words in movies
Chandler: This is unbelievable. Its been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, youd be looking like a ham right about now.
[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]
Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.
(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shops signa large steaming cup of coffee.)
Joey: Im sayin I see a difference.
Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.
Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think Im pretty comfortable with the whole situation.
[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, whos got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]
Woman: Hi, were the Rostins. Err, Im J.C., and hes Michael, and were having a boy, and a girl.
Carol: Its a little complicated.
Ross: A little.
(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the door.)
(Marcel points the remote at Monicas television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)
Joey: I went back to Riffs. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.
Joey: So that if we went out on a date, shed be there.
(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)
[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]
Susan: Look, I dont see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because Im a woman.
Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.
Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.
[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.]
Fran: Look, youre cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..theres a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]
Monica: I cant believe you. You still havent told that girl she doesnt have a job yet?
Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldnt be so hard, now that youre dating. (Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, youre fired, but how bout a quickie before I go to work?"
(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)
(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)
(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)
(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)
Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.
[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandlers boss opens the door.]
Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didnt I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.
Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know whats goin on inside a persons head.
[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susans lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]
Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.
Teacher: Lights please? And thats having a baby. Next week is our final class.
(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carols doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)
(Susan just glares back, as Rosss inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)
[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]
Ross: Im gonna be a father.
Ross: I always knew I was havin a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.
Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I cant even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?
Nina: Do you have a sec?
Chandler: Ah, well, maybe thats, ah, because youre getting a big raise.
Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) Youre amazing!
Chandler: Oh, you dont know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinders raise?
(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachels, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]
Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if youre ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.
(Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)
Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, Im not saying shes like evil or anything. She just, you know, shes always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldnt let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?
Rachel: Oh please, theyve been going out a week. They havent even slept together yet, I mean, thats not serious.
Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the top of a pole) ..Im takin em down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.)
VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.
PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.
[Marcel is driven off in a limo]
MONICA: Oh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple.
[Scene: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]
JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. [hands Chandler a jewelry box]
CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet.
CHANDLER: Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer]
INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine.
[Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monica is interviewing for a job]
INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad.
MONICA: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like.
INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job?
CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight.
[Monica enters from bathroom after taking a shower]
PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .
CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy.
Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.
MRS. GELLER: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym.
MONICA: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross's room?
[Rachel enters with a laundry basket]
PHOEBE: Do you want a refill?
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is looking at Chandler.]
Rachel: Aw what are you?! A detective?
Monica: Ok, for my next song I think I�ll sing something a little more upbeat. All right? Oh, how about the PointerSisters �I am so excited�. And make it bouncy!
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a man at the counter. Ross and Phoebe are sitting at the couches.]
Alice: Absolutely. Okay, first well start with a little club soda and salt, and then if that doesnt work we can go back to
David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. (Sits down)
CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off]
PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?
MONICA: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons.
MONICA: Oh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.
Joey: Let's just say there's a well-dressed pack of dogs in Ohio. Hey Monica listen is-is Phoebe there? I gotta ask her something about the car.
ROSS: You were in a porno?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen. Ross is filling out a check]
ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that?
PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this?
MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.
JOEY: [pulls out a VCR tape] Hey Monica, what's on this video tape?
CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh?
MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge nose]
MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica.
MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we see a torso taking up the whole screen]
Ross: Well look, I'm just trying to focus on the "I get to see my wife," part, all right? And not the part that makes me do this. (He takes a big swig of Pepto Bismol.)
RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late.
Joey: Oh yeah, sure, no problem, Ill justhold on one second. (He turns around and puts his hand in his pants and groans in relief.) (In a relaxed voice.) "Hey Timmy, Ive got a surprise for you!"
MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.
Rachel: Oh, its a Macys bag!
MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you're a college man.
Ross: Oh whats the big deal?! I wasnt even invited to the ceremony, just the reception. And-and yknow what? If it makes you feel any better, Joan and I will just make an appearance and then, and then well-well leave early as a sign of protest.
MR A: Everything.
PHOEBE: OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.
Monica: Yknow, lets face it, Im not a kid anymore! I-I need to be with someone who-who wants the same things that I do! I mean coming to my place of work and telling me that you love me, I want that! Talking about pig sex over lunch, I dont want that!
[Scene: Chandler's office, Chandler looks around, opens his desk drawer, takes a puff of a cigarette, sprays around some air freshener, and takes some breath spray. He types for a little while, opens the drawer again, and takes another drag of the cigarette. While not paying attention, he sprays the breath spray around the room, takes a squirt of air freshener and gags.]
(There is the sound of a flushing toilet and Coma Guy emerges from the bathroom)
DR. BURKE: Only because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sherrif.
MONICA: Dr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown up.
MONICA: Well yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are returning from a movie.]
ROSS: Hey, someone order a coat?
MONICA: Phoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.
RACHEL: C'mon, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little. . . hard to follow.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment.� Ross and Mike are sitting on the sofa.� Ross is fidgeting with the cuff of his sweater while Mike blows his cheeks out.� Ross blows a piece of fuzz from his finger.)
RACHEL: Well it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, ya know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax info-mercial.]
CHANDLER: So, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets er?
JOEY: It certainly is a miracle.
ROSS: Oh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, foolin' around with a girl and uh, she started laughin'?
RACHEL: Well, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.
[there's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it back up to find a shoe has been thrown at it]
[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a full on kiss]
CHANDLER: Could you get us a couple of beers?
PHOEBE: You're not the only one who has a date tonight.
ROSS: What? You have a date? Who with?
[Scene: Museum of Natural History. Ross is fixing a display, Rachel is waiting patiently.]
ROSS: Who's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.
DR. BURKE: I didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.
MONICA: Oh, you're a grandpa.
MONICA: I don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in.
Joey: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.
JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.
CHANDLER: That's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.
PHOEBE: Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.
PHOEBE: Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.
Chandler: (bluffing) And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law.
ROSS: A tattoo? Why, why would you want to do that? [to Rachel] Hi.
JOEY: Well, you know that guy that's on my show that's in a coma? He's havin' a brunch.
ROSS: No, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? What if it doesn't come out right Phoebe? Then it's like, I don't know, havin' a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?
MONICA: Yeah. It's my dad's birthday, I decided to give him a stroke.
CHANDLER: You got a Cheeto on your face man.[Joey removes the Cheeto and eats it]
MRS. GELLER: No, Richard Burke gave them a ride.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.]
CHANDLER: I know, this is a great apartment.
JOEY'S CO-STAR: Yeah, I'm movin' to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.
JOEY: Yeah, can you see me in a place like this?
CHANDLER: [being left behind] Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK.
Joey: In a carriage!
ROSS: No, no, I mean, ya know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.
ROSS: Naa. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, ya know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off.
Ross: She was blonde? (he looks surprised for a while, but then gets a "gotcha" expression on his face... There's knocking at the door.) Just a sec.! Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood education, uhm... she worked for her last family for three years.