see you, and all of a sudden you're there and saying these things... And... And now I'm just sitting here and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn't. I mean, I didn't even get to tell you that I love you too. Because of course I do. I love you. I love you. I love you. What am I doing? I love you! Oh, I've gotta see you. I've gotta get off this plane.
(They both pull but Joey slips out and starts to fall backwards just as Chandler enters, scaring him.)
(Chandler enters hungover and groaning)
Matt: And then sometimes during the show yknow but youre like, the scenes going one way but youre just tempted to say something another time. Like, do you remember that one where Monicas baking cookies in our old apartment?
(Rachel approaches and we see the fruits of Ross's evil plan. He has drawn a moustache and beard on Rachel. The flight attendant just ignores it.)
(Monica rolls, and Ross goes first.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Only Chandler is there with the videotape in his hands, standing in front of the TV set.]
[Scene: The Hospital, Ross and Rachel, whos in a wheelchair, are arriving in the waiting room for the maternity ward.]
Ross: I dont think so! Youre just giving me Ruth so youll get to name it when its a boy, and thats when youll swoop in and name him Heath or Blaine or Sequoia.
Ross: Look, I-I know how miserable you are, I wish there was something I can do. I mean I wish I were a seahorse. (She glares at him) Because with seahorses its the male, they carry the babies. And then also umm, Id be far away in the sea. (He sits back down.)
[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emilys apartment. We hear Emilys phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhoo, Ross looks around for the ringing phone and in the meantime Emilys answering machine picks up and once again with amazing clarity we hear Emily say ]
Joey: No-no, I cant! I cant! Not after the other night, its just its too weird, okay? Dont tell her Im here! (Turns to run to the bathroom and his bagel falls off the plate onto the floor.) Dont eat that! (Runs to the bathroom as Rachel enters.)
Chandler: We are going to have a legitimate member of the clergy! And when I say legitimate I mean, gay and in control of his saliva!
Monica: Well I guess there is no harm in telling you now, Rachel and Ross are gonna have a baby.
Rachel: Youre so sweet. (Notices something in the crib.) Oh my God! And you gave the baby Hugsy! (A stuffed penguin wearing a ski jacket, goggles, and hat.)
Monica: Dad, please dont pick your teeth out here! Alright, and if youre gonna put your feet up, why dont you sit on the-
[Scene: The desert outside of Las Vegas, Joey is arriving and we hear the song, Name. Y'know, (singing) I've been through the desert on a horse with no name! It felt good to be out of the rain. In the desert, you can't remember your name, 'cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain. La la la-la-la, la, la, la, la-la-la. You get the idea. Anyhoo, he pulls up and stops. As he gets out of the car, he spills a huge pill of fast food containers out of the foot well.]
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, thats four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! Im next! Its my turn! Its only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me Im going to sue you! Not this hospital, Im going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) hes a lawyer!
Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!
Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up?
Joey: No, Im gonna!! Thats right! Yeah, you made me feel really guilty about goin out with that girl! Like-like-like I did something terrible to you! And now Pheebs, youre doing the same thing!
[Joey and Ross drop their video game controllers.]
Joey: Okay. (He grabs a jelly donut, takes a bite, and guess what he spills all over himself. He tries to clean it up and smears it all over the shirt.)
(Walks out and after he closes the door Phoebe turns around and takes a bite out of what is left of his candy bar.)
Phoebe: Oh, if I were, would-would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm?
(The chain breaks loose from the wall, and because Joey was pushing with all his might, he propells into the kitchen, towards the table with all the food. This table has wheels underneath it, and when Joey falls on this table, he rides into the living room, with all the food falling off, until finally Joey also falls off... Joey gets up quickly, a bit agitated, and acting as nothing happened. He is covered in food stains.)
Frank: Yeah, yknow when we found out we were going to have a baby, yknow I figured yknow like I should yknow have like a careerand I love refrigerators!
Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it was taken by one of our volunteers (He walks over to where Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!
Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.
CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good care of her. (and he leaves)
Frank: No-no ah, everything's okay. Everybody's healthy there's 30 fingers and 30 toes.
Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.
Phoebe: Ohh! I have! I have! I started making these little sock bunnies! (She takes out a sock thats been made into a bunny with eyes, nose, mouth, whiskers, and two other socks sown onto it for ears.) Oh for crying out loud!
Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed) All right!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another showdown is occuring, only this time its between Ross, a plate of cookies, and the breast milk. They've been eyeing each other for a while now, and Chandler and Joey are getting bored. He checks his Ross and in frustration, shoves his watch in front of Ross's eyes as if saying, "Hurry it up already!" Finally, Ross scratches his head, does that again, itches his nose, scratches his head, grabs the bottle, takes a big swig, and piles several cookies into his mouth.]
Monica: Yknow, I only know of two surefire ways to shut a man up. And one of them is sex.
Chandler: Okay. Uh, well dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds its not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)
Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'...
Monica: Anyway, were really excited about our wedding plans, and well I guess pretty soon well be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund. (Chandler and her laugh, but her parents dont.) What?
[Cut to the casino, a very drunk and doodled on Rachel is walking arm in arm with an equally drunk and doodled on Ross are walking through the casino and greeting people on their way through. Ross has some whiskers and his nose colored in, along with his name on his forehead.]
Ross: (on the machine) Hey Ross! It's you! I just want you to remember this feeling. You are lucky to be alive! So live everyday to the fullest. Love yourself, okay? Okay. Oh, and also get stamps. Bye! (He hangs up.)