words in movies
Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof Transcribed by Joshua Hodge. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein.
[Scene: In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's.]
[A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.]
[A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.]
JOEY: Yeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
PHOEBE: I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin. MONICA: And the fact that they're both monkeys.
ROSS: Remember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch.]
MONICA: [reading] 'Dear Dr. Remore, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
ROSS: Well, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
CHANDLER: You know I think he will be surprised, 'till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
ROB: Anyway, I schedule performers for the childrens libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen.]
CHANDLER: Well we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. [both laugh hysterically]
[They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door]
JOEY: OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met. CHANDLER: That's how radio stars escape stalkers.
[Joey opens the door and sees Erica (Brooke Shields). Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.]
LIPSON: Well he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
LIPSON: Yes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died.
[Scene: Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
RACHEL AND MONICA: Yeah.
RACHEL: And she's not crazy?
MONICA: Ah, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not persue this.
PHOEBE: I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
PHOEBE: OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. [singing] Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike. But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner. Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too. La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
[Scene: A nice restraunt. Joey and Erica are dining.]
[Scene: Restraunt. Joey and Erica are still there.]
JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.
ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth.You were incredible.
[Scene: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]
ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. [singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]
JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.
ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.
RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]
MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]
CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]
ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.
PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women, sometimes men love men, and then there are bisexuals, though some just say they're kidding themselves. la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, a-weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]
ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]
TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.
CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]
RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
[back to Chandler and Susie]
SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
[back to Rachel and Monica]
RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]
RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.
CHANDLER: I've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]
CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]
RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.
RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
[Scene: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.]
CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.
SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
[Scene: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]
VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...
[Scene: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.]
RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]
[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]
JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.
["Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]
[Scene: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]
VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.
MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.
MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.
MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.
Rachel: I mean y'know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out.
Chandler: Its not a big deal. Its, just its right here, (points to his eye) and its all the time.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there.]
Phoebe: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out hes incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, listen, umm, Mom, I hope you know you still mean a lot to me. And youre welcome to come back anytime.
Ross: You see Amanda and I have a very special...
(Phoebe grabs Gunther and kisses him. He then falls to the couch in shock.)
CHANDLER: Ok, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV as Joey and Kathy are laughing in Joey's bedroom. They get to be pretty loud so Chandler turns the TV way up.]
Kathy: Okay, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too.
Phoebe: (singing) And I'm still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies.
(Monica nods `Yes.' And they both walk to the couch looking all depressed.)
Gunther: I don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day_
Chandler: Ross and the most beautiful girl in the world.
[Cheryl walks away and Ross walks inside. Everyone stares at him in disbelief.]
(Rachel watches that and slowly backs out to head for home.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Chandler enters.]
Phoebe: Yeah, but remember you said you ordered something special, and it just hasn't come yet?
Monica: Really? Cause I'd need like $500 for all the food and the supplies and stuff.
The Salesman: (Interrupting the flashback) Excuse me, Im sorry, you havent said anything for about two and a half minutes, are you at all interested?
Rachel: Yes, you have to get her something, and it should be something really nice.
Monica: (crying) So, I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War.
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and a beautiful blonde (Cheryl) are standing outside. The rest of the gang is watching from inside.]
[Scene: A kitchen where Phoebe and Monica are finishing up a catering job]
Monica: Um, and, well there's the.. the the small matter of...
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.]
JOEY: Angela? Joey Tribiani. Listen, what are ya doing tonight. I know your seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into his room)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the couch still doing the crossword. Chandler is in the kitchen.]
Chandler: Because she's not eleven! And it's not the seventh night of Hanukkah!
Chip: ...and then Zana, just let one rip!! (laughs histerically)
Chandler: All right. I will go out and I will try to find something for her, okay?
Ross: How do you think it's gonna look when you get her something incredibly meaningful and expensive and her boyfriend Joey gives her an orange?
Joey: Thanks, man. And oh, while you're at it, could you get her a card?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later.]
[Scene: Monica and Rachel, Rachel is there, Chandler enters.]
Ross: No! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.
Rachel: All right, look. Why don't you just return the book, let Joey give her the clock pen, and you give her something worse than that. Like... a regular pen.
Rachel: Oh! Pathetic! (Grabs the crossword puzzle and starts writing.)
Phoebe: Good. (Phoebe and Mrs. Burkart go into the other room, leaving Monica with everyone staring at her.)
Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was justyeah, right. Push! Push!
Mrs. Burkart: (Singing) Come on along and listen to...
Joey: What kind of profit is that?! And you call yourself an accountant.
Host: Folks, has this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a cartoon of milk) and these darn cartons are so flingin'-flangin' hard to open.
Rachel: Well maybe she and her friends are just having a contest to see who can bring home the biggest geek.
[Gunther slips and falls just before reaching the back of the couch. Monica and Phoebe come into Central Perk.]
Rachel: And you know which one we should see? The 1996 Tony award winner. Do you happen to know the name of that one?
Rachel: I did it! Oh! I finished it! I did it all by myself! And there's nobody to hug!
Cheryl: I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. (Ross attempts to clear a place for his coat and fold it small enough to fit. Then hit sits on the couch. Something falls on him from above and he brushes his neck off frantically.)
Monica: I can cook and you can take care of the money.
[Scene: Outside Cheryl's apartment, Ross and Cheryl are kissing]
Rachel: And not one of your coupons for an hour of "Joey Love."
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is there, Joey enters.]
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Chandler are on their date with Janice and Clark, however Clark is a no show and Janice is crying the Mississippi River about it.]
Monica: Wait a minute, Phoebe! We should be partners. We should be catering partners. I mean, think about it! You're not working right now, and we have such a great time together!
Joey: Oh, man, she loved it! She's over there showing Monica and Rachel right now.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey and Chandler are there eating breakfast.]
Monica and Ross: Scuse us
Rachel: Oh, hey, I have an idea. Why don't we play rock-paper-scissors, and whoever loses goes in first. (they all agree) Ready? (they do the rock-paper-scissor thing with they hands and Rachel has paper, Phoebe and Ross both have rock, while Joey is doing a strange upward wiggling with his fingers. They all look a him confused).
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are sitting on the couch playing cards, and Phoebe is working on a new song.]
(She throws the paper at him, misses and hits Monicas door, they all jump back at the sound.)
Chandler: (entering in a bathrobe) I just walked in the bathroom and saw Kathy naked! It was like torture!
Monica: Oh my God, it was the best funeral ever! I mean, everyone loved the food, and guess what? I even got another funeral for tomorrowthe dead-guy-from-today's best friend. I mean, it is like I am the official caterer for that accident!
[Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his keyboard and is about to debut, "The Sound."]
(Monica plays those words back in her mind and then smiles and runs to Chandler, who is twisting with joy. They hug.)
Monica: Hey. Ross, did you know Mom and Dad are going to Puerto Rico for Thanksgiving?
[Scene: The beach house, at night. Phoebe is hangs up the phone, and gently pushes one of the stools over.]
Monica: Im getting married!!!! Im gonna be a bride!!!! (Someone else yells at her.) No, I will not shut up because Im engaged! (He yells again.) Ohh, big talk! Huh, why dont you come over here and say that to me?! Huh, buddy?! Yeah, my fiancee will kick your ass! (Chandler starts to look worried.) Come on, apartment 20! Apartment 20!
Joey: (on the other end at a pay phone) Hey, its me. Listen Casey and I were on our way back and had a little car trouble.
Joey: Cause I only have one quarter, and I think my time is about to(he stops talking suddenly)
Chandler: So I guess its just uh, you and me then.
Phoebe: And this time, theyve ganged up to form one giant, super hat.
Chandler: Well, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy is running her fingers through his hair, and Chandler catches himself enjoying it too much.) Yknow who also has great hair is Joey!
(They lean in to kiss and are interrupted by the phone.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! No! Shoo! Kitty! No! No-no-no! Shoo! Come on, you! (goes over and picks up the cat) Come on. Crazy. (looks into the cats eyes) Oh my God.
(Suddenly Rachel clears her throat and the camera cuts to the rest of the gang staring at them. Needless to say Joey and Ross are shocked and slowly turn their heads to see the gang.)
Chandler: (closing the box) Yknow what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch! We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
Monica: Yeah. Anyway, he told me about your apartment. And, um, I couldn't sleep, thinking about it. So, uh, would it be okay if I cleaned it?
(Kathy leaves and Chandler groans in agony. Kathy knocks on the door and Chandler opens it.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, continued from earlier. Chandler and Kathy are still kissing, then they stop suddenly.]
Chandler: I have to; hes my best friend, and youre seeing him.
Ross: You have 30 seconds. And the lightning round beginsstop it (Chandler stops jumping)now. What was Monicas nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
Kathy: (outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the door and they kiss again.)
[From the background we hear a crash and Gunther comes running out of the back room, pushing people aside, reaching for Rachel.]
Chandler: Bye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler wonders over to and leans up against the door.) Are you still out there?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is opening the door, but Chandler has the chain on it.]
(Rachel and Monica look at each other, and agree on something without saying anything.)
Ross: Oh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that uh, you dont want to play anymore because me and y'know my talent. Is that true?
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Monica are sitting on the couch and Phoebe is getting coffee as Chandler enters. Ross is also there.]
Phoebe: Yeah, I-I cantI mean yknow I was trying to be really y'know okay and upbeat about it, I justI feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. I
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV as Chandler enters.]
Joey: (whining and heading toward the door) Look, it's too late, and I got an audition. I can't shop anymore! I...
Phoebe: Yeah! No, thats right. And I thought it was a really good idea.
Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I dont really know what happened with that.
Joey: And what?! Did you sleep with her?!
Chandler: Yes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me!
Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound, then he realises that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake it off, thinking its alive and attacking him.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is playing his music. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]
Joey: Is that why you bought all this stuff?! (Chandler makes a face like "Well, kinda.") Well, yknow what I will not watch your TV, I will not listen to your stereo, and theres a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that Im not gonna eat! You know why?!
(Both Monica and Rachel laugh.)
(Ross finally finishes with the same crash, and gets some applause.)